Digest for Thursday, June 19, 1997

There are 18 messages totalling 814 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Baby Deliver (off. to Mailmen)
  2. Worrisome to those counting on the USAF
  3. Husbands & Wives
  4. Vocation
  5. Marketing Blunders (clean)
  6. Arkansaas Reading Test
  7. Alligatoris Fidelis
  8. If they married . . . (not off.)
  9. Not heard on ER
  10. What I learned from action movies.
  11. interactive Knock Knock (contains ref to broadway)
  12. The priest & the boy.
  13. Humor - Breadsticks
  14. Cannibal Jokes
  15. Top5 - 6/20/97 - Signs Youre At a Bad Law Schoo
  16. Ancient Egyptian Riddle
  17. LA People


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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 01:13:35 -0500
From:    PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: Baby Deliver (off. to Mailmen)

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered.  Upon
their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine  that would
transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out.  They were both very much in
favor of it.  The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to
go ahead and bump it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted the machine to
20% pain transfer.  The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked
the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well.  Since it was obviously helping
out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer
ALL the pain to him.  The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no
pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.  When they got home, the mailman was
dead on their porch.

(Blaine)
(phredd@mcs.net)

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Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 23:04:05 -0700
From:    Jim Stewart <jstewart@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Worrisome to those counting on the USAF

I am a negligent contributor because I have not read many of the recent
postings.  This came to me directly from Mike, who pilots F-18's, and he
sent it to a wide list.  If someone else has already posted this, I
apologize.
Jim
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are some aircraft discrepancies written by Air Farce (or is it Air
Force?) pilots and the corrective action taken by maintennce personnel.  I
think you will be thoroughly impressed!.. Mike


AF FORM 781 DISCREPANCIES

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
U.S. Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crew.

Problem:  "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. "
Solution:  "Almost replaced left inside main tire.  "

Problem:  "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. "
Solution:  "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem:  "#2 propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution:  "#2 propeller seepage normal."
Problem:  "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem:  "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution:  "IT DOES NOW."

Problem:  "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution:  "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem:  "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution:  "Evidence removed."

Problem:  "DME volume unbelievably low."
Solution:  "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem:  "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution:  "Live bugs on order."

Problem:  "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution:  "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem:  "IFF inoperative."
Solution:  "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem:  "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution:  "That's what they're there for."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim Stewart
jstewart@earthlink.net

Life is what happens to us while we're making other plans.
                                   Thomas LaMance, via Elaine Severs
18----------------------------------------------------------------------

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 02:57:57 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Husbands & Wives <adult humor>

*    Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes.
   "I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the
   car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak
   upstairs, and undress in the bathroom.  But she always wakes up and
   yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."
     "You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar
   into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her
   ass and say 'How about a little ?'  She always pretends to be asleep."
- - - - -

*   Although he'd had more than enuff to drink, the wife agreed to a
  role playing sexual fantasy.  The husband requested student-teacher.
  He started it off by rubbing her stomach and saying "Teacher, may I ?"
    Smelling his breath, the wife responded, "Arnold, in this particular
  case you should ask 'can I ?'."
                                - - - - -

*   In spite of her husband's successful sex-organ transplant, the wife
  still complained about the failure of their marriage.  "Before the
  operation, he couldn't make love to anybody." she told the counselor,
  "Now he has sex with everyone but me !"
    "Now that's strange." replied the counselor.  "Did he explain why ?"
    "Yes." she fumed.  "He now claims he can't stand the thought of me
  committing adultery."
                                - - - - -

*   A week after their marriage, the newlyweds paid a visit to their
  doctor.  "I can't figure it out Doc, my testicles are turning blue."
    The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition.  He
  asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed ?"
    "Yes." she replied.
    "And what kind of jelly are you using ?" the doctor then asked.
    "Grape." she said.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ?  Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 12:00:52 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Vocation <off. to us Catholics>

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth
grade what whey want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says:
"When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks, in shock:
"What the did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God!
I thought you said a Protestant"

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 12:15:03 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Marketing Blunders (clean)

We might have seen a few of these in past, but several are new to me...
-----
 Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations.
It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into
trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...

 The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of
signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or
"female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then
researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent,
"ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

 In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi
Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

 Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger- lickin' good"
came out as "eat your fingers off."

 The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got
translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so
refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

 When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company
figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its
Spanish markets to the Caribe.

 Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company
found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford
pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

 When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed
to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."  However, the
company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass.
Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

 An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in
Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

 Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender
chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of
Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a
caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

 Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos
before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts."  In this
case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

 Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno mag.  In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water
translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

 Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered
English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex
tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company
changed its name.

