Digest for Friday, June 27, 1997

There are 13 messages totalling 534 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. (Dis)Order in the Court
  2. Introduction to Chinese (may be offensive to Chinese)
  3. Politically Correct, Absence Excuses (both clean)
  4. How to Kill a SD Eel
  5. Daily Prayer?
  6. Emergency Room stories (gross)
  7. old but still funny
  8. How to Win at Wordsmanship (not offensive to anyone except, perhaps, some bureaucrats)
  9. 2 winners of the Academic Job description contest
  10. A Field Exercise
  11. Humor: clean joke
  12. Camping Trip
  13. Batman Humor


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Fri, 27 Jun 1997 03:58:52 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: (Dis)Order in the Court

*   A Yuppette was being questioned on the stand by the opposing
  attorney about an accident she was involved in: "And what gear were
  you in when the impact took place ?"
    "Well, let's see." she replied.  "I think it was my two piece
  gray suit with matching shoes."
                                - - - - -

*   Willie Johnson, a sawed-off, broken-down little man was arraigned
  in a Texas District Court on a felony charge.
    The clerk intoned: "The State of Texas versus Willie Johnson."
    Before the clerk could go any further, Willie, eyes wide, broke-up
  the entire courtroom: "Lawd Gawd !!!  What a majority."
                                - - - - -

*   It doesn't happen often but I suspect a personal friend of the Judge
  was about to testify in a trial.  The Judge instructed the Bailiff to:
  "Let the witness state her age, after which she may be sworn."
                                - - - - -

*   The prisoner was on trial for auto theft.  The prosecuting attorney
  read the indictment slowly, then asked, "Are you guilty or not guilty ?"
    The culprit looked the man straight in the eye and replied, "Well,
  ain't that exactly the thing we come here to find out ?"
                                - - - - -

*   In Dallas Texas, an Assistant District Attorney was questioning a
  witness.  The man was co-operating, but he kept addressing his answers
  directly to the Assistant District Attorney.  "Speak to the jury." said
  the Assistant D.A.
    The witness smiled, touched an imaginary hat in the traditional Texan
  manner, and said "Oh.  I'm sorry.  Howdy y'all."


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ?  Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html

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Date:    Fri, 27 Jun 1997 05:01:34 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Introduction to Chinese (may be offensive to Chinese)

Introduction to Chinese

Ai Bang Mai Ne-----------I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu-------------A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat---------------You need a face lift
Dum Gai-------------------A stupid person
Gun Pao Der--------------An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung-----------Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding----------We have reason to believe you are harboring a
fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun------------A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia------------------Approach me
Lao Ze Sho---------------Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi---------------------Not very good
Lin Ching-----------------An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding---------A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn-------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai------------------A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be-----------A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne------------A small horse
Ten Ding Ba--------------Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung----------A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan----------Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah------------Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim--------------Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting--------There is no reason to raise your voice

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Date:    Fri, 27 Jun 1997 12:28:02 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Politically Correct, Absence Excuses (both clean)

     No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
     You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."
     Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
     These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
     Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
     Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
     Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook
experience."
     You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
     You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
     You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious
follicle syndrome."
     You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-rententive athletic
footwear."
     No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
     You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
     You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
     You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the
discreet exchange of penned meditations."
     You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a
mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
     It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of
near-factual information."
     The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively
challenged."

(from Wild Bill's joke page)
--------------------
THE  FOLLOWING  IS  A  PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO
TEACHERS IN THE  ALBURQUERQUE   PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM  BY  PARENTS OF STUDENTS:

     1.  Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29,
30, 31, 32, and also 33.
     2.  Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
     3.  Please excuse Johnnie for being.  It was his father's fault.
     4.  Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
     5.  John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
     6.  Excuse Gloria.  She has been under the doctor.
     7.  Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
     8.  My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed.
Please execute him.
     9.  Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.  He
was hit in the growing part.
    10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.  She spent
this weekend with the Marines.
    11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days.  Yesterday she fell
off a tree and misplaced her hip.
    12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school.  He has very loose vowels.
    13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache, and upset stomach.  Her sister was also sick, fever and
sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever.  There must be the flu
going around, her father even got hot last night.
    14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today.  She is administrating.
    15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
    16. Ron was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
    17. Please excuse Sara for being absent.  She was sick and I had her shot.
    18. Please excuse Lupe.  She is having problems with her ovals.
    19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.  He had
diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the
shits.
    20.  Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.
    21.  Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
and his boots leak.
    22.  Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
    23.  I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wears.
    24.  Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought
it was Sunday.
    25.  Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.  We have to attend
her funeral.
    26.  Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

