Digest for Tuesday, November 26, 1996

There are 16 messages totalling 681 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. US Army Sex Scandal
  2. Blondes Q&A Part 2 (Off. to blondes)
  3. Alligator (off to Women, sexual references)
  4. Few jokes (adult)
  5. The Jump (Off to stutterers) and the Anniversary
  6. The Christmas Trousers (not offensive)
  7. A clean dirty joke?
  8. The Lamp
  9. Lubrication
  10. Offensive to gays who get gerbils stuck in their A...hole
  11. Why it takes a license to drive
  12. Mushroom Joke
  13. CLINTON JOKES#1
  14. You May Be an Engineer if -- (Part 3)
  15. Anecdote: "bad sandwich" (on a airline plane)
  16. Joke-Rated:MARKETING STRATEGY


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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 07:46:56 GMT
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: US Army Sex Scandal <adult themes>

The US Army is currently in the midst of a sexual harassment scandal.
It started at a small base in Aberdeen, Maryland.  These are some things
you might either see in the news, or hear about:

                                - - - - -
* As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's
  stunning, blonde staffers was transferred from Aberdeen Maryland to
  an obscure base in Utah.  The woman reported to her new Commanding
  Officer and handed him her orders.  He glanced at them and said,
  "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your
  last assignment."  The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir.  I kind-of
  figured that.  Will be be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair ?"

* Then there was the newly promoted Army Captain who promptly had his
  female Quartermaster on the carpet because she forgot to include a
  sofa in his office.

* "I'm telling you Jody, I've never been happier" said the one recruit
  to the other.  I have two Drill Sergeants madly in love with me. One
  is just fabulous -- handsome, sensititive, caring and considerate.
  "What in the world would ya need the 2nd Sgt for ?" Jody asked.
  "Oh," Carol replied, "Well, Sgt. James is both straight AND single."

* Tracy, a new recruit, was complaining about her recent date with a
  Drill Sergeant.  "He called me a slut" she said, tears in her eyes.
  "That's terrible !  What did you do ?" asked her fellow recruit.
  "Well, I told him to get the hell outta the motel room, and ...
  to take all his buddies with him."

* The Army still doesn't understand how to conduct a decent scandal.
  They don't even have a cool/catchy name for the incident as yet.
  Hell, even the Navy, several years ago, had the good sense to use
  the double entendre "Tailhook" for theirs.

* You have to give the Base Commander at Aberdeen credit though for
  responding quickly to charges of widespread fraternization between
  Officers and recruits by issuing a directive to all personnel that
  such conduct was strictly against all regulations.  The memo was
  signed personally by the Commander, and co-signed by his aide, a
  Pvt. Lolita "Bootsie" DeCamp.
                                * * * * *

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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 10:08:09 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Blondes Q&A Part 2 (Off. to blondes)

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing in a row?
A: Wind tunnel.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: What's similar about UFO's and a smart blonde?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see one...

Q: What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes?
A: An Interpreter.

Q: What does a blonde say first thing in the morning?
A: Are all you guys on the same team?

Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde has used your computer?
A: Tipp-Ex all over the screen.

Q: What's similar about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Smart
Blondes?
A: They are all make-believe.

Q: Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First

Q: How is a blonde unlike the Titanic?
A: You know how many men went down on the Titanic.

Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
A: WHAT? And have to retrain them?
---------------------
I don't think I'm such a good lover, after all: last night a Peeping
Tom booed me.

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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 09:30:12 +0100
From:    Oruganty Jagannatha Rao <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Alligator (off to Women, sexual references)

There was this guy who went into a bar, went to the center of the bar
and announced, "I will put my genitals into the mouth of an alligator.
Drink a bottle of beer, and then open the mouth of the alligator and
take my genitals out." Hearing this the entire crowd in the bar started
whistling, and making all sorts of sounds. Many of them totally drunk
said "Its not possible". The guy calmly replies, "Get an alligator and a
bottle of beer." After sometime of waiting the guys at the bar get an
alligator. They put the alligator in front of the guy who announced and
they give him a bottle of beer too.
Now the guy opens the bottle of beer, puts his genitals into the mouth
of the alligator, drinks the beer. He hits the alligator with the empty
beer bottle on its head. Unable to withstand the pain the alligator
opens its mouth and the guy takes out his genitals.
He now proudly annouces, "If any one can do this again, I'll give him
$100". This time there was total silence in the bar. After sometime of
waiting, a lady's voice was heard from behind the crowd. She said, "I
don't mind, doing that, but you should not hit me with the bottle on my
head".
--

