Digest for Monday, June 23, 1997

There are 16 messages totalling 712 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. HighJinks at State Highway
  2. Confused?
  3. Limericks (adult themes)
  4. Doctor, Masses, Lil Johnny (sexual themes)
  5. elevator
  7. Lite verse (4)
  8. A fly in my soup joke
  9. Marriage & Peanuts (not off.)
  10. Humor: Another airline joke
  11. Humor: offensive to Lesbians/suggestive
  12. kiddie quotes (part 5) (fwd)
  13. A Chain letter (Sh*t refferences)
  14. Two classic suggestive jokes
  15. Physically Correct
  16. The Interview


Date:    Mon, 23 Jun 1997 02:24:49 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: HighJinks at State Highway

*   "Senior Managers" (aka "Big Wheels") at the Maryland State Highway
  Administration are unclassified positions that require no testing or
  merit exams.  This one fellow applied for a job as an assistant to a
  Senior Manager and did have to take an exam for the job.
    In the meantime though, the Senior Manager position itself opened
  up, because of a retirement.  He applied for that, and was hired.
    Some time later, this same fellow got a letter in the mail advising
  him that he did not qualify for the position of the Assistant Senior
  Manager.  The letter was signed by him, as part of his new duties.
                                - - - - -

*   Once you reach mid-level management, promotions are hard to come by
  at the State Highway.  I congratulated one woman on her recent upgrade
  and asked if she would mind telling me how she pulled it off.
    She smiled and said, "Well, sure.  But I doubt very much if it'll do
  you any good."
                                - - - - -

*   I never realized that single females had it even tuffer than us guys
  when a new boss takes over.  I overheard one secretary tell another:
  "The boss has had his eye on me all week.  I don't know whether to act
  interested or busy."
                                - - - - -

*   Fellow named Dan and I were getting a cup of coffee.  At that moment,
  Rene, who had an early dinner date, walked by after changing into her
  skin-tight everythings.
    We both watched silently until she was outta sight.  Finally Dan said,
  "Whoever said that Rene was all thumbs ?"
                                - - - - -

*   My boss was interviewing applicants.  One of the questions asked is
  always "Who is the most important person in the State Highway ?"  The
  answer, of course, is supposed to be "The public."
    This one fellow half-asked, half-answered, "You ?"  Guy was hired on
  the spot !

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ?  Visit me @

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Date:    Mon, 23 Jun 1997 12:34:48 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Confused? <clean>

 Rhode's Law:
         When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously
 proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or
 scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience,
 expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any
 combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and
 unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be
 undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it
 becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.


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Date:    Mon, 23 Jun 1997 11:51:02 +0200
From:    Juggy <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Limericks (adult themes)

These are kinda good limericks i like. Aint know the source, but just
read and enjoy 'em.
A haughty young woman named Gold,
Oft bragged that she'd never been rolled.
   But her story was blown,
   When her assets were shown,
In a sleazy mag's new centerfold.

A gifted old man from Darjeeling,
Read sweet Susie's tea leaves, revealing
   The quite sordid facts
   Of various acts,
The pious young fraud was concealing.

   Source: John Ciardi
There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
Whose people all thought her a virgin,
   'Till they found her in bed,
   With her quim very red,
And the head of a kid just emergin'.

A nervous young lady named Cheryl,
Said in bed, when she'd shed her apparel,
   "I'm sick of you lubbers
   Who forget to bring rubbers,
So I sure as hell hope that you're sterile."
There was an ungly old whore,
Who worked in a dirty book store.
   When the boys watched the flicks,
   She fondled their dicks,
And sucked them right off the floor.
Said a certain young girl of Madrid,
Who kept her vagina well hid,
   "For a lousy peseta,
   I am no fornicata,
But I'll spread for an adequate bid."

