Digest for Wednesday, June 18, 1997

There are 14 messages totalling 430 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. The Gentle Sex
  2. Little Johnny
  3. Tax Matters
  4. Father knows best
  5. Barbender (off. to drunks)
  6. Brainless Olympics (not offensive)
  7. GOSSIP & GOSSIPING
  8. Law Enforcement (off. to animals)
  9. Froggy (fwd)
  10. Humor - Names
  11. HUMOR:offensive to women, suggestive
  12. College grads gift toDad
  13. The ensign
  14. The Wait


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Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 03:55:01 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Gentle Sex <adult humor>

*   Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up
  alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal.  He shouted over "So...
  out looking for a little, huh ?"
    She smiled sweetly and said,  "No, I had 6 years of that with you.
  I'm out looking for a LOT !"
                                - - - - -

*   Things weren't going too well for the husband business-wise and
  he got his wife an imitation tennis bracelet, instead of the real one
  she wanted for their anniversary.  "I hope you understand sweetheart,
  but you can pretend it's real."
    "Fine !" she said pouting, "And tonite in bed, you can pretend I'm
  there under you."
                                - - - - -

*   It wasn't until their second date that the girl realized the man she
  was with was a braggart.  They were doubling with another couple for
  dinner, and the man said to her: "Instead of dessert, how about we just
  go to my place, and I'll slip ya nine inches."
    "Hmmmmm." responded the girl.  "I hadn't realized that you could get
  it up three times in a row."
                                - - - - -

*   "When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex
  appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an
  assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful."
    "Did it work ?" asked the friend.
    "Well, kinda..." the man replied.  "But now, every time I do feel like
  a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."
                                - - - - -

*   My wife and I were in bed, when she suddenly said, "Don't you think
  it's time Joel (our daughter's boyfriend) went home ?"
    I told her, "Awwww come on honey, don't ya remember what it was like
  when we were dating ?  Give the kid a break."
    There was total silence for like 5 seconds, then she leaped out of bed
  and shouted, "I'm throwing that little S.o.B. out of the house NOW !"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ?  Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html

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Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 11:56:00 -0200
From:    Devendra Ramkhelawan <deven@MLC.EMAIL.CO.ZA>
Subject: Little Johnny  <adult themes>

   Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day,
   the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to
   heaven first.

   One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes
   to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to
   believe in God."

   The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand.
   He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all
   about love."

   "Very good," said the teacher.  The teacher looked up and saw Little
   Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this."

   "Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

   Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."  The
   teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He
replied,
   "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom
   had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"

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Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 13:14:59 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Tax Matters <clean>

Recently, a Tax Inspector came to see me. After wearing a garlic
necklace, I was ready to meet him. What follows is an
excerpt of our conversation  (M:Moi, I: Inspector).

I: May I see your accounting books?
M: Of course, here they are: Accounting Made Easy, Accounting For
People Who Cannot Count, The Taxman Lestat...
I: You don't keep your accounts on books?
M: No, I don't, you see, books are already printed, there's no space to write
on them.
I: Where do you keep your accounts?
M: In my head.
I: How am I supposed to inspect them?
M: Hypnotize me, I suppose.
I: How about VAT returns?
M: VAT returns? That's great! I was not aware that it had left. Where
did it go, by the way?
I: I don't believe this. Don't you have any records, at all?
M: Of course I do have records, I have some early recordings by
Busoni, made in 1928, very rare, and the complete collection of
Beethoven sonatas, recorded by Arthur Schnabel in Berlin, before the
war and...
I: Have you ever paid taxes?
M: Excusez-moi, je ne parle pas l'Anglais.
I: I need two aspirins....

(VAT: Value Added Tax, roughly comparable to the Sales Tax, in some
Sates, in the USA).

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Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 13:20:53 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Father knows best <no off>

Mammy has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
'You understand it now ?' mammy asks.
'Yes,' replies her daughter.
'Do you still have any questions ?'
Yes, how about little kittens, how does that work ?'
'In exactly the same way as with babies'.
'Wow,' the girl exclaims, 'my daddy can do ANYTHING !'

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Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 08:46:54 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Barbender (off. to drunks)

 A very inebrieted lady walks into a bar, shortly before closing time,
 sits at the bar and orders: "Barbender, barbender, I would like a
 Martoutsy". The bartender brings her a Martini, which she drinks in one
 gulp. "Barberder, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender
 brings her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward,
 barely able to hang on. She calls: "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving
 me heartburn". Patiently, the bartender comes near her and says: "Lady, I
 am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is
 not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn,
 your tit is hanging in the ashtray".

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Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 09:53:53 -0400
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Brainless Olympics (not offensive)

by Randy Walker. He calls it:

         Winners of the Brainless Olympics!


Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport
hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the
face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans
off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed
its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the
job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of
gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers
suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room.
Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he
cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

 The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the
time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the
bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book
about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be
copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds
when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went
out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged.
Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to
the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand
over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the
police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was
arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a
steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped
aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

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Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 11:02:13 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: GOSSIP & GOSSIPING

  There are two kind of people who blow through
                             life like a breeze,
  And one kind is gossipers, and the other kind
                                   is gossipees.

