Digest for Monday, November 18, 1996

There are 13 messages totalling 468 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Blonde Joke
  2. Joke-Rated: class act
  3. Nun Humor (poss. off.)
  4. Sayings
  5. True story of a British Ambassador
  6. Some Interesting Trivia -- Part 4
  7. Farm Life
  8. Happy ending
  9. Top ten reasons studying is better than sex!
  10. an M.D. in Hades
  11. Joke-rated:Elementary,my dear Watson
  12. Microsoft Humor - clean
  13. A LITTLE SOMETHING TO PONDER IN YOUR SPARE TIME...


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Date:    Mon, 18 Nov 1996 02:54:34 -0500
From:    VAN ZYL JA <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Blonde Joke <Off. to Women>

Q : How do you find a blonde in long grass ?

A : Pleasing !

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Date:    Mon, 18 Nov 1996 14:06:00 PST
From:    RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/BZO <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-Rated: class act

     Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the
     following three conditions:
     1) $10.00 to do it on the grass.
     2) $20.00 to do it on a couch.
     3) $30.00 to do it in the bed.

     It's in the morning when a Mexican walks in and slaps a $10 bill on
     the table.  So they go out and do it on the grass.

     Around noon, an American walks in and slaps
     a $20 bill on the table. So they go for the couch and do it on there.

     About the end on the day, an Indian walks
     in and slaps $30 on the table.  Happy from seeing
     the money the prostitute says, "Wow,... you have class"

     The Indian responds, "Class my ass... Three times on the grass..

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Date:    Mon, 18 Nov 1996 13:34:00 EET
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@AZTEC.CO.ZA>
Subject: Nun Humor (poss. off.)

These come from a friend and fellow humor fundi, Thea Coetzee...
----------------------------------------------
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.  Peter asks the
first if she has ever sinned.  "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she
said.  "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven,"
Peter told her.  Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.  "Put your hand in this holy
water and you may enter heaven," he said.  Just then the fourth nun pushed
ahead of the third nun.  Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
-----------------------------------------------
     The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope.  Grumpy, for once,
seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the
church, and in particular, nuns.
     "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
     "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
     "Are you sure?  I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
about my height?  Maybe a little shorter?"
     "I'm afraid not.  Why do you ask?"
     "No reason."  Pause.  "Positive?  Nobody in a habit that's about three
feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
     "I'm sure."
     "Okay."
     Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.  So he
listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
     "What'd he say?  What'd he say?"  chant the other six dwarfs.
     Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
     And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin!  Grumpy
fucked a penguin!  Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....
-------------------------------------------
     A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized
halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation
was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come
to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
 After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not
going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and
they discussed their predicament in great depth.
     Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to
die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on
earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I
can look at you?"
     The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed
to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked,
"Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked,
either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
     With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
     The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If
I put it in you, it creates a new life."
     "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
-----------------------------------------
     Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the
pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a
collection of lights and bells.
     St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to
answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
     St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"
     1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
     The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
     St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
     2nd nun : "An apple"
     The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
     And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
     St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
     After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
     The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!
------------------------------------------------------
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver.  She says to the bus driver
she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies.  The bus driver
agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with
anyone who is married as that would be a sin.  The bus driver says No
problem, he is not married.  The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so
she will have to take it in the ass.  The bus driver agrees again. Being the
only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of
business.  When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister,
I have a confession to make.  I am married and have three children".  The
nun replies: "Thats OK.  I have a confession too:  My name is Dave, and I am
on my way to a costume party".
=================================================
Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-)
If you love life and crave experience, why not share those of others who
would share them with you!  To quote the proverbial bathroom wall:
"For a great time call:" _majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org_   In the subject
and body, type "subscribe nerdnosh"        You'll love it!

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Date:    Mon, 18 Nov 1996 15:45:03 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Sayings <clean>

It is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore. (Yogi Berra)

When you talk to me, shut up! (Leo Rosten)

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book:
I'll waste no time reading it. (Moses Hadas)

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford
an operation, he touched up the X-rays. (Joey Bishop)

The  brain is  a  wonderful  organ. It starts working the  moment
you get up in the  morning  and does not stop until you get into
the office. (Robert Frost)

My mother and father were first cousins.
That's why I look so much alike. (Unknown)
---------------------------------
No, I don't give refunds for bad jokes.

