Digest for Monday, June 16, 1997

There are 12 messages totalling 406 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Yuppette Dating
  2. Australian story
  3. Women Seeking Men
  4. Top5 - 6/16/97 - Items in the Tobacco Companies Deal
  5. KICKING THE GAMBLING HABIT (off. to teachers??)
  6. Politicians: should we warn them?
  7. Tact
  8. QE I and QE II
  9. A hairy piece
  10. One liners
  11. HUMOR - One of each
  12. Notice


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Date:    Mon, 16 Jun 1997 02:07:42 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Yuppette Dating <some adult humor>

* Father to Yuppette's boyfriend, who arrived to take her on a date:
  "She'll be right down.  Care for a game of chess ?"
                                - - - - -

* One Yuppette to another: "He likes my company, and I just love his.
  I think it's called the First Fidelity Trust."
                                - - - - -

* Two Yuppettes were discussing their current relationships: "At first
  he seemed dull and uninteresting, but when you finally get to know
  him, he's downright boring."
                                - - - - -

* The Yuppette was considering the proposal of marriage she had just
  received:  "Let me hear that part again where you realize you're not
  half good enough for me."
                                - - - - -

* The Yuppette was standing on the porch, with her Mother, watching her
  boyfriend depart:  "But Mother, I'm positive he's been faithful to me.
  The seat belts never need readjusting."
                                - - - - -

* The Yuppette was obviously tiring of her current beau when she asked:
  "When people ask me what I see in you Raymond, what shall I tell them ?"
                                - - - - -

* The bored Yuppette said to her date: "I think I'll have another drink.
  It makes you so witty and charming."
                                - - - - -

* The Yuppette was trying to reassure her lover during sex: "Of course
  you're not the first man I've made love to.  You know I think more of
  you than to just use you as a guinea pig."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ?  Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html

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Date:    Mon, 16 Jun 1997 02:52:38 -0400
From:    Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: Australian story

The following is excerted from Robyn Davidson's _Tracks_, a feminist
adventure-travelogue through the deserts of Australia:

One of the potters who had lived there before had told me a very funny
story about this remarkable woman.  They had all been sitting at home one
night, listening to the sounds of drunken battle wafting over from Ada's
camp.  Suddenly, the shouts became louder and more urgent and my friend
went over to see if there was any trouble.  He arrived in time to see
Ada's boyfriend staggering around the shack emptying a can of petrol on
the way, then bending down with shaking fingers, trying to light the
stuff.  It had all sunk into the dust by then, so there was no real
danger, but Ada was not to know that.  She had gone to the woodpile,
picked up the axe and felled the man with one blow.  He dropped flat on
his back, blood streaming from the wound into the ground around him.  My
friend thought for sure Ada had killed him and screamed at the others to
run for an ambulance.  Being so certain there was nothing he could do for
the bloody body, he did what he could for Ada who was by then in shock.
With trembling fingers he wrapped her in a blanket and handed her some of
his tequila.  There was a groan behind him.  The man struggled on to an
elbow, fixed my friend with a swaying glare and said, "For Christ's sake,
man, can't you see she's had enough?"

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Date:    Mon, 16 Jun 1997 05:55:57 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Women Seeking Men

(PhilM4@aol.com asked me to post this for him)