   Source: Isaac Asimov

-=)Juggy, an Indian in Germany(=-

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Date:    Mon, 23 Jun 1997 12:53:42 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Doctor, Masses, Li'l Johnny (sexual themes)

The Unethical Doctor

    A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.  The doctor took
one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
    He immediately told her to undress.  After she had disrobed the doctor
began to stroke her thigh.  Doing so, he asked her, "Do you
 know what I'm doing?"
    "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."
    "That is right," said the doctor.  He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
    "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
    "Correct," replied the shady doctor.  Finally, he mounted his patient
and started having sexual intercourse with her.  He asked,  "Do you know
what I'm doing now?"
    "Yes," she said.  "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in
the first place."     (from JokeMaster@JokeMaster.com)
The Masses are Asses - further evidence

     When I was a public health nurse, I had a young patient who was
pregnant for the third time in less than 3 years.  I asked her if she used
any birth control and she said that we took birth control pills.  I asked
her to bring them to me so that we could talk about what she was doing, the
dosage and whether or not she needed to change to another type of birth
     With that, she went to the bedroom and came back with . . . vaginal
foaming pills (about the size of a Necco wafer).  She said, "I've been
taking them just like the doctor told me - every time I have sex I take
one.  They're hard to swallow but I manage."
     I sat there for a moment trying to control the hysterical laughter
that was rising and ready to burst out of me.  I had visions of those
foaming tablets bubbling up out of her mouth.  I finally grasped onto my
professionalism and said in a somewhat stifled (but controlled) voice, "You
were supposed to insert those vaginally every time you had intercourse -
not swallow them."
     Her reply was, "Now I know why they didn't work."  Needless to say, I
had some teaching to do and a new form of birth control to get for her!!
 (from the Oracle)
Li'l Johnny

     Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside
all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today.  He says that he
played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door
neighbor. They are going to get married.
     His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of
Johnny so they ask Johnny him "How are you and Betty going to pay for the
expenses of being married?" He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week
from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k."
     His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses
if you and Betty have a baby?"
     Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."      (from Joke A Day)

Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.  To join a virtual campfire of story-
tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires,
e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org   Type "subscribe nerdnosh"
personal: capekid@bigfoot.com, capekid@hotmail.com, bmyers@iafrica.com

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Date:    Mon, 23 Jun 1997 07:41:05 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: elevator

A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this Father?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life.  I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls
opened and the lady rolled in between them into a small room.  The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with
numbers above the walls light up.  They continued to watch ten circles
light up in the reverse direction.  The walls opened up again and a
voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

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Date:    Mon, 23 Jun 1997 07:49:39 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: HUMOR IN HEADLINES <no off>

Actual headlines:
















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Date:    Mon, 23 Jun 1997 08:18:48 EDT
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Lite verse (4)

The optimist fell ten stories;
  At each window bar
He shouted to his friends:
  "All right so far." (Anonymous)

There is so much good in the worst of us,
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it ill behoves any of us,
To find fault with the rest of us. (Anonymous)

If you your lips would keep from slips,
  Five things observe with care:
Of whom you speak, to whom you speak,
  And how and when and where. (Anonymous)

A wise old owl lived in an oak;
The more he saw the less he spoke;
The less he spoke the more he heard:
Why can't we all be like that bird? (Edward Hersey Richards)

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Date:    Mon, 23 Jun 1997 08:18:15 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: A fly in my soup joke

Diner: "Waiter, what's this fly doing doing swimming in my soup?"

Waiter: "Looks like he's doing the backstroke."

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Date:    Mon, 23 Jun 1997 10:36:58 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Marriage & Peanuts (not off.)

 A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a Bridal Shop and
 asks for a white dress. "You can't wear white," reminds the sales clerk.
 "You're not a virgin. You've been married  three times already."
 "Of course I can, I'm a Virgin," says the bride.
 "Impossible" says the sales clerk.
 "Unfortunately not."

 The bride explained: "My first husband was a psychologist, all he wanted
 to do was talk  about it. My second husband was a gynecologist, all he
 wanted to do was look at it. My third husband  was a stamp collector, Oh
 God do I ever I miss  him!"

