Digest for Tuesday, June 24, 1997

There are 17 messages totalling 752 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Regional Differences
  2. Application to Live in New Jersey (fwd)
  3. HUMOR - racy sperm joke
  4. The barmaid
  5. "Beware of Bird" & "Proper attire"
  6. Technical Support (clean)
  7. Chess (off. to Chess Players)
  8. Yugo humor
  9. Two men working (offensive to gov employees)
  10. Voodoo Dick
  11. more leper jokes
  12. Humor - Kiddie Quotes
  13. Humor - Kiddie Quotes - Apology
  14. Twins
  15. Down With Cruelty To Men :)
  16. Joke Clean...Misc Thoughts
  17. Top5 - 6/25/97 - Plays Shakespeare Didnt Publish


Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 02:35:32 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Regional Differences <adult humor>

*   An unmarried Catholic girl in Seattle went to confession, told the
  Priest she had had sexual relations and was instructed to say fifty
  "Hail Marys" as penance.
    Shortly thereafter, she moved to LA and in due course again went to
  confession.  Once more, she confessed to the sex act and was told to
  say five "Hail Marys".
    "Thank you Father." said the girl. "But in Seattle, I had to say 50
  'Hail Marys' for the same offense."
    "That may be true my daughter." intoned the Priest, "But remember,
  they're not all that used to Screwing in Seattle."
                                - - - - -

* I know a girl who's a $500 a nite callgirl working the Minneapolis and
  Saint Paul areas.  They call her the tail of two cities.
                                - - - - -

*   A traveler stopped at a Texas Hotel while passing thru the state. He
  went to the hotel bar and asked for a short beer and was served what
  looked to be a quart.  When he commented on this, the bartender said
  that they do everything in a big way in Texas.
    After just two, the man had to use the bathroom and asked the
  bartender for directions to the Men's Room.  Slightly drunk anyway, the
  fellow misunderstood the directions, and opened the door leading to the
  catwalk for the hotel pool two stories below.
    Naturally, he fell right over the railing into the pool.  He began
  thrashing about and shout, "My God! Don't flush it!  Don't flush it !!!"
                                - - - - -

* For those of you who've never been to Las Vegas, there, the "G String"
  is known as the gownless evening strap.
                                - - - - -

* It was one of those Olympic Village romances during the recent games
  in Alanta.  The male distance runner had wooed & won a female sprinter.
  During their first nite together in bed he whispered, "Sweetheart, your
  pace or mine ?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ?  Visit me @

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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 07:45:35 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Application to Live in New Jersey <ethnic stereotypes> (fwd)

  This message is in MIME format.  The first part should be readable text,
  while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools.
  Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info.

--simple boundary
Content-ID: <Pine.SOL.3.93.970623160215.23437C@gwis2.circ.gwu.edu>

