Digest for Friday, November 08, 1996

There are 13 messages totalling 500 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Vocabulary Update
  2. Fishing Trip
  3. She got it backwards
  4. Longer Legs
  5. Various (separate warnings)
  6. parrots
  7. Football prayer
  8. politics
  9. The Face lift
  10. Sunshine Death Star Daycare Center
  11. Anatomic riddle
  12. Sexual Humor, Bad Language
  13. Law on the March


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Date:    Fri, 8 Nov 1996 00:03:01 -0800
From:    K-A <miette@AMUG.ORG>
Subject: Vocabulary Update <clean>

in the spirit of Cereal Killer's Computer Industry Acronyms...
[author unknown]

Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.  "I've been
dilberted       again.  The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this
week."
Beepilepsy: The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go
        off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy
facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Link Rot: The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as
the sites       they're connected to change location or die.
Chip Jewelry: A euphamism for old computers destined to be scrapped or
turned  into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and
now     it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Crapplet: A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted
30      minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Plug-and-Play: A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy,
John, is
        great. He's totally plug-and-play."
CGI Joe: A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and
charisma        of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome: Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by
addictive       substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six
hours surfing   the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating an online service's rule
of      conduct.  "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse
arrest."
Glazing: Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular
pastime at      conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that
half the        room was glazing by the second session?"
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not
Found,"         meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located.
"Don't  bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Dead Tree Edition: The paper version of a publication available in both
paper and       electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San
Francisco       Chronicle..."
Egosurfing: Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers
looking for the mention of your name.
Graybar Land: The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's
processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across
        the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to
that CAD rendering."
Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird: To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent
are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Cobweb Site: A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long
time.  A        dead web page.
It's a Feature: From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used
sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss
over.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer
keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This ne has a bad case
        of keyboard plaque."
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an
office or       work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Tourists: People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation
from their      jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the
rest were       tourists."
Blowing Your Buffer: Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person
you are         speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just
said    something so astonishing that your train gets derailed.  "Damn, I
just blew       my buffer!"
Gray Matter: Older, experienced business people hired by young
entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Bookmark: To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor
borrowed from   web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo
at Siggraph."
Nyetscape: Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

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Date:    Fri, 8 Nov 1996 04:06:56 -0500
From:    VAN ZYL JA <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Fishing Trip  <Adult>

One Saturday morning,Glen decided to go fishing.

He sat there for hours,but nothing.The bottle whiskey
that he've took with him,was also empty.He throw the
empty bottle into pieces against a nearby rock.

All of a sudden,there was something on the hook.He
pulled the fish out of the water.The only fish for
the day so far.The fish was so small,Glen decided to
throw it back.

The little fish was so exited,to such an extend,that
it decided to give Glen one wish.

He asked the little fish for some more whiskey.The
fish said,"Allright then,when you're urinating,it
will be pure whiskey."

So Glen sat there,and wonder,can this really be ?
Glen took a glass and urinate in it.It was pure,pure
whiskey.

A while later,a women,who was standing nearby,comes
to him and asks,"sir are you allright ? I saw you
drinking your own piss."no,said Glen,it's whiskey.

The women laughed.He urinate into the glass,and gave
it to her.She could'nt believe it.

So they sat there almost for the rest of the day,
drinking whiskey.

After about the seventh double,she asks Glen for a
nother one.He looked her in the eye,throw the glass
into pieces against the rock and said "What about drinking
out of the bottle ?"

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Date:    Fri, 8 Nov 1996 14:16:25 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: She got it backwards <Adult. Off. to Greeks>

A girl, who had led a very sheltered life, gets married to a Greek
man. The day of the wedding, her mother tells her: "Tonight, you are
going to have sex with your husband. This is how it should be.
However, Greeks are known for certain proclivities that you do not
need to know about. Suffice to say that, if he ask you to turn
around, you firmly refuse. Other than that, you may agree to
everything he wants to do".

