Digest for Wednesday, November 13, 1996

There are 12 messages totalling 432 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Accident!! (perhaps off. to older women)
  2. Mens Restroom Etiquette! (non-offensive)
  3. Law on the March
  4. Law on the March
  5. Catabolic engine (Off. to cat-lovers and animal rightsists)
  6. Funny quote from a phone call yesterday
  7. Clinton
  8. feels like heaven but your living in hell
  9. Could I please?
  10. Vent comment from Mondays Atlanta Constitution
  11. A Walk


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Date:    Wed, 13 Nov 1996 11:22:00 EET
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@AZTEC.CO.ZA>
Subject: <No subject given>

Hillbilly Humor (originally from: Brandy @ uoregon.edu)
---------------
Dear Son,

   I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.  We don't live
where we did when you left.  Your dad read in the paper where the most
accidents happened within twenty miles of home,...so we moved.

   I wont be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that
lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't
have to change their address, wish I would have thought of that.

   This place has a washing machine.  The first day I put four shirts in it,
pulled the chain, and haven't seen 'em since.  It only rained twice this
week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

   The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little
too heavy to send in the mail with those heavy buttons, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.

   We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last
payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

   About your sister, she had a baby this morning.  I haven't found out
whether it is a boy or a girl so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle, yet.

   Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat.  Some of the men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off and drowned.  We cremated him, and he burned
for about 3 days.

    Three of your friends when off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving,
the other two were in the back. The driver got out.  He rolled down the
window and swam to safety.  The other two drowned.  They couldn't get the
tailgate down in time.

Not much more news this time, nothing much happened.

                                        Love, Mom.

P.S. I WAS GOING TO SEND YOU MONEY, but the envelope was already sealed.
====================
The Importance Of Correct Punctuation (from: Games Magazine, 1984)
---------------
Dear John:
    I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings
whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria

Dear John:
    I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and
inferior.  You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no
feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let
me be?
Yours, Gloria
====================
T-shirts:

51% Sweetheart, 49% Bitch...
Don't Push Me!

C.P.A.
Certified Pain In The Ass

Don't Ask Me!
I've Got 2 Balls But Neither Of Them Are Crystal!

When I woke up this morning I had one nerve left
And now you're getting on it!

I got this T-Shirt for my HUSBAND...
GOOD TRADE, HUH?
=================================================
Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-)
If you love life and crave experience, why not share those of others who
would share them with you!  To quote the proverbial bathroom wall:
"For a great time call:" _majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org_   In the subject
and body, type "subscribe nerdnosh"        You'll love it!

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Date:    Wed, 13 Nov 1996 07:24:56 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Accident!! (perhaps off. to older women)

 A guy was driving down the road in his car. A prostitute walks out in
 front of him. He smacks her with the bumper of his car and knocks her
 down. He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady
 lying on her back on the road. She is groaning in pain. She mumbles "I
 think I'm blind."  "I think I'm blind." Quickly the guy holds three of
 his fingers up in front of her and says, "How many fingers do I have
 up?"  " Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralyzed too, am I ?"

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Date:    Wed, 13 Nov 1996 07:46:52 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Men's Restroom Etiquette! (non-offensive)

Men's Restroom Etiquette

  Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty.
  There IS a code of "Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed.
  ===============================================
  The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.
  An X above the number will indicate "in use."
  (Sample):

   |   |   | x |   |   | x |     (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6
   | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |     are occupied.)
   -------------------------
  You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at
  which stall you are to stand.  Good luck!
   --------------------
     Easy Section
   --------------------
  1.)

   |   | x |   | x |   |   |     (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)
   | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   -------------------------
  Your choice: ___
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer: 6        It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy
                           instinctively knows this.
  ===============================================
  2.)

   | x |   |   |   |   |   |    (Urinal 1 occupied.)
   | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   -------------------------
  Your choice:  ___
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer: 6        Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a
                           greater risk of being next to someone
                           who arrives later.
  ===============================================
   -------------------------
   Kind of tricky Section:
   -------------------------
  3.)

