Digest for Wednesday, November 20, 1996

There are 15 messages totalling 729 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Old Jack
  2. Sardarji Jokes (Part 1) (off. to Sardarjis)
  3. Floral arrangement
  4. Insurance Claims
  5. Thought provoking one-liners which may lead to chuckles (or not)...
  6. National Park humour
  7. In the Age of Cost Cutting...
  8. Quiz
  9. Slow down!
  10. THE PLAN (profane and scatalogical)
  11. Underground ads
  12. A Limmerick. (May be mildly offensive to the prudish)
  13. long, offensive to piccolo players, mf-repeated; otherwise not s
  14. supermarket humor
  15. Velly silly building site joke


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Wed, 20 Nov 1996 03:52:59 -0500
From:    VAN ZYL JA <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Old Jack <Clean>

Jack was a grumpy old man,who like's visiting pubs.He loved to tell
people in the pub of all his belongings.
One night,old Jack went to a local pub.As the night get older,Jack
get's drunker.
One of the locals there,offered him a lift to his house.He invited
the man into the house.Jack ask the man,do you see that lamp?Yes the
man replied.Well,that's mine.Do you see that carpet?Yes.Well that's
mine.

Old Jack show the man everything,and make him aware of all his
belongings.They finally came to the bedroom.Do you see that bed?Yes.
Well,that's mine.Do you see that women on the bed?Yes.Well,that's
mine.Do you see the man next to her?Yes Jack,I see!

Well,that's me.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 20 Nov 1996 11:22:24 +0100
From:    Oruganty Jagannatha Rao <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Sardarji Jokes (Part 1)  (off. to Sardarji's)

A little intro, so that you can appreciate these jokes.
The "Sardarji" is like the "Polak", except that he wears a "Turban", and has a "Beard". "Sardarji's" can be found almost anywhere in the world (I've seen a few of them out
here in Germany), but the majority of them can be found in "Punjab" a state/province in INDIA. "INDIA" if you have forgotten/don't know is the place where recently two planes
were involved in Mid-Air collision. :-(
P.S: These jokes are very popular among the Indian community at home and abroad. And now for the jokes.
--------------
Q:   How do you measure a sardarji's intelligence?
A:   Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear!

Q:   Why do sardarjis wear their hair up?
A:   To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q:   A sardarji going to London on a plane, how can you steal his window seat?
A:   Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q:   WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SARDARJI THROWS A PIN AT YOU?
A:   Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

Q:   How do you make a sardarji laugh on Saturday
A:   Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Q:   What is the sardarji doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A:   Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q:   Why did the sardarji stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A:   Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q:   Why do sardarjis work seven days a week?
A:   So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q:   What did the sardarji do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A:   He turned it over and used the other side.

Q:   How do you confuse a sardarji?
A:   You don't. They're born that way.

Q:   How do you keep a sardarji busy?
A:   Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q:   Why can't sardarjis make ice cubes?
A:   They always forget the  recipe.

Q:   How did the sardarji try to kill the bird?
A:   He threw it off a cliff.

Q:   Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A:   Because below 18 was not allowed !!!

Q:   What's the difference between a sardarji and a computer?
A:   You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q:   Why do men like sardarji jokes??
A:   Because they can understand them.

Q:   How many sardarjis does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1:   "What's a light bulb?"
A2:  One. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around hin.
A3:  Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q:   What does a sardarji say when you ask him if his blinker is on?
A:   It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q:   What do you get when you offer a sardarji a penny for his thoughts?
A:   Change.

Q:   What do you call 10 sardarjis standing ear to ear?
A:   A wind tunnel.

Q:   What do you call a sardarji in an institution of higher learning?
A:   A visitor.

Q:   What do you call a sardarji with half a brain?
A:   Gifted!

Q:   What do you call a sardarji in a tree with a brief case?
A    Branch Manager.

Q:   What do you see when you look into a sardarji's eyes?
A:   The back of his head.

