Digest for Thursday, December 04, 1997

There are 16 messages totalling 738 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Difficult Questions Ive faced
  2. In the holiday spirit...
  3. Highways
  4. The 12 Bugs of Christmas
  5. Spanish Language joke (translated) offensive only to Biology teachers
  6. Football team
  7. Stephen King on writing (f-word)
  8. Humor:offensive to New Yorkers
  9. Humor - Weird Business News
  10. sportmovies
  11. Rabbit and weather forecast
  12. Brickbats: Cynical funnies (especially about marriages)
  13. fly story (naughty word)
  14. Before they Hatch!
  15. Factory Tour
  16. ON THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME... (Adult humor)


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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 03:39:44 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Difficult Questions I've faced

* Earliest Remembrances
     What's his name ?
     How old is he ?
     Isn't he the cutest thing ?
     Did my lil' man lose his blankee ?

* Early
     How's School ?
     And just who do you think you are ?
     Can't you act your age ?
     And just what were you doing to the dog with that eggbeater ?

* Pre-Teen
     What do you mean you don't understand History/English ?
     You call that cleaning your room ?
     Who told you you could play baseball/basketball ?
     How in the world could you lose your homework ?

* Adolescence
     Why are you failing History/English/French ?
     May I see your license and registration please ?
     Is any girl worth moping around about ?  A boy your age !
     How in the world could you lose your wallet/sneakers/hat ?

* Post Adolescence
     Exactly how long had you planned to stay in college ?
     Why in the world would you want to join the Navy ?
     Why can't you settle down with a nice girl ?
     When will you learn you can't go around saying what you think ?

* Early Adulthood
     How's the job ?
     How's the family ?
     Are you glad you married me ?
     How can you speak to me that way, don't you care ?

* Adult Years
     How's the new job ?
     Aren't you ever going to be satisfied ?
     Gee Dad, weren't you ever young ?
     How can you speak that way to your own son ?

* The Middle Years
     How's the new job ?
     How's the new house ?
     Do you think I'm getting fat/old ?
     Don't you realize you embarrass me ?

* The Present
     So, how's retirement ?
     What did the doctor say ?
     Is that all you're going to do, play on that computer ?
     How in the world could you lose your pills ?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ?   Visit me @
  (jokes page)  http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm
(jokes posted)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 07:17:42 -0500
From:    J.M. AHearn <jahearn@RXS.COM>
Subject: In the holiday spirit...

     In the holiday spirit.....

     for those who are analytically inclined to prove EVERYTHING...

     As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with
     research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY
     magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the
     annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

     1)  No known species of reindeer can fly.

     BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be
     classified, and while most of these are insects and germs,
     this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only
     Santa has ever seen.

     2)  There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the
     world.

     BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim,
     Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload
     to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population
     Reference Bureau.  At an average (census) rate of 3.5
     children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.  One
     presumes there's at least one good child in each.

     3)  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with.

     This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of
     the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems
     logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second.

     This is to say that for each Christian household with good
     children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the
     sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
     distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
     whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get
     back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

     Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly
     distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to
     be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will
     accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a
     total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do
     what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus
     feeding & etc.

     So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000
     times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the
     fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe,
     moves at a poky 27.4 miles/second.  A conventional reindeer
     can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.

     4)  The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting
     element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a
     medium-sized lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300
     tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as
     overweight.   On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
     than 300 lb.  Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1)
     could pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job
     with 8, or even 9 reindeer.  We need 214,200. This increases
     the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430
     tons.

     This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen
     Elizabeth.

     5)  353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates
     enormous air resistance.

     This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a
     spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair
     of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.
     Per second.  Each.  In short, they will burst into flame
     almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them,
     and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
     reindeer team will be vaporized within 0.00426 of a second.
     Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
     17,500.06 times greater than gravity.  A 250-lb. Santa
     (seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his
     sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force.

