Digest for Wednesday, June 11, 1997

There are 13 messages totalling 582 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Justice
  2. Genie, Melrose (both clean), Carnival Date (innuendo)
  3. Giving is better than taking
  4. The Three Women
  5. IT IS A CONSPIRACY
  6. La Solterona
  7. CLEANLINESS
  8. Still a virgin after all these years (SLIGHT sexual content, offensive to lawyers, contractors, English profs, and psychiatrists)
  9. Humor - Its A Wacky World
  10. PHILOSPHIES TO GET YOU THROUGH THE DAY
  11. The Astronaut Pen
  12. Do you deserve to drive a Mercedes? (Possible offensive to Mercedes Benz Owners)
  13. Social Thinker


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Wed, 11 Jun 1997 03:22:15 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Justice

*   After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer
  reported to his client.  "Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a
  settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you."
    "Fair to both ?!?!?!" exploded Mrs. LaMay.  "I could have done that
  myself.  What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for ?"
                                - - - - -

* A Kentucky man sued his 14-year-old wife for divorce on the grounds
  that she acted immature.
                                - - - - -

*   A divorced Father was somewhat concerned about his son whom his
  ex-wife had custody of after a bitter divorce.  "How do you get along
  with your Step-Father ?" he asked the lad.
    "Fine." said the youngster.  "He takes me swimming every morning.
  We go out to the lake and he takes me out to the middle in his boat,
  and I swim back."
    "Isn't that a rather long swim for a boy your age ?" the Father
  asked, now somewhat more concerned.
    "Not too bad really." replied the lad.  "The only tough part is
  getting out of the burlap sack he puts me in."
                                - - - - -

* The Yuppette was totally irate that the policeman was writing her a
  ticket for going through a red light. "But I've stopped at a lot of
  green ones that I've never gotten credit for." she pleaded.
                                - - - - -

*   "Can you describe your assailant ?" the officer asked, as he helped
  the man up from the bar room floor.
    "That's exactly what I was doing when he hit me." the man replied.
                                - - - - -

* Suspect in a police station: "On the night of March 2, I was sitting
  right here telling you where I was on the night of February 18."
                                - - - - -

* FBI secretary to visitor: "He's not in just now, care to leave your
  fingerprints ?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ?  Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html

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Date:    Wed, 11 Jun 1997 07:58:12 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Genie, Melrose (both clean), Carnival Date (innuendo)

The Genie

     Two guys of limited intellegence were on a ship that sank in the
middle of the ocean.  They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a
box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface.  After
floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On
the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation,
they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.  As it drew
near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the
genies come in).
     They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.  "POOF" out popped a tired old
genie who said "ok..  so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda,
yadda.  But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now
and quite frankly, I'm burned out.  You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm
OUTTA here.  Make it a good one".
     The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all
the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!"
     "Fine" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into
beer.
     "Great move Einstein!"  said the second guy, slapping the first guy in
the head.  "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!"
--------------------
Lessons from Melrose Place (different than the recent post)

     *All women are size 6 or smaller.
     *There is only one bar in Los Angeles (Shooters).
     *All men are seducible if they are straight.
     *Gay couples rarely kiss..., and if they do it's reported by the major
networks.
     *No one ever dies from being sick/shot/blown-up once their picture
appears in the opening credits.
     *All physicians are also trained psychiatrists.
     *Most people will forgive you for trying to kill them (Michael tried
to kill Sydney, Sydney and Kimberly tried to kill Michael, Amanda and Bobby
Paresi, Peter tried to kill Amanda, Kimberly tried to kill the whole cast).
     *In medicine, you can work your way up the ladder from resident to
chief of staff in 2 seasons.
     *In advertising, you can work your way up the ladder from receptionist
to VP in 2 episodes.
     *You don't need to be legally sane to practice medicine.
     *You can be a god-awful fashion designer (Jane) and a Harvard MBA
(Richard) will still hire you.
     *If you crush your wrist in a waffle iron, you only need an ACE bandage.
     *When you are totally bald, it only takes a month to grow your hair
back to shoulder length.
     *When the highlight of your week is the "scenes for next week", it's
time to go out and get a life.
     *You can afford designer fashions on the salary of a receptionist at a
doctor's office.
     *You can fall off a ten-story building and emerge unscathed as long as
you fall on top of another body.
     *Once you sleep with one sibling, you'll sleep with every other
sibling (Jo/Jake/Jess, Michael/Sydney/Jane, Australian Guy/Sydney/Jane).
     *If a bomb explodes in a building, the only person to die will be the
person who has visited the building least often.
     *You can become a psychiatric resident at a major hospital within one
month after your release from a mental hospital.
     *Once a mother gives her baby up for adoption, she never thinks about
it again.
     *A lifetime of trauma over childhood sexual abuse can be cured not by
therapy, but by embarrassing your father at a barbecue.
     *There are no Latinos or Asians in Los Angeles.
     *Chemotherapy does not cause you to lose your hair if you let your
roots show after bleaching it.
     *Acting talent is not genetic; even if your sister is an Academy Award
nominee, you can still be the worst actor on television.
--------------------
Carnival Date

