Digest for Friday, June 06, 1997

There are 10 messages totalling 432 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. College Daze
  2. Dear Abby (clean, part 1/2)
  3. Doctors, Part 2
  4. What was Jesus?
  5. Melrose Place
  6. Language Precision...
  7. Civil War ( may be offensive to yankees!)
  8. Embarrassment
  9. youre not in college anymore
  10. Poem,


Date:    Fri, 6 Jun 1997 02:27:10 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: College Daze <adult humor>

*   Lots of things go on during "Spring Break" as the college students
  let off a little steam.  This one student was arrested for indecent
  exposure in a field near the beach, and was appearing before a Judge.
    "I plead not guilty your honor, I only went there to get relieved."
  he testified.
    "Well, I'm inclined to accept your explanation." said the Judge.
  "I guess some allowances must be made for 'emergencies'."
    "That's true to a point, your Honor." said the arresting officer.
  "But what about this young lady here who relieved him ?"
                                - - - - -

*   The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course
  problems, but seemed to be only half paying attention to his replies.
  "Are you feeling OK ?" he asked.
    "Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every
  man I meet." she admitted.  "Is there a name for my condition ?"
    "Why yes, there is." he said, as he picked her up and began carrying
  her to the couch.  "It's called 'Good News'."
                                - - - - -

*   "I just can't find the cause for your illness," said the internist
  at the college clinic.  "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
    "That's OK Doc.  I understand." replied the student. "I'll come back
  when you're sober."
                                - - - - -

*   The dazzling coed sat perched on her stool, at the local hangout, as
  the young man sat beside her.  Following the usual 'small talk', he
  made his move.  "Tell me, would you sleep with a total stranger for a
  million dollars ?"
    "Well, yes, I guess I would." she replied.
    "Would you sleep with me for ten dollars ?" he went on.
    "Ten Dollars ???  What kind of girl do you think I am ?" she huffed.
    "We've already established that." he shot back.  "All we're doing
  now is haggling over the price."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ?  Visit me @

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Date:    Fri, 6 Jun 1997 05:11:35 -0400
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Dear Abby (clean, part 1/2)

<barbarak@unllib.unl.edu> and <WMWICAP@aries.76products.com> graciously
point out that the 'Girlfriend Catalog' material in my post of yesterday
belongs to Matt Groening (creator of the Simpson's), and comes from his
publication 'Love is Hell'.  Apologies for any confusion as to rightful
origin.  Now for today's stuff!
DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.   One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in  her
mid-twenties.  These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a
man go into  their apartment or come out. Do you think  they could be
Lebanese?  -- CURIOUS

I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure
this baby I'm carrying is his. I am a 23-year-old
liberated woman who has been on  the pill for two years. It's getting
expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't
know him well enough to discuss money with him.

I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted
him with the evidence he denied everything and said it
would never happen again.

Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a
good Christian home turn against his own?

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do  I get out?

My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week
for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one
night he came home sober.

Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?  I
tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her
mental pause.

I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer.

Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send
him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he
is a doctor.

This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my  husband said "I
Will" he knew very well he couldn't.

DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each
other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never
mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can
get?  -- GERTIE
DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?

DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my
own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I  spend. Meanwhile he
has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get
some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He
says he's saving for a rainy day.  -- FORTY YEARS HITCHED
DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!
Thanx to Tuesday Kirsten via GEOFF'S JOKE LIST.
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.  To join a virtual campfire of story-
tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires,
e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org   Type "subscribe nerdnosh"
personal: capekid@bigfoot.com, capekid@hotmail.com, bmyers@iafrica.com

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Date:    Fri, 6 Jun 1997 12:04:01 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Doctors, Part 2 <may be off. to Doctors, but not meant to>

What the Doctor says
What the Doctor REALLY means

"I haven't the faintest idea of what to do, but I'm trying to appear
thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt."

 "We have some good news and some bad news."
"The good news is that I'm going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is
that you're going to pay for it."

 "Let me schedule you for some tests."
"I have a 40% interest in the lab."

 "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
"He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune."

 "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you as a guinea pig."

 "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"I don't know what the hell it is.  Maybe it will go away by itself."

 "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"I think I'm going to throw up."

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Date:    Fri, 6 Jun 1997 07:14:31 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: What was Jesus?