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Mon, 16 Jun 97 14:02:14 -0600
From: Christian Southwick <christian_southwick@bakerbotts.com>
Subject: Fwd: Application to Live in New Jersey
> NAME:__________________________
> Nickname:_____________________
> ADDRESS: ______________________            EXIT # __________
> ______________________
> ETHNIC BACKGROUND: _______Italian   _______Sicilian ________Jewish
> a)Sewage           b)Sulfur        c)Garbage       d)All of the above
> a)5 - 10           b)10 - 15       c)15 - 20       d)20 and above
> a)5 - 10           b)10 - 15       c)15 - 20       d)20 and above
> a)5 - 10           b)10 - 15       c)15 - 20       d)20 and above
> a)Sergio Valente   b)Jordache      c)Sassoon       d)Z. Cavaricci
> a)100%             b)95-100%       c)90-95%        d)85-90%
> a)10 - 15          b)15 - 20       c)20 - 25       d)25 and above
> a)5 - 10           b)10 - 15       c)15 - 20       d)20 and above
> a)$ 5 - $10        b)$10 - $15     c)$15 - $20     d)Stolen
> GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH?            YES          NO
> a)6 - 8 Inches     b)8 - 12 Inches  c)1 - 2 feet   d)More than 2 feet
> a) Hair Spray
> b) Styling Gel
> c) Mouse
> d) Extra Hold Styling Gel
> e) Bondo
> f) Spackle
> g) 40 Weight Oil
> h) Crazy Glue
> a) IROC Z
> b) Firebird
> c) Camaro
> d) Mustang
> f) Chevette ( You got a f#%*ing problem with it?)
> a)6 - 8 Inches     b)4 -6 Inches   c)2 - 4 Inches  d)Under 2 Inches
> a) Gold chain around license plate
> b) Neon lights around license plate
> c) Neon lights under car
> d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view mirror
> e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror
> f) Chrome hubcaps
> g) Stick-on window tinting
> h) Stick-on paint splash stickers
> i) Fuzzy dice
> a) F#%*ing Giants
> b) F#%*ing Jets
> c) F#%*ing Mets
> d) F#%*ing Yankees
> e) F#%*ing Nets
> f) F#%*ing Knicks
> g) F#%*ing Devils
> h) F#%*ing Rangers
> i) F#%*ing Islanders
> a) Techno
> b) Rap
> c) Bon Jovi
> d) Bruce Springsteen
> In 100 words or less, Define the term "Yoos Guys"

--simple boundary--

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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 09:56:27 +0000
From:    Sarah W. Soderlund <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - racy sperm joke

Two sperm, having been launched forth, were swimming side by side.
One said to the other, "This is a long swim and I'm getting tired.
When do we get to the ovary?"

"Ovary?" replied the other," Hell,we haven't gotten out of the
esophagus yet."

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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 10:56:15 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: The barmaid

The eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the
barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks."
"What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked.
"Maybe later," the kids said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."
Antonio Oliveros Fernandez.

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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 12:26:11 -0400
From:    Joydeep Mitra <mitra@AECOM.YU.EDU>
Subject: "Beware of Bird" & "Proper attire"

Beware of Bird

Mail delivery stops for 150 homes in Waukesha, Wis., after a neighborhood
crow repeatedly "divebombs" letter carrier Donna Schwerdtfeger.  The bird
has disappeared and mail delivery has resumed,  but Ms. Schwerdtfeger has
taken a much-needed vacation, says Neal Altmann, her boss.
Proper attire

Sears Roebuck & Co. installs mannequins outside its employee cafeteria to
show workers how to comply with its 5-day casual summer dress code.   The
"good" male mannequin wears khakis and a plaid shirt; the "bad" one has a
worn-out T-shirt and torn jeans.
Source: Wall Street Journal, Tue, Jun 24,'97: Work week: A special
news report about life on the job -and trends taking shape there.

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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 18:33:52 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Technical Support (clean)

     Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of
the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people
out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

     After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a
database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva"
desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and
said she'd be right back.  When the customer returned, the technician asked
if she was all right.  The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see
me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

     A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the
power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work
in the spring and summer, the caller asked.

     Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on
5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her
computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive,
or use 3.5-inch diskettes.  The customer called back later, now complaining
that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact
that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of
questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors
to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.

    A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer - the one that was
supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing
nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First,
open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued,
and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close
the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded,
it was getting very chilly.

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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 11:49:57 -0500
From:    PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: Chess (off. to Chess Players)

The Top 16 Signs You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess

16> Let's just say that in the movie version of your life, you'd be
    played by Pauly Shore.

15> Your idea of "conquering Deep Blue" involves employing your
    gastro-intestinal system to attack the Tidy Bowl man.

14> The computer: A highly sophisticated electronic brain from IBM.
    You: A highly intoxicated electrician from NJ.

13> Before moving your queen, you insist on consulting Eddie Murphy.

12> Computer: lauded by scientists for its ability to calculate
    millions of chess moves per minute.  You: lauded by fraternity
    buddies for your ability to pass gas and burp simultaneously.