Q:   Why did the sardarji take his typewriter to the doctor ??
A:   He thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

Q:   Why are sardarjis hurt by peoples words?
A:   Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q:   Why can't sardarjis put in light bulbs?
A:   They keep breaking them with the hammers.
--

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 20 Nov 1996 13:41:00 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Floral arrangement <adult>

Betty is at home chatting with her good friend Doris. Doris looks out
of the window and tells Betty: "Hey, your husband is coming towards
the house and is carrying a big bunch of flowers". "Oh, no", says
Betty, now he's going to come in and ask me to lay on my back and
open my legs".  "Why?", asks Doris, "Can't he put them in a vase?"
----------------------------------------
He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 20 Nov 1996 09:22:35 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Insurance Claims

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms.  Drivers
attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible
words.  I always wondered why colleges bothered with the standard "bone head
Engligh" course for freshman (called English Comp. at my college); I no
longer wonder....

 o Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
   don't have.

 o The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

 o I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head
   through it.

 o I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

 o A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

 o The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
   hit him.

 o I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
   headed over the embankment.

 o In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

 o I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached
   an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see
   the other car.

 o I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
   an accident.

 o I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint
   gave way causing me to have an accident.

 o As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where
   no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to
   avoid the accident.

 o To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

 o My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

 o An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

 o I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found
that
   I had a fractured skull.

 o I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road
   when I struck him.

 o The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

 o I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof
   of my car.

 o The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with
   a big mouth.

 o I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
   by some stray cows.

 o The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the
   way when I struck the front end.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 20 Nov 1996 11:58:01 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Thought provoking one-liners which may lead to chuckles (or not)...

 If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he
 automatically lose because he can't find himself?

 If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
 it considered a hostage situation?

 If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they
 still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

 Is there another word for synonym?

 When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket
 signs?

 When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
 thrown away?

 When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
 you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

 Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

 Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 Why do they report power outages on TV?

 Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers
 aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

 Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

      "My goal in life is rather simple... To rid the world of
        stupid people, for it is the stupid that cannot comprehend Sarcasm."

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 20 Nov 1996 14:17:07 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: National Park humour

 Consider and enjoy this set of questions commonly asked of national park
 staff by visitors:

 Since there are bears here, should I keep my cat inside the tent?

 What is there to do around here at night?

 What time do you feed the bears?

 In Alaska:
        Can you show me where the yeti lives?
        How often do you mow the tundra?
        How much does Mt McKinley weigh?

 (While sea kayaking) What elevation are we at?

 Yosemite National Park:
        Where are the cages for the animals?
        What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
        How long is the Two-Hour Valley Floor Tour?
        You mean we came all this way out here to look at a bunch of rocks?

 Grand Canyon:
        Do you light it up at night?  When?
        I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom - where is it?
        Is the mule train air conditioned?
        Are there dining cars on the mule train?
        So where are the faces of the presidents?
        Was this man made?

 Yellowstone:
        Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
        How do you turn it on?
        When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
        We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
        When do deer turn into elk?
        Can we eat this? (holding a handful of moose droppings)
        is there a Wal-Mart near here?

 Mesa Verde national Park:
        Did people build this, or did Indians?
        Why did the Indians build these ruins?
        Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
        Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

 Carlsbad Caverns:
        So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
        Does it ever rain in here?
        So what is this - just a hole in the ground?
        Why don't you fix all the drips/leaks?
        Where's the entrance to the elevator?

 Paluxy River dinosaur site:
 (Father to son) You know Billy, these dinosaur footprints are hundreds of
 years old?

 I know dinosaurs were heavy, but I never dreamed they could punch
 footprints like this in solid rock?

 Everglades:
        Are the alligators real?
        Where are all the rides?
        What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 20 Nov 1996 13:48:22 -0800
From:    Michael J. Irvin (509/335-0437) <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: In the Age of Cost Cutting...

In the Age of Cost Cutting...

From: mil@juno.com (Milda G. Simaitis)

The following "memo" was received via FAX in our Medical Records Department
from a Spokane hospital...

MEMO  TO:  All Hospital Staff
FROM:  Administration/Groundskeeper
SUBJECT:  New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security.  Each
charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of
ammunition.  An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy.  In
addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling
of the hospital grounds.  A bicycle and helmet will be provided for
patrolling the park areas.  In light of the similarity of monitoring
equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties.  The
unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardio and security monitors
as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.

Food service will be discontinued.  Patients wishing to be fed will need to
let their families now to bring something, or may make arrangements with
Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time.  Coin-operated telephones will be
available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls
the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined.  Mops will be issued
to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion
exercise as well as a clean environment. Familiar and ambulatory patients
may also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special
discounts for their final bill.  Time cards will be provided.

