Digest for Sunday, November 24, 1996

There are 6 messages totalling 194 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Good/Bad/Worse Events
  2. Nun Joke
  3. 50 ways to flame your gerbil. (Off to gays, gerbils)
  4. How not to lose your partner
  5. Eavesdropping at Comdex
  6. Our Nations Capitol


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Date:    Sun, 24 Nov 1996 09:05:25 GMT
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Good/Bad/Worse Events <adult themes>

               GOOD * BAD * WORSE
                   Part 1 of 2

  Good: Your hubby & you agree, no more kids.
   Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
 Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.

  Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
   Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
 Worse: You're in them.

  Good: Your wife bought you a porn movie.
   Bad: It's over five years old.
 Worse: Your daughter's the star.

  Good: Your son's interested in school.
   Bad: He has to do extra credit to pass.
 Worse: Making a sex ed video.

  Good: Your husband understands fashion.
   Bad: He's a crossdresser.
 Worse: He looks better than you.

  Good: Your son is finally maturing.
   Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
 Worse: So are you.

  Good: You give the "Birds & Bees" talk to your kid
   Bad: He keeps interupting.
 Worse: With corrections !

  Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
   Bad: She wants a divorce.
 Worse: She's a lawyer. (a GOOD one)

  Good: Your wife sez you can go hunting all you want.
   Bad: Because she's leaving you.
 Worse: For another woman.

  Good: Your wife is helping bring in income.
   Bad: She's arrested for soliciting.
 Worse: She implicates you.

  Good: Hot outdoor sex.
   Bad: You're arrested.
 Worse: By your spouse.

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Date:    Sun, 24 Nov 1996 12:11:37 EST
From:    Kevin W Louderback <louderback@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Nun Joke <Poss. Offensive to Catholics>

        Q. Why did the three nuns get kicked out of the convent?

        A. They got caught doing push-ups in the pickle patch...

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Date:    Sun, 24 Nov 1996 13:01:32 -0500
From:    Robert Bragner <robertb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: 50 ways to flame your gerbil. (Off to gays, gerbils)

This purportedly appeared in the LA Times:
-----------------------------------------------------------
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying
to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe
Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner
Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a
felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed the cardboard tube up his
rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki
shouted out, 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve
Raggot, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a
match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a
hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket
of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's
hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and
whiskers, which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the
intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered
second-degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while
Farnum suffered first and second-degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal
tract.

(And you thought that the light at the end of the tunnel was just a muzzle
flash.)

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Date:    Sun, 24 Nov 1996 17:51:59 GMT
From:    Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: How not to lose your partner

Here's a tip for those of you who don't want their partner to leave them.
While they are asleep, put a few nicorette patches (nicotine patches for
people trying to give up smoking) on their arm.  Remove them before they wake
up.  Keep doing this for a while until they are up to the equivalent of about
60 cigarettes a day.

Then, if they should ever leave you they'll get such awful cravings that
they'll think they must still love you and come back.

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Date:    Sun, 24 Nov 1996 15:18:05 -0800
From:    K-A <miette@AMUG.ORG>
Subject: Eavesdropping at Comdex <off. programmers?>

[author unknown]


>>            The Top 15 Things Overheard at Comdex
>>
>>
>>15> "Oh, come on -- Kirk can beat Picard's ass any day of the week!"
>>
>>14> "Empty the trash cans, someone's lost another retainer!"
>>
>>13> "I'm sorry, Mr. Gates -- this is a $10 minimum table, the $5
>>     minimum tables are over there."
>>
>>12> "No, sir, we can't accept Apple stock to cover your gambling
>>     debts."
>>
>>11> "Just shut up and give me the trinkets, booth weasel!"
>>
>>10> "Free Pocket Protectors at Booth 183!  Pass it on!"
>>
>> 9> "Hey, if we all share a limo ride back to the hotel, we can
>>     split that dollar tip nine ways."
>>
>> 8> "Well, the Chicken Ranch was okay - but I liked 'Virtual
>>     Monique' better."
>>
>> 7> "...so Dilbert says to Wally..."
>>
>> 6> "My dad said if I hacked the Federal Reserve one more time,
>>     he'd take away my Nintendo."
>>
>> 5> "...and *I* said, 'That's no hexadecimal assembly code, that's
>>     my self-modulating subroutine.'  But seriously, folks..."
>>
>> 4> "I don't care if you ARE a CEO, nobody gets in under 21."
>>
>> 3> "Marc Andreeson to the courtesy desk -- Your mother wants to
>>     know what time you'll be home for dinner..."
>>
>> 2> "They call this a breakfast buffet?  Where's the Jolt Cola
>>     and Doritos?"
>>
>>
>>     and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at Comdex...
>>
>>
>> 1> "Hey -- where are all the chicks??"

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Date:    Sun, 24 Nov 1996 19:28:04 -0500
From:    Jim Kylis <JKylis@AOL.COM>
Subject: Our Nation's Capitol <Off. to Blacks>

Newt Gingrich emerged from the Capital after another long legislative session
to find that, once again, the city's pigeons had covered his car with
droppings.  "I've had it with these damn pigeons," he roared, "I ordered the
Mayor to get rid of those damn birds, and like everything else in this city
he screwed it up.  I'm calling my old pal Clem, from Georgia.  He may be
country, and he may be different, but he's always fixed my problems before."
 So, he called his old friend Clem and told him that he would pay him $50,000
if he could rid the city of those infernal pigeons.  About a week later, Clem
shows up in Newt's office with nothing but a bird cage.  Inside the cage
however, is a bright, pink pigeon.  Newt looked at the bird and said to Clem,
"You've always done things strangely Clem, but I don't see how this pink
pigeon is going to solve my problem."  "You just watch." Clem replied, and
with that he opened the cage and the pink pigeon flew out the window and
began circling the Capital.  Pretty soon, pigeons from all over the city
began flying to the capital, attracted to the pink pigeon like magnets.  The
pink pigeon continued to circle over the Capital until every pigeon in the
city had joined the circling flock.  Once he had all the pigeons behind him,
the pink pigeon headed east, across the Chesapeake bay and on towards the
Atlantic ocean.  All the pigeons followed behind him as he continued out over
the ocean.  Pretty soon the weak, city birds began to tire and drop into the
ocean where they met their demise.  It didn't take long before all the
pigeons had dropped off into the ocean and the pink pigeon turned around and
headed back, alone, to his cage in Newt's office.  Clem quietly accepted his
fee, picked up his cage, and headed for the door.  "Hold on a minute Clem"
Newt called out, then ran over to Clem, put his arm around his shoulder and
pulled him aside,  "I don't suppose you have any pink Negroes?"

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