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Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 0105 14:52:24 PST
From:    Joseph Stone <joseph@BCOLL.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: True story of a British Ambassador <NOT off. to British - I am one!>

Here is another True Story....

*note* - CBC = Canadian Broadcasting Company (a Canadian TV station).

  In the weeks before Christmas the British ambassador in Canada received
a phone call from the CBC. The CBC rep. on the other end of the line thanked
the ambassadorfor his prompt arrival at interviews etc, and for a generally
good year. The ambassador returned the thanks.  Then the CBC rep. asked the
ambassador what he wanted for Christmas. Thinking that he might get into
trouble if he accepted a gift the ambassador said that he didn't think that
it was a very good idea. However, The CBC rep. insisted, and in the end the
ambassador said that he wanted a small box of crystallised fruits. The CBC
rep seemed a little puzzled at this answer but they ended the conversation
and the ambassador thought nothing more of it.
  Later that month, on Boxing Day, the ambassador was sitting watching the
news on TV with his family when he saw this item at the end:
  "Before Christmas we asked three foreign ambassadors what they
wanted for Christmas. The French ambassador said that he wanted world
peace and an end to suffering, the German ambassador said that he wanted
a cure for cancer and the British ambassador said that he wanted a
small box of crystallised fruits....."

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Date:    Mon, 18 Nov 1996 09:59:18 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Some Interesting Trivia -- Part 4

Thanks to: Ken Prentice <prentice@peterboro.net>

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the
cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog
throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's
mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's
contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they
rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar
with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous
transatlantic flight.

Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if
he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in
the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if
the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon
features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the
movie. (Error here, Sleeping Beauty also has both parents surviving in
the
film.)

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left
hand.

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby
daughter, Ruth.

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same
sex.

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its
eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.

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Date:    Mon, 18 Nov 1996 08:20:00 PST
From:    Howard, Dan <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Farm Life

There was this young boy who was being raised on the farm.  Everyday before
breakfast, he was required to perform chores.  After his chores were
completed, his mother would make him a large breakfast then off to school he
would go.

One morning, he decided he did not WANT to do his chores.  He went down the
steps to the kitchen and demanded of his mother to serve him breakfast.  She
replied, "Oh, no, son...I will fix you breakfast AFTER you do you chores."

The son was MAD.  Outside he went, slamming the door behind him.  He walks
over to the chickens, throws them their feed and KICKS the last chicken.

He walks over to the pigs, throws them their slop and KICKS the last pig.

Next he goes to the cows, milks them all and KICKS the last cow.

He returns to the kitchen only to find his mother very angry with him.  She
said, "I SAW what you did young man; you kicked the last chicken -NO EGGS
FOR YOU; you kicked the last pig - NO BACON FOR YOU; you kicked the last cow
 - NO MILK FOR YOU!"

With that the father comes down the stairs.  The Mother's cat races past him
almost tripping the father on the last step.  The father hawls off and kicks
the cat.

The son looks up to the mother and says, "Should I tell him or should you??"

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Date:    Mon, 18 Nov 1996 12:15:31 EST
From:    Jenni Spinner <JENNIFER_SPINNER@INTCHI10.CCMAIL.COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Happy ending <clean>

This is taken from a series of ads by Domtar, a paper company:

".....and that's when I realized that Old Yeller, my most loyal friend, the dog
that had saved my mama and my little brother and me from bears and wolves and
wild boars, had rabies. My arms were shaking and my eyes were blurry with tears
as I raised my rifle and aimed it right between Old Yeller's big, trusting eyes.
And then, as my finger tightened on the trigger, I discovered that my best
friend wasn't really rabid at all but had just been eating some soap, so I
hugged that big yeller dog and he licked my face and we wrestled around in the
grass and then ran off into the sunset together.

THE END"

more to come later.....
_____________________________________________________________________

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Date:    Mon, 18 Nov 1996 20:40:22 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Top ten reasons studying is better than sex!

  This message is in MIME format.  The first part should be readable text,
  while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools.
  Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info.

--------------B4A2AE6A9C
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=us-ascii
Content-ID: <Pine.SUN.3.90.961118121847.9099O@minotaur.uwimona.edu.jm>

    * You can usually find someone to do it with.
    * If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where
      you left off.
    * You can finish early without feelings of guild or shame.
    * When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has
      opened it.
    * A little coffee and you can do it all night.
    * If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a
      "book teaser".
    * You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.
    * You don't get embarassed if your parents interrupt you in the
      middle.
    * You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
    * If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your
      roommate for help!