As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming grounds
keeping duties.  If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her
office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a
lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.

Engineering is being eliminated.  The hospital has subscribed to the
TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books.  These books can be
checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on
all nursing units.  We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume
every other month.  We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a
non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as you can
until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing
blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they  may order no more the two x-rays per
patient stay.  This is due to the turnaround time required by Eckerd's photo
lab.  Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are
being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets.
Eckerd's will also honor competitors' coupons for one-hour processing in the
emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them
and send them to the ER.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company has
been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc.,
so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately
billed.  Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of
unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor.  Families,
patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute
discarded produce.  The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the
pharmacy for nocosomial production of antibiotics.  These antibiotics will
also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will,
coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMOs' formulary.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 20 Nov 1996 18:07:03 -0500
From:    Tejas Mehta <TejasMehta@AOL.COM>
Subject: Quiz

******************************************************************************
****************
Here is a nice math trick for everyone to play with.  It is pretty cool.
  Thanx Veena.
******************************************************************************
*****************

PICK a number from 1 - 9



SUBTRACT 5



MULTIPLY by 3



SQUARE it



If more than one digit ADD up the DIGITS until you get only one digit (i.e.:
64 = 6+4 10 = 1+0 = 1)

IF your NUMBER is less than 5, then add 5 .... otherwise subtract 4



MULTIPLY by 2



SUBTRACT 6



MAP the DIGIT to a letter in the ALPHABET 1=A, 2=B, etc



PICK a name of a COUNTRY that begins with that letter



TAKE the SECOND LETTER in the COUNTRY name



THINK of an ANIMAL that begins with that LETTER



THINK of the COLOR of that ANIMAL



<page down

















You have a gray elephant from Denmark.



               _____             <<<
          _____|     |=========O <<<<    O   ... Oh NO!
         / ============== \       <<<   \|/
         | ***************|              |
          \==============/              / \
                                       /   \

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 20 Nov 1996 18:47:18 -0500
From:    Lloyd B. Abrams <lba@HOFLINK.COM>
Subject: Slow down!

        A police officer. who was "sitting" at a stop sign,  watched a man
roll through the intersection without stopping.

        He pulled the driver over and requested to see the driver's license
and registration.

        The driver asked, "But officer, why'd you stop me?"

        "Didn't you see the stop sign back there?" the officer answered.
"You didn't come to a full stop."

        "But I DID slow down," replied the driver.

        "But you didn't STOP -- it's a stop sign," the officer insisted.

        "But I DID slow down," the driver stubbornly argued.

        "But it's not a 'slow down' sign ... it's a STOP sign," argued back
the officer.

        After going back and forth with this several times, the officer
became agitated, grabbed the driver by the neck and dragged him out through
the open window. He then began to kick him and beat him with his night stick.

        After several kicks and whacks, and the driver's panic-stricken
screaming, the officer politely asked, "So do you want me to stop, or do you
want me to slow down?"

--contributed by my son, an officer of the law

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 20 Nov 1996 18:46:00 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: THE PLAN  (profane and scatalogical)

THE PLAN

In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."

And the Workers went unto their
Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of
dung and none may abide the odor
thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their
Directors, saying, "It is a container
of excrement and it is very strong,
such that none may abide it."

And the Supervisors went unto their
Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of
fertilizer and none may abide its
strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst
themselves, saying one to another, "It
contains that which aids plant growth
and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice
residents, saying, "It promotes
growth and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the
President, saying, "This new Plan
will actively promote the growth and
vigor of the company with powerful
effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan
and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

This is how Shit Happens.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Thu, 21 Nov 1996 10:18:27 +0900
From:    Pat Gooley <gooley@TMIC.TIT.AC.KR>
Subject: Underground ads

One of our students brought a copy of The Underground Exchange from Seoul a
week or two back.  All you Seoul brothers can get your own copies, but for
that half the population in the hinterlands, who are Seouless, perhaps a few
of these ads may intrigue you:

For sale: One adolescent llama.  Answers to the name of "Dali".  $2400
(Canadian) or one PowerMac Computer.

Wanted:  Naturalized Hispanic American to teach English with a Spanish accent.

