Traffic Report for May 1996

  1. Introductory comments
  2. The Traffic Report
  3. The countries receiving HUMOR
  4. Whose posts were chosen to be on the sample page this week?
  5. Why do we have a posters' list?
  6. What are the rules of contributing?
  7. Frequently Asked Questions
  8. A sample of humor
  9. Who is this "Jim" character, anyway?
  10. Month Index
The Humor List archives are being graciously hosted by

B.  Once a month, on the first sunday of every month, I post the
Traffic Report to the entire list.  Welcome to the month of June,
    I have a couple of announcements to make.  First off, if you are
a student who will be losing your email account over the summer,
please send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR.  If
you are a contributor, and wish to maintain your contributor's status
over the summer, we ask you to send a message reading SIGNOFF HUMOR-P
to that same address.  Please email me or Larry Randall at, though, so that we know not to make you
take that little exam over again once the new semester starts again
in a couple of months.  You can send both commands to the listserver
in the same email provided you keep one command per line of text.
    This is also an anniversary for me.  This report is as close as
we're going to get to a "one year anniversary" of my having become
Traffic Reporter.  One year ago last Tuesday I assumed the
responsibility of keeping track of the number of posts, and one year
ago this coming Tuesday I posted my first Traffic Report.  A lot has
changed here since then.  I wasn't using a fixed size font at that time
to keep track of the numbers, so they looked kind of like an explosion
in a spaghetti factory.  And of course, I then reported the start of
the HUMOR website, which in turn necessitated an almost complete
overhaul of this report.  And here we are today.  I look forward to
the next year being as prolific as this past one.  Thank you, everyone,
for your support.
    As always, my mailbox is open for you.  If you have any questions
or comments, please feel free to email me at,
visit my home page at, or visit the
HUMOR website at
    I'll see you all next month.  :)
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C.          Traffic Report for HUMOR, 26 May - 1 June
                  (Number of articles posted each day)

                  4 Weeks  3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Last
Date   Day          Back     Back     Back     Back     Week

 26  Sunday           7        8       12       16       13
 27  Monday          15       19       14       19       16
 28  Tuesday         23       18       18       20       13
 29  Wednesday       22       21       19       16       20
 30  Thursday        21       18       20       17       19
 31  Friday          14       19       22       22       22
  1  Saturday        15       11       11       10       11

  Averages          16.7     16.3     16.6     17.1     16.3

Subscriptions      8,999    8,976    8,910    8,881    8,955
Countries            77       80       81       81       81
Contributors        791      801      808      801      808

These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc.  These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.
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       HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Belize, Brazil,
Bulgaria, Canada, China, Colombia, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cyprus,
Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Estonia, Fiji,
Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Guam, Hong Kong,
Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica,
Japan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania,
Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Moldova, Mozambique,
Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Peru,
Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, Saudi-Arabia,
Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Soviet Union, Spain, Sweden,
Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, Uganda, United Arab Emirates,
Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia

                         Total countries: 81

Email me at if your country is not listed here.
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D.  The posts in the last week which have been chosen for the
sample.html page are as follows (in order as they appeared during the past
     Name                     Subject
1.  Randall Woodman           Humor: Duck Food & Chaos
2.  Brian Bakken              Male Facts   (Off. to Men)
3.  John M. Scheer            Poisoned Coffee
4.  Ed Lambert                Humor: In The News - American Politics,
                              may be off to women, more
5.  Sue Tuller                Adult Education (may offend adults)
6.  Joel Rosen                Law on the March
7.  K-A                       Rejected Breakfast Cereal Ideas {language}
8.  Jack Kolb                 Valujet jokes {HIGHLY tasteless}
9.  Melanie van Vuuren        Final insult {Off. to bodybuilders}
10. Gwen Eckman               A New Twist on Some Old Adages
11. Curtis White              The Bickersons - "The Honeymoon Is Over,"
                              part 1 of 4
12. Jennifer Story            Final Exam
13. Lyle J. Kinnaman          Lightning rod? {adult themes}
14. Piotr Plebaniak           Quotes part 70
15. D S Paull                 Assorted HUMOR
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E.  The purpose of the Posters list is to protect our readers from
careless, quarrelsome, and selfish contributors. To become a
member request the instructions by sending the command GET HUMOR

** The following are the goals of HUMOR:

To provide a daily average of 10-20 substantial examples of
To provide a diversity of humor: sources, forms, and subjects.
To provide freedom of expression for contributors and protection
of sensitivities for readers.
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F.  ** The following are the brief version of HUMOR's rules:

1) Three rules protect HUMOR from complaints.
  Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
  Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive.
  A contributor who violates rules may be suspended.

