Digest for Tuesday, November 19, 1996

There are 11 messages totalling 339 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Pickles
  2. Wedding with a twist
  3. The Smurfs
  4. Some Interesting Trivia -- Part 4 Revised
  5. Law on the March
  6. The Hole (anatomically vulgar)
  7. Optimist and Pessimist
  8. 3 guys in Hell (mature theme - sort of)
  9. Bad Jokes
  10. Polish Army (Offensive to Polish people, but any group can be used)
  11. more "cracked" cartoons


Date:    Tue, 19 Nov 1996 12:08:58 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Pickles <informative>

 Every  pickle  you  eat  brings  you  nearer  to  death.
Amazingly,  the  "thinking  man"  has  failed  to  grasp  the
terrifying   significance   of   the   term, "in  a  pickle."
Although leading  horticulturists have long known that Cucmis
sativus  possesses  an  indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry
continues to expand.
Pickles  are  associated  with all the major diseases of
the  body.  For  example,  nearly  all sick people have eaten
pickles.  The effects are obviously cumulative:

                   1) 99.9%  of  all  people  who  die  from
                      cancer have eaten pickles.
                   2) 100%  of  all  soldiers   have   eaten
                   3) 96.9 % of all  Communist  sympathizers
                      have eaten pickles.
                   4) 99.7%  of  the  people involved in air
                      and auto accidents ate pickles  within
                     6 months preceding the accident.
                   5) 93.1%  of  juvenile  delinquents  came
                      from  homes  where pickles were served

Evidence  points  to  the  long-term  effects  of pickle
eating: Of  all  the  people born in 1839 who later dined on
pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers
continue  to  spread  their evil.  More than 120,000 acres of
fertile  U S  soil  are devoted to growing pickles.   Americans' per
capita annual consumption is nearly four pounds.
Alternative: Eat orchid  petal soup.  Practically no one
has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as one does
with eating pickles.
This life must be a test. If it were the real thing, they
would have given us clear and better instructions at birth.

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Date:    Tue, 19 Nov 1996 11:51:33 +0100
From:    Jana Persson <jana.persson@ATG.SE>
Subject: Wedding with a twist

         Wedding with a twist
This may not be your average punchline-joke, but it's such a humorous event
that  I thought I'd share it with you anyway. Let's hope it enrichens your
day somewhat .  /Jana

A bride and groom were joined together in holy matrimony at a very elegant
ceremony with over 300 guests attending.

The reception was held in one of the very best hotels in the city. The cake
had just been put forth as the groom stepped up to the microphone. He
informed the guests that he had a little extra something to present to
each one of them, and he asked them to look under their seats and to
remove the envelopes that were taped underneath.

There followed a great deal of rustling of chairs, tearing of envelopes and
sounds of excitement and anticipation among the crowd of people as they
were performing the task at hand. The groom waited patiently until the
room was silent enough to hear a feather landing on cotton.

Inside the envelope were, neatly stacked and in chronological order, very
explicit photographs of the bride and the best man, engaged in something
that in other circumstances would be considered a very natural thing for
two adults of the opposite sex to be engaged in.

The groom then graciously thanked everyone for coming and stepped down from
the podium, slowly but with great determination proceeding through the
room and out the main entrance.

The marriage was annulled the next day.

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Date:    Tue, 19 Nov 1996 09:26:56 -0600
From:    Chris Twichell <tazmania@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: The Smurfs

In response to Pat Gooley's posting of troubles in Toonland, I have another
scam that has long been overlooked.  And, yes, it does come from one of his
suggestions.  The culprit -- The Smurfs.  I mean, think about it.  This is a
communal village where all of the people have a specific function.  Handy
Smurf is an architect.  Papa Smurf is the leader of the village.  Everyone
has a job that they do.  Everyone, it would appear, except Smurfette.  What
does she do around the village?  Let's analyze this one a little farther.
The Smurf village consists of hundreds of male smurfs in their prime, and
one very attractive female smurf.  Could her job be as...say...the village