=================================================
Real people tell real stories in a very real place.  Join the Coolest Campfire
on Wires - mailto:majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org.  Type "subscribe nerdnosh"

email: bmyers@iafrica.com, capekid@bigfoot.com, capekid@hotmail.com,
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marie's email: dernhelm@bigfoot.com, dernhelm@usa.net

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Date:    Fri, 27 Jun 1997 09:15:12 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: How to Kill a SD Eel <adult, old joke>

From:    Lawrence Fatteicher <fatteicher@SIAST.SK.CA>
                     "HOW TO KILL A SOUTH DAKOTA EEL"
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious.  He
had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys and his mother
became rather flustered.  Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him
to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her
boyfriend. This he did.  The following morning Johnny described everything to
his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the
lights.  Then he started kissing and hugging her.  I figured Sis must be getting
sick because her face started looking funny.  He must have thought so too
because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the
doctor would, except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have
trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too.  Pretty soon both of them started panting and
getting all out of breath.  His other hand must have been cold because he put it
under her skirt.  About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and groan and
squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch.  This was when the
fever started. I knew it was a fever because Sis said she was really hot!!!!

Finally I found out what was making them so sick.....a big eel had gotten inside
his pants somehow.  It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10"
long. Honest!!!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open
and started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest
one she's ever seen.... I should tell her about the ones down at the lake!!!!!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.  All of
a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go.  I guess it bit her back.  Then
she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of
his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis laid back and spred her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he
helped by laying on top of the eel.  The eel put up a hell of a fight.  Sis
started groaning and squeeling and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.  I
guess they wanted to kill the eel by squeezing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh.  Her boyfriend got up
and sure enough they had killed the eel.  I knew it was dead because it just
hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend
were a little tired from the battle but they went to courting anyway.  He
started hugging her and kissing her again.  I guess eels are like cats, they
have nine lives or something.

This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.  After a 35
minute strggle, they finally killed the eel.  I saw it was dead because I saw
him peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

-----

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Date:    Fri, 27 Jun 1997 09:36:29 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Daily Prayer?

 So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost
 my temper, haven't been greedy, or grumpy, nasty or self-centered. I'm
 really  glad  about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out
 of bed, and then I'm going to need a lot of help.  Thank You.

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Date:    Fri, 27 Jun 1997 09:38:38 -0500
From:    PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: Emergency Room stories (gross)

Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General
over the past year:

- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide.
The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka.
When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they
were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the
nitroglycerin explode.

- A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500
lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen.  While trying to
undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her
arm.  After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her
massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime.  And last, but
not least-- during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one
of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".

- The most nonemergent ER visit:  A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with
a complaint of belly button lint..

- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to
the hospital.  After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the
old lady was pronounced dead.  The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year
old daughter that her mother didn't make it.  "Didn't make it?  Where
could they be?  She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next
to him.  The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he
had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his
friends.  Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was
anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS.  The boy
thought for a while then said questioningly "You mean like having sex with
our dog?"

- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER.  She said that she
and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't
able to retrieve it with her fingers.  She went to the bathroom and
"gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

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Date:    Fri, 27 Jun 1997 11:04:20 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: old but still funny <no off>

A story is told that, back in his glory days, Muhammad Ali got on a plane and
failed to fasten his seatbelt.  When the stewardess reminded Ali to fasten hs
belt, the fighter replied, "Superman don't need to seat belt."  To that, the
stewardess replied, "Superman don't need no airplane, either."  Ali fastened
his belt.