     A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts.  The boy
picks her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town.  They ride a few
rides, play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well.
During a sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says,
     "What do you want to do now?"
     "I want a weigh," she says.
     Well, OK, thinks the boy.  They walk over to the fortune scales, and
weigh her.  They play a few more games and stop for foods.
     "What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again.
     "I want a weigh," she says.
     Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it, thinks the boy.  Again
they get her weight and fortune. After yet another few games and an
exquisite fireworks show, the boy repeats,
     "What do you want to do now?"
     "I want a weigh," she says. Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird
for me.  They get her weight and fortune, and the boy drives her home.
     As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?"
     "Wousy," says the girl.

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.  To join a virtual campfire of story-
tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires,
e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org   Type "subscribe nerdnosh"
personal: capekid@bigfoot.com, capekid@hotmail.com, bmyers@iafrica.com

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Date:    Wed, 11 Jun 1997 14:02:30 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Giving is better than taking <no off>

A new Home for the Elderly will be opened in a few days. The last round of
fundraising in the neighbourhood.
A child rings the doorbell.
A little boy opens de door.
The little girl asks: Can you spare us something for the new Elderly Home
?'
After a little thought the youngster replies: 'Yeah, take my mother.'

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Date:    Wed, 11 Jun 1997 19:08:23 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Three Women <adult>

Three women are sitting in a bar talking about their love lives.

The first one says, "My husband is an architect.  When we make love it has
power, it has form, it has function.  It's incredible!"

The second one says, "My husband is an artist.  When we make love it has
passion, it has emotion, it has vision.  It's wonderful!"

The third woman sighs and sips her margarita, then says, "My husband works
for Microsoft.  When we make love, he just sits at the end of the bed and
tells me how great it's going to be when it gets here."

Chalapathi

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Date:    Wed, 11 Jun 1997 11:26:43 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR>  IT IS A CONSPIRACY

Ken Brousseau Sr.  recently sent in a news story about a milk-a-holic
who is sueing the milk industry.  (I've excerpted the story below)
*******************************************************************************

Date: Sat, 07 Jun 1997 10:33:44 -0600
From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
* Some would say that this is the mother of all no-brainers.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

       'Milk-A-Holic' Sues Dairy Industry, Claims Milk Is Addictive


 SEATTLE (AP) (c) -- A self-described milk-a-holic is suing the dairy
industry, claiming that a lifetime of drinking whole milk contributed to
his clogged arteries and a minor stroke.

 Norman Mayo, 61, believes he might have avoided his health problems if he
had been warned on milk cartons about fat and cholesterol.

                        ...
 "I'm pretty sure we would plead not guilty and suggest this is without
merit," said Blair Thompson, a spokesman for the Washington Dairy Products
Commission.
  Jon Ferguson, a lead counsel in the state's lawsuit against the tobacco
industry, said likening milk with tobacco was silly. Milk, he noted, is not
addictive.
*******************************************************************************
                            (End of excerpt)

        I, for one, wish I could be as sanguine about this situation as Ken,
Blair Thompson and Jon Ferguson are!  I am, instead, really deeply troubled
by it.

        When I was in Kindergarden --far below the legal age of consent-- I
was forced to consume WHOLE milk products by the government!  It used to be
delivered right to the classroom where we had to drink it along with those
Graham Cracker things --and don't get me started on them.  Now, this wasn't
even homogenized milk! That deadly cream was floating right there on the top
of it!  Now, I mentioned this to a contemporary (she's actually a much younger
contemporary, just to keep the record straight) and my contemporary, Monica,
says that her class got CHOCOLATE MILK!  Imagine that!  She was forced to
drink milk with cocoa powder in it, why that's practically the same as cocaine!

        Now I want every right-thinking American to think about this for a
moment or two.  This was WHOLE milk (and worse!) being forced upon children
well below the age of consent by the government, working in cahoots with the
Milkitary-Industrial Complex.  We were being indoctrinated in milk consumption
at the same time that we were being indoctrinated in consumerism and
anti-communism.  At the same time the government was exposing American
servicemen to deadly atomic radiation it was exposing us innocents to milk.

