Digest for Saturday, November 16, 1996

There are 8 messages totalling 352 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Goofs Conclusion (clean)
  2. Some Interesting Trivia -- Part 3
  3. Use of IBM (off. to African natives, IBM, advertising people)
  4. Cancelling Music Service
  5. Some Interesting Trivia -- Part 2
  6. hemorrhoids
  7. for Joseph Stone
  8. In The News - American politics, talk shows, B of A


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Date:    Sat, 16 Nov 1996 12:59:00 EET
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@AZTEC.CO.ZA>
Subject: Goofs Conclusion (clean)

FOREIGN GOOFS

"Bite the wax tadpole." -- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." -- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes
Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"I am a jelly doughnut" --English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at
the Berlin Wall

"We pray for MacArthur's erection." --sign erected by Japanese citizens in
Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." --from a guest
directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." --Perdue chicken ad, as
mistranslated abroad

MISCELLANEOUS
"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to
that." --Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been
exposing himself to the people of the United States."
--Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18
inch penis, as described in an add. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize
for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused." --correction printed in The
Daily Californian

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls
off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing
for the Padres!" --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and
then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your
hands?" --announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience

They X-Rayed my head and found nothing. --Jerome "Dizzy" Dean

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this
century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this
century." -Dan Quayle
=================================================
Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-)
If you love life and crave experience, why not share those of others who
would share them with you!  To quote the proverbial bathroom wall:
"For a great time call:" _majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org_   In the subject
and body, type "subscribe nerdnosh"        You'll love it!

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Date:    Sat, 16 Nov 1996 08:45:41 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Some Interesting Trivia -- Part 3

Thanks to: Ken Prentice <prentice@peterboro.net>


If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but
more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the
bottom.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford
English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
The only other word with the same amount of letters is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the
largest anagrams.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los
Angeles de Porciuncula."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig
farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint
Oreo.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's
Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who
fathered over 160 children.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to
swallow.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered
blood donors.

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Date:    Sat, 16 Nov 1996 10:22:16 -0500
From:    Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Use of IBM (off. to African natives, IBM, advertising people)

>KABINDA, ZAIRE--In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the
>company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti,
>a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem
>yesterday to crush a nut.
>
>Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily
>cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.
>
>"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who
>added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With
>IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking,
>28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his
>southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows
>African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese
>schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he
>believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
>
>IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to
>provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our
>telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global
>networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross,
>IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an
>Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has
>the ideas to get you where you want to go today."
>
>According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most
>impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several
>minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on
>a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not
>break. It is a good modem."
>
>Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of-
>the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a
>quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking
>connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer
>system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of
>the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.
>
>"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured
>gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device.
>"I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard."
>Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking
>the computer's 200-page owner's manual.
>
>IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased
>that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said
>company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is
>bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly
>creating a global village."

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Date:    Sat, 16 Nov 1996 09:25:05 -0600
From:    John West <jwwest@UALR.EDU>
Subject: Cancelling Music Service

This is the actual letter I sent to cancel my music service.  I figured
whoever reads these got tired of "please cancel my subscription" over
and over again....

February 1, 1995

Dear BMG,

I have not been looking forward to this moment, but I think we both felt
it was coming.  I've enjoyed the time we've been together, but for the
last month or so, the magic has been gone.  No, don't cry, it's nothing
you've done.  It's me.  When we first met, and you offered all those
CD's for such a small price, I thought my dreams had come true.  But
now.... oh I don't know, it just isn't the same.  It's true you've
offered some great deals, 2 for 1, $4.99 unlimited CD's, but it's just a
commitment I can't continue.

Wait...there's more.  I've been, uh...purchasing CD's from another
place.  It's a used CD place.  I tried not to, but, they were there,
easy to get to, I didn't have to wait, hoping there would be a
sale....they were...reasonable priced.

Don't worry.  There are others out there who will love what you have to
offer.  It's just...not what's right for me.  I hope I haven't led you
on, by sending back the cards asking not to send me the special, and yet
giving the false impression that I might buy it next time.

Take care, be strong, I will always remember you.

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Date:    Mon, 11 Nov 1996 11:38:39 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Some Interesting Trivia -- Part 2

Forwarded from my son, Jay.

* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each
  gallon of diesel that it burns.

* Maine is the only state that borders on only one state.

* The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.'

* The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in sixteen
  rows.

* The famous split-fingered Vulcan salute is actually intended to
  represent the first letter ("shin," pronounced "sheen") of the
  word "shalom."   As a small boy, Leonard Nimoy observed his rabbi
  using it in a benediction   and never forgot it; eventually he was
  able to add it to "Star Trek" lore.

