Digest for Thursday, June 12, 1997

There are 14 messages totalling 601 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. A couples life
  2. Male Logic
  3. kids
  4. kiddie quotes (part 3) (G) (fwd)
  5. Eight Elephant Jokes
  6. Stupid people (clean, possibly offensive to people from Arkansas and anyone who still believes that the Hale-Bopp comet will take them to a better life)
  7. Barbies wed like to see
  8. A New Strategy for Dealing with Telemarketers
  9. some Yiddishe humor
  10. Questions of life
  11. Humor - Office Jargon (Part 1.)
  12. Signs the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty
  13. The battle. ( well, maybe a little too stupid joke )


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Date:    Thu, 12 Jun 1997 10:57:22 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: A couple's life

that's an old one but...
----------------------------------

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work:

- I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be 3 in this house
  instead of two.

The husband started glowing of happiness and kissing his wife:
- Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world.

But then she said:
- I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning my mother moves
  in with us.

ariel

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Date:    Thu, 12 Jun 1997 04:47:22 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Male Logic <adult humor>

*   "What time did you pull out this morning ?" asked the one bus driver
  of another, as they washed up at the terminal.
    "I didn't !"  said the other, shaking his head, his mind obviously
  elsewhere, "And I'm damned worried about it now."
                                - - - - -

*   The giant tackle had viciously slammed the Quarterback to the ground,
  right in front of the visitor's bench.  The opposing coach, choking
  back an expletive, gave him the finger.
    "See ?  What'd I tell ya ???" chortled the tackle to a teammate as
  they trotted to the huddle.  "We really are number one."
                                - - - - -

*   "Dad," said the boy, "we had a spelling contest in school today, and
  I missed on the very first word."
    "That's too bad Son." consoled the Father, "What was the word ?"
    "Posse."
    "Well, no wonder you couldn't spell it lunkhead.  You can't even
  pronounce it correctly."
                                - - - - -

*   The star salesman had included an item "$50 for girls" on his expense
  account.  The boss called him into his office and said "Look, I don't
  mind you enjoying yourself on these trips, especially when you're such
  a good producer.  But let's be a little more tactful.  List those kinds
  of expenses as being for hunting."
    The salesman's expense accounts thereafter included "$50 for hunting"
  on a regular basis.  That is until one month, a new entry read "$250
  for cleaning rifle."
                                - - - - -

*   A newly commissioned second Lieutenant discovered that he had no coins
  at all for the soda machine.  He asked a passing enlisted man if he had
  change for a dollar.  "I'm pretty sure I do, hang on a sec buddy."
    "Just a minute !" snapped the Lieutenant.  "That's no way to reply to
  an officer. Now let's try it again.  Soldier, do you have any change ?"
    The enlisted man came to attention, saluted, and said, "No sir !"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ?  Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html

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Date:    Thu, 12 Jun 1997 05:35:06 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: kids

Things I've Learned From  Children

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
    strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy
    underwear and a superman cape.

2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls
    of a 20 by 20 foot room.

3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's
   already too late.

4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
   36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes
   it does not leak - it explodes.

7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot
   house 4 inches deep.

8. LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old....

9. Super glue is forever.

10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
   can't walk on water.

12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

13. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
    show they do.

14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.{that durn  hamster...}

15. The fire department in Roseville has at least a 5 minute response time.

16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms
dizzy..

17. It will however make cats dizzy.

18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

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Date:    Thu, 12 Jun 1997 08:11:23 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: kiddie quotes (part 3) (G) (fwd)

  This message is in MIME format.  The first part should be readable text,
  while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools.
  Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info.

--simple boundary
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII
Content-ID: <Pine.SOL.3.93.970612080857.10684C@gwis2.circ.gwu.edu>

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of
people
voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
weekends. --Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote. --Age 10

Home is where the house is. --Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
--Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
--Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally--
but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they
appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's
right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell
Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia,
and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have
found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic
table.  I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with
wonder.  We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better have lost
the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just
a lawn mower. --Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water
for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population
gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there
was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
saved up. --Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood
would be right there. --Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you
had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest number
you could come up with! --Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
--Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet.  So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them,
right? --Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started. --Age 15



--simple boundary--

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Date:    Thu, 12 Jun 1997 09:38:18 EDT
From:    Matthew R Hirsch <hmatt@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Eight Elephant Jokes

How do you get down off a elephant?
   You don't, You get down off a duck.

 Why do elephants have trunks?
    Because they don't have glove compartments.

