Digest for Friday, June 13, 1997

There are 14 messages totalling 468 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Young Love
  2. haircuts
  3. Bills New Mansion (clean)
  4. Murphys Laws for Frequent Flyers
  5. A Royal Fart
  6. Blonde joke
  7. Humor - Office Jargon (part 2 of 2)
  8. The Graham Cracker Boomerang Effect
  9. Horse joke
  10. With Feeling
  11. Project Manager definitions
  12. Bedtime story
  13. whats your order?
  14. New Reasons for Not Going to Work


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Date:    Fri, 13 Jun 1997 02:58:55 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Young Love <Adult Humor>

*   A Father came home and found his eight year old boy sitting on the
  front porch smoking a cigar.  He marched up to the lad, removed the
  cigar from the boy's mouth and said, "I suppose you're going to tell
  me that you're sitting there smoking because you just became a Father."
    "Hell no Dad." said the boy, "Cindy ain't even reached puberty yet."
                                - - - - -

*   The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession
  of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting
  on the edge of the fountain in the town square.
    The arresting officer told them were entitled to a phone call,
  since he was unable to reach either parent.
    Some time later a man entered the station and the Sergeant said, "I
  suppose you're the kids' lawyer."
    "Nope." the chap replied.  "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."
                                - - - - -

*   A missionary, who was journeying up the Amazon, decided to teach his
  young guide some English to make the time pass quicker.  He would point
  to various objects on the shore and give their English names.  Everything
  was going fine until they saw a young couple making love on the shore.
  The minister was embarrassed, and simply said, "Boy riding bicycle."
    His guide took his bow, let fly with several arrows, and shouted
  "Boy riding MY bicycle."
                                - - - - -

*   The high school star tackle and champion weight lifter was about to
  make love to his girl.  She had invited him over to try out her new
  water bed while her parents were at work.
    Suddenly, the water bed sprung a leak.  As the girl lay there getting
  soaked, she sighed and said, "Harold, when are you going to do something
  about your aim ?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ?  Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html

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Date:    Fri, 13 Jun 1997 05:25:30 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: haircuts

Haircuts -- The difference between men and women

Women's version:
 ---------------------------

Woman2:  Oh!   You got a haircut!  That's so cute!

Woman1:  Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she was gave me the
mirror.  I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2:  Oh God no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair cut like
that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much stuck with this
stuff I think.

Woman1:  Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think.  I
was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.

Woman2:  Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your neck!  Anything
to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1:  Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at my arms -
see how short they are?  If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much easier.

Men's version:
 ----------------------

Man2:    Haircut?
Man1:    Yeah.

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Date:    Fri, 13 Jun 1997 06:52:31 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Bill's New Mansion (clean)

        The Top 15 Surprises in Bill Gates's New Mansion

15> Sign over king-sized bed declares, "Use of the Words 'micro' and 'soft'
strictly prohibited while in bedroom."
14> No paintings, but live artists actually hanging on the wall.
13> Drawbridge is raised and lowered by hand.
12> Entire state of Rhode Island relocated to east wing.
11> Raises guinea pigs in his bedroom for extra cash.
10> No toilet paper, but handy stack of $100 bills.
 9> Secret passage in library leads to Nerdcave where Bill keeps the
Nerdmobile.
 8> Zima on tap.
 7> Kato Kaelin sleeping in a corner of the trampoline room.
 6> Tasteful and elegant 30,000 sq.ft. Hall of People Whose Businesses I
Have Personally and Single-Handedly Crushed.
 5> Basement shrine to Kelly Bundy.
 4> Hidden away in the attic: his beloved childhood calculator, Rosebud.
 3> Everywhere you look -- Women!
 2> With 27 bathrooms, there's never a need to ask, "Where do you want to
go today?"
 1> Replica of the Eiffel Tower in the garden -- wait a minute... that's no
replica!!

[ This list copyrighted by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
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[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.  To join a virtual campfire of story-
tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires,
e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org   Type "subscribe nerdnosh"
personal: capekid@bigfoot.com, capekid@hotmail.com, bmyers@iafrica.com

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Date:    Fri, 13 Jun 1997 14:51:22 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers <clean>

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and
need the delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the
farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be
delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence
as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the
seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the
boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go
to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to
you.
9. The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to
you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the
more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

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Date:    Fri, 13 Jun 1997 14:52:49 UT+0200
From:    Lize Lubbe <Lize.Lubbe@LUBBE.DYNAGEN.CO.ZA>
Subject: A Royal Fart

You can always trust a true Queen to get you off the hook when you
are faced with disaster.
John Aubrey, in his outrageous Brief Lives, tells the glorious story
of a fart in high places. It concerns Elizabeth I and one of her
courtiers, Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford.
'The Earl of Oxford, making of his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth,
happened to let a fart, at which he was so abashed and ashamed that
he went to Travell, seven years. On his return the Queen welcomed him
home, and said "my Lord, I had forgott the fart."'
- Gyles Brandreth: The Bedside Book of Great Sexual Disasters (1985)

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Date:    Fri, 13 Jun 1997 09:21:44 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Blonde joke

(I have permission to post twice today - whoo hoo!)

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.  Out
pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the
machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few
minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm
winning??"

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Date:    Fri, 13 Jun 1997 10:14:59 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Office Jargon (part 2 of 2)

          Can't keep up with the lingo? Check this out.

 By CONNIE KOENENN -  Copyright 1997 Los Angeles Times (who copied it it
from a book by Gareth Branwyn titled Jargon Watch.)

 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
"Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

 Geekosphere: The area surrounding one's computer, where little trinkets,
personal mementos, toys and monitor pets are displayed. The place where
computer geeks can show their "colors."

 In the Plastic Closet: Said about someone who refuses to admit to having
cosmetic surgery.