                                                        Ogden Nash

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Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 10:16:55 -0500
From:    PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: Law Enforcement (off. to animals)

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.  They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies.  The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

(Blaine)
(phredd@mcs.net)

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Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 11:47:49 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Froggy <sexual content> (fwd)

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 17 Jun 1997 10:27:24 -0600
From: Brian Nicholls <bxnicho@uswest.com>
To: mentze@gwis2.circ.gwu.edu
Subject: Froggy
>
>A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet.  After
>>looking around she realized that all the pets there were very
>>expensive.  A clerk came up and asked if there's something he could
>>help her with.
>>    "I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so
>>expensive!" She says.  "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog
>>in the back for $50.00.  Would you like to see it?"  "$50.00?? For a
>>Frog??" said the woman.  The clerk said, "It's a special frog.  It's
>>gives blowjobs."  So, the woman decides to buy the frog.  She takes it
>>home to her boyfriend, explains the frog and they're both happy.
>>The woman goes to bed.
>>    Around two in the morning she is woke up by pots and pans
>>banging around in the kitchen.  She gets up to go see what's going on
>>and when she gets to the kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog
>>sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks.
>>    "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?"
>>says the woman.  The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach
>>this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!!!"
>>
>


------------- End Forwarded Message -------------

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Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 11:57:04 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Names

George Carlin speaks of the time he was in Hawaii: "I met Don Ho and his
wife Heidi. Plus his three brothers, Gung,Land and Hy.

* from Carlin's book, Brain Droppings.

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Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 13:22:40 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: HUMOR:offensive to women, suggestive

  The Top 15 Questions on the Spice Girl Job Application >

15> In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really,
    want this job.

14> Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your
    hooters?

13> Would it, like, bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred?

12> How would you best describe yourself?
    ( ) An energetic self-starter
    ( ) A team player
    ( ) A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet

11> True or false: A mosh pit is the seed of the mosh fruit.

10> "I am willing to trade sexual favors for a career in the music
    industry."  ( )Yes  ( )No

 9> How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar?

 8> Does nudity bother you? If so, should I put my clothes back on?

 7> Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual
    free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical
    medicine and modern behavioralist psychology.
    Just kidding!!
    Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?

 6> Are you deceptively attractive in colored or stroboscopic light?

 5> Choose an appropriate nickname: Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie, Chlamydia.

 4> Have you ever been convicted of combining vertical and horizontal
    stripes?

 3> If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometers, and
    75 kilometers an hour, respectively, how would you look in spandex?

 2> Does the term "force majeure in perpetuity" make you afraid or
    just giggly?

    and the Number 1 Question on the Spice Girl Job Application... >

 1> If required as part of your deal with Satan, would you be willing
    to help alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness?

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Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 16:24:30 EDT
From:    Arthur A Plante <payrollcdp@JUNO.COM>
Subject: College grads gift toDad

A lumberjack had raised his only son & had managed to finance the young
man's college education by the only way he knew how, cutting down trees,
by hand.

The young man had helped his father cut down some of those trees.  He
knew how hard his father had to work to put him through college.

When the son started college he  promised himself the first thing he
would do was to buy his father a present that would make the old man's
life easier.

The son saved & scrimped & finally had enough money to purchase the
finest chain saw in the world.

On a school vacation the son asks his dad how many trees could he cut
down in one day.  The father a large husky man thought and said on a good
day he was able to bring down 20 trees.

The son gave the father the brand new chain saw & said from now on he
would be able to triple the amount and only work half as hard.

The old man was very pleased and said he had the best son in the world.

The young man left for school the next morning & wasn't able to return
until the next school break, 3 months later.

When he arrived he immediately noticed that his dad appeared run down.
He asked if his father was feeling alright.

The old man replied that cutting trees was getting harder & harder & now
with the new chain saw he was working longer hours but not cutting as
many trees as before.

The son knew there was something wrong & thought perhaps the saw he
purchased wasn't as good as advertised.  He asked to check it out

Upon examining it he checked the oiler & it was full.  He checked the gas
& it too was full.  He yanked on the cord & immediately it roared to
life.

His father grabbed him by the shirt & hollered

WHAT'S THAT NOISE!!!!


Arthur at the base of Cape Cod

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Date:    Wed, 18 Jun 1997 22:44:33 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: The ensign

The new ensign was standing his first night watch on the bridge of a
destroyer.  Far out on the horizon the USS New Jersey was conducting a
night gunnery exercise.  The ensign, seeing the flashes of light from the
battleship, ran excitedly up to the signal bridge and pointed out the
"Morse code" coming from the other ship.
Ensign:  "What are they saying?  What are they saying?"
Signalman:  "Boom.  Boom."
____________________________________________
Antonio Oliveros Fernandez.
oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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Date:    Thu, 19 Jun 1997 10:03:48 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Wait <clean>

 When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe
asked   the man,
 "Who died?"
 "My Mother in law."
 "How?"
 "The dog bit her."
 "Can I borrow the dog?"
 "Get in line."

Chalapathi

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