After getting married, the couple goes off on their honeymoon and
have torrid sex several times a day. Not once, the husband asks the
girl to "turn around". After the honeymoon, the couple settles in
their new house and continue having great sex every night. The
husband is really indefatigable. Six months pass and one night,
after having sex in the usual manner the husband says: "Please turn
around". The girl, mindful of what mother said, shouts: "NO, Never!"
The husband looks surprised and says: "But, darling, don't you want
to have a child?"

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Date:    Fri, 8 Nov 1996 07:40:37 -0500
From:    VAN ZYL JA <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Longer Legs  <Adult>

Have you heard about this guy with the VERY,VERY
big penis ?

He went to the doctor and ask him to make it kind
of normal.The doctor was wondering what will be
the right size.

He called the nurse and ask her what do she think.

She looked at the doctor and asks :

I'snt there any thing we can do,to make his legs
longer ?

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Date:    Fri, 8 Nov 1996 14:43:00 EET
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@AZTEC.CO.ZA>
Subject: Various (separate warnings)

The Halloween Party (sexual theme)
     A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.  She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.  He, being
a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take
some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being
spoiled by not going.  So he took his costume and away he went.
     The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain,
and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.  In as much as
her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
     She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little
feel here and a little kiss there.  His wife went up to him and being a
rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted
his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
     She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.  Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.  Just
before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behavior.
     She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a
time he had.  He said, "Oh, the same old thing.  You know I never have a
good time when you're not there."  Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
     He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.   When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den
and played poker all evening.  But I'll tell you...the guy I loaned my
costume to sure had a real good time!"
====================
The Gambling Sailor (clean)
     There once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet.  He would make
a bet on anything and he would always win.  His shipmates were continually
losing their money to him, making them very irritated.
     The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another ship.  The
next day the boy was transferred, and less than 15 minutes after boarding
the ship, the boy addressed his new Captain and bet him 50 dollars he had
hemorrhoids.  The new Captain had just gotten a physical and knew he had no
hemorrhoids, so he agreed to the bet.  The boy told his new Captain to drop
his drawers and bend over.  The Captain did so, and when he bent over, the
boy shoved a broomstick up the Captain's ass.  The sailor found no
hemorrhoids and paid the Captain 50 bucks.  The new Captain thought this was
great and wanted to call the boy's old Captain and tell him.
     When he got the old Captain on the phone he told him he had just taken
50 dollars from the boy.  The old Captain replied, "How?"
     "Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had hemorrhoids.  I knew I
didn't so I bet him.  He told me to drop my drawers and bend over.  When I
did, he shoved a broomstick up my ass. Hey, no hemorrhoids.  Fifty bucks I won."
     The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch!  Before he left here he
bet me 500 dollars that within hour he would have a broomstick shoved up
your ass!"
====================
The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt Jean-Luc Picard (clean)
10. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the
forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
9. Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a
shuttlecraft.
8. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge.
7. Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead.
6. Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms.
5. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz
is there.
4. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL
Picard Maneuver."
3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral
Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're
   wearing?"
2. Telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so."
1. Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team
beams back up.
=================================================
Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-)
If you love life and crave experience, why not share those of others who
would share them with you!  To quote the proverbial bathroom wall:
"For a great time call:" _majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org_   In the subject
and body, type "subscribe nerdnosh"        You'll love it!

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Date:    Sun, 8 Nov 0105 13:41:51 PST
From:    Joseph Stone <joseph@BCOLL.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: parrots

This is my first posting, i hope you like it..

*What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
*A carrot.....