           1. He went into his father's business
           2. He lived at home until the age of 33
           3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
              and his mother was sure he was God


           1. He never got married.
           2. He never held a steady job
           3. His last request was a drink.


           1. His first name was Jesus
           2. He was always in trouble with the law
           3. His mother did not know who his father was


           1. He talked with his hands
           2. He had wine with every meal
           3. He worked in the building trades


           1. He called everybody brother
           2. He had no permanent address
           3. Nobody would hire him


           1. He never cut his hair
           2. He walked around barefoot
           3. He invented a new religion

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Date:    Fri, 6 Jun 1997 09:41:38 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Melrose Place

This list was sent to me with no other info.  Enjoy.

Lessons I learned from Melrose Place

1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week,
   sleep with whomever you want.  After all, you can't be expected
   to wait around forever.

2. Never sleep with your boss or co-worker.  Just kidding.  You
   should do both, often.

3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build
   a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large
   glasses of straight vodka.

4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the
   face, really hard.

5. Pretend you're pregnant.

6. Feeling a little insecure?  Buy a gun!

7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce.  If divorce isn't
   convenient, fake your own death.

8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.

9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit.  Just kidding!
   Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.

10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be
    sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.

11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking...
    or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from
    it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.

12. Don't get too close to people in comas.  Sometimes they wake
    up and try to choke you.

13. If you get fired, get drunk.

14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."

15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off
    your shirt and do it by the pool.

16. Randomly insult the people around you.

17. Parents will be parents.  Sometimes they'll nag.  Sometimes
    they'll be judgemental.  Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable
    insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily

18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even
    better job at twice the salary.

19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked
    you better. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of

20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career
    doesn't mean that you can't car-pool to work with him.

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Date:    Fri, 6 Jun 1997 09:49:16 EDT
From:    Lee Wolfle <WOLFLE@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject: Language Precision...

   An English professor recently visited a local restaurant in
Blacksburg, Virginia, and with his precise use of the language
ordered, "Strawberries and cream,"  from the local waitress.
   The waitress soon brought a dish of strawberries covered
with cream.
   "I ordered strawberries AND cream,"  the professor
   "But they are,"  the waitress protested.
   "This is strawberries WITH cream,"  the professor corrected.
   "But I don't see . . ."  she said bewildered.
   "Miss,"  the professor replied, "would you say a woman and
child were the same as a woman with child?"

Lee Wolfle

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Date:    Fri, 6 Jun 1997 10:12:34 EDT
From:    Chris Dooley <chris_dooley@COKER.EDU>
Subject: Civil War ( may be offensive to yankees!)

Well the civil war has finally ended and a confederate soldier gets on a
train to go home.  While on the train he spots this beautiful little
southern belle and decides to go talk to her.  Just then he sees a yankee
carpetbagger come get on the train and sit right next to her.  Well, the
carpetbagger starts asking the girl for sexual favors.   The southern
belle pays the carpetbagger no attention.  Finally the carpetbegger offers
the woman $2.00 to give hime sexual favors. The confederate soldier is
sitting back watching all this and finally he can take more so her gets up
and shoots the carpetbagger right between the eyes.  The confederate
soldier then looks at the southern belle and says, "they freed the
negroes, they won the war, but I'll be damned if they are going to start
raising prices!"

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Date:    Fri, 6 Jun 1997 08:21:54 -0700
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Embarrassment <clean>

  Ade's Reminder: A bird in the hand may be
  worth two in the bush, but remember that a
  bird in the hand is a positive embarrassment
  to one not in the poultry business.

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Date:    Fri, 6 Jun 1997 16:37:48 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: you're not in college anymore

The First Realizations That You're Not In College Anymore
You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.

Your parents charge rent.

Your parents walk in on you having sex, not your roommate.

The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.

It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.

Three words:  School Loan Payments.

You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream

You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.

Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the
hospital by game's end.

THEN, discussing with your friends:  GPA's, phone rates and tonsil
hockey;  NOW:  IRA's, Interest rates and their kid's orthodontia.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.

Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of

Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now
remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN
Sportscenter and MTV News.

Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.

You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while
taking classes.

You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

You empathize with the characters from 'Friends".


Football "season tickets" go FROM $75 for the season with dozens of
friends TO $750 for the season with the three other guys who want to
get away from the family.

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down
the same as I used to'.

You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega.

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Date:    Sat, 7 Jun 1997 00:04:22 -0400
From:    David Burns <HumorBurns@AOL.COM>
Subject: Poem,   <Adult>

       The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated
for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as
snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go."  She
explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed
to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go"
to "the lamb went with her."

          A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or
prose.  Johnny raised his hand and recited,  "Mary had a little pig,
an ornery little runt/He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and
smelled her little--" He stopped and asked the teacher if she
wanted poetry or prose.

          "Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

          So Johnny said, "Asshole."

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