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Date:    Tue, 19 Nov 1996 09:46:41 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Some Interesting Trivia -- Part 4 Revised

The following revisions to Part 4 were offered by:

JIM MICA  <JMICA@oa.ithaca.edu> wrote:

>The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby
daughter, Ruth.              <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

One wonders why we would even care about this anymore.  The obvious answer
is that there is a great mythology built up around the Curtis Candy
Company's first use of this name in 1920.  They always claimed that it
had nothing to do with Babe Ruth, but was meant to honor the Presidential
daughter who had been "famous" at the turn of the century, but had been dead
for 16 years by 1920.  <SOURCE: Bryson, Bill   "Made In America: An Informal
History of the English Language in the United States"  New York: William
Morrow, 1994>
  On the other hand ... 1920 was when The Babe was traded by the Red Sox to
the Yankees, so his REALLY BIG days were still ahead of him.  But, on the
other hand again, some sources say that he wa VERY BIG already by this tim.
But, you could look up some of the debate at http://www.urbanlegends.com/bab

William A. Reitwiesner" <wrei@loc.gov> wrote:

>If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
>the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in
>the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if
>the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural

That's true only in *one* place in the world -- the statues at the
Gettysburg battlefield.  Everywhere else the number of legs the horse has
in the air is up to the sculptor and has no other meaning.

**Judging from the responses received to these posts, there must be a lot
of trivia buffs on this list**

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Date:    Tue, 19 Nov 1996 11:14:47 -0500
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March

And the Miss Congeniality Award Goes to . . .

Danielle House, the current Miss Canada International, was charged with
assault after she slugged another woman in a Newfoundland bar. After winning
the beauty contest, Ms. House returned to St. John and stopped in at a bar
called the Breezeway to have a few. There, she met up with an old boyfriend
and his new girlfriend. Sparks flew, and House landed a right hook that left
her rival with a chipped tooth and facial bruises. House doesn't think the
incident disqualifies her from symbolizing the Newfie female ideal. "I am
proud to represent this great country," she said.

Source: Boston Globe

Keep It Down, Padre.
You're Disturbing the Tourists

An Italian consumer group has complained to authorities that Catholic
churches are spreading God's message too loudly. The group, Codacons, says
two churches in the little coastal town blast out the Sunday mass through
loudspeakers, annoying residents and passers by.

Source: Reuters

Assault with a Dead Weapon

A 73-year-old man has been arrested because he refuses to keep his pants on.
Robert Norton of Pekin, IL was sentenced to the maximum sentence of 364 days
behind bars for resisting arrest in a confrontation with police after he went
outside wearing only a T-shirt. Judge Tom Ebel does not expect the sentence
to deter Norton, who has been arrested 13 times on similar charges. "He'll
get out. The weather will be warm. He'll be out there mowing his yard (naked)
again," said the judge. "I can't order the sheriff to take him out and hang
him or shoot him." The judge ordered Norton to stay dressed unless he's in
his own house or enclosed back yard.

Source: AP

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Date:    Tue, 19 Nov 1996 12:45:12 -0600
Subject: The Hole (anatomically vulgar)

Q: Why do men have that little hole on the end of their penis?   *
A: So they can get air to their brain                            *

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Date:    Tue, 19 Nov 1996 14:42:42 -0500
From:    Arlene & Peter <ar_phte@IDS.NET>
Subject: Optimist and Pessimist

With credit to James Branch Cabell:
The optimist claims that this is the best of all possible worlds.  The
pessimist heartily agrees.

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Date:    Tue, 19 Nov 1996 16:24:48 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: 3 guys in Hell (mature theme - sort of)


     Three guys found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and Jeff. A
     little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see
     a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest
     woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and
     you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

     The voice of the Devil was heard, "Bob, you have sinned! You
     are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"
     And Bob was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to
     his torment.

     This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both
     jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting
     example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous,
     covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

     The voice of the Devil was heard, "Dave, you have sinned!
     You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this
     woman!" And Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.

     Jeff, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the
     worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he
     strained to see the figure of...Cindy Crawford.

     Delighted, Jeff jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful
     woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of
     the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned..."