11> You can't make a single move without thinking of huge juicy

10> In your circle, "castling" means holing-up in your trailer with
    an AK-47 and a bottle of bourbon.

 9> Your "garlic breath" strategy fails to intimidate this
    particular opponent.

 8> Your populist leanings always result in you inciting your pawns
    to wipe out their own king and queen.

 7> Kasparov's idol:  Bobby Fisher.   Your idol:  Eddie Fisher.

 6> The press has nicknamed you "Deep Doo."

 5> You plan to use the "James T. Kirk Strategy" -- talk the
    computer into blowing itself up.

 4> Video tapes of you shouting at the ATM are legendary among the
    bank security staff.

 3> Computer: Intel Inside.  You: Imbecile Inside.

 2> After your move, you slap the computer monitor and shout, "King
    me, Pentium-breath!"

    and the Number 1 Sign You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess...

 1> You counter *every* move with a "Smirnoff opening."

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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 09:49:23 -0700
From:    Nathan Sherman <nathans@MICROSOFT.COM>
Subject: Yugo humor<clean)

A teenager pulls his tiny car into a salvage yard (junkyard) and
approaches the parts desk.

"Can I get a gas cap for my Yugo?" he asks.

The proprietor thinks a few seconds and says, "OK, you got a deal."

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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 11:03:45 +0000
From:    F.I. Goldhaber <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Two men working (offensive to gov employees)

A fellow stopped at a rural petrol station and, after filling his
tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.  He stood by his car
to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the
roadside.  One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then
move on.  The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.
While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind
filling in the old.  The men worked right past the fellow with the
soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the
man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road
toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men.  "Can you tell me what's going
on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up.  You're
not accomplishing anything.  Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney
and Mike.  I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here
puts the dirt back.

Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't

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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 15:19:36 -0500
From:    Brian Kim <cyberkil@ENTERACT.COM>
Subject: Voodoo Dick <Adult Themes & Naughty words>

Once there was this one woman in her mid thirties. She had multiple
husbands and divorced them all. One day, she felt so bored and wanted to
have sex, but sex wasn't that easy to find. She went on the streets and
nobody wanted her! She was a bit ugly, might I add. As she was looking for
another man, she came across this one shop that was in the field of voodoun
and magic. The sign on front advertised a new product, "Voodoo Sex." Since
she had no luck on the streets, she went ahead and went into the store and
she asked the clerk about the Voodoo Sex. The clerk replied that it was a
very mystical thing. He asked her if she wanted a Voodoo Dick or a Voodoo
Pussy. She wanted the Voodoo Dick. She paid $200 for it, and asked him how
it was used. "Well," the clerk said, "you must say to it `Voodoo Dick
something' and it will have sex with whatever."
        When the girl finally got home, she tore open the box and said to the
object, "Voodoo Dick my pussy!" The dick jumped out of the box and landed
right into her pants. And before she knew it, the dick was having sex with
her. She let it go for near an hour until the phone rang and she talked to
her folks which she forgot were coming today! So, she put a coat on and
went to the grocery store to buy food. Eventually she wanted to buy some
chicken. The butcher saw the front of her pants move out and in and was
disgusted. He asked her, what the hell is wrong with you? She said, "Well,
I bought this thing called Voodoo Dick and it has sex with anything you
tell it to." The Butcher then said, "What! Hah, Voodoo Dick my ass!"

Brian Kim
Brian's Front Door

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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 17:38:57 -0400
From:    Alan <mailalan@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: more leper jokes <off. to lepers>

Q:What do you call six lepers in a spa?

Q:How do you get a leper out of bed?
A:With a shovel.

Q:How can you tell if a leper sent you a letter?
A:His tounge is in the envelope.

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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 17:07:38 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Kiddie Quotes

Copied from the UGA Humor List. Passed along for your enjoyment. Intended
to help brighten your day. :>)
Thanks to:Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>


   Dear GOD,
   In school they told us what You do.
   Who does it when You are on vacation?

