Digest for Thursday, November 28, 1996

There are 13 messages totalling 486 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Modern art (poss. offensive to Indians)
  2. Parenthood
  3. Is Your Job Secure ?
  4. Wooden heads
  5. CLINTON JOKES#3
  6. Three cokerils...
  7. Letter To God
  8. You May Be an Engineer if -- (Part 4)
  9. Law on the March
  10. In The News - Deceased turkeys, Newt Gingrich
  11. humour-European English (not off.)
  12. "My son is better than yours!" (off to gays,sick)


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Date:    Thu, 28 Nov 1996 08:29:47 GMT+1
From:    Mark Mostert 08-707 4886 <MMT@HK.MOBITEL.TELIA.SE>
Subject: Modern art (poss. offensive to Indians)

While preparing for the quinticentenial celebrations for General Custer's
last stand at Little Big-Horn, the committee turned to a very big modern
artist in New York, and asked him to make a painting for the occasion.
 Anyway, after some three months, and several hundreds of thousands of
dollars, came the big moment.  A whole lot of people gathered in a huge
hall, with the media, politicians, and everyone who is anyone.

Camera clicking, the microphones turning here and there....

Then came the moment of revealing the picture.  The artist takes off the
cover, and everybody, but EVERYBODY, falls silent.  The cameras stop
clicking, and everyone is in total shock.  In the middle of the picture,
with a halo over its head, stands a huge cow.  Around it, depicted in
detail, are hundreds of couples of indians copulating.

Well, after a few seconds a newspaperman stands up and asks the artist,
hesitantly: "Excuse me, but can you enlighten those of us who are ignorant
in the ways of modern art and explain the picture?"

"OK", says the artist.  "I was thinking to myself, about Custer climbing
that hill, and beholding all the indians waiting for him there, and I told
myself that probably the first thing that came into his mind was: "Holy Cow,
look at all those f---ing indians!"

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Date:    Thu, 28 Nov 1996 10:22:36 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Parenthood

A young American Indian goes up to his father Wild Wind and asks
him, "Father, why is my sister called Riding Horse?"
"Because, my son, she was conceived while we were riding a horse."
The boy considers this for a moment and then asks, "Father, why is
my brother called Fearless Snake?"
"Because he was conceived just after your mother and I had stopped
running from an angry snake, my son."
Then the father looks at the boy and says: "Do you have any more
questions, Ripped Rubber?"
------------------------
I have a rock garden.  Last week, three of them died.

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Date:    Thu, 28 Nov 1996 08:30:03 GMT
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Is Your Job Secure ?

      I just knew I was in big trouble at work when:

* the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

* the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

* my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."

* I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

* my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-18 last weekend.

* the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

* the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

* I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

* my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

* my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."

* three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.

* the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

* a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

* the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.

                                * * * * *

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Date:    Thu, 28 Nov 1996 05:49:09 -0500
From:    VAN ZYL JA <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: <Sick>

Altough it had been going on for some time;Basil never
did anything about it.Then one day he developed excru-
ciating rectal pain;so he made an appointment with a
proctologist.Thoroughly distraught,Basil lay on the
examining table as the doctor examined his anus.
"In all my years of practice,I've never seen any-
thing like this!"declared the doctor."You've got a
flower up your rectum!"
"Ooh,my!"gasped Basil."Look and see if there's a
card!"

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Date:    Thu, 28 Nov 1996 06:42:26 EST
From:    Gareth Clark <madcow@NATWEST.E-MAIL.COM>
Subject: Wooden heads

Q:  What do you call a man with a wooden head?
A:  Edward.

Q:  What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
A:  Edward Woodward.

Q:  What do you call a man with four wooden heads?
A:  I don't know, but Edward Woodward would!

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Date:    Thu, 28 Nov 1996 09:19:54 -0400
From:    Jeffrey Reid Baker <jeffbaker@JRB-CD.COM>
Subject: CLINTON  JOKES#3 <Offensive to Democrats,Liberals,&Liars>

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

BILL CLINTON  JOKES (Part 3 of 20)
---------------------------------------------

While jogging one day, Bill Clinton came upon a homeless man lying in
the road. Realizing the cameras were on him and not wanting to seem
uncaring, he walked over to the stinking bum and said "Pleased to meet
you".
"Oh, my god" said the bum.  "You're the president. I've heard a lot
about you."
Bill Clinton replies, "Oh yeah. You'll never prove any of it!"