 Why do elephants have so many wrinkles?
    Have you ever tried to iron one?

What's the difference between an elephant and a yellow crayon?
   The color.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
   "Here come the elephants"

What did Jane say  when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
   "Here comes the yellow crayons" she didn't know her colors.

What do you feed a blue elephant for breakfast?
   Blue Elephant Puffs

What do you feed a pink elephant for breakfast?
   You tell the pink elephant to hold his breath until he turns blue and
then give him
   Blue Elephant Puffs

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Date:    Thu, 12 Jun 1997 10:16:42 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: <No subject given>

-- [ From: Russamer * EMC.Ver #2.5.02 ] --

-- NOTE, Message contains no text --

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Date:    Thu, 12 Jun 1997 10:46:54 EDT
From:    Katherine E. Cauthen <katiec@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Stupid people (clean,
         possibly offensive to people from Arkansas and anyone who still
         believes that the Hale-Bopp comet will take them to a better life)

A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and
while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman
sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently
sleeping.  When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman,
her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked
very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?"  The
woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains
in."  Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store
officials called the paramedics.  They had to break into the car because
the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had
bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit
canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud
explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she
reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was
her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold
her brains in!

            * So many stupid people, not enough comets. *

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Date:    Thu, 12 Jun 1997 15:27:59 -0400
From:    Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: Barbies we'd like to see

Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and
neck for genuflecting and praying, mini-rosary beads, a mini-bible, and
a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the
string on her back and she says nothing because she's taken a vow of
silence.

Admin Barbie: Works twenty-hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's
salary) and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that
actually runs the group.  Comes with mini-laptop.  Pull the string on
her back and she'll Schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace
the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a
move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.

Temp Barbie:  This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and
enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually
goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why
they bought her.  Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes
indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree.
Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past
five years' worth of US Tax Code revisions, which need to be collated.

Twelve-Step Barbie:  Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm
Barbie and I'm an alcoholic."  Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper
sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

Birkenstock Barbie:  Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
comfortable sandals.   Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie:  Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Blue-Collar Barbie:  Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch
pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for
women as compared to men.  Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may
be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in
order to make ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out,
comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and
detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about
their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way.  Also included: tiny
Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility.  Accessories such as
contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at  various stages
of development, and breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each
young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy
jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of
attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so," "Dang,
get outta my face," and "You go, girl."  Teaches girls not to take shit
from men and condescending White people.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Baywatch Barbie: The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers
of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no
surprise. After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with
flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts.

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Date:    Thu, 12 Jun 1997 16:07:30 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: A New Strategy for Dealing with Telemarketers

A New Response to Telemarketers: Ignorance
                               by Jim Mica

For once we were through with supper when the phone rang.  One of
the kids picked up the handset and said, "Hello."

After listening for a bit she said, "It's for you, dad."

I picked up the phone and it went something like this:

Telemarketer:  Hello Mr. Mica, how are you doing this evening.

Me: (Stunned because he'd pronounced the name correctly) Uh, OK.

T:  I'm Blah Blah with the Blah Blah Insurance Agency.  Now, I'm
not going to try to sell you insurance Mr. Mica.  I'm going to
try to save you some money instead.  Now, if you'll just give me
20 seconds and answer four simple questions I'll give you some
insurance quotes that will save you a great deal of money.

Me: Uh, OK.

T:  Right. Now, can you tell me who provides your home insurance?

Me: Well, I actually don't know the name of the agency.

T:  OK, uh, can you tell me who provides your car insurance?

Me: You know, I don't know that name either.

T:  silence

Me: Hello?  Are you still there?

T:  silence

Me: Hello?  Are you still there?

T:  silence

Me: Hello?  Are you still there?

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Date:    Thu, 12 Jun 1997 23:14:10 UT+0200
From:    Lize Lubbe <Lize.Lubbe@LUBBE.DYNAGEN.CO.ZA>
Subject: some Yiddishe humor

SCENE: Hurvitz's Restaurant

'Hello, friend!' Mr Blumberg sang out.
"I don't think I know you," said the stranger.
'We both ate here last night!'
'So?'
'I wouldn't of recognized you - except for the umbrella by your
side.'
'Ha!' snorted the stranger. 'last night I wasn't carrying this
umbrella.'
'I know,' said Blumberg. 'I was.'

