Digest for Monday, June 09, 1997

There are 8 messages totalling 202 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. A True Story...
  2. Mental Health
  3. The Diagonosis
  4. Clintons Simplified Tax Form
  5. HUMOR: Offensive to W.Va......
  6. The Confessional ("f" word)
  7. Bull Story (Sexual content)
  8. Womens Place


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Date:    Mon, 9 Jun 1997 02:04:25 EDT
From:    Lee Wolfle <WOLFLE@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject: A True Story...

   When my 91-year-old father was a boy in Bremerton, Washington,
he took a job delivering the Sunday newspaper.  For delivering
the paper he would collect 7 cents from each customer.  The
first day on the job, one man paid Dad a dime, and told him to
keep the change.  Three cents may not seem like much, but it
was nearly a 50 percent tip.
   The next week, Dad sold the same man another paper, and was
handed 4 cents.  Dad look puzzled, and objected.  The man told
him that he had paid the other 3 cents the week before.


Lee Wolfle
 wolfle@vtvm1.cc.vt.edu
`

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Date:    Mon, 9 Jun 1997 03:55:04 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Mental Health

* Don't get me wrong now, I'm all for progress.  I'm just not all that
  sure about some of the ads the medical profession puts in the paper:
                          Dr. Maynard Benchley
                               Psychiatrist
                    Positive Results within one year
              Satisfaction Guaranteed or your mania back
                                - - - - -

* I have this young friend, a medical student, who's also hot and heavy
  into computers.  He developed software which he claimed would scan
  anything and play back a tune.  Thinking to throw him a curve, I went
  to his house with my latest EKG tracings.  Imagine my dismay, when upon
  being scanned, his surround-sound system played quite a moving version
  of "Nearer My God to Thee" from my cardiac rhythms.
                                - - - - -

* And kids these days, they grow up too quickly and know entirely too much
  too soon.  I mean this one friend of mine was trying to get his boy into
  Nursery Rhymes.  All that happened was that the boy told his shrink that
  his Father had a lot of problems, including a fixation that a cow could
  orbit the moon.
                                - - - - -

* A Yuppette and her hubby ran into her psychiatrist while waiting to be
  seated at a restaurant.  "Doctor," she said, "I'd like you to meet my
  husband.  One of the many men in my life I've been telling you about."
                                - - - - -

* Members toasting the guest of honor at Psychoanalysis' Society dinner:
  "For he's an adequate fellow...  For he's an adequate fellow..."
                                - - - - -

* Psychiatrist to voluptuous blonde patient leaving office.  "That about
  winds things up.  Any inhibitions you have left, you're gonna need."
                                - - - - -

* A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.
  A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it !

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ?  Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html

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Date:    Mon, 9 Jun 1997 17:57:50 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Diagonosis <adult>

  After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his
  doctor that they were expecting a baby.

  "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor.  "An absent-minded fellow
  went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella.
  Suddenly a bear charged him.  Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he
  shot and killed it on the spot."

  "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed.  "Somebody else must have shot that
  bear."

  "Exactly," replied the doctor.

  Chalapathi

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Date:    Mon, 9 Jun 1997 08:51:07 -0400
From:    Doug Bunch <dougb@USIT.NET>
Subject: Clinton's Simplified Tax Form

Clinton's Simplified Tax Form

Part 1.  Income

1. How much money did you make last year?...>_________

2. Send it in...............................>_________

3. If you have any questions or comments, please write
   them on the provided line > __

Doug Bunch

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Date:    Mon, 9 Jun 1997 09:41:13 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: HUMOR: Offensive to W.Va......

Did you hear about the terrible tragedy in West Virginia this
weekend?......


The governors mansion burned.........all the way down to the wheels!

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Date:    Mon, 9 Jun 1997 09:40:18 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Confessional ("f" word)

 This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have
 sinned."  The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the
 man replies that he used the  "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says,
 "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.

 The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the
 "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I
 played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The
 priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied,
 "No, that wasn't why I swore.  On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive
 well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

 The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions,
 "No, it wasn't.  When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a
 lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could
 hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a
 tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man
 replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in
 it's sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and
 queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the
 eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball
 and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

 The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the  fucking putt!!!"

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Date:    Mon, 9 Jun 1997 09:52:05 -0700
From:    Michael J. Irvin <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Bull Story (Sexual content)

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in
cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching
the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business
on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and
figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be
doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."

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Date:    Mon, 9 Jun 1997 10:21:36 -0700
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Women's Place <slightly offensive to women>

     In the early 60's an American reporter going
around pre-war Vietnam was surprised to see a
peasant riding a donkey while his wife, loaded
down with bundles, trudged several yards behind.
Shocked at this lack of chivalry, the American
approached the Vietnamese and asked, "Aren't
you ashamed to ride this donkey while your poor
wife walks behind carrying all those goods?"
     "Tradition!" said the Vietnamese, holding up
an admonitory finger; "Tradition!"
     Came the Vietnam war, and the reporter was
back again as a war correspondent of his New
York newspaper.
     Walking along a village road one evening he
came across the same peasant he had met a few
years earlier.  While the man was still riding
his donkey, this time his wife walked several
yards in front.
     "I thought tradition demanded that your wife
should be walking behind you," said the
American.  "Why the change?"
     And the Vietnamese replied with a shrug,
"Land mines!"

                                         Amita Asayesekera

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