 In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental
breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's
eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It
gets your pecker up."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.  To join a virtual campfire of story-
tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires,
e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org   Type "subscribe nerdnosh"
personal: capekid@bigfoot.com, capekid@hotmail.com, bmyers@iafrica.com

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 08:39:12 -0400
From:    Doug Bunch <dougb@USIT.NET>
Subject: Arkansaas Reading Test

Note: "Arkensas" only because it came out about the time Slick Willie's
first term began.  I would gues it probably circulated as a Georgia reading
test when Carter was elected.


Arkansas Board of Education - 12th Grade Reading Test

LESSON 1
M R DUCKS
M R NOT
O S A R
C M WINGS
L I B
M R DUCKS

LESSON 2
M R SNAKES
M R NOT
O S A R
C M BDI'S
L I B
M R SNAKES

LESSON 3
M R FARMERS
M R NOT
O S A R
C M MT POCKETS
M R FARMERS

LESSON 4
M R MICE
M R NOT
O S A R
C M EDBD FEET
L I B
M R MICE

LESSON 5
M R PUPS
M R NOT
O S A R
CM PN
L I B
M R PUPS

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 12:27:36 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Alligatoris Fidelis <adult>

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll
make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside.  Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.  He'll then
open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.  In return for witnessing
this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."  The crowd murmured
their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and
placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.  The gator closed his
mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the
man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised.  The crowd cheered and
the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.  After a
while,  hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head
with the beer bottle".

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 12:43:37 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: If they married . . .  (not off.)

 If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

 If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

 If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

 If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

 If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be
 Cat Doggy Dogg.

 If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry
 Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

 If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman
 Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.

 If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

 If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
 Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

 If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

 How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd
 be Boog Alou.

 If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to
 marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

 Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name,
 so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard
 Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

 If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan
 Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little
 longer to inderstand)

 If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar,
 then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

 If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu
 the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

 If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar
 (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician),
 she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

 If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory
 Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

 If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in
 show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin
 Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all
 nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short
 Guy."

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 10:32:20 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Not heard on ER

 A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS
 PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID)
 A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR HOSPITALS.

   The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to
   the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

   Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

   The skin was moist and dry.

   Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

   The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

   She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
   until 1989 when she got a divorce.

   Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

   The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
   airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

   I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
   therapy.

   The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
   who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

   Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to
   Los Angeles.

   Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

   She is numb from her toes down.

   Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right
   foot.

   While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent
   home.

   The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

   The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However he took a job
   as a stockbroker instead.

   Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

   Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

   Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his
   family in no distress.

   Patient was alert and unresponsive.

   When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


Thanks to JokeMaster <JokeMaster@JokeMaster.com>, James Nomura
<jtnomura@sirius.com> and Dick Landman <dick@trail.com>
---
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 11:51:38 -0700
From:    Michael J. Irvin <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: <No subject given>

Think, think, think


Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you make it idiot proof, someone will make a better idiot.

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

Is it OK to yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded Firehouse?

Mr. Bullfrog says.... Time is fun when you're having flies!

Gravity. It's not just a good idea, it's the law!

If you are too old to learn, you were born so.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Common Sense Isn't.

Money: The Mint makes it first, and we try to make it last.

Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.

To poldly bow air mobius gumby four: STAR TREK on Novocain.

Outside noisy = Inside empty.

Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the
keyboard.

It may be that your sole purpose is to serve as a warning to others.

A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Argue not with dragons, for thou art crunchy and go well with brie.

I think, therefore I am overqualified.

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Think hard now... which one is Shinola?

The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

He who laughs, lasts.

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 15:12:25 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: What I learned from action movies.

18 important things learned about life from action adventure films:

 1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than
    myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill
    him with my bare hands.
 2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so
    tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
 3. There are two kinds of women in the world: One type want to go to bed
    with you, and the other type want to kill you. Both types are
    physically attractive and under 25 years old.
 4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my coworkers, not only
    won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
 5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my
    obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
 6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will
    adore me.
 7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will
    fall in love with me.
 8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator
    is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
 9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us
    dies, we will become best friends.
10. My archenemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my
    father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect
    for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will
    never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When
    people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,'
    which will be tended to by a beautiful woman (see #7, above).
12. I will befriend at least one black guy, if white, or one white guy, if
    black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through
    the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful
    daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will
    gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and
    gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game
    of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will
    then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a
    sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and
    ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask
    when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do
    those things either.

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 15:18:32 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> interactive Knock Knock (contains ref to broadway)

The local Broadway Farm team uses some of our classrooms as
practice rooms for upcoming productions.  This summer the musical
is SOUTH PACIFIC.