Wanted:  Native English speaker to teach conversational English and clean
horse stables.  One-room hovel provided with $300/month (U.S.) for 50 hours
of work per day.  Call TIT (Tongmyong University of Information Technology)

Wanted: Any and all Elvis sightings in Seoul.  Will pay hard cash in any
denomination.

Need a roommate for 3 bedroom, 2 bath apartment with kitchen, dining room,
den and hot tub.  Must smoke and enjoy loud heavy metal.  Call Buster.

SWF looking for companionship.  Enjoy roller blading, war documentaries and
anagram games.  Hobbies include chess, bungy-jumping and amateur massage
therapy.  Must be sweet and handsome but a little on the slow side, say IQ
of 75-80.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 20 Nov 1996 20:44:41 -0500
From:    Chilton <bchilton@SUFFOLK.LIB.NY.US>
Subject: A Limmerick. (May be mildly offensive to the prudish)

                On the breast of a girl named Gail
                Was tatooed the price of her tail
                And on her behind
                for the sake of the blind
                was written the same thing in Braille

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 20 Nov 1996 20:23:47 CST6CDT
From:    John Olack <john@WUDCM.WUSTL.EDU>
Subject: long, offensive to piccolo players, mf-repeated; otherwise not s

the place is a rural southern church, the parishoners are poor farm
folk, and the sunday service is the single important cultural activity
in the community.  it's sunday, the little church is packed, the
temperature is sweltering and the parishoners are sweating.  the
preacher speaks:  "welcome to you all!  as you know, we're not well
-off enough to afford even a piano for our church.  but i have a
surprise for you today!  a piccolo player stopped by this morning and
offered to accompany us in song during the service.  if you all will
turn to hymn 34, he will accompany us now."  all turn to hymn 34
as does the piccolo player.

he says, "sorry.  i don't know that hymn."

"ok", says the preacher. "so let's turn to hymn 82." everyone does.

and again the piccolo player says, "sorry again! i don't know that
one either."  at this the preacher's eyes narrow a little as he
glances at the piccolo player.

"well, then," he says, "let's turn to hymn 44, 'amazing grace'.
EVERYone knows 'amazing grace", and he smiles out to his
congregation.  they all, including the piccolo player, turn to
'amazing grace'.

and (i'm sure you're way ahead of me) the visiting musician says
"sorry again!  can't say i've ever played it".

the church get's so quiet at this point, all you can hear are the
fans furriously whipping the air in an attempt to drive off the
hellish heat; the preacher, sweat oozing out of him like a garden
hose,  is glaring at the piccolo player when someone in the
church says, just loud enough for all to hear, "the piccolo
player is a mother fucker!".

now even the fanning stops and everyone is studying a spot on the
floor in front of them.  the preacher speaks up, " will the person
who called the piccolo player a motherfucker please stand?"  no
one moves..."if you're sitting next to the person who called him a
motherfucker, would you please stand up?" ...again nothing.

finally a fellow stands near the rear of the church and says, "i
didn't call the piccolo player a motherfucker.  i ain't even sitting
next to the man who called the piccolo player a motherfucker.  i
just want to know who called this motherfucker a piccolo player!".


(sorry it's so long.  i don't post much and this is an all-time
favorite of mine from many, many years ago.  jo)

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Thu, 21 Nov 1996 00:03:24 -0500
From:    Mario Catelotti <mcatelo1@NASC.MASS.EDU>
Subject: supermarket humor <clean, slightly suggestive>

hi all..   i work in the produce department of my local supermarket and
this was asked by a customer the other day..


Have you ever heard of honeymoon salad?

i told him that i hadn't, to which his reply was:

really? it's lettuce alone.  (let us alone)


i know, i know, it's bad... but i like it... :)


mario, boy of destiny.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Tue, 19 Nov 1996 08:10:25 GMT+1
From:    Mark Mostert 08-707 4886 <MMT@HK.MOBITEL.TELIA.SE>
Subject: Velly silly building site joke

On the site
An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site.  The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "You're in charge of sweeping,"  to the Irishman, "You're in charge
of shovelling," and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies.

"Now, I have to leave for a little while.  I expect you guys to make a
dent in that pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the
pile of sand is untouched.  He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep
any of it?" The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom.  You said the
Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't
find him."

So then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel.  You left the
Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile of
sand looking for the Chinese guy.  Just then, the Chinese guy springs out
from behind the pile of sand and yells 'SUPPLIES!"

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index