   |   |   |   |   |   |   |   (empty)
   | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   --------------------------
  Your choice:  __
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer:  1 or 6    You are tacitly saying,
                             "I don't want anyone next to me."
  ===============================================
  4.)
    |   | x |   | x |   | x |       (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
    | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
    -------------------------
  Your choice:  ___
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer:  1        You're stuck being next to at
                            least ONE guy, so you minimize the
                            impact and get a wall on your left.
                            NEVER go between TWO guys if you
                            can help it.  Exceptions to this
                            are stadium restrooms where the
                            herd thunders in.
  ===============================================
   -----------------------------------------------
   Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
   -----------------------------------------------
  5.)
  |   | x |   |   | x | x |          (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
  | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   -------------------------
  Your choice:  __
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer:  4       Believe it or not,  1 and 3 "couples"
                           you with the guy in stall 2.  And we
                           wouldn't want THAT now, would we?

                           This differs from question 4 in such a
                           subtle way that the nuances cannot be
                           explained.  Suffice to say, only we men
                           would understand!
  ===============================================
   -----------------------------
   VERY tricky indeed Section
   -----------------------------
  6..)
  | x | x |   |   | x | x |          (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
  | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   -------------------------
  Your choice:  ___
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer:  NONE!  You go to the mirror and pretend to
                          comb your hair or straighten a tie
                          until the urinals "open up" a bit more.
                          If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for
                          god's sake! ... use a doored stall.
  ===============================================
  Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
   -- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep
      it terse and unemotional.  This ain't no clubhouse.
   -- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of
      anyone other than yourself.  A touch of another's elbow is of
      the highest offense.
   -- NO Singing.  Period.
   -- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see
      you there.  I will not look again".

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Date:    Wed, 13 Nov 1996 09:20:01 -0500
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March

Please Take My Card,
If You Ever Need Anything
In the Way of Armed Robbery

A courteous thief left a business card after robbing a Winn-Dixie store in
DeBary, FL.
Tracy S. Preisler, 33,  handed the supermarket clerk $2 for a pack of
cigarettes. Once the cash register opened, he pushed the clerk and grabbed an
undetermined amount of cash. As Preisler was leaving the store, a business
card fell out of his pocket. Investigators called a handwritten phone number
on the back of the card
and discovered it belonged to a woman who met Preisler hours before the
robbery.  The two had exchanged numbers. Preisler was charged with robbery
and assault.

Source: Daytona Beach News-Journal
(Norma Dean e-mailed this to me. I haven't seen the original story.)

---------------------

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Date:    Wed, 13 Nov 1996 09:20:25 -0500
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March

Finally, a Reason to Care
about Princess Di

Princess Diana Spencer of England is featured in 27 questions in the new
 edition of the Trivial Pursuit game, more than anyone else. The question
writers explained that they used her so much because she has "such a trivial
lifestyle."

Source: WCGY Radio
--------------------------------

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Date:    Wed, 13 Nov 1996 09:20:16 -0500
From:    Robert Bragner <robertb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Catabolic engine (Off. to cat-lovers and animal rightsists)

Stephen Webster <farside@MAILBOX.UQ.EDU.AU> recently posted a "Stephen Wright
quote" that asked "If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always
land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and
drop it?"

After a great deal of experimentation, in which I used up two loaves of Wonder
Bread, a tub of Land 'O Lakes butter, and quite a few cats, I can say that the
results are inconclusive. 80% of the time, the cat landed on its feet. I
suspected however that this might be due to the disproportion in the
cat/buttered-toast masses. Increasing the number of slices of buttered toast
as well as decreasing the size of the cat seemed to bear this supposition out.
The closer the relative weights of cat:buttered toast approached 1:1, the more
the initial drop configuration (ie cat up or down) seemed to influence the
landing. My conclusion was that buttered toast didn't work.