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Date:    Fri, 27 Jun 1997 12:39:09 -0700
From:    Charles Maxson <cmaxson@GRAND-CANYON.EDU>
Subject: How to Win at Wordsmanship (not offensive to anyone except, perhaps,
         some bureaucrats)

[Reproduced from Newsweek (May 6, 1968, pp.104, 104B, 104C) and
 copyright owned by Newsweek, Inc.]
 Isn't it interesting how little things have changed in 30 years!

 A then-63 year old U.S. Public Health Service official named Philip
 Broughton hit upon a sure-fire method of converting frustrations into
 fulfillment (jargonwise).  Euphemistically called the Systematic Buzz
 Phrase Projector, Broughton's system employs a lexicon of 30 carefully
 chosen "buzzwords":

 Column 1                Column 2                Column 3

 0. integrated           0. management           0. options
 1. total                1. organizational       1. flexibility
 2. systematized         2. monitored            2. capability
 3. parallel             3. reciprocal           3. mobility
 4. functional           4. digital              4. programming
 5. responsive           5. logistical           5. concept
 6. optional             6. transitional         6. time-phase
 7. synchronized         7. incremental          7. projection
 8. compatible           8. third-generation     8. hardware
 9. balanced             9. policy               9. contingency

 The procedure is simple.  Think of any three-digit number, then select
 the corresponding buzzword from each column.  For instance, number 257
 produces "systemitized logistical projection," a phrase that can be
 dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive,
 knowledgeable authority. "No one will have the slightest idea of what
 you're talking about," said Broughton, "but the important thing is that
 they're not about to admit it."

 So whether you want some responsive organizational flexibility or some
 functional management options this is the chart for you.  Happy report
 writing!

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Date:    Fri, 27 Jun 1997 16:50:59 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: 2 winners of the Academic Job description contest  <fake>

From: BOWERS JOHN W <bowersj@spot.Colorado.EDU>

Warm and generous

UNIVERSITY comprising warm people in warm climate seeks retired
teacher/scholar/administrator for a ten-day visit to consult with
students, faculty, and administrators on research projects and
program development. Possibly two or three guest lectures on topics
chosen by visitor. Report findings and recommendations to those
immediately affected only--no report to supervisors or administration
except on supervisory/administrative matters. Small honorarium,
generous expenses.

--------------------------------------------------

From: "Carol Jablonski (COM)" <cjablons@luna.cas.usf.edu>

Well endowed

Endowed Professor of Communication

Public Research II University with supportive legislature and
generous departmental alumni announces an senior position in
Communication specializing in the criticism and analysis of
practical discourse by and for community activists. Strong emphasis
on self-reflexive theorizing and practice required. A Ph.D. in
Communication, a high quality research program, and demonstrated
excellence in teaching also =

required. Individuals with demonstrated commitment to improving the
quality of life of individuals and communities through research,
teaching, service are especially invited to apply. The department
has a dynamic undergraduate program that offers students
opportunities for internships in business, politics, and community
(non profit) organizations. Majors are required to complete a
service project and to pursue at least 9 hours of work in an
approved cognate. Our masters program attracts both students who
want to pursue academic careers and action oriented individuals who
want to learn concepts, theories, and skills that will enhance their
work in their chosen profession. The department belongs to the NCA
cooperative of select universities in our region that work together
to enhance the education and placement of Ph.D.s in Communication.
Several of our faculty serve on doctoral committees for students in
our region; we also have two lines dedicated to supervised
post-doctoral study and teaching in Communication.

We are a strong department with faculty members who value and
respect one another's work and who often collaborate with one another
and with community leaders to develop programs that enhance the
communication practices of families, citizen advocacy groups,
immigrants, youth and our aging population. The department also has
a strong interest in global communication. The Endowed Professor may
specialize in rhetoric, communication, or cultural studies as long
as he or she is committed to enhancing community activism.  Any of
the following areas of specialization would be especially desirable
so long as the candidate has a strong background in practical
discourse: Health Communication, Family Communication, Conflict and
Negotiation, Mass Media, Performance Studies or Instructional
Technology,

The University is located in a medium-sized town with a moderate year-
round climate. Mountains, beaches and first rate airports are nearby.
Our town has affordable housing in attractive neighborhoods near
campus, a low crime rate, outstanding schools, and excellent medical
facilities.  Every effort is made by our university to facilitate
spouse's or domestic partner's job requirements. The university
offers day care and adult care and provides outstanding library,
technology, and other resources for its students and faculty. The
Endowed Professor will have a budget of approximately $25K yearly to
support qualifying research initiatives, undergraduate and graduate
student projects, conference travel, and invited lectures.

