Digest for Friday, November 22, 1996

There are 13 messages totalling 607 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. The Laws of Cartoon Physics
  2. deer hunting schedule
  3. A funny thing happened to me...
  4. Macarena
  5. various thoughts of wisdom (and a joke too!) not off.
  6. Newfoundland Medical Dictionary
  7. Bedroom Golf
  8. This is News?
  9. cowpoke
  10. opportunist
  11. M&M Evolution
  12. DILBERTS LAWS OF WORK


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Thu, 21 Nov 1996 09:15:58 EST
From:    Paul Frazier <PFRAZIER@CSI.COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: The Laws of Cartoon Physics <not off.>

I found these laws years ago on the net and I thought I'd share them again for
folks who may not have seen them.

=========================================================

THE LAWS OF CARTOON PHYSICS
By Trevor Paquette and Lt. Justin D. Baldwin

Cartoon Law I:  Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
aware of its situation.
  Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.  He loiters in
midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down.  At this point,
the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II:  Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid
matter intervenes suddenly.
  Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are
so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder
retards their forward motion absolutely.  Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden
termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III:  Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.
 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of
victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager
to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a
cookie-cutout-perfect hole.  The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes
this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV:  The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is
greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge
to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.  Such an object
is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V:  All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
  Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them
directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky noise or an adversary's
signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a
chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.  The feet of a character who
is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,
especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI:  As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
  This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's
head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places
simultaneously.  This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or
being throttled.  A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at
manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII:  Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to
resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
  This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is
known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent
will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.  The painter is
flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.  This
is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII:  Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
  Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might
comfortably afford.  They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated,
spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed.  After a few moments of
blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
 Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX:  For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
  This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the
physical world at large.  For that reason, we need the relief of watching it
happen to a duck instead.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Sat, 21 Nov 0105 15:02:58 PST
From:    Rupinder Bedi <rup@BCOLL.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: <Old Joke>

A man walks into a bar and says OUCH!

>From Rupinder
Another man from England

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Fri, 22 Nov 1996 04:33:00 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: deer hunting schedule

In preparation for the upcoming deer hunting season (a season which
receives more attention than Christmas in my midwest neck of the
woods) I offer the following Deer Hunter Opening Day Summation:

 1:00 a.m.  Alarm clock rings.
 2:00 a.m.  Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
 3:00 a.m.  Leave for deep woods.
 3:15 a.m.  Arrive back home and pick up gun.
 3:30 a.m.  Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
 4:00 a.m.  Set up camp -- forgot the damn tent!
 4:30 a.m.  Head into the woods.
 6:05 a.m.  See a deer.
 6:06 a.m.  Take aim and squeeze trigger.
 6:07 a.m.  Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
 8:00 a.m.  Head back to camp.
 9:00 a.m.  Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m.  Realize you don't have a clue where camp is.
12:00 noon  Fire gun for help -- eat wild berries.
12:15 p.m.  Out of bullets -- 6 deer come by.
12:20 p.m.  Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.  Realize you ate poisoned berries.
12:45 p.m.  Rescued.
12:55 p.m.  Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
 3:00 p.m.  Arrive back at camp.
 3:30 p.m.  Leave camp to kill deer.
 4:00 p.m.  Arrive back at camp for bullets.
 4:01 p.m.  Load gun.  Leave camp again.
 5:00 p.m.  Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
 6:00 p.m.  Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing at camp.
 6:01 p.m.  Load gun.
 6:02 p.m.  Fire gun.
 6:03 p.m.  Hit pick up.
 6:06 p.m.  Partner returns to camp dragging 6 point buck.
 6:07 p.m.  Suppress strong desire to shoot partner.
 6:08 p.m.  Fall into campfire.
 6:10 p.m.  Change clothes.  Throw burned ones in fire.
 6:16 p.m.  Take pick up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
 6:25 p.m.  Pick up boils over due to hole shot in block.
 6:26 p.m.  Begin walking.
 6:35 p.m.  Stumble and fall -- drop gun in mud.
 6:40 p.m.  Meet bear.
 6:42 p.m.  Fire gun, blow up barrel -- plugged with mud.
 6:43 p.m.  Wet pants.
 6:44 p.m.  Climb tree.
 9:00 p.m.  Bear departs.  Wrap $@!%&^* gun around tree.
12:00 midn  Home at last!

Sunday:     Watch football game on T.V. slowly tearing hunting
            license into little pieces.  Place into envelope.
            Mail to game warder with clever instruction on where
            to place it!