     <-------->

Bumper Sticker:
2 terms for Clinton:  One in office. One in jail.

     <-------->

Bumper Sticker:
At least Gennifer got kissed, too!

     <-------->

How many members of the Clinton Administration does it take to grease a
car?
Only one if you hit 'em right.

     <-------->

NEWS FLASH!
There are more Republicans running for president than there are
Democrats left in Congress.

     <-------->

Do you know why Democrats in congress didn't seem enthused during the
1994 mid-term elections?
Because after 40 years of being in control, they knew there was nothing
left for them to steal.

     <-------->

Why is the democratic party like granola?
Cause once you get passed all the fruits and the nuts, all you have left
is the flakes!

     <-------->

News Flash!
        While the President was jogging this morning, an irate citizen threw a
can of beer at him.
        But he wasn't hurt. It was a draft beer, so he was able to dodge it.

     <-------->

ALERT!
The dollar bill is going to be phased out.  In order to provide for
small change and simultaneously acknowledge Bill Clinton's contributions
to our military, it will be replaced with the Three-Dollar Bill.

------------------------------------------------------
--- The measure of a man's character  ---
---   is what he would be if he knew      ---
---    he would never be found out.        ---
-------------------------------------------------------
Jokes excerpted from:
THE COMPLETE BUT TACKY
     BILL CLINTON
JOKE AND ACTIVITY BOOK
(c)1996 JeRBil, Inc. Of New York

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Date:    Sat, 28 Nov 0105 15:23:47 PST
From:    Rupinder Bedi <rup@BCOLL.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Three cokerils...<suggestive, off to gays>

There's three cockerils perched on a fence. One is normal, one is dyslexic
and the other one is gay.
The sun rises in the morning and each bird is ready to make its call.
The normal cock shouts"COCK A DOODLE DOO!"
The dyslexic cock shouts"OODLE COCK A DOCK!"
The gay cock shouts "ANY COCK'LL DOO!!!"

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Date:    Thu, 28 Nov 1996 09:31:31 -0500
From:    Skip Johnstone <GSkipJ@AOL.COM>
Subject: Letter To God

A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to
"God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter,
opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father
is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister.  Would you
please send us $500?"

The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers
and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They
were able to raise $300.

A couple of weeks later they received a second letter.  The boy thanked God
but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to
us?  If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."

Cheers, Da Jester!!

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Date:    Thu, 28 Nov 1996 10:04:00 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: You May Be an Engineer if --  (Part 4)

From a friend -- author unknown.

         You May Be an Engineer if...

If you truly believe aliens are living among us

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

If you see a good design and still have to change it

If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters
your mind

If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember
where they are

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal

If you have more toys than your kids

If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they
work

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

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Date:    Thu, 28 Nov 1996 11:13:41 -0500
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March

How Many Deaths Will It Take
before the Madness Ends?

Poultry-rights demonstrators couldn't get a permit to demonstrate outside
Maryland's Maple Lawn Farms, which sells fresh-killed turkeys for the
Thanksgiving meal. But that hitch didn't stop United Poultry Concerns from
raising consciousness about "violence and the massacre of birds." What
particularly offends UPC's president, Karen Davis, is "the mockery of
turkeys," which she calls "a pathological need to ridicule the centerpiece
victim." Speaking outside her "sanctuary," a pen at her home that harbors 32
chickens and two turkeys, Davis noted, "There's a lot of violence underlying
Thanksgiving."

Source: Reuters
------------------------

Murder, Rape and Robbery . . .
Is That Such a Crime?

Police can't understand how they failed to discover the criminal record of
Eben J. Hoyt before they cleared the accused child molester to drive a school
bus. Police say that Hoyt, smelling of booze, reached under an eight-year-old
girl's dress and squeezed her thigh before she jumped off the bus and ran
home. At the bus company's request, the Methuen, MA police ran a background
check on Hoyt, which  came back clean. The police didn't notice that, on
various occasions, Hoyt stabbed a man to death, was convicted of receiving
stolen property, was indicted for statutory rape, and was also convicted of
drunk driving and driving to endanger. "Nobody understands how this could
happen," said Methuen Police Lt. Joseph E. Solomon.