--------------B4A2AE6A9C--

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Date:    Mon, 18 Nov 1996 21:55:02 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: an M.D. in Hades

 A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his
 soul's eternal afterlife. Unfortunately he'd been a bit of a lout, a quack,
 and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect. Upon his
 arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor
 that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that
 because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather hellish.
 Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical
 proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the
 spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various
 tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to
 mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened door #3
 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on
 hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing
 caps! He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and proclaimed, "I'll take door
 #3!" "Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's
 NURSES' Hell!"

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Date:    Tue, 19 Nov 1996 09:21:00 PST
From:    RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/BZO <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-rated:Elementary,my dear Watson

  "Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three
  women eating bananas on a park bench.

  "Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied,
  "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just
  passed."

  "Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

  "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding
  it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly
  break the fruit into small pieces."

  "The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and
  crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

  "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third
  was a newlywed?"

  "Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it
  with the other."

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Date:    Mon, 18 Nov 1996 23:14:08 -0500
From:    Sarah W. Soderlund <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Microsoft Humor - clean

"One of Microsoft's tech support reps was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the
rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired
several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all
attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech rep looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He
looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over
the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The
end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area:
"It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

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Date:    Tue, 19 Nov 1996 15:10:38 +0900
From:    Pat Gooley <gooley@TMIC.TIT.AC.KR>
Subject: A LITTLE SOMETHING TO PONDER IN YOUR SPARE TIME... <drugs>

>Return-Path: <kenneth@tmic.tit.ac.kr>
>>From: aspen **cyber girl** <alagman@osf1.gmu.edu>
>>X-Sender: alagman@mason2.gmu.edu
>>To: Multiple recipients of list DCRAVES <DCRAVES@AMERICAN.EDU>
>>     Top Ten Drug Using Cartoon Suspects:
>>
>>10. Gargamel
>>Most likely LSD.  spends his life in pursuit of little blue
>>guys in faggy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat.  what does he
>>plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
>>
>>9. Olive Oil
>>Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines.  Who is that  skinny?!
>>she might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her
>>burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popey and
>>Brutus thinking?    They almost  made the list for courting her.
>>
>>8. Snagglepuss
>>Can't explain it.  Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is
>>   suspicious.
>>
>>7. Heman
>> This is an easy one.  I mean c'mon.  Roid monkey #1.  "BY THE
>>POWER OF  ANABOL!!!!!!"  Makes me want to root for Skeletor.  Alone in
>>his  castle, hitting the weights.  And on top of that he even
>>injects the shit in his pet tiger.  Animal Abuse.
>>
>>6.&5.  Yogi and Boo Boo
>>We all know what is really in those picnic baskets.  They go
>>back to the cave and trip.  Another side ? - Are they gay?  I mean,
>>take a look at boo boo.
>>
>>4.  Droopy
>>The number one downer abuser in toon land.  Can't someone slip
>>him an upper every year or two?  The only time I ever saw him happy is
>>when he sees the picture of the babe.
>>
>>3.  Dopey Dwarf
>>He openly admits it.  The other dwarfs deny involvement but
>>they are under investigations.  Allegations that Doc is writing some
>>extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys are partaking are afloat.
>>
>>2.  Daffy Duck
>>If he isn't using crack, Merion Barry is clean.  He is so wired he
>>     bounces around on his head without pain.  Blows his beak off
>>all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol
>>wouldn't work for him. Might for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky though.
>>
>>1.   Shaggy
>> By far the #1 suspect.  His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee,
>>the boy converses with dogs.  But all of this is nothing until you go
>>to the  Munchie Factor.  Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed
>>per episode does pot.
>>
>>     And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van!
>>************************************************************************
>>********
>>Ok that was kinda humourous but i think that there are other characters in
>>toonland that should be looked into as well..
>> any suggestions.....
>>post them...
>>
>>Smurfette........I am thinking she was permently  "E"ing
>> and what about Goofy?
>>and Donald
>>and
>>Just How do you think Uncle scrooge makes his millions........Do i hear
>>soemone say "king pin!"

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