     If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
     dead now.

     Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!!!

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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 08:18:58 -0500
From:    Dexter E. Gulledge <gulledge@MAIL.PTDPROLOG.NET>
Subject: Highways

Received from a colleague

 A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....

 Cop:  "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so
 slow?"

 Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

 Cop:  "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the
 highway you're on!

 Sister: "Oh! Silly me!  Thanks for letting me know.  I'll be more
 careful.

 At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are
 shaking and trembling.

 Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back
 there?  They're shaking something terrible."

 Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

 jtb@nh.ultranet.com

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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 08:28:09 -0600
From:    Gregory R. Maes <maesg1@VITEK.COM>
Subject: The 12 Bugs of Christmas

A Software Developers Version

                         The 12 Bugs of Christmas

  1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     See if they can do it again.

  2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

  3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

  4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

  5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

  6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

  7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

  8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

  9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

 10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

 11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Say it's not supported
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

 12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Tell them it's a feature
     Say it's not supported
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 09:35:51 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Spanish Language joke (translated) offensive only to Biology teachers

I am on a Spanish language joke list, and this came through today. I think
it rather funny (if corny).  My humble translation follows:
___

En un examen de zoologia, el profesor  In a zoology exam, the professor
le entrega a un alumno una pata de     gives a student a bird's foot and
pajaro y le dice:                      tells him:

- A la vista de esta extremidad, ha    By visual examination of this ex-
de decirme la familia, el genero y     tremity, you must tell me the
la especie del animal, asi como sus    family, genus, and species of the
costumbres migratorias y el numero     animal as well as its migratory
de crias por nidada.                   habits and the number of fledglings
                                       per nesting.

Y el alumno responde:                  And the student replies:

- Pero, ?como le voy a decir todo      But how can I tell you all that
eso con una pata solo?                 with just one foot?

El profesor le dice:                   The teacher says:

- Esta usted suspendido. A ver, digame You are suspended. Let's see, what
su nombre y apellido.                  are your first and last names?

Y el alumno se quita un zapato, le     The students takes off his shoe,
ensenia el pie desnudo al profesor y   shows the teacher his bare foot
le dice:                               and says:

- Adivine...                           Guess...

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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 08:42:12 -0600
From:    Richard Linton <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU>
Subject: Football team

Q.  Why doesn't Iowa have a professional football team?


A.  Because if they did, then Illinois would want one too.


Note: The Chicago Bears have a 2-11 record in the NFL, the second worst
this season
_________________________________

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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 09:24:56 EST
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Stephen King on writing (f-word)

Just a bit of inspiration for any of you who are writing (or reading) end of
the term papers from the master horror novelist Stephen King....

>From "The Stand:  The Complete & Uncut Edition" copyright 1990 by Stephen
King:

"When asked, 'How do you write' I invariably answer, 'One word at a time,' and
the answer is invariably dismissed.  But that is all it is.  It sounds too
simple to be true, but consider the Great Wall of China, if you will:  one
stone at a time, man.  That's all.  One stone at a time.  But I've read you
can see that motherfucker from space without a telescope."

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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 09:48:38 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:offensive to New Yorkers

Four guys were walking down the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a
North Korean, and a New Yorker.  A reporter comes running up and
says, "Excuse me,what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says,  "Excuse me??   What's excuse me?

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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 10:28:00 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News

By Jim Barlow:
              Holidays bring out creative marketing.

 Let's start off with our Great Business Name Award. Now everyone knows
that before you marry that handsome prince, you're going to kiss a lot of
frogs. Which leads us to Wedding Magic software, which for $36.95 will give
you a software program for planning your wedding --  It's produced and
offered by Houston-based Frogware Software.

 First Runner-Up to the Oslo, Norway, salmon fishing company, GO-Fish Gruppen.

 Our Best Headline on a Press Release to Ansell Personal Products for: "Is
Your Condom on Upside Down?"