For weeks now we've heard the strains of "Nothing Like a Dame"
and "Bloody Mary" wafting through the halls.  We were even
treated to the sounds of the suave Frenchman singing about the
"enchanted evening."

Well, I snuck into the room when the players were off on a break
one afternoon and left them a message on the blackboard (yes,
this room has one of them old-fangled blackboards).  I wrote:

                   KNOCK KNOCK

                   Who's there?

                   Sam and Janet!

                   Sam and Janet Who?

When the group packed out of our classrooms for their last few
days of rehearsals on state somebody added the following:

                   Sam and Janet, Leaving!

I liked it!

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 15:07:32 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: The priest & the boy.

The priest is repairing the church fence. A boy is standing nearby for a
long while. The priest asks him:
"Do you want to speak with me, my son?"
"No, I'm just waiting."
"Waiting for what?"
"Wanna know what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer."
__________________________________________
Antonio Oliveros Fernandez.
oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 18:05:07 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Breadsticks

    If drumsticks are for playing drums, you'd think breadsticks would be
for playing bread, wouldn't you?  "Would you like some breadsticks?"  "No
thank you. I don"t play bread; I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum
roll."
                              *-*-*
* from  George Carlin's book, Brain Droppings.

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 22:00:51 EDT
From:    Donald E. Chesnel <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Cannibal Jokes <potentially offensive to just about everyone on the
         planet>

One day a cannibal visits another cannibal tribe on an island.  They are
selling regular people for $2 and they have politicians for $100.  The
cannibal says to one of the islanders, "Why are the politicians so
expensive?"  The local says, "Do you realize how hard it is to clean one
of those?"

Two cannibals are having dinner.  One says, "God, I hate my
mother-in-law."  The second says, "So eat some potatoes instead."

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher.

Then there was the cannibal who loved fast food.
He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.

What is a cannibal's favorite game?
Swallow the leader.

What did the cannibal give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A box of farmers fannies.

Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?
Eatin' Allen's

What did the cannibal get from his wife when he was late for dinner?
Hot tongue and a cold shoulder.

Two cannibals are having a clown for dinner.  One says to the other,
"Does this taste funny to you?"

What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.

What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Baloney sandwiches.

What is a cannibal's favorite TV show?
Celebrity roast.

When do cannibals leave the dinner table?
When everyone's eaten.

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 23:00:06 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 6/20/97 - Signs You're At a Bad Law Schoo

       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
               Make check payable to: Chris White
                Looking for Internet shortcuts?
                       Try the TipFinder!
                   http://www.winsources.com
================================================================
                         June 20, 1997

       The Top 15 Signs You're Attending a Bad Law School

15> Materials needed for Torts 101 include a baking sheet and
    apron.

14> Morely Safer and his camera crew are on campus more often than
    you are.

13> If you last the entire eight weeks, Sally Struthers personally
    signs your diploma.

12> Admission test, found on back of a matchbook, requires you to
    draw Marcia Clark's briefs.

11> Faculty recruited from the exercise yard.

10> The Dean once failed to get James Earl Jones acquitted on a
    charge that he "talks like a sissy."

 9> Professors always accept 5th Amendment as an excuse for not
    turning in homework.

 8> Every question answered with, "You can't handle the truth!"

 7> Two words: Dean Wapner

 6> Three hours a day of chasing a little metal ambulance around a
    dog track.

 5> In mock trials, the judge always sentences you to a spanking.

 4> Today's lecture: "Fight for Your Right to Party," by visiting
    professor Adam "The King AdRock" Horovitz.

 3> Your roommate is on a "John Gotti Scholarship."

 2> Can't see the blackboard over Axel Rose's hair.


    and the Number 1 Sign You're Attending a Bad Law School...


 1> The white wigs and black robes may be a tradition, but there's
    no explaining the lipstick, garter belts, and high heels.


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
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                   Ruminations & Ponderances

               Why can't some people take a joke?
              Well, maybe because they're honest,
              and the joke doesn't belong to them.

                    (Thanks to Matt Diamond)

          --------------------------------------------

             Credit Where Credit Is Due Department

                    Yesterday's Rumination,
               "Imagine what life would be like
               with no hypothetical situations,"
                is actually from Steven Wright.

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Date:    Fri, 20 Jun 1997 09:25:10 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Ancient Egyptian Riddle <clean>

        Question relates to somwhere 'round 325 B.C...

        Q.Why were Egyptian children confused during those times??

        (Customary ScrollDown)

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        A. Cuz Their Daddies Were Mummies!!!!!

        Chalapathi (*^_^*)

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 23:55:35 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: LA People <off. to Los Angelos>

  All the loose nuts in America end up in Los
  Angeles because of the continental tilt.

                           Frank Lloyd Wright

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