 This guy goes into a deserted restaurant and walks up to the bar. On the
 bar he notices a lot of peanuts lined up. He orders a beer and then hears
 someone say: "That's a very nice shirt". He looks around and but can't
 see anyone. A moment later he hears: "That's a nice haircut." Again he
 looks around but he can only see the bartender at the far end of the bar
 cleaning up. Again he hears a voice: "You look very handsome." This is
 driving him crazy and so he calls the bartender over and tells him about
 what has happened. "You're not going crazy", the bartender said. He went
 on to explain: "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

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Date:    Mon, 23 Jun 1997 09:59:17 -0500
From:    Rowe, Thomas <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor:  Another airline joke <clean>

I was told this joke by an Eastern Airline pilot some years ago.  Ozark
Airline, BTW, no longer around, was a small carrier with an outstanding
safety record.
Flying into St. Louis, the pilot radioed the control tower for a time
check.  The tower replied asking what airline.
  "What difference does it make who we are?"
  "Well, if you're United we would tell you its 1500 hours.  If you are
Continental, the time is 3 PM.  If you are Braniff, then the big hand is
one the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.  But if you're Ozark, its

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Date:    Mon, 23 Jun 1997 11:12:41 EST
Subject: Humor: offensive to Lesbians/suggestive

What did Ellen Degenerous say to Kathy Lee?

"Can I be frank with you?"

for internationl readers: both women are TV personalities. Ellen is an
admitted Lesbian and Kathy Lee's husbands name is Frank....

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Date:    Mon, 23 Jun 1997 15:04:30 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: kiddie quotes (part 5)  (fwd)

  This message is in MIME format.  The first part should be readable text,
  while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools.
  Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info.

--simple boundary
Content-ID: <Pine.SOL.3.93.970623150317.25951H@gwis2.circ.gwu.edu>

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Mon, 23 Jun 97 08:43:09 -0600
From: Christian Southwick <christian_southwick@bakerbotts.com>
Subject: kiddie quotes (part 5)
From: Just 4 Laughs

   Dear GOD,
   In school they told us what You do.
   Who does it when You are on vacation?

   Dear GOD,
   Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?

   Dear GOD,
   Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling
   words in the house?

   Dear GOD,
   Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an
   accident? -Norma

   Dear GOD,
   Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,
   why don't You just keep the ones You have now?

   Dear GOD,
   Who draws the lines around the countries?

   Dear GOD,
   I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.  Is that
   okay? -Neil

   Dear GOD,
   What does it mean You are a Jealous God?  I thought You had
   everything. -Jane

   Dear GOD,
   Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"?
   Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!

   Dear GOD,
   Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a
   puppy. -Joyce

   Dear GOD,
   It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
   He said some things about You that people are not supposed to
   say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I
   am not going to tell you who I am)

   Dear GOD,
   Why is Sunday school on Sunday?
   I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
   -Tom L.

   Dear GOD,
   Please send me a pony.
   I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.

   Dear GOD,
   If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything
   you want except my money or my chess set.

   Dear GOD,
   My brother is a rat.  You should give him a tail.  Ha ha.

   Dear GOD,
   Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had
   their own rooms.   It works with my brother.

   Dear GOD,
   I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so
   much hair all over. -Sam

   Dear GOD,
   I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
   -Ruth M.

   Dear GOD,
   I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the
   whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can
   never do it. -Nan

   Dear GOD,
   If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
    -Mickey D.

   Dear GOD,
   I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.

   Love, Chris

   Dear GOD,
   We read Thomas Edison made light.  But in school they said You
   did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
   Sincerely, Donna

--simple boundary--

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Date:    Mon, 23 Jun 1997 15:46:27 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: A Chain letter (Sh*t refferences)

Dear Mr. _________________,

This letter is being sent to you, for we know that you are critically
interested in your front yard. This is a FERTILIZER CLUB and it will not
cost a cent to you.