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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 05:02:44 -0500
From:    VORSTER LL <KLD115@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Few jokes (adult)

 Jim's story.

For Jim, it had been one helluva long night drinking, raising hell
an chasing woman. When finally he managed to drag his ass home at
3am, his furious wife was waiting up to let him have it.

   "I suppose you've been out whoring with that slut Betty from the
beer garden, have'nt you?"

   "No way!" said the drunk-as-a-skunk Jim.

   "No? Then it must have been that Wanda bitch from the pool hall,
was'nt it?"

   "Never baby!" vowed Jim.

The tirade cintinued until Jim, pickled as a herring, finally passed
out cold on the living room floor.

The next day his drinking pal, Rick, dropped by and asked him how
he'd made out when he got home.

   "Did she give you hell?" he asked.

   "You got that right," said Jim grinning. "but she also gave me two
hot leads om some foxy babes I can visit tonight!"

______________________________________________________________________

 The Judge

  Judge Joffeling stumbled home intoxicated one evening, completely
oblivious to the fact that he'd thrown up on himself.

  When pressed by his wifethe next morning as to what happened,
Joffeling convinced her that a belligrent drunk on the commuter train
was responsible.

  Later that day, the judge figured to cement his alibi by calling
home with another bogus story.

  "You remember that drunk I told you about last night?" he asked his
wife. "Well, he turned up in court, and I sentenced him to 30 days
for vomitting on my jacket."

  "Maybe you should give him 60 days," Mrs.Foffeling shot back. "He
shit in your pants too!"

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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 06:42:00 -0600
From:    Bakken, Brian <bdb@TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: The Jump   (Off to stutterers)     and the Anniversary

Bob had a terrible stuttering problem and was starting to get depressed
about it.  His therapist told him to do something exciting to get his
mind off of his problem.  The therapist recommended sky-diving.  One day
Bob went up with a group of beginners to go skydiving. The instructor
said "This is very easy, just count to three and pull your ripcord."
Well, everyone jumped out and pulled their ripcords as instructed, when
all of a sudden Bob went racing past everyone saying
...t-t-t-t-t-t-two".

 ---------------------------

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, the couple returned to
their
honeymoon hotel.  After retiring the wife said, "Darling, do you
remember how
you used to stroke my hair?" and so he stroked her hair.  She reminded
him of
the way they cuddled and so they did.  With a sigh she said, "Won't you
nibble
my ear again?"

With that the husband got out of bed and left the room.

"Where are you going?" cried the upset wife.

"To get my teeth!"

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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 09:23:37 -0500
From:    Cyndi Johnson <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: The Christmas Trousers (not offensive)

>Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of
>pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets
>harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a
>3-foot cube.

>The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now
>Collette's plotting his revenge--if he can get them out.

>It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his
>brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's mother had
>given her son the britches when he was a college student.

>He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he
>didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette.

>Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three times,
>then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next
>year.

>The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants
>tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them
>back to Kunkel.

>The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square,
>wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette.

>Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a
>2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with
>steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

>The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But
>they were as careful as they were clever.

>Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year
>guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.

>Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a
>5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon
>container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel
>the following Christmas.

>Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel
>ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the
>side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but
>succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

>Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon
>Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and
>green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was
>then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in
>Bensenville.

>Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of
>Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000
>miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised
>Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.

>"This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get them
>out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to
>recover the bothersome britches.

>"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."

Cyndi Johnson

***This message was printed with recycled electrons***

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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 10:25:45 EST
From:    Kevin W Louderback <louderback@JUNO.COM>
Subject: A clean dirty joke?