A List of Abbreviations in the "Women Seeking Men" Classifieds

 CODE WORD.....              MEANS
 40-ish                      48
 Adventur                    Has had more partners than you ever will
 Affectionate                Possessive
 Artist                      Unreliable
 Athletic                    Flat chested
 Average looking             Ugly
 Beautiful                   Pathological liar
 Commitment-minded           Pick out curtains, now!
 Communication important     Just try to get a word in edge-wise
 Contagious Smile            Bring your penicillin
 Educated                    College dropout
 Emotionally Secure          Medicated
 Employed                    Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
 Enjoys art and opera        Snob
 Enjoys Nature               Bring your own granola
 Exotic Beauty               Would frighten a Martian
 Feminist                    Fat; ball buster
 Financially Secure          One paycheck from the street
 Free spirit                 Substance user
 Friendship first            Trying to live down reputation as slut
 Fun                         Annoying
 Gentle                      Comatose
 Good Listener               Borderline Autistic
 Humorous                    Caustic
 Intuitive                   Your opinion doesn't count
 In Transition               Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
 Light drinker               Lush
 Looks younger               If viewed from far away in bad light
 Loves Travel                If you're paying
 Loves Animals               Cat lady
 Mature                      Will not let you treat her like a farm animal
                             in bed, like last boyfriend did
 New-Age                     All body hair, all the time
 Non-tradional               Ex-husband lives in the basement
 Old-fashioned               Lights out, missionary position only
 Open-minded                 Desperate
 Outgoing                    Loud
 Passionate                  Loud
 Petite                      Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
 Poet                        Depressive Schzophrenic
 Professional                Bitch
 Redhead                     Shops on the Clairol aisle
 Reliable                    Frumpy
 Reubenesque                 Grossly Fat
 Romantic                    Looks better by candle light
 Self-employed               Jobless
 Smart                       Insipid
 Special                     Rode the short schoolbus
 Spiritual                   Involved with a cult
 Stable                      Boring
 Tall, thin                  Anorexic
 Tan                         Wrinkled
 Voluptuous                  Very Fat
 Weight proportional to
   height                    Hugely Fat
 Wants Soulmate              One step away from stalking
 Widow                       Nagged first husband to death
 Writer                      Pompous
 Young at heart              Toothless crone

 Sooo, where's the male side of that list?  Here, I'll give you a start:


 CODE WORD...                MEANS...
 40-ish                      52 and looking for 25-yr-old
 Affectionate                Needy and looking for mother-figure
 Artist                      Delicate ego badly in need of massage
 Athletic                    Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
 Average looking             Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
 Distinguished-looking       Fat, grey, and bald
 Educated                    Will always treat you like an idiot
 Employed                    On management track at Radio Shack
 Financially Secure          I will spend some money on you, in return for
                             which I will expect you to obey my every whim
                             for the duration of your mortal life.
 Free Spirit                 Sleeps with your sister
 Friendship first            As long as friendship involves nudity
 Fun                         Good with a remote and a six pack
 Good looking                Arrogant bastard
 Honest                      Pathological Liar
 Huggable                    Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
 ISO Slim, attractive female Would be better off with a labrador retriever
 Light drinker               Headed for AA
 Like to cuddle              Insecure, overly dependent
 Like romantic walks on      I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to
 the beach                   hear
 Mature                      Until you get to know him
 Open-minded                 Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not
                             interested
 Physically fit              I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors
                             admiring myself
 Poet                        Once wrote on a bathroom stall while
                             constipated
 Professional                Owns a white button down
 Reliable                    Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
 Self-employed               Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend
 Sensitive                   Needy
 Smart                       Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on
                             TV"
 Spiritual                   Once went to church with his grandmother on
                             easter
 Stable                      Occasional stalker, but never arrested
 Thoughtful                  Says "Please" when demanding a beer
 Virile                      Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing
                             out
 Young at heart              Pedophile

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Date:    Mon, 16 Jun 1997 06:46:26 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 6/16/97 - Items in the Tobacco Companies' Deal

                         June 16, 1997


        The Top 15 Items in the Tobacco Companies' Deal

15> Camel cash catalog to include iron lung at 150,000 coupon level.

14> Sell super-cancerous $8 cigars to kill all those pretentious
    cigar-smoking snots.

13> No more advertising on billboards, but the tattoo area is
    wiiiiide open!!

12> Lucky Strike Psychic Friends Network will be permitted to
    predict that every caller will fail miserably in their attempt
    to quit smoking.

11> In final gala advertising event, Joe Camel to chew C. Everett
    Koop's beard off on pay-per-view.

10> Tobacco companies agree to take Jesse Helms out of their back
    pocket.

 9> Only sports to be sponsored by tobacco companies: Lung Tossing
    and Long Distance Phlegm Hacking.

 8> All cigarette ads must carry picture of nude Ernest Borgnine
    and/or Bea Arthur.

 7> Sexy people doing exciting things in ads replaced by people in
    Starfleet uniforms attending a Trek convention.

 6> At RJ Reynolds corporate headquarters, every Tuesday is "Free
    Tracheotomy Day."

 5> Reduce nicotine, increase "moldy sardine" flavor.

 4> Mandatory new brands:  "Phlegm", "Yellow Tooth", "Loser Lights",
    "Desperate Bid For Peer Approval 100s."

 3> CEOs of Philip Morris and RJ Reynolds entitled to occasional
    trident sharpenings and horn polishings.