Upon receipt of this letter, go to the first address (#1) on the list and
shit on the lawn.  You will not be the only one there, so don't be

Then delete the first name and address, move the others up one, and add
your name to the bottom of the list.  Then make five (5) copies of this
letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate a good lawn.

Your reward will come next summer when you will have the greatest lawn in
your neighborhood.

#1   Mrs. Harry Butt            #2   Mr. Smelly B. Hind
       236 Corn Cob Alley                       2 Diarrhea Way
       Pottstown, PA                    Chambersburg, PA

#3   Mrs. Lucy Bowels           #4   Mr. O. Howie Farts
        29 Bed Pan Court                        272 Fertilizer Parkway
        Pottsville, PA                  Bath, PA

#5   Mrs. Orval Crap            #6   Mr. Z. Bigger Movement
        1422 Enema Drive                        U-2 Rectum Road
        Potts Grove, PA                 Pottsboro, TX

#7   Mrs. Chas. Syringe         #8   Mr. Took A. Leak
        2 Suppositor Lane                       742 Running Loose Lane
        Whistle Britches, PA            Potterville, MI

If you are constipated, please pass this along to your neighbor. DO NOT
BREAK THIS CHAIN!  One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire lawn.
Don't let this happen to you.  This letter is sent by a friend who DOES

Antonio Oliveros Fernandez.

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Date:    Mon, 23 Jun 1997 14:29:41 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Two classic suggestive jokes

Thanks, as usual, to JokeMaster <JokeMaster@JokeMaster.com>

                         CAN'T BEAT THE MEAT

    It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young
 woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and
 confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what
 was he going to do about it?  Finally he offered to provide her with
 free meat until the boy was 16.  She agreed.

    He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day
 the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into
 the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

    "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too.
 Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is
 the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

    When the boy arrived home he told his mother.  The woman nodded
 and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had
 free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years.  Then
 watch the expression on HIS face!"

     Thanks Harry The Cat   http://www.talstar.com/cat
                         I COULD USE A PIECE

    A woman from Texas and a woman from New York meet at a party.  The
 woman from Texas said to the woman from New York, "Hi!  Where y'all
 from?"  The woman from New York replied, "Where I come from we don't
 end our sentences with prepositions..."

    The Texas woman replied, "Fine!  Where y'all from, BITCH?!"

    A few minutes later, the New Yorker met the Texas woman's husband.
 Intent on getting even with the sassy lass, she asked, (in her most
 suggestive voice) "Is there anything I can do for you, handsome??"

    "Welllll," replied the Texan, "I sure could use a piece of ass."

    The New Yorker nodded and took the Texan into a bedroom. She
 removed her clothes and his clothes, then engaged in a hot session of
 mad passionate lovemaking with him.  After they are done, she again
 asked suggestively, "Now, handsome, is there anything *else* I can do
 for you?"

    "Well, thank you, ma'am," he replied. "I could still use that piece
 of ass for my drink."

     Thanks JLASSWELL@aol.com

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 01:47:24 GMT
From:    Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Physically Correct

                       Warning Labels That Are P.C.

As safety experts and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on
products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer
the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely
scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area.
This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible professionals and science
enthusiasts, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will
mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the
packaging of every product in every category offered for sale. Our
suggested list of required warnings follows.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance
Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged
Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Known as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from
Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe,
Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions
of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product
May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, In Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although
No Liability is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process
Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a
``Gluing" Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive
Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be
Entitled To Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond
Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New
Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" Into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer
Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist
Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons,
etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable
Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim
to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its
Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the Existence of This
Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.


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Date:    Tue, 24 Jun 1997 09:52:22 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Interview <clean,offensive to blondes only>

   A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer
   decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age,

   The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds
   before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!".[Quite Fast- C.]

   The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
   "And can you tell us your height, please?".

   The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag.
   She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of
   her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!".
   [Understandable :) - C.]

   This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics.
   "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

   The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds,
   mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!".

   The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just
   out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to
   work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious,
   but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

   "Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through
   'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".

   [But I have never seen a blonde before..
   - Chalapathi.]

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