        If milk is supposed to be so good for you, why does it need marketing
boards and why do milk PUSHERS --let's be frank in our terminology here-- need
to foist all those celebrity ads on us?  You know the ones.  They show pop
culture icons sporting milk mustaches.  Have YOU ever seen an ad showing a pop
icon with celery bits about their person?  I think not.

        And another thing.  If milk is non-addictive, why are there drugs on
the market for people who are lactose intolerant?  One would think that, if
milk were non-addictive, anyone who couldn't digest the stuff wouldn't need to
try to digest the stuff.  Why would you put it inside you if it was gonna make
you sick?

        Oh, Damn, here come the Black Helecopters....

                 THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

                        Mulder, Skully, come save me...

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Date:    Wed, 11 Jun 1997 09:54:49 PDT
From:    Patricia Sanchez <pass@NETSPACE.COM.MX>
Subject: La Solterona <Sick humor>

This was an old single lady, never married, who lived with
her older widower father... fairly common in Mexico.

One time the father arrived home and was surprised about
hearing moans, sighs, etc... from his 'lit'l daughter'
bedroom. He looks into, and finds his daughter having the
great time with an electrical, AC powered dildo.

--What the hell are you doing??? --he asks, upset.
--You know, Dad, I never get married because you scared all
of few suitors, ten I had to take care of you... This is my
only entertainment, actually, this is my Husband!!!
The man walks out, confussed.
Couple of days later, the lady arrives home, from the mass.
She stops as she sees her Dad in the coach, enjoying a beer,
watching a soccer match and hugging the dildo with its cord
around his neck.
--What does this mean??? --she asks, shocked.
--It's only that I am enjoying a soccer evening with my
son in law.

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Date:    Wed, 11 Jun 1997 09:03:59 -0700
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: CLEANLINESS <Clean, of course>

  1st Man:  "Waiter, bring me a cup of tea!"
  2nd Man:  "Bring me a cup of tea too, and be
        sure the cup is clean."
  Waiter, bringing the tea: "Two cups of tea!
        And which of you ordered the clean cup?"

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Date:    Wed, 11 Jun 1997 12:05:19 EDT
From:    Katherine E. Cauthen <katiec@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Still a virgin after all these years (SLIGHT sexual content,
         offensive to lawyers, contractors, English profs, and psychiatrists)

Okay, a woman whose about to be married (for the fourth time) is
visiting her doctor. During the checkup he asks her about children,
saying she is getting older and shouldn't wait to long. She says she
hopes to have kids one day but she's still a virgin.  "A virgin?" the
doctor exclaims. "You've been married three times already. Surely you've
had sex?"  "No. My first husband was a psychiatrist. He wanted to analyze
it.  My second husband was an English professor. He wanted to write about
it.  My third husband was a contractor. He always said he'd get around to
it but never did. My next husbands a lawyer... I know I'll get screwed."

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Date:    Wed, 11 Jun 1997 11:27:25 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World

      Flight delayed 7 hours, after passenger reports seeing mouse

JERUSALEM (AP) (c) -- The Israeli airline El Al, known for its tight
security, delayed a flight for seven hours to deal with an unwanted
traveler: an alleged mouse.

 During a flight Monday from New York to Israel, a passenger told the crew
he had seen a mouse. When the plane reached Ben Gurion International
Airport near Tel Aviv, it was grounded as a search for the rodent got under
way.

 "The search was necessary for security reasons, because mice are known for
eating away at electrical wires," said El Al spokesman Nachman Klieman.

 The flight to New York finally took off Tuesday morning, seven hours late,
after no mice were found.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
She: "I'm sure I heard a mouse squeak."
He: "Well, do you want me to get up and oil it?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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Date:    Wed, 11 Jun 1997 13:27:39 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: PHILOSPHIES TO GET YOU THROUGH THE DAY

 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

 He who hesitates is probably right.

 Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

 No one is listening until you make a mistake.

 Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

 The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it

 The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
 research.

 To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
 principles.

 Two wrongs are only the beginning.

 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

 The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
 train

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Date:    Wed, 11 Jun 1997 20:28:30 -0500
From:    Ossama Alami <oalami@MNSINC.COM>
Subject: The Astronaut Pen

The Astronaut Pen

>From The Laugh Page Archives
http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/LaughPage/

During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the
U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed
a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space
capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut
Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1 million U.S. The pen
worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back
here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a
pencil.

_______________________________________________________________
Ossama O. Alami                   http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/
oalami@mnsinc.com                              ICQ UIN: 1020287
    "Life's full of mysteries. Consider this one of them."