My observations however inspired me to try strapping two cats back-to-back and
dropping them. I discovered that if you work from a sufficient height (a
second-story balcony seems to do nicely), 30% of the time (on average) one of
the cats landed on its feet; however in the other 70% of the trials, the two
cats landed on their sides. This confirmed my observations (of the
cat+buttered toast experiments) that the assemblage was capable of *rotating
under its own power as it fell*. In other words, angular momentum was being
generated and this suggested that, if it could be harnessed, it might prove to
be a source of (relatively) clean and cheap energy.

I tested this hypothesis a few times with FOUR cats strapped to a 4-by-4 beam
dropped from a height of ten meters. Unfortunately the muscular energy of just
four cats proved to be insufficient to cause the mass of the beam to rotate at
all. An 8-cp (eight cat-power) assemblage with a four-cat array strapped at
either end of such a beam should, in theory, work; but trials have revealed
that, with this many cats involved, their individual efforts to land
feet-first are cancelled out because the cats don't all try to right
themselves in the same direction or at the same time. Although some angular
motion does occur, it is erratic at best.

I intend to continue this research by experimenting with lighter,
composite-material beams and also with better ways of timing and coordinating
cat-effort delivery and will be getting on with it just as soon as the
suspicions of the neighborhood's (former) cat-owners have been allayed and a
new supply of cats is available.

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Date:    Wed, 13 Nov 1996 10:04:45 -0600
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Funny quote from a phone call yesterday

"Can you hold on a second? I think my dog's eating a pillow."
                                                        -- Sue Hickam

Incidentally, I have a lot of jokes at
        http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html#humor

God bless,
        Ian
........................................................................
Ian Chai <chai@uiuc.edu>                 http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai

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Date:    Tue, 12 Nov 1996 09:18:31 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: Clinton

What did Clinton do when they layed the Abortion Bill on his desk?


Paid it!

-- Thanks to Melinda

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Date:    Wed, 13 Nov 1996 14:08:22 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: feels like heaven but your living in hell

It turns out that Heaven isn't above Hell, but rather, Heaven and
Hell share the same plane and are separated only by a long wooden
fence.

One day, the Devil decides to throw this huge bash. Lots of bands
perform with some of the biggest names, and the Damned start having
a heck of a party.  Toward the end of festivities, a big fireball
fight breaks out and, sure enough, one lands on the fence and burns
it down.

God complains to the Devil and insists that the Devil rebuild the
fence.

The Devil says, "Sure, no problem.  I've got all the union leaders
over here as well as most of the building contractors."

So, the fence is rebuilt but it's three feet to one side so that Hell
has taken over three feet of Heaven. God is MAD.

"If you don't move that fence back," yells God, "I'm gonna sue you."

"Yeah, right," says the Devil.  "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?"

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Date:    Wed, 13 Nov 1996 15:10:57 -0500
From:    Susie Cua <Susie_Cua@TSCORP.COM>
Subject: Could I please? <suggestive>

 I know I haven't known you for a very long time and I shouldn't be asking
 you for this so soon, but I need it very badly.

 I haven't had it for a long time and I can already feel it going in good
 and hard and coming out nice and soft.  If you would do this for me, no
 one would ever know.  I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very
 grateful if you would.  I am very desperate and I need your help.

 You must think I have a lot of nerve, but I can feel my tongue wrapping
 around it and sucking out all the juice until it's very dry.  It has been
 on my mind all day and I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore.

 Do you have a piece of gum?

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Date:    Wed, 13 Nov 1996 19:55:58 EST
From:    Bill <EDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Vent comment from Monday's Atlanta Constitution

I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of
her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.

In the bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for Dummies"
Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce? Aren't
there enough of them on the roads now?

After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the
exclusive clubs you resigned from?

This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop
for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.

I went out today and bought everything I've been wanting, because now
that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to
take care of the middle class.

The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know
everything.

I really feel sorry for Madonna's baby, having to grow without a last
name.

Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply
their mascara?

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making
meetings end.

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Date:    Wed, 13 Nov 1996 21:11:27 -0500
From:    Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: A Walk <Clean>

Santa Claus is walking down the street with a smart blonde and a dumb
blonde.  They all see a hundred dollar bill lying in the street.  Which one
bends down to pick it up?

The dumb blonde.  the other two don't exist!
Jerry

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