Source: Lawrence Eagle-Tribune

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Date:    Thu, 28 Nov 1996 11:22:56 -0800
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Deceased turkeys, Newt Gingrich

In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times

WARNING - May be offensive to the National Park Service (US), aging
astronauts, The Environmental Protection Agency (US again), British
Royalty, men, women, children, teenagers, anonymous lovers at motels,
airline food preparers.

First off, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! Before it's too late, check
your turkey. You may have a bad one if it's still wearing a toe tag
that says "Do not resuscitate".

Rains have been so heavy in the Pacific Northwest, that the state
flower of Oregon has been changed - to kelp.

After heavy lobbying by comedians, House Republicans have voted to keep
Newt Gingrich.

A global study reveals that US students are extremely weak in math. The
research shows that most teenagers can't even count their blessings.
The good news is, at least they're assured a job with the National Park
Service.

You may remember last week I reported that the space shuttle Columbia
has a 61 year old astronaut aboard. Some of his stories are starting to
annoy the younger crew members. Like, "When I was your age, we had to
mix our own Tang."

The Environmental Protection Agency has announced new, stricter air
quality standards. When the air reaches a density deemed to be harmful
to health, officials will attach a warning sign to it.

Doctors say strep throat can trigger obsessive behavior in children,
causing them to do things like continuously wash their hands, clean
their rooms or even comb their hair. Apparently, this is a rare
affliction.

Disney's remake of "101 Dalmatians" premiered Sunday in Hollywood.
Glenn Close, Jeff Daniels and several Dalmatians were there. It used to
be when walking in fronts of a Hollywood theater, all you had to worry
about stepping in was wet cement.

The Dutchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, is the newest spokesperson for
Weight Watchers. She's inspired several new slogans, such as "We lost
an empire - what's a few pounds?"

Young people are taking a new designer drug that causes a brief sense
of euphoria, followed by a lapse into a coma. Boys, if you want THAT
feeling... just get married...

Major airlines say they were defrauded by a caterer. Instead of
in-flight meals, he delivered trays of fresh, tasty, edible food.

Researchers say estrogen can dramatically improve the memories of
women. They hope it can do the same for men, but caution that male
patients who take estrogen will probably only remember to leave the
toilet seat down.

Catholics in Ireland can now phone in the confessions at $1.50 a
minute. The new service even provides "sin waiting" for callers who
get a busy signal.

CBS has canceled its series "Mr. and Mrs. Smith". For viewers who miss
the couple, they will be appearing nightly at motels all across the
nation.

To please the neighbors, an Atlanta company disguised a cellular phone
antenna tower as a tree. No one knew the "tree" was wired until a
woodpecker was shocked by an excessive long distance charge.

Both Universal and Fox are about to release volcano movies. One's a
disaster file, the other is a touching lava story.

And finally, a new discovery of a human jaw and some tools sheds new
light on early man. Although man's jaw has evolved, his obsession with
tools has not.

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Date:    Thu, 28 Nov 1996 14:24:10 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: humour-European English (not off.)

 Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the
 European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of
 improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

 European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
 unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and
 thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to
 iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
 administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

 In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
 instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
 resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
 sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
 konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be
 made with one less letter.

 There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was
 announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
 This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

 In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
 to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.
 Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have
 always been a deterent to akurate speling.

 We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
 disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ as
 though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the
 skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th'
 by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh
 is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be
 dropd from vords kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid
 to ozer kombinations of leters.

 Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
 riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
 evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt
 vud finali hav kum tru.

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Date:    Thu, 28 Nov 1996 19:50:33 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: "My son is better than yours!" (off to gays,sick)

     My Son is Better Than Yours

     These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning.  One  is
     detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their
     children while walking to the first tee.

     "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the
     home-building  industry.  He began as a carpenter, but now owns his
     own design and construction  firm.  He's so successful in fact, in
     the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as
     a gift."

     The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his
     career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
     "He's so
     successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two
     brand new cars as a gift."

     The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock
     brokerage. And
     in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock
     portfolio as
     a gift.

     As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that
     they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son
     is in. "To
     tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned
     out, he replies.  "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and
     I've just recently  discovered he's a practicing homosexual.  But,
     on
     the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last
     three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a
     big pile of
     stock certificates."

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