   Dear GOD,
   Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?

   Dear GOD,
   Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling
   words in the house?

   Dear GOD,
   Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an
   accident? -Norma

   Dear GOD,
   Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,
   why don't You just keep the ones You have now?

   Dear GOD,
   Who draws the lines around the countries?

   Dear GOD,
   I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.  Is that
   okay? -Neil

   Dear GOD,
   What does it mean You are a Jealous God?  I thought You had
   everything. -Jane

   Dear GOD,
   Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"?
   Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!

   Dear GOD,
   Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a
   puppy. -Joyce

   Dear GOD,
   It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
   He said some things about You that people are not supposed to
   say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I
   am not going to tell you who I am)

   Dear GOD,
   Why is Sunday school on Sunday?
   I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
   -Tom L.

   Dear GOD,
   Please send me a pony.
   I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.

   Dear GOD,
   If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything
   you want except my money or my chess set.

   Dear GOD,
   My brother is a rat.  You should give him a tail.  Ha ha.

   Dear GOD,
   Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had
   their own rooms.   It works with my brother.

   Dear GOD,
   I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so
   much hair all over. -Sam

   Dear GOD,
   I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
   -Ruth M.

   Dear GOD,
   I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the
   whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can
   never do it. -Nan

   Dear GOD,
   If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
    -Mickey D.

   Dear GOD,
   I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.

   Love, Chris

   Dear GOD,
   We read Thomas Edison made light.  But in school they said You
   did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
   Sincerely, Donna

Ken Brousseau Sr. 80, kenbruso@io.com --- CG for Fran - 76/3 --Friendswood,Tx.
**Laughter is good medicine and has no bad side effects.**

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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 17:16:02 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Kiddie Quotes - Apology

Intended for someone else. Clicked the wrong address. Sorry,

 **Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.**

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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 20:48:16 EDT
From:    Donald E. Chesnel <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Twins <Hey dude, really bad joke, man!!>

A woman has twins and she gives them up for adoption.  One goes to Egypt
and is named Amal by the couple that adopts him.  The other goes to
Mexico and is named Juan by his new parents.

Years later, Juan makes contact with his biological mother.  He sends her
a picture of himself.  She tells her husband that she wishes she also had
a picture of her other son.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've
seen Amal."

Ba da beem, ba da boom!!!!!!

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Date:    Wed, 25 Jun 1997 09:31:12 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Down With Cruelty To Men :) <clean>

                 Life is indeed cruel to men. When they are born their
mothers get compliments & flowers, when they get married their brides
get presents & publicity & when they die their wives get the sympathy   &
the insurance money. I sincerely believe that whosoever termed the
fair sex as the weaker sex has done an unfair thing since the weaker
sex is  indeed the stronger sex because of weakness of the stronger
sex for the weaker sex.

                 The world is full of men who convert this weakness
into a  lifelong bondage,euphemistically called 'MARRIAGE '.Alas, they
forget  that as bachelors they were longingly looked upon by the weaker
sex as   a thing of beauty and BOY forever & they roamed around like a
rolling stone that gathers no boss. But unwittingly, like fools, they
rush into a venture where even angles fear to tread. they are perhaps
too innocent to realise that marriage is the name of the game where
the man loses his bachelor's degree & the woman gets her master's

                But different bachelors have different compulsions to
walk into this bondage. Sometimes stealing a kiss leads to
 "life imprisonment " - a perfect example of crime & punishment . Some
others walk into this trap after calculating  that it is cheaper to
marry a girl & keep her home than not to marry & take her out.

                 But those who marry in haste repent in leisure also.
It is true that marriages are made are made in heaven but when the
couple join hands on the earth it becomes just another union that
defies management. As the resonance of marriage recede into the
background the notes of discord start appearing and the better half starts
looking like the bitter half. it does not take long for the man to
wander what happened to the girl he married & for the girl to
wonder what happened to the man she didn't. But most often the discord
happens on account of the average husband's ambition to be able
to afford what his wife is spending. As it always happens in such
cases, the joint account is never over_drawn by the wife,it is always
under_deposited by the husband.