2) Six rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic.
  Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted.
  Discussion, requests, and criticisms should not be posted.
  One contribution per day.
  No personal attacks, no apologies, and no reactions.
  Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines
  Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines. No ASCII art. No
signature file.
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G.  Frequently Asked Questions
(note: all commands to the listserv address go in the body of the
message.  You may send as many commands as you like, provided you keep
one command to a line)

Q.  I am receiving HUMOR in digest format.  How do I change this to
receive posts as they are sent?

Q.  I am receiving HUMOR in mail format.  How do I change this to
digest format?

Q.  I don't want someone searching the listserver for my email address.
How can I protect myself?

Q.  What happens if I violate one of the rules of contributing?
A.  Larry Randall, our rules enforcer, may suspend you.

Q.  Is there any chance for some kind of leniency?
A.  You'd want to take that up with Larry -- preferably BEFORE you
post something that might get you in trouble.  His email address is

Q.  How often do you send the Traffic Report out, Jim?
A.  I send it out once a week, on Sundays.  On the first Sunday of
every month, I send it to the entire HUMOR list.

Q.  So that means, if I get the report weekly, I'm eligible to
A.  Unless you are in violation of one of HUMOR's rules.  Right.

Q.  If I'm suspended, will I get the Traffic Report?
A.  No.  When you are suspended, you will temporarily be removed from
the contributors' list.

Q.  So if I'm not reading this, I'm suspended?
A.  That's one way to put it, yes...  That reminds me of a Groucho Marx
quote: "I apologize for not writing sooner, but I've been so busy not
writing to other people, that I couldn't get around to not writing you
in time..."

Q.  How do I stop getting the Traffic Report?
A.  You have two options: first you could leave the posters' list
entirely, by sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF
HUMOR-P.  Let me warn you that if you use this method, the way to
become a contributor again would entail taking that short exam that
you got by sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR
    Or you could send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR-P

Q.  How do I stop getting HUMOR?
A.  You have two options: first you could leave the list entirely, by
    Or you could send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR

Q.  What if I want to change my email address?
A.  For HUMOR, you can change it yourself, by sending
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUBSCRIBE HUMOR, followed by your
real name from your new address, and then sending
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR from the old one.
    If you wish to change your email address for contributing purposes,
email either me ( or Larry

Q.  Can I have two different addresses registered to the listserver?
A.  Sure!  You can subscribe to HUMOR from as many addresses as you

Q.  How about for contributing?
A.  Sorry.  Only one address per person for contributor's status.
Makes the paperwork easier, in case you violate the rules.

Q.  I don't violate the rules.  Can you make an exception?
A.  No.

Q.  Sorry.
A.  That's all right.

Q.  I'm going on vacation for an extended period of time.  I don't
want to have HUMOR piling up in my mailbox while I'm gone.  What
should I do?

Q.  How do I change it back when I get back to my computer?
HUMOR DIGEST, whichever you prefer.

Q.  How do I get what I missed once I come back?
A.  All of HUMOR is automatically archived with our listserver.  To
get a listing of all of the logs (and how to get them) send
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command INDEX HUMOR.  To get *the* current
archive, send the listserv address the command GET HUMOR NOTEBOOK.
Once a notebook exceeds 3000 lines, it will become a log.  (To those
twentysomethings in the U.S., no Schoolhouse Rock jokes, please...)
The command INDEX HUMOR clarifies all of this and gives you the
starting dates for each of them.

Q.  Are you allergic to any medications?
A.  I haven't tried 'em all yet.

Q.  Where is HUMOR's website?

Q.  Who created it?
A.  Yours truly.

Q.  Great links page.
A.  Thank you.

Q.  Who are you, anyway?
A.  That belongs in the section after the next.
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H.  And now for my usual contribution of humor:

Subject: Fashion consciousness?  

  This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he
seeks the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet.  It
works: four weeks later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great,
except for one problem.  He's covered with great folds of flesh where
the fat used to be.
  He calls up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry.
"There's a special surgical procedure to correct this condition," the
doctor assures him.  "Just come on over to the clinic."
  "But doctor," says the one-time fatty, "you don't understand.  I'm
too embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
  "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor.  "Simply pull up
all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your
head, put on a top hat, and come on over."
  The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the nurse's desk,
dying of self-consciousness.
  "The doctor will be right with you," says the nurse.  "Say,
what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
  "My belly button," blurts out the guy.  "How d'ya like my tie?"
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I.  Jim Goldman,  HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster

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