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Date:    Tue, 19 Nov 1996 20:30:24 +0100
From:    Sean Sutton <sutton@SURNET.ES>
Subject: Bad Jokes <clean>

Guy walks into a bar with a small reptile on his shoulder. Barman says,
"that's a nice looking reptile, what's it called?"

"Tiny," says the guy.

"Why d'you call him that?" asks the barman.

"Because he's my newt."


Guy walks into a barber's shop. He's got three hairs on the top of his
otherwise bald head. Sits down and the barber comes over and washes, dries
and carefully trims the three hairs.

"Does Sir wear a parting?" he asks.

"On the left."

So the barber carefully combs one hair to one side, but as he's combing the
other two over, -=ping!=- one drops out. After apologising profusely, the
barber asks again, "how would you like your hair parted?"

"Ah, in the middle I think."

So the barber carefully combs one to one side, but then... -=ping!=- the
other drops out. The guy's got one hair left! "I'm most terribly sorry, sir,
grovel, grovel, grovel. How would you like it now?"

The guy looks at himself in the mirror and says, "Don't bother -I'll wear my
hair wild."

[Told you they were bad jokes!!]

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Date:    Wed, 20 Nov 1996 00:54:31 GMT
From:    Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Polish Army (Offensive to Polish people, but any group can be used)

The Polish army has just acquired 10,000 septic tanks.
As soon as they figure how to drive them, they're going to invade Russia.

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Date:    Wed, 20 Nov 1996 00:18:29 -0600
Subject: more "cracked" cartoons

#1.  Sh-Ra.....come on, any woman who is that buff is
     also popin roids, besides her brother is her supplier,
     and any horse that can fly has got to be lit up on something!

#2.  Hagar the Horrible, i picture Hagar out on the lawn
     smoking some serious pot from a six foot bong.  after all,
     he does rampage through all the medevil castles stealing
     their stashes!

#3.  Calvin and Hobbes, this kid has found the paint and is inhaling
     for hours.  any kid that talks to his tiger and gets tackled
     by it has got to  be sniffing.  lets not forget all the memorable
     scenes of when his food becomes monsterous and tries to kill him.
     psychadelic overload.

#4.  Baby Blues,  any family that names their kids Zoe and Ham have
     got to be snortin snow through dollar bills.  someday a lawer
     will represent them in a "wrongfull name" suit.

#5.  Garfield, lets face it, Jon has nothign better to do except
     suck the crack pipe and talk to his pets.  every now and then
     he lets Odie take a hit or two.

#6.  Peanuts......Snoopy is just lit up on anything he can find,
     first, dogs don't sleep on their backs, and second and dog
     that DOES sleep on his back on a 12/12 pitch roof has got to
     be stoned, cuz any coherent individual doesn't have the proper
     equalibrium to perform this balancing act...his pop just drinks
     his life away, it's jack and coke for that beagle.

#7.  Tigger,  there have been many accusations about tigger, but
     i believe this behavior is due to his ADDS (attention deficit
     disorder syndrome) and low tolerance of Ridalin.  This cat
     needs Prozac!

#8.  Rabbit,  Everyone know what Rabbit does in his house, besides,
     he is always upset when people bother him, after all i would
     be upset if people kept interrupting me while my hash brownies
     were cooking.  and those aren't cooking spices he keeps, that
     is his dope supply, and those drums of so-called "honey" are
     merely his liquid cocain stashes.

#9.  Rudolph....red noses usually indicate a drinking problem.  if i
     were santa, i would have that particular take a breathalizer
     test.  drinking and flying are a deadly combination.

#10.  Jabber Jaw...this is a talking great white "wussy" shark who
      plays in a band.  something is fishy around here..(no pun intended)
      now who is to blame here, certainly not the shark, i blame the
      artist and the director.....two guys sittin around eatin hash
      brownies smokin some weed, watching a porno and dreaming up some
      concept for a new cartoon.  they obviously had the windows closed,
      and were inhaling the second hand smoke as well.  this is something
      Cheech and Chong would think up.

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