There once was this little bread shop not to far from the school.
Working behind the counter every day after school was a very voluptuous,
nice looking, long legged blond girl.  She always wore short skirts and
no panties underneath.

One day a boy stopped in after school to get some raison bread for his
mother on the way home from school.  The raisin bread was kept on the top
shelf behind the counter so the girl had to climb a ladder to get to it.
When the young boy looked up, he was so amazed and thrilled at the sight,
he had to tell all of his friends at school.

>From then on, everyday after school, all of the boys would stop in and
get one loaf of raisin bread at a time, day after day after day.  It got
to be so regular, that the girl just stayed on the ladder until she was
sure that all of the boys had gotten their bread.

School was cancelled one day so the boys didn't stop by for their bread.
Not knowing there was no school, the girl was already at the top of her
ladder waiting the arrival of the young boys to buy their raisin bread.
In the store cam an elderly man who looked up and noticed the girl on the
ladder with no panties underneath.

Without looking down, the girls say, "I know, it's raisin right?"

To which the man replied, "No, but it sure is a twitchin'"


Kevin W. Louderback, EMT-P
Louderback@juno.com
Buffalo, Missouri

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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 10:27:14 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Lamp

 This man is walking along a beach one day and finds an old lamp washed
 up on  the shore. He takes it home and places it on the mantle, but
 doesn't give it much thought.  A few weeks later he looks at it and
 decides, what the heck, let's rub it and see what happens. Sure enough,
 a genie appears and immediately says, "Thank-you, master, for
 freeing me from the lamp.  In repayment I offer you three wishes."

 The man thinks for a while and says, "I really don't know what to wish
 for." The genie replies, "Wish for lots of money, that's what most
 people want in life." The man replies, "No, I have enough money; I don't
 need more." The genie says, "How about travel? I can take you to the far
 corners of the world in an instant." The man replies, "No, I've been to
 many places and I like it here." The genie says, "How about your sex
 life? How often to you have sex?" "Oh, about three times a week," is the
 man's reply. "I can make your sex life much more active than that," says
 the genie. "Gee," says the man, "I thought three a week was pretty good
 for a priest with a bicycle in a town this small."

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Date:    Mon, 25 Nov 1996 23:15:10 +0000
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <visioncn@RITSEC1.COM.EG>
Subject: Lubrication <Suggestive>

Do you know why doesn't this year's Miss World use any kind of
lubrication??

She is Miss "Greece"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mohamed El-Nadi,
mnadi@usa.net

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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 14:28:44 EST
From:    Chris Dooley <chris_dooley@COKER.EDU>
Subject: Offensive to gays who get gerbils stuck in their A...hole

Actually from the LA Times.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying
to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the
Severe
Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.  Tomaszewski, and his homosexual
partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment
after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard

tube up his
rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki
shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to
retrieve
Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and
struck
a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press
conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match
ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube,
igniting
Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face.  It also set fire to
the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of
gas
further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact
of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his
anus and lower intestinal tract.

 -----------------------------------------------------------

  O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this
story.

     10)  "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ."   Ouch!!!

     9)  "So I peered into the tube . . ."  Aaaaaahhhhhhh.  I'm sorry,
but
that's like looking through a telescope into hell.  I'd rather use
binoculars to stare at the sun.

     8)  That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem)
being
shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky &
Bullwinkle.

     7)  Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus.  I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

     6)  People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums.

     5)  People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room.  Sorry, but I think I would have
made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends
breaking
into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted
the truth.  Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a
doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this.  See we have this gerbil
named
Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ."
     4)  "First and second degree burns to the anus".  Wouldn't this make
the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief?  How does
one ever take a healthy poop after something like this?  And the smell of
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of
God's green earth.

     3)  People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
"Idiotic white man who inserts rodents up his butt."

     2)  What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

     1)  This happened in Salt Lake City.  What kind of people are those
Mormons?  I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 18:37:48 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Why it takes a license to drive <off to Californians>

    The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
    by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
    Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)  After reading
this I'm glad                        t    that I live "back east."

    Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
    A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

    Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way
       stop at the same time?
    A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
       saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

    Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
    A: Your car.

    Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
       longer drive lawfully?
    A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

    Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being
       passed?
    A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

    Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
       and a flashing yellow traffic light?
    A: The color.

    Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
    A: Heavy psychedelics.

    Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
    A: Carry loaded weapons.

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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 19:08:50 EST
From:    Donald E. Chesnel <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Mushroom Joke <offensive to mushroom lovers>

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a gin and tonic.
The bartender looks at the mushroom and says, "I can't serve you
a drink, you're a mushroom!!".

The mushroom says, "You really ought to reconsider,
because I'm a fun-gi".

(Time joke, count to 10!)

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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 19:39:00 -0400
From:    Jeffrey Reid Baker <jeffbaker@JRB-CD.COM>
Subject: CLINTON  JOKES#1 <Offensive to Democrats, Liberals, &Liars>

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

BILL CLINTON  JOKES (Part 1 of 20)
---------------------------------------------

Now that Bill Clinton is in the oval office, I sleep like a baby.
Every 2 hours I wake up crying.

=========================

If half of America is illiterate, how come Bill Clinton only got 43% of
the vote?

=========================

Why should they put Bill Clinton's picture inside toilet bowls?
So the assholes can see who they voted for.

=========================

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

=========================

Bill Clinton has always been spouting off at the mouth.
Until he was 6 months old, his mother was diapering the wrong end!

=========================

What's wrinkled and smells like flowers?
Bill Clinton's face.

=========================

Hillary comes home one day to find Slick Willy in bed with a midget. She
screams "You promised you'd never cheat on me again."
Slick Willy says "Come on, can't you see I'm trying to taper off".

=========================

During a recent demonstration in front of the White House, one feminazi
was screaming "Free Women! Free Women!"
Slick Willy threw the window open and yelled, "Hey that's great. Do you
deliver?"

=========================

Bill Clinton loves to show off his new laptop computer to his
girlfriends.
They're the only ones who have ever seen his Wang.

=========================

What does Bill Clinton like to have on his desk?
Flowers

What kind does he keep under his desk?
Tulips

------------------------------------------------------
--- The measure of a man's character  ---
---   is what he would be if he knew      ---
---    he would never be found out.        ---
-------------------------------------------------------
Jokes excerpted from:
THE COMPLETE BUT TACKY
           BILL CLINTON
JOKE AND ACTIVITY BOOK

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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 19:33:04 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: You May Be an Engineer if --  (Part 3)

From a friend -- author unknown.

         You May Be an Engineer if...

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush
up to the front to fix it

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel
and have seen most of the shows already

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what
RPN stands for

If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV
with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew
up thinking that was normal

If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size
screw driver to use

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

If people groan at the party when you pick out the music

If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this
week

If you did the sound system for your senior prom

If your checkbook always balances

If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life

If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission
controllers

If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they
didn't get enough sleep

If you spend more on your home computer than your car

If you know what http:/ stands for

If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio

If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your
garage

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to
explain atmospheric absorption theory

If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.
Chocolate

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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 18:07:54 -0800
From:    Mark Panitz <az483@LAFN.ORG>
Subject: Anecdote: "bad sandwich" (on a airline plane)

There this very rude passenger on this flight,
he complained about everything.
Then when he got his snack, (a sandwich)
he told the flight attendant
This sandwich is BAD.
The Flight attendant took the sandwich and said to
the sandwich 'Bad Sandwich! Bad sandwich!
shaking her finger at it.
she had the cabin rocking with laughter -even the complainer!


--
Mark Panitz
az483@lafn.org

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Date:    Tue, 26 Nov 1996 15:10:00 PST
From:    RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/BZO <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-Rated:MARKETING STRATEGY

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that    :
    produces various latex products.

    At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

    "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the
guide. "The popping sound  is a needle poking a hole in the end of the
nipple."

    Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory  where condoms are
manufactured.

    The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss.  Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"
    "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the
'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's  that  'pop!' every so often?"

    "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide.  "It pokes a hole in every  fourth condom."

    "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

    "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

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