* The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the
  South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber
  machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into
  the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the
  whole 9 yards."

* The term the "Boogey Man will get you" comes from the Boogey
  people,who still inhabit an area of Indonesia. These people still
  act as pirates today and attack ships that pass. Thus the term spread
  "if you don't watch   out the Boogey man will get you."

* The longest U.S. highway is route 6 starting in Cape Cod,
  Massachusetts going through 14 states, and ending in Bishop, California...

* "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins
  and ends with the letters "und."

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Date:    Sat, 16 Nov 1996 12:52:09 PST
From:    D S Paull <dljbs@JUNO.COM>
Subject: hemorrhoids

Heard this on TV this past week:

Two out of three persons suffer from hemorrhoids, the other one enjoys
it.

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Date:    Sat, 16 Nov 1996 13:38:12 EST
From:    Richard V. Gilpin <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: for Joseph Stone

A man walks into a bar in Marrakesh.  The bartender asks, "Why the long fez?"

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Date:    Sat, 16 Nov 1996 11:50:45 -0800
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - American politics, talk shows, B of A

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times

WARNING - may be offensive to blacks, men, especially old men, women,
the Army, Avis, Texaco, the KKK (huummm, a connection?), California
turkeys, New Yorkers and Boston College football players.

Well folks, welcome to another weekend. Last weekend it was so hot here
in Southern California, the Thanksgiving turkeys started plucking
themselves.

President Clinton's staff is still leaving. He's considering using some
Republicans to fill the spots. At least he won't have to order
background checks - he already has FBI files on every Republican in
Washington.

Two days after the election, NASA launched a rocket toward Mars, which
reminds me - has anybody seen Ross Perot lately?

Evander Holyfield TKO'd Mike Tyson in a Las Vegas fight. He brought
Tyson to his knees, a feat previously accomplished by only one other
fighter, and his ex-wife. The fight was delayed briefly in the second
round while the referee had to explain to Tyson that fights sometimes
HAVE second rounds.

A guest on the Jenny Jones Show was convicted of murdering a fellow
guest. Next on Jenny Joney: Talk Show Guest Murderers and Why We Watch
Them.

Thousands of military women have called the complaint line as the Army
sex harassment scandal widens. Seems as though some of the officers
have lost control of their privates.

Avis is being sued by African Americans who say they've been neglected,
forced to wait and denied good cars. Legal experts say it will be hard
to prove they were treated any differently. What makes it so bad for
Avis - they told blacks to go wait at Denny's while they completed the
paperwork.

Texaco says no, no, no - that isn't the "N" word being used on a tape
of a racially charged discussion about employees. They were talking
about St. Nicholas. Yeah, and Newt didn't call Hillary Clinton a name,
he was talking about his favorite TV show, Bewitched.

There was a huge explosion and fire at a Texaco refinery. Well, that's
gonna happen when you burn the cross too close to a tank. (Leno)

Here's a real nightmare: You're a black woman trying to rent a car from
Avis, you get gas at Texaco so you can drive down to the recruiting
station to join the Army. (Leno)

Scientists at JPL propose a mission to gather ice from Europa, a moon
of Jupiter. That's what happens when the budget director refuses to
allot money for an office refrigerator.

A new book says 93 year old Senator Strom Thurmond sexually harassed
Senator Patty Murray in an elevator two years ago. This could get him
10 years for assault with a dead weapon.

Mel Gibson's new movie "Ransom" is about a father forced to pay a
fortune to ensure a life for his son. The original title was "Tuition".

Under guidelines proposed by TV producers, TV shows with sex would be
labeled "S" and shows with violence would be labeled "V". Shows with
neither would still be labeled "Canceled".

Boston College suspended 13 football players for illegally betting on
games. They'll still be going to the Rose Bowl - the Pete Rose Bowl.

Bank of America is increasing the transaction cost at its ATM's. There
is a slight change of procedure at each location - instead of tearing
off the receipt from the machine, it rips YOU off.

Rangers at Yellowstone say a record 70 grizzly bear cubs have been born
this year. A male grizzly assumes much the same parental rola as a
human father - he spends most of the time asleep in the den.

Officials of the New York subway system are promoting courtesy among
riders. They're trying to replace the old motto: Let your finger do the
talking.

And finally, a survey indicates that the number one gift adults will
receive this Christmas will be abdominal exercise gadgets, which means
1997 will be a busy year for garage sales...

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