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Date:    Wed, 11 Jun 1997 20:11:27 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Do you deserve to drive a Mercedes? (Possible offensive to Mercedes
         Benz Owners)

Mercedes Benz Driving Test


1.      Before changing lanes you should: (A) signal. (B) check. (C) both a & b.
(D) just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.
2.      The top light on a traffic signal is: (A) red. (B) yellow. (C) green.
(D) Who cares, it doesn't apply to me anyway.
3.      The speed limit in a residential area is: (A) 35 MPH. (B) 25 MPH. (C) 45
MPH. (D) I paid $65,000 for this car, I'll drive as fast as I want.
4.      In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should: (A)
slow to a walking pace. (B) go around the block. (C) stop. (D) speed up and
honk your horn.
5.      In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you
should: (A) maintain your speed. (B) slow a little. (C) slow a lot. (D)
speed up and don't bother honking your horn.
6.      Your may make a left turn from the right lane: (A) never. (B) when there
is a left turn arrow. (C) on Sunday at 2 A.M. (D) When ever you damn well
feel like it.
7.      When a school bus has flashing red lights, you: (A) must stop. (B) may
pass on the left after checking. (C) may pass after slowing to 5 MPH. (D)
use your car phone to order chinese food while passing on the left.
8.      When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should: (A) pull to the
right and stop. (B) pull into the nearest car wash. (C) roll down your
windows. (D) turn up the radio and ignore it.
9.      You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station: (A) never. (B) when
the doors are closed. (C) if there are no police around. (D) when you have
missed your turn.
10.     When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should:
(A) relax. (B) watch the signal. (C) stop a safe distance back from the car
in front. (D) call your wife/secretary on your car phone so everyone can
see that your have a car phone.
11.     When turning onto a side street, you should signal: (A) two blocks
before turning. (B) two car lengths before turning. (C) two miles before
turning. (D) what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I'll sue him.
12.     A U-turn in a business district is legal: (A) only at an intersection.
(B) always. (C) never. (D) if I pass a sale at the jewelers.
13.     Parking in a red-zone is permitted: (A) never. (B) on Sunday. (C) if
there is a fire hydrant. (D) when I'll only be there for five minutes.
14.     What is your annual gross income: (A) $10,000-20,000. (B)
$20,000-40,000. (C) $40,000-80,000. (D) $80,000 and up.






Scoring

If you answered 'd' on every question, you have a perfect score. You are
certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automobile. You may, at your discretion,
proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select the
Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.

If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request a
retest in two weeks time. Please study the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle
guide in preparation for your retest.

If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we're sorry, you
just don't have the proper attitude to be a Mercedes Benz Automobile
driver. Perhaps you should consider a BMW.

Thank you for your interest in Mercedes Benz Automobiles.

____________________________________________
Antonio Oliveros Fernandez.
oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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Date:    Wed, 11 Jun 1997 22:17:54 -0500
From:    Tim J Nafziger <tnafziger@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Social Thinker

      It started out innocently enough.  I began to think at parties now
and
      then to loosen up.  Inevitably though, one thought led to another,
and
      soon I was more than just a social thinker.

      I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it
      wasn't true.  Thinking became more and more important to me, and
      finally I was thinking all the time.

      I began to think on the job.  I knew that thinking and employment
      don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

      I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and
      Kafka.  I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,
      "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

      Things weren't going so great at home either.  One evening I had
      turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She
      spent that night at her mother's.

      I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.  One day the boss
called
      me in.  He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this,
but
      your thinking has become a real problem.  If you don't stop
thinking on
      the job, you'll have to find another job."  This gave me a lot to
think about.

      I came home early after my conversation with the boss.  "Honey, " I

      confessed, "I've been thinking..."

      "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

      "But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

      "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.  "You think as much
as
      college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so
if
      you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

      "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to
cry.

      I'd had enough.  "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped

      out the door.

      I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a
PBS
      station on the radio.  I roared into the parking lot and ran up to
the
      big glass doors...  they didn't open.  The library was closed.

      To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me
that
      night.

      As I sankto the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering
for
      Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.  "Friend, is heavy thinking
      ruining your life?"  it asked.  You probably recognize that line.
It
      comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

      Which is why I am what I am today:  a recovering thinker.  I never
      miss a TA meeting.  At each meeting we watch a non-educational
video;
      last week it was "Porky's."  Then we share experiences about how we

      avoided thinking since the last meeting.

      I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.  Life
just
      seemed...  easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.


Cheers,

Mark.
(Mark Byler, Champaign, IL)

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