 Our New Thing to Worry About at Work Award to the terse message received
over the Internet that informs: "Non-dairy creamer is flammable."

 The Best Job Title comes from the Little Palm Island upscale resort in Key
West, Fla. Their reservations agents are called "personal escape planners."

 Our News Doesn't Travel Fast or Far Award to reader Harry Gates who sent
in the following piece of Internet chat he conducted with a friend in
Australia.  He told her that he had bought a stake in Compaq, AT&T and
Quantum.  "I've heard of two of those," she said. "Who's the other one?"
He explained that Quantum was a maker of top-quality disk drives for PCs.
"I know that," she replied. "I've got one in my machine. Who's AT&T?"

 Our Fractured English Award to reader Art Miller who sent in the following
items he has encountered in his travels.

 In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous,
 efficient self-service."

 In an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."

 In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their
own skins."

 Our Best Tips for the Holidays comes from General Accident Insurance Co.
of Philadelphia, which advises that if a fire starts in an oven, close the
oven door.

 Finally, from the Usually Unreliable Source -- a k a the Internet -- comes
Real Stories of the Non-Technically Inclined.  "I called a company and
asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, `Bob is on vacation.
Would you like to hold?' "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note: Jim Barlow is Houston Chronicle's business columnist. During holiday
periods when serious business news is slow, he's inclined to fill in with
what he calls weird business news.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 13:53:33 -0500
From:    Persson Mattias <mattias.persson@AROSNET.SE>
Subject: sportmovies

What i have learnt from watching sportmovies

1. If you loose to much and the owner is thinking about firering you the
anger will let you become invinsible and win the championchip

2. Bad players get better if you pep talk them before the last bat etc

3. If you have one player on each base and has two strikes against you, you
will make a home run

4. If you are down 2 or 3 goals before the last period of the game(goes for
hockey). Your game will turn the game around and eaqulize with 15 seconds
to go and score the winning goal with 1 seconds left in the game

5. If you kick someone in the groin(american fotball) there is no penalty

6. If the bad guys do the same they are out of the game.

7. Goes for every movie. The hero always win, even if he is a boxer half
the size of his opponent

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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 15:40:18 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Rabbit and weather forecast

 Mother rabbit to baby bunny...."A Magician
 pulled you out of a hat !" Now stop asking
 questions."

============================

Watching the Weather Channel on Tuesday of this week I was convulsed
with laughter when I got to the sentence.....

"...and the tempatures will hoover around....."

I guess that says it clear enough...the weather this late fall REALLY
SUCKS !

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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 21:00:57 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbats: Cynical funnies (especially about marriages)

This is a delicate time of year for me. At family gatherings, I've
got to appear successful, but I've got to poor mouth just enough so no
one will try to hit me up for a loan.

My son's pediatrician plays miniature golf on Wednesdays.

Seen on a church sign: "Where will you spend eternity? Smoking or No
Smoking?"

Please refresh my memory. Just who did win the Gulf War?

I'm sorry, but since we women buy the groceries, fix your meals,
clean your houses, do your laundry, have your kids, and hold down
jobs to help you pay the bills, we just naturally assumed you needed
help picking out your clothes.

Behind every successful marriage, there is a very surprised
mother-in-law.

The best way to keep a busband is in doubt.

Not all wives are suspicious--some are certain.

When a man sees yee to eye with his wife, it means that his vision
has been corrected.

When a wife insists on wearing the pants, some other woman wears the
fur coat.

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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 18:36:53 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: fly story (naughty word)

  There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened
    to find a pile of fresh cow manure.  Due to the fact that it
    had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to
    eat. He ate and ate and ate.  Finally, he decided he had eaten
    enough and tried to fly away.  He had eaten too much though,
    and could not get off the ground.  So he looked around
    wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up
    against the barn. He climbed to the top of the handle and
    jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be
    able to take flight.  Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped
    like a rock, splattering when he hit the floor.