                 Old couples however say that such differences between
husband & wife are only spice of conjugal relationships; for where
there is no difference there must be a vast degree of indifference.
      The harmony arising out of love is the essence that sustains
martial  happiness. It has certain well defined secrets. To be happy with
a man   you must love him a little & understand a lot. To be happy with
a  woman you have to love her a lot & understand her a little.
Mutual trust & confidence is the other touchstone of martial harmony,
as every husband expects himself to be his wife's first love while
every  wife hopes herself to be her husband's last romance.

                 In the ultimate analysis,however,marriage turns out
to be an American cafetaria : you choose what you like & pay for it
      What you pay & how much you pay depends upon your luck. For, it
take quite a bit of luck to make a wife out of a woman. Remember !
God created Woman after Man, and ever since then she has been after

*I sincerely agree*
Chalapathi :-)

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Date:    Wed, 25 Jun 1997 00:10:37 +0000
From:    Stephen Richard <warlord@CITYNET.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean...Misc Thoughts

....Sometimes you have to think "is it worth the time and trouble?"
Not many things are really worth it. of the ones that are 3 are the
best. Friendship, love, and happyniess.

 ....When asking the price one must pay for something. are you
surprised when its more than you thought? If so ask yourself this
question...if it cost this now what will it cost later? With
friend  the price is sometimes high. but the price is returned double
or even triple

....Love is not the end of time.just the begining of the spark

...Its the valleys we go through sometimes that makes the those
mountain tops so much more the better.

...Yes its hard when you have had a bad day...but when you get beyond
that. it kinda puts things back into understanding and gives you
clearer thoughts

...When you find yourself hanging from the last thread of the last
little inch of your rope. its not wise to add more weight to yourself
or to bounce

...To say we love someone is all well and good. but to show that
person we love them makes both your and that persons day go so much

...To Error is human. to forgive is love

...When fighting off the evils of the day. Besure not to fight off
the good as well

...Few thinks when put on the great scale of life can outweigh the
full measure of love a person will show

...When ask how a person would sum up your life upon your death what
will that person say?

...E=MC2 cant compare in any way to the words I love you

...Issac Newton said...for ever action there is a opposite but equal
reaction....My action is I love you....your action should be?

...A famous sculpter when ask  how he did such a masterpeice
said....the masterpeice was always there I just removed the peices
that were covering it up and didnt belong

....Why build a glass house when glass can break under the normal
pressures of a day

...It is unwise dance and party when on the tips of the
mountains...its a long drop to the bottom

...Many have came and went on lifes journey....few have ever gotten
the map understood....some wont ask for directions...some dont know
how to read the map.

...If it took a apple of fall on Newtons head to understand there was
gravity....what must fall on some peoples head to understand love?

Stephen Richard
A famous sculpter when ask  how he did such a masterpeice said..
The masterpeice was always there I just removed the peices
that were covering it up and didnt belong

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Date:    Wed, 25 Jun 1997 00:23:32 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 6/25/97 - Plays Shakespeare Didn't Publish

                         June 25, 1997

       The Top 16 Plays Shakespeare Chose Not to Publish

16> Christopher Marlowe Can Kiss My Elizabethan Ass

15> Henry VIII, I Am, I Am

14> Fast Times at Verona High

13> A Midsummer Night's Nocturnal Emission

12> Om'let

11> Love's Fing'r Pulled

10> Romeo & Steve

 9> Twelfth Night, Children Stay Free

 8> Felines

 7> Henry VIII was a Big Fat Idiot

 6> Six Degrees of Francis Bacon

 5> Stratford-upon-Avon 90210

 4> Hamlet II - Where the hell is everybody?

 3> Romeo & Michelle's High School Reunion

 2> King Gump

and the Number 1 Play Shakespeare Chose Not to Publish...

 1> Booty Calleth

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

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