 2> Government agrees not to interfere with industry's upcoming
    "Lung Disease is Cool" and "Bum a Smoke From Mickey" campaigns.


 and the Number 1 Item in the Tobacco Companies' Deal...


 1> Warning on side of packets replaced with picture of Keith
    Richards.


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

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Date:    Mon, 16 Jun 1997 07:28:58 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: KICKING THE GAMBLING HABIT (off. to teachers??)

 It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up
 the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he
 was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch
 money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did
 not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such
 problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to
 gamble.

 Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how
 things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I
 think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit." The father
 asked her what had happened. "The little tyke absolutely insisted on
 betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I
 finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show
 him that I had no mole." "Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty
 dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day
 was over."

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Date:    Mon, 16 Jun 1997 14:41:03 UT+0200
From:    Lize Lubbe <Lize.Lubbe@LUBBE.DYNAGEN.CO.ZA>
Subject: Politicians: should we warn them?

While writing the story about the snake and the rabbit, I thought
what a pity it was to give away the punch-line in the warning. This
brought to mind a great South African, CJ Langenhoven - author, wit
and politician ... in bygone days when politicians still commanded a
measure of respect.

One day, in the House of Assembly (we follow the British system
here), Langenhoven declared that "half the Members of Parliament
are asses."

The Speaker immediately demanded an apology, to which Langenhoven
responded: "I apologize. Half the Members are not asses."

So why warn them? One half wouldn't understand, the other
half wouldn't care!

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Date:    Mon, 16 Jun 1997 14:04:15 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Tact

  A maharajah who entertained Neysa McMein in
  India many winters ago querried a servant on
  the progress she was making in hunting: "The
  beautiful lady shoots divinely," reported the
  impecable Hindu, "but Providence is merciful
  to the birds."

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Date:    Mon, 16 Jun 1997 17:13:13 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: QE I and QE II <gross, off. to olfactorily enhanced)

Lize Lubbe's tale of QE I and the Royal fart submitted a few days ago
reminds me of the tale of her descendent's experience with the same
unpleasant odor.

The King of Spain was visiting Queen Elizabeth II a few years back, I
hear, and she treated him to a Royal Parade through the streets of London.
She, Prince Phillip, and the Spanish king were riding in a gilded open
carriage drawn by ten beautiful white horses.  Just the parade was ending
and the cortege turned into the palace grounds, one of the rear horses let
out the most outrageous farts ever heard by English or Spanish ear.

        PPPPPFFFFFTTTTFFFFFFFPPPTTTTPPPT~!  !!

The Queen blushed and rushed to offer, "I'm so DREADFULLY sorry!"
The King responded, "I thought it was the HORSE!"

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Date:    Tue, 17 Jun 1997 00:50:50 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: A hairy piece <no off>

Said a man in a bar to another man:
'You know, without the moustache you just look like my wife'.
'I'm sorry, I don't have a moustache.'
'No, but she does'.

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Date:    Mon, 16 Jun 1997 19:35:18 -0400
From:    D S Paull <dljbs@JUNO.COM>
Subject: One liners

One Designer had such bad handwriting they'd only sell his jeans in Drug
stores.

Then there was the guy in jail because of jealousy.  He was trying to
make the same kind of money as the government.

The way it's been going, the future tense of "invest" is "investigation".

Somebody just came up with a great idea for married people at breakfast.
It is cellophane newspaper.

If necessity is the mother of invention, how come so much unnecessary
stuff is invented?

The thermos is a great invention. How does it know when to keep things
hot and when to keep them cold?

After surgery, they put me in the expensive care unit.

Insomnia: the triumph of mind over mattress

I just bought a state-of-the-art washer/dryer. It talk. This morning it
told me what it did with the other sock.

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Date:    Mon, 16 Jun 1997 21:12:17 +0000
From:    Sarah W. Soderlund <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - One of each

A Catholic, Jew, Afro-American, and a Gay all walk into a bar -
The bartender looks up at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"

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Date:    Tue, 17 Jun 1997 09:31:12 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Notice <clean>

                           N O T I C E
 To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice
 About Notices.  You may have noticed the increased number of notices for
 you to notice.  We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On
 the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed.  This is very
 noticeable.  It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been
 noticeably unnoticeable.  This notice is to remind you to notice the
 notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to
 go unnoticed.

 Chalapathi,
 President,Notice Committee For Noticing Notices

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