    The moral of the story: Never fly off the handle when you're
    full of shit.

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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 03:21:12 -0600
From:    Brian Kim <cyberkil@ENTERACT.COM>
Subject: Before they Hatch! <CRUEL to African Americans and a racial slang>

 Please don't flame me for this one, I heard it from a friend.
____________________________________________

One day, a man was driving a truck full of bowling balls. He was delivering
a shipment to a certain bowling alley. There was also a man outside in a
rocking chair on the front porch of his house. He had a cane and a long
beard. He just sat there quietly until, the truck driver, didn't notice the
nail on the ground and it popped his tire with so much force that the back
doors on the truck broke off leaving the bowling balls to spill all over the
ground. The old man steps out and starts whacking the bowling balls with his
cane. The driver, luckily, was unhurt. When he came out, he asked the man
what he was doing. The old man replied, "C'mon! Help me kill the niggers
before they hatch!"

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Date:    Fri, 5 Dec 1997 09:30:39 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Factory Tour <adult>

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples.  The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the
guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the
nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.
The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss.  Hiss.  Hiss.  Hiss-pop!"
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour, "I understand what the
'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide.  "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

Chalapathi :O)

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Date:    Thu, 4 Dec 1997 22:34:07 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: ON THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS,
         MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME... (Adult humor)

DECEMBER 14, 1994
DEAREST JOHN,
I WENT TO THE DOOR TODAY AND THE POSTMAN DELIVERED A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR
TREE. WHAT A THOROUGHLY DELIGHTFUL GIFT! I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE
SURPRISED DARLING!
WITH DEEPEST LOVE, AGNES

DECEMBER 15, 1994
DEAREST JOHN,
TODAY THE POSTMAN BROUGHT YOUR VERY SWEET GIFT. JUST IMAGINE, TWO TURTLE
DOVES! I'M JUST DELIGHTED AT YOUR VERY THOUGHTFUL GIFT. THEY ARE TRULY
ADORABLE!
WITH ALL MY LOVE, YOUR AGNES

DECEMBER 16, 1994
DEAREST JOHN,
OH! AREN'T YOU THE EXTRAVAGANT ONE! BUT I REALLY MUST PROTEST, I DON'T
DESERVE SUCH GENEROSITY. THREE FRENCH HENS. MY GOODNESS. YOU ARE JUST A
DARLING OF COURSE, BUT I MUST INSIST, YOU'VE BEEN TOO KIND!
LOVE, AGNES

DECEMBER 17, 1994
DEAR JOHN,
TODAY THE POSTMAN DELIVERED FOUR CALLING BIRDS. NOW REALLY, THEY ARE
PLAINLY BEAUTIFUL, BUT DON'T YOU THINK ENOUGH IS ENOUGH? YOU'RE BEING TOO
ROMANTIC DEAR.
AFFECTIONATELY, AGNES

DECEMBER 18, 1994
DEAREST DARLING JOHN,
WHAT A SURPRISE! TODAY THE POSTMAN DELIVERED FIVE GOLDEN RINGS! ONE FOR
EVERY FINGER! YOU'RE JUST IMPOSSIBLE DARLING, BUT OH HOW I LOVE IT! FRANKLY
ALL THOSE SQUARKING BIRDS WERE BEGINNING TO GET ON MY NERVES, I AM GLAD YOU
THOUGHT OF SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
ALL MY LOVE, AGNES

DECEMBER 19, 1994
DEAR JOHN,
WHEN I OPENED MY DOOR, THERE WERE ACTUALLY SIX GEESE A-LAYING ON MY FRONT
STEPS. SO YOU'RE BACK TO THE BIRDS AGAIN, HUH? THOSE GEESE ARE DEAR. BUT
WHERE WILL I KEEP THEM? THE NEIGHBORS ARE COMPLAINING, AND I CAN'T SLEEP
THROUGH ALL THE RACKET. PLEASE STOP DEAR.
CORDIALLY, AGNES