 I-Way: Short form of information superhighway.

 Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

 Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a big mistake.

 Open Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.

 Siliwood: Short for "Silicon Hollywood," the coming converge of movies,
interactive television and computer.

 Starter Marriages: Short-lived first marriages that end in divorce with no
kids, no property and no regrets.

 Tract Mansions: Large, expensive homes built in tractlike developments by
the nouveau riche.

 Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies at the workplace.

 Yuppie Food Coupons: The $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often
used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We each owe $8, but all
anybody's got is yuppie food coupons.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 To offer samples from your own jargon, e-mail Branwyn at jargon@wired.com.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Date:    Fri, 13 Jun 1997 12:34:33 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The Graham Cracker Boomerang Effect

The Role of the Graham Cracker in the Sexual Revolution of the Sixties

by Jim Mica ABD

I have recieved so much positive response to my posting about the Milk-a-dairy
Industrial Complex that I feel should go on to offer my thoughts on Graham
Crackers.

There actually was a guy name Graham, he lived in the 19th Century, his name
was Sylvester --The Rev. Sylvester if you please.  According to Bill Bryson's
seminal work "MADE IN AMERICA"  (New York: William Morrow, 1994) The Rev.
Graham:

        ...connected insanity with the eating of ketchup and mustard,
        and believed that the consumption of meat would result in the
        sort of hormonal boisterousness that leads men to take advantage
        of pliant women.  (Pg. 192)

To provide a healthful alternative to eating meat, The Rev. Graham invented
his cracker.

Fast forward to the 50s.  We boomers were fed milk and Graham crackers.  This
went on until we reached the upper grades and/or puberty.  Just at the point
where we were poised to attain "hormonal boisterousness" the government
(through the schools) no longer gave us Graham Crackers.

The result of this unleashed tide of hormones was the Sexual Revolution.  Oh
yes, THE PILL, may have played some small part in the scenerio as a catalyst,
but the removal of those Graham blockers was the source of the sea change.

The TRUTH is OUT THERE

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Date:    Fri, 13 Jun 1997 15:48:44 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Horse joke <shouldn't be offensive>

     One day, a Mexican was peacefully resting on a side road with his
     horse in the fields of the Texas valley.  Suddenly a man approaches
     him and inquires about the horse: "Hey, I'll give you $50 for your
     horse; sell it to me."  The Mexican replies "no, he no look so good."

     So the man keeps insisting for he has taken quite liking for the horse,
     "O.K. I'll give you $100 for the horse; I like it."  Again the Mexican
     replies, "no sir, he no look so good."

     The man really wants the horse so he offers the Mexican $200.  Finally
     the Mexican says, "O.K. but he no look so good."

     So the man mounts the horse and goes happily on his way.  Several
     minutes later the Mexican sees the man who bought the horse coming
     towards him all beaten up, with bruises and blood all over him.

     The man says: "why didn't you tell me that this horse was blind?"  To
     which the Mexican replies: "sir, I told you he no look so good!!"

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Date:    Fri, 13 Jun 1997 15:54:39 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: With Feeling <off. to blind people>

` James Thurber, a creat comic writer, who
   became blind, once said to a friend:

 "It's a a little awkward for a blind man; I
  couldn't truthly say it's been a long time
  since I SAW Dorris, but then on the other
  hand, it wouldn't sound right for me to say
  it's a long time since I FELT your wife."

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Date:    Fri, 13 Jun 1997 16:44:51 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Project Manager definitions


 If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
- ideal project manager

 If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
- somewhat less than ideal project manager

 If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
- somewhat misguided project manager

 If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
- A tough m. f. project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)

 If get kill in will way I you.
-dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager

 I am the way! Kill me if you can!
-messianic project manager

 Get away, I'll kill us all!
-suicidal project manager

 If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
-thoughtful but ineffective project manager

 If I kill you I'll get in your way.
-project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious

 If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
-project manager from New York

 I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get
killed.
-project manager who is about to get in big trouble

 If you kill me, so what?  If you get in my way, who cares?
-weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager

 If I kill me, you'll get your way.
-pragmatic project manager

 Kill me, it's the only way.
-every project manager to date.
____________________________________________
Antonio Oliveros Fernandez.
oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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Date:    Fri, 13 Jun 1997 20:12:41 EDT
From:    Donald E. Chesnel <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Bedtime story <sexual content>

One night, as a married couple are laying in bed, the husband reaches
over and starts rubbing his wife's body.  She turns over, looks at him
and says, "Not tonight, hon.  I have an appointment tomorrow morning with
my gynecologist and I want to stay "fresh" for that."

The husband rolls over, upset with this rejection.  A few minutes passes
by and he nudges his wife again.   He says, "Hon, you don't have a
dentist appointment tomorrow,  do you?"

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Date:    Fri, 13 Jun 1997 19:05:30 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: whats your order?

> A guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu.  After a few
>minutes,  the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy what he'd like.
>
> "I'd like a quickie".
>
The waitress blushes and says, "That's not funny, sir.  Now, what would
>you like to order?"
>
> "I'd really like a quickie".  The waitress slaps him hard and storms off
>angrily.
>
> Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says to
>the guy, "Um, I think that it's pronounced 'quiche'"

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Date:    Fri, 13 Jun 1997 23:09:29 -0500
From:    Ossama Alami <oalami@MNSINC.COM>
Subject: New Reasons for Not Going to Work

New Reasons for Not Going to Work

(from The Laugh Page - http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/LaughPage/)

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.

My stigmata's acting up.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet....

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power
source exactly elog (pi) on all the clocks in the house while
simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.
Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

_______________________________________________________________
Ossama O. Alami                   http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/
oalami@mnsinc.com                              ICQ UIN: 1020287
    "Life's full of mysteries. Consider this one of them."

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