From Joseph Stone - Our man in England

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Date:    Fri, 8 Nov 1996 09:38:01 -0600
From:    Richard T. Linton <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU>
Subject: Football prayer  <poss off to religious conservatives>

With the Green Bay Packers playing Kansas City this Sunday, I thought I
would pass along this small prayer to the Humor list:

     Our Favre
     Who art in Lambeau
     Hallowed be thine arm.
     The bowl will come
     It will be won
     In New Orleans as it is in Lambeau.
     Give us this Sunday
     Our weekly win.
     And give many touchdown passes,
     But do not let others throw touchdowns against us.
     Lead us not into frustration
     But deliver us to Bourbon street.
     For thine is the MVP, the best of the NFC,
     and the glory of the cheeseheads, now and forever.
     Victory party without end.
     Go Get 'em.


____________________________________

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Date:    Fri, 8 Nov 1996 10:44:49 EST
From:    Richard V. Gilpin <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: politics

One good thing about this week's election in the U.S.:  President Clinton gets
to keep his job.  He doesn't have to worry about living on the dole.

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Date:    Fri, 8 Nov 1996 10:56:00 -0600
From:    DAVID DEARMAN <DDEARMAN@MSUVX2.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Face lift <suggestive>

An older woman goes to the plastic surgeon for a face lift. He convinces her
that the best technique is the new Face-lift screw, by which he implants a
screw into the top of her head and over the years, as her facelift begins to
sag, all she has to do is tighten up the screw--no need for return visits or
additional surgery. She is delighted and leaves with a newly tightened face and
a variety of designer wigs, hats and bows to camouflage the screw.

Several months later, she returns to the plastic surgeon. Her face is lovely and
tight but she expalins, "I don't have any complaints about this facelift screw,
it works very well. Just like you said...if my face begins to sag, I just turn
the screw and it tightens up. No need for additional surgery. But I *am*
worried about these two lumps in my neck."

So the doctor examines her neck, then says, "Those aren't lumps, those are your
tits And if you tighten that screw much more, you'll soon have a moustache!"

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Date:    Fri, 8 Nov 1996 13:57:25 -0500
From:    Robert Bragner <robertb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Sunshine Death Star Daycare Center

A friend of mine found this "on the Internet"...

After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death Star,
the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has added a new,
state-of-the-art day care center to its already vast array of capabilities.
The massive four-room day care center, which, according to Grand Moff Tarkin,
will "provide a safe and fun learning environment for tots between the ages of
one and four," has already begun spring enrollment and is expected to be fully
operational by June 1.

"Nothing can stop the Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning Center," the
Imperial Emperor said via holograph. "With its four classrooms, outdoor
playground and experienced staff of licensed day care professionals, no other
facility can match its awesome instructive power."

Though still several weeks away from full strength, the Sunshine Death Star
Center is already up and running. Among the most popular activities there are
finger-painting, story time and Duck Duck Goose, which the Emperor often helps
lead.

"Feel your hatred flow through you," he told 3-year-old Jenny Bates, as she
energetically chased fellow toddler and "goose" Michael Phillips around the
outside of the circle. "Give in to your hatred!"

Disaster was narrowly averted last Friday, when the center took a field trip
to the nearby planet Bespin. At the end of the day, minutes into the shuttle
ride back to the Death Star, adult chaperone Darth Vader locked eyes with
4-year-old Matthew Schumpert. "Wait," said Vader, probing deep into the
child's mind. "There is another Schumpert."

Vader sensed the presence of Katie Schumpert, Matthew's sister, who was still
back at the Bespin gift shop purchasing souvenirs. He ordered the shuttle to
turn around and averted an embarrassing situation for the new day care
facility.

Vader later added: "Join me, parents looking for a safe, dependable child care
alternative, and together we will rule the galaxy."

In addition to enjoying many fun games and learning activities, children at
the Sunshine Death Star Day Care Center have already gotten to witness the
destruction of several planets out the center's giant bay window.

Last Friday, in the middle of a coloring activity, the planet Alderan was
blown up, delighting 23 of the 24 children who witnessed the devastating power
of the battle station. The sole exception was Libby Phelps, 3, whose family
was vacationing in Alderan at the time of its destruction. She was frightened
by the loud explosion and began to cry upon realizing that her mother, father
and younger sister were now dead. The emperor's elite squadron of imperial
guards leapt to action, removing the girl from the room and giving her some
ice cream treats to calm her.