The University expects to offer a 5-year renewable contract to the
Selection Committee's final choice. This contract will be reviewed
after five years and renewed for five years (with possibility of
promotion to Full if the individual is brought in as Associate). A
second renewal, for five years, may be offered. In no event will the
term of the individual's contract exceed 10 years without extensive
review by, and approval of, the department, college and university.

--------------------------------------------------

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Date:    Fri, 27 Jun 1997 17:49:15 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: A Field Exercise

A military unit was out on a field exercise one day practicing camouflaging
techniques. When all the men had taken position the company commander went
to a hilltop so that he could view the area. As he was evaluating the
effectiveness of the camouflaged men he noticed that one "tree" was moving.
(very much unlike a real tree) The commander thought that most of the men
were camouflaged pretty well, however, there was that same "tree" which
kept moving around. Infuriated at these distractive movements the commander
gave the order for that particular soldier to report to his office the
moment the men returned to the barracks. Later that afternoon a soldier
quietly tapped on the commanders office door. The commander asked the
soldier what he wanted. The soldier nervously replied that he had been
instructed to report to the commander's office at the end of the field
exercise. Realizing who this soldier was the commander flew into a rage
shouting about how distractive the soldier had been during the camouflaging
exercise. Red in the face the commander continued to roar at the soldier
about how unacceptable his actions were and then he demanded an
explanation. The soldier then responded sheepishly, "Sir, I am truly sorry
for my performance today, but there is a reason for my actions. When that
dog came by and decided to relieve himself on my leg, I stood still. And
when that pigeon landed on my head and started to "decorate me," again I
remained still. But when those two squirrels ran up my leg and said, "Let's
eat one now and save the other for later" I just COULDN'T stand still!"
____________________________________________
Antonio Oliveros Fernandez.
oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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Date:    Fri, 27 Jun 1997 18:08:27 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Humor: clean joke

What does an overweight ballerina wear?
A threethree!

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Date:    Fri, 27 Jun 1997 17:01:07 +0100
From:    Daniel Israel <disrael@IA-US.COM>
Subject: Camping Trip <REALLY GROSS!>

Two friends went camping in the mountains and had spent four days
together,but they were beginning to tire of each other's company and
getting a little testy toward each other.  On the fifth morning, the
first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves.
Why don't we split up today? I think the separation could help.  I'll
hike north and spend the day exploring, you hike south and spend the day
exploring.  Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences
over the campfire!".  The second readily friend agreed and hiked off to
the south after breakfast. The first man hiked north.

That night over dinner beside the campfire, the first man related
his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley.  I followed a stream up into a
canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake.  As I
sat in the afternoon sun to dry, I watched deer come and drink from the
stream.  The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated
all day overhead.  How was your day?", he asks.

The second friend replied, "Pretty good. I went south and discovered
some old railroad tracks.  I followed them a ways until I quite
unexpectedly came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks!
So, of course, I immediately cut her ropes off, gently lifted her from
the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon.  Finally,
when I was so tired I could barely move, I returned to camp!".

"Wow!!!", the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than
mine.  Did you get a blow job, too?".

"Nah!", says the second friend dejectedly over his meal, "I couldn't
find her head!"




-DI

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.

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Date:    Sat, 28 Jun 1997 01:07:02 -0400
From:    PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: Batman Humor

Top 5 signs Batman is going "corporate"

5)  Batman's "Utility Belt" now a utility "lap-top"

4)  Bat Plane features giant painting of Bart Simpson  (in cowl and cape)

3)  Robin no longer referred to as "the boy wonder" now simply called
"page"

2) The Bat signal has been replaced with a giant Taco-Bell sign

and the number one sign that Batman has gone "corporate";

1)  Way cool "Bat-cape" now features a 3 foot  "Swoosh" on it.  (Nike)

(Blaine)
(phredd@mcs.net)

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