DECEMBER 20, 1994
JOHN,
WHAT THE HELL IS WITH YOU AND THOSE FUCKING BIRDS!? SEVEN SWANS
A-SWIMMING!! WHAT KIND OF GODDAM JOKE IS THIS!!?? THERE'S BIRD SHIT
EVERYWHERE! THE LITTLE BASTARDS NEVER SHUT UP, I CAN'T SLEEP ANYMORE, AND
I'M A NERVOUS WRECK. IT'S NOT FUNNY YOU WEIRDO, SO STOP WITH THE FUCKING
BIRDS!
SINCERELY, AGNES

DECEMBER 21, 1994
O.K. BUSTER,
THE BIRDS WERE BAD ENOUGH, WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS
A-MILKING? IF THAT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH, THEY HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAM COWS!!
THERE IS SHIT ALL OVER THE LAWN, AND I CAN'T MOVE IN MY OWN HOUSE! JUST LAY
OFF ME SMARTASS, OR YOU'LL BE SORRY!
AGNES

DECEMBER 22, 1994
HEY SHITHEAD,
WHAT ARE YOU? SOME KIND OF SADIST!! NOW THERE'S NINE PIPERS-PLAYING!
CHRIST! DO THEY PLAY! THEY'VE NEVER STOPPED CHASING THOSE MAIDS SINCE THEY
GOT HERE! THE COWS ARE GETTING UPSET AND THEY'RE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE
SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBORS ARE GETTING UP A PETITION TO EVICT ME, AND
I'M GOING OUT OF MY MIND! YOU'LL GET YOURS!
AGNES

DECEMBER 23, 1994
YOU ROTTEN PRICK!!!
NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING! BUT THEY'RE NOT LADIES! THOSE BROADS ARE
HAVING AN ORGY WITH THE PIPERS! NOW THE COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT
DIARRHEA! MY LIVING ROOM IS A RIVER OF SHIT, AND THE BUILDING COMMISSIONER
HAS SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE CAUSE WHY THE HOUSE SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED! AND I
CAN'T THINK OF A REASON! I'M SICKING THE POLICE ON YOU CREEP!
ONE WHO MEANS IT!

DECEMBER 24, 1994
LISTEN FUCKHEAD!
WHAT'S WITH THE ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THOSE MAIDS AND LADIES!!?? SOME
OF THOSE BROADS WILL NEVER WALK AGAIN! THOSE PIPERS RAN THROUGH THE MAIDS
AND HAVE BEEN COMMITTING SODOMY WITH THE COWS.
AT LEAST THE BIRDS ARE QUIET; THEY WERE TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. I
HOPE YOU ARE SATISFIED, YOU ROTTEN VICIOUS SWINE!
YOUR SWORN ENEMY, AGNES

LAW OFFICES OF BADGER, BINDER, & IRWIN
30 KNAVE STREET
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS
DECEMBER 25, 1994
DEAR SIR,
THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR LATEST GIFT OF TWELVE FIDDLERS-FIDDLING WHICH
YOU HAVE SEEN FIT TO INFLICT ON OUR CLIENT, ONE AGNES MCHOLSTEIN. THE
DESTRUCTION OF COURSE WAS TOTAL. IF YOU ATTEMPT TO REACH MS. MCHOLSTEIN AT
HAPPY DAZE SANATARIUM, THE ATTENDANTS HAVE INSTRUCTIONS TO SHOOT YOU ON
SIGHT. PLEASE DIRECT ALL CORRESPONDENCE TO THIS OFFICE IN THE FUTURE. WITH
THIS LETTER PLEASE FIND ATTACHED A WARRENT FOR YOUR ARREST. MERRY CHRISTMAS
SMARTASS!! (SNICKER, SNICKER)
CORDIALLY, BADGER, BINDER, & IRWIN

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