Kathleen Olivier
ADKO@NMUMUS
********************************************************
* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.            *
********************************************************

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Sat, 21 Nov 0105 15:59:21 PST
From:    Joseph Stone <joseph@BCOLL.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: A funny thing happened to me... <sick humor>

A funny thing happened to me #2.........

The other day I was preparing a casserole at home and I was chopping up some
vegetables. It was then that I noticed I had left the sausages out! I picked
them up and poped them in to the dish. It was only when I tried to turn yhe
heat down with my other hand that I realised that the sausages were already
in there. I'd chopped my fingers off!!!!!

How I laughed!!!

>From Joseph Stone - Our man in England....

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Fri, 22 Nov 1996 14:10:34 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Macarena

I've always been intrigued by the words of Macarena, so I've given it
a shot at translating it. My Spanish is a bit rusty, though, and therefore
had to do some guess-work. Please let me know if I've made any
mistakes.

Bale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena
Bale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Eeeeh, Macarena!

        Balls for your bodies, oh gay Americans
        Because it's good for your bodies to be gay
        Balls for your bodies, oh gay Americans
        Eeeeh, Americans!

Macarena tiene un novio que se llama
Que se llama de apellido Vitorino
Y en la jura de bandera del muchacho
Se la dio con dos amigos

        Americans have married a new llama
        The name of the llama is Vitorino
        Who has joined a gang of boys
        And has made two new friends

Que le gusta la movida guerrilera
Macarena suean con el Corte Ingles
Y se compra los modelos mas modernos
Le gustaria vivre on Nueva York

        (The llama) likes war movies
        Americans buy their suede at the English Court
        And compare the newest models
        You'll love gay life in New York

(My gerbil didn't laugh, this time, but then he's always been a bit
dense).

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Fri, 22 Nov 1996 06:49:00 -0600
From:    Bakken, Brian <bdb@TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: various thoughts of wisdom  (and a joke too!)   not off.

Dialogue 20 years ago between teenager and parent
Teenager:  "I'm off to the party."
Parent:   "Well have a good time '
Teenager  "Okay! see ya later"

Dialogue today between teenager and parent:
Teenager:  "I'm off to the party."
Parent:    "Well, have a good time."
Teenager: "Look Pop, don't tell me what to do."

 -----------------------------------------

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next
to a priest.  The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket.  He opened his newspaper and began reading.  After a few
minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father,
what causes arthriris?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too
much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned", the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry.  I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How
long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, father.  I was just reading in the newspaper that the
Pope does."

 -----------------------------------------

A guy shows up at the hospital for his vasectomy, dressed in a tuxedo.
The nurse asks why.  He says: "If I'm going to be impotent, I want to
look impotent".

 -----------------------------------------

a rich widowed farmer hires a beautiful young woman to be his live-in
housekeeper.  he is known by everyone in the area to be very proud of
his material possessions, and especially his grand set of silverware.

one day he holds a dinner party for another farmer from the area.  he is
very impressed with the excellent meal, and with the surprising
cleanliness of the house.

the next day, the farmer discovers that his beautiful silver soup ladle
is missing so he calls up yesterday's dinner guest and says:   "my
silver ladle is gone.  i'm not saying that you took it, and i'm not
saying you didn't take it, but it's gone"

the other farmer replies:   "your new housekeeper is beautiful.  i'm not
saying that     you sleep with her, and i'm not saying that you don't
sleep with her, but if you had slept in your own bed you would have
found your silver ladle."

 -----------------------------------------

A Psycholigist was giving a lecture at a mens club. "How many of you
make love to your wives every night?" he asked. A few raised their
hands.
"Twice a week?" More hands.
"Once a month?" Still more.
"Only once a year?" A man in the back row jumped up and eagerly
shouted, "Me!"
" Why are you so cheerful ?" the  therapist asked.
" Because tonights the night!!" was the reply

 -----------------------------------------

Did you ever notice ...

... that people who say they want to tell you something for your own
good never have anything good to say?

... that a dropped penny always lands at your feet, but when you drop a
quarter, it rolls 20 yards?

... that people who are wrong seem to talk louder than anyone else?

... that the latest model of anything is the one that becomes available
right after you've bought the previous one?