- Leo Rosten: Hooray for Yiddish! (1982)

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Date:    Thu, 12 Jun 1997 18:27:47 EDT
From:    Donald E. Chesnel <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Questions of life

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
What does geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that if you transport something by car it is called shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on,
what happens?
If a 7-11is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are their locks on
the doors?
Why are their Interstates in Hawaii?
Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when it's against the law
to drink and drive?
Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?

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Date:    Thu, 12 Jun 1997 17:59:54 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Office Jargon (Part 1.)

          Can't keep up with the lingo? Check this out.

 By CONNIE KOENENN Copyright 1997 Los Angeles Times (who copied it it from
a book by Gareth Branwyn titled Jargon Watch.)
                              *-*-*

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

 Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down
anyone who doesn't obsessively work out.

 Chain Saw Consultants: Outside experts brought in to reduce the employee
head count (leaving the top brass with clean hands).

 Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

 Deboning: Removing stitched-in subscription cards and card stock ad pages
from a magazine to make it easier to read.

 Dilberted: To be exploited, oppressed and messed with by one's boss.

 Dot-Comify: The practice of "netifying" any word or phrase by adding .com
to the end of it (e.g., getalife.com).

 Elvis Year: The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the
dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

 Entrenched Transactors: Bank jargon for people who refuse to bank by ATM
or computer, thus wasting the bank's money/time on tellers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~
 To offer samples from your own jargon, e-mail Branwyn at jargon@wired.com.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~

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Date:    Thu, 12 Jun 1997 19:58:08 -0500
From:    Ossama Alami <oalami@MNSINC.COM>
Subject: Signs the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty

Signs the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty

(From The Laugh Page - http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/LaughPage/)

21: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner
    of warp coil now held up by phone book.
17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w". 16:
Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room. 15:
Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image
    from flickering.
14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling
    through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either
    side become too steep for crew to climb.
11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2
    people on board.
10: Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by
    ten thousand care bears.
 9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft
    macaroni and cheese.
 8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
 7: Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either
    stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
 6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in
    Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
 5: Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related
    problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing
    with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
 4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says
    "Pretty please with sugar on it".
 3: Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes
    and loses access to nude volleyball program.
 2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are
    exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
 1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

_______________________________________________________________
Ossama O. Alami                   http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/
oalami@mnsinc.com                              ICQ UIN: 1020287
    "Life's full of mysteries. Consider this one of them."

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Date:    Thu, 12 Jun 1997 22:13:09 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: The battle. ( well, maybe a little too stupid joke )

It's 1944, the Battle of the Bulge in Europe. An American squad has been
cut off behind enemy lines. They're surrounded. As night falls, a new
recruit finds the sergeant who's acting commander. "Sarge," he says, "I
don't know how it happened, but in the fighting today, I lost my rifle.
What do I do?"
The sergeant favors him with a few comments not fit for a polite mailing
list, then he looks around and finds an old broomstick. "OK," he says, "Any
German soldier who sticks his head up, you point this
at him and go 'bangity-bangity.'"
"That won't work!" replies the private, but the sergeant tells him to just
do it.
The private says, "Yeah, but what if we get to hand-to-hand combat?"
The sergeant looks around and finds a butter knife, and ties it to the end
of the broomstick. He says, "If the Germans come in close,
you go 'stabity-stabity' with this."
At sunrise the Germans attack in hordes. There's shouting and screaming and
shooting and dying going on all around. In the middle
of this chaos, the private stands up and starts going "bangity-bangity."
And it seems to be having some effect! So he goes "bangity-bangity,"
"bangity-bangity," "bangity-bangity-bangity." Well, he's just murdering the
Germans. He's mowing them down with that
broomstick. But still they keep coming. He goes "stabity-stabity" at the
ones who get close, and they start bleeding and dying all around.
Pretty soon, he's the only American left alive. There are piles of dead
bodies all around him. He shoots the last few Germans with his
broomstick, and an unearthly quiet settles on the battlefield. Then he
notices this one lone German soldier off in the distance, coming toward
him. The German isn't shooting at the American, just sort of shuffling
along straight for him. The American private lets him get within easy
broomstick range, then he goes "bangity-bangity." No effect.
"Bangity-bangity." Nothing. The German's still not shooting, he's sort of
mumbling to himself, still coming. When he gets close the American goes
"stabity-stabity," but that doesn't work either. The German walks right up
to the American, pushes him over, walks on top of him and keeps going. That
little ol' German crushes the hell out of the American just by stepping on
him. And as he's lying there, the life draining from his body, he can hear
the German heading away, mumbling "tankity-tankity."
___________________________________________
Antonio Oliveros Fernandez.
oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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