According to Death Star officials, the idea for the center sprang up after a
number of parents complained about the lack of quality, affordable child care
options on the Death Star.

"As a stormtrooper and father of three, I'm very excited about the new day
care center," Death Star citizen Ralph Sedgwick said. "It's a safe, nurturing
environment, one in which my child will learn."

Added Gail Lindon: "For years I took my daughter to work because I couldn't
afford a nanny. Do you have any idea how hard it is to operate a tractor beam
with a two-year-old pulling at your leg?"

As excited as most are about the new day care center, a few extremists have
expressed concern about its proximity to the Death Star's reactor core.

"There is an opening in the Death Star's main shaft that leads to the core,"
parent and dissenting voice Annette Voss said. "If a small rebel ship were to
somehow break through the deflector shield and enter the shaft, it's possible
it could hit the reactor core with a single, well-placed proton torpedo shot
and destroy the entire space station."

Experts, however, scoff at Voss's theory, dismissing such a shot as "a million
to one."

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Date:    Fri, 8 Nov 1996 22:59:51 +0200
From:    Zohar Silvan <zigi@MOFET.MACAM98.AC.IL>
Subject: Anatomic riddle <off. to women>

Q:      Why do women have two sets of lips?

A:      With one set of lips, they keep offending,
                and with the other, they apologize.

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Date:    Fri, 8 Nov 1996 18:22:09 -0500
From:    Tejas Mehta <TejasMehta@AOL.COM>
Subject: Sexual Humor, Bad Language

THIS IS A LONG ONE BUT A TOTAL CLASSIC!  GREAT TO TELL TO FRIENDS!!

         There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business
  trip.  He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to
get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he
 didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.  (For joke
purposes, let's ignore what he might do while on his trip  :-) )  So he went
to a
store that sold sex toys and started looking around.  He thought about a
life-sized
 sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
        He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to
 please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He
 explained his situation.  The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of
 anything that will do the trick.  We have vibrating dildos, special
 attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her
 occupied for weeks, except -- "   and he stopped.
     "Except what?"  the man asked.
     "Nothing, nothing."
     "C'mon, tell me!  I need something!"
     "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo
dick."
     "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
     The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden
 box, carved with strange symbols.  He opened it, and there lay a very
 ordinary-looking dildo The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal.
It looks
 like every other dildo in this shop!"
  The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
 He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."  The voodoo dick
rose
 out of it'sbox, darted over to the door, and started screwing the
 keyhole.  The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed
down
 the middle.
 Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back
 in your box!"  The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay
there,
 quiescent once more.
     "I'll take it!" said the businessman.
     The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
 surrendered to $700 in cash.  The guy took it home to his wife, told her it
 was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo
 dick, my pussy."  He left for his trip satisfied that things would befine
 while he was gone.
     After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.  She
 thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she
 remembered the voodoo dick.  She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my
 pussy!"  The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping.  It was
 great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.  After three orgasms,
she
 decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in
her,
 still thrusting.  She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her
 husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
     So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.  She
 put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital,
 quivering with every thrust of the dildo.  On the way, another orgasm
nearly
 made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.  He
 asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping
 and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that
 a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
     The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right.
Voodoo dick, my ass!"

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Date:    Fri, 8 Nov 1996 19:53:03 -0500
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March

What Do Space Aliens Know
About Italian Food, Anyway?

After hearing that Richard H. Rosenthal crushed his wife's head with a rock,
ripped out her heart and lungs and impaled them on a stake in his front yard,
a Massachusetts jury apparently ruled that these actions were in the range of
normal behavior. The jury rejected Rosenthal's plea of insanity and found him
guilty of first-degree murder. Rosenthal believed that his wife was a space
alien. He killed her after she criticized him for overcooking ziti.

Source: Boston Globe

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