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Fri, 22 Nov 1996 08:11:51 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Newfoundland Medical Dictionary

 Newfoundland Medical Directory
 _______________________________

 Artery:  The study of paintings

 Barium:  What doctors do when patients die

 Caesarian Section:  A neighborhood in Rome

 Cauterize:  Made eye contact with her

 Colic:  A sheep dog

 D&C:  Where Washington is

 Dilate:  To live long

 Enema:  Not a friend

 Fibula:  A small lie

 Genital:  Not Jewish

 G.I. Series:  A military ballgame

 Impotent:  Distinguished; well known

 Labour Pain:  Getting hurt at work

 Morbid:  A higher offer

 Nitrates:  Cheaper than day rates

 Node:  Was aware of

 Outpatient:  A person who has fainted

 Pap Smear:  Fatherhood test

 Post-Operative:  Letter carrier

 Recovery Room:  Place to do upholstery

 Seizure:  Roman Emperor

 Tablet:  Small table

 Terminal Illness:  Getting sick at the airport

 Urine:  Opposite of "You're Out"

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Fri, 22 Nov 1996 11:28:51 -0600
From:    TC Mangan <mangan@BROKER.COM>
Subject: Bedroom Golf   <sexual innuendo>

Rules for Bedroom Golf

1  Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
club and two
   balls
2  Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3  Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of
   the hole
4  For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.  Course
owners are
   permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5  Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to
avoid damage to
   the hole
6  The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner
   is satisfied that play is complete.  Failure to do so may result in
being denied
   permission to play the course again.
7  It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the
   course.  The experienced player will normally take time to admire the
entire course,
   with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8  Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently
   playing to the owner of the course being played.  Upset course owners
have been
   known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9  Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along...just in case.
l0 Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled,
   particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.
Previous players have
   been know to become irate if they discover someone else is playing
what they
   consider to be a private course.
11 Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times.  Some players
   may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under
repair.  Players
   are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.  More advanced
players will find
   altemate means of play when this is the case
12 Players are advjsed to obtain course owner's permission before
attempting to play
   the back nine.
13 Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker
   pace, at least ternporarily, at the course owner's request.
14 It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole
   several times in one match.
15 The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

*** Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at
a given course.
Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules
are subject to
change.  For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play
several different
courses.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Fri, 22 Nov 1996 14:23:39 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: This is News?  <Headlines, not off.>

>STUPID HEADLINES  PRINTED BY THE PRESS:
>
>- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
>- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
>- Stud Tires Out
>- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
>- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
>- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
>- Eye Drops off Shelf
>- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
>- Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
>- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
>- Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
>- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
>- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
>- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
>- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant-
>- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
>- Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
>- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
>- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
>- `84 War Dims Hope for Peace
>- If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
>- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
>- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
>- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
>- Deer Kill 17,000
>- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
>- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
>- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
>- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
>- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
>- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
>- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
>- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
>- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
>- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
>- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
>- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
>- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
>- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
>- Air Head Fired
>- Steals Clock, Faces Time
>- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
>- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
>- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
>- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
>- Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
>- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
>- Include your Children when Baking Cookies

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Fri, 22 Nov 1996 15:03:17 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: cowpoke

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome
prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.  A night of
tall tales begins. . .

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is.
Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six
men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested.  "Why that's nothing. I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out
from under a rock and made a move for me.  I grabbed that snake with
my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp.
And I'm still here today!"

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Sat, 23 Nov 1996 05:32:21 +0000
From:    reina <reina@NTEP.TMG.NEC.CO.JP>
Subject: opportunist

What is an "Opportunist"? Any man who goes ahead
and does what you always
intended to do.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Fri, 22 Nov 1996 16:46:25 EST
From:    Martha E. Frantz <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: M&M Evolution

Copied from someone who definitely has too much time on their hands:
>
>Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the
>strength and robustness of the candy as a species.  To this end, I hold M&M
>duels.
>
>Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
>squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters.  That is the
>"loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately.  The winner gets to go
>another round.
>
>I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the
>newer blue ones are genetically inferior.  I have hypothesized that the blue
>M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that
>is the modern candy and snack-food world.
>
>Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier,
>or flatter than the rest.  Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness,
>but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.  In this way,
>the species continues to adapt to its environment.
>
>When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of
>the herd.  Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it
>neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.,
>Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please
>use this M&M for breeding purposes."
>
>This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2
>pound bag of plain M&Ms.  I consider this "grant money."  I have set aside
>the weekend for a grand tournament.  From a field of hundreds, we will
>discover the True Champion.
>
>There can be only one.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Fri, 22 Nov 1996 20:30:25 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool
about it.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is
supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good,
you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index