Digest for Wednesday, November 06, 1996

There are 8 messages totalling 328 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Political Humor (clean)
  2. Humor: Aunt Emma
  3. Little old lady
  4. Kids talk About Love Part 2 of 2
  5. Kids talk About Love Part 1 of 2
  6. Thats Nice
  7. More Goghs
  8. WHY DO WOMEN MARRY?


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Date:    Wed, 6 Nov 1996 13:47:00 EET
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@AZTEC.CO.ZA>
Subject: Political Humor (clean)

Top 13 Ways Ross Perot Is Stretching His Campaign Budget

13. 30-minute infomercials: 15 minutes on economic policies, 15 minutes on
The Amazing Abdomenizer.
12. Now charges regular mechanic rates for "getting under the hood to see
what's wrong."
11. Declared every registered voter in the country as part of his "Friends &
Family."
10. Found plenty of loose $1000 bills searching under couch cushions at home.
9. "Big sucking sound" is campaign headquarters moving to Tijuana.
8. That Nike logo tattoo on his ear brought in a cool million.
7. Only campaigning in the 37 states where he owns one or more Fortune 500
companies.
6. "Forgot" to tell confused Admiral Stockdale to stop campaigning.
5. Getting free TV exposure by standing outside the Today Show window.
4. Switched from Gigantic Freak Size Q-Tips to Regular Size.
3. Saves airfare by having supporters carry him state-to-state piggyback.
2. Sold all his shoe lifts to George Stephanopoulos.
1. Reluctantly accepted campaign contribution from the American Society for
Short, Tyrannical, Weasely Little Guys.
===============
     One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a
bridge into a very cold river.
     Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second
thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet
president out of the river.
     After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United
States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give
it to you."
     The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"
     "I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.
     "I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
     "I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful defender
of the Western Hemisphere.
     "And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.
     "I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"
     "No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning."
===============
Top Ten Ways Hillary Clinton Could Improve Her Image
----------
10. Stop telling the Whitewater prosecutor she's as innocent as O.J.
9. Make White House more eco-friendly by replacing fiberglass insulation
with shredded Whitewater documents
8. Series of daring gas station hold-ups across the Midwest
7. Gain sympathy by going public about her addiction to Dramamine
6. Sleep with Yeltsin, weasel all sorts of classified information out of him.
5. Go away for about ten to twelve years
4. Become celebrity spokesperson for Sara Lee, because nobody doesn't like
Sara Lee
3. Watch what Marge Schott does. Do opposite
2. Change middle name "Rodham" to "Rodman" and dye hair red, white and blue
1. Four words: Hillary and the Blowfish
===============
The president came out against same-sex marriage recently.  He realized he
had made a mistake, however. He thought he was
opposing getting married and having sex with the same person.
---------------
Q: What is the difference between a politician at the bottom of the polls,
and a puppy?
A: The puppy eventually stops whining!
===============
A joke heard around the Pentagon lately goes like this: One reason the
Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't
speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure
a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.  Army
personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.  Marines would
assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and
close combat.  The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year
lease with an option to buy.
=================================================
Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-)
If you love life and crave experience, why not share those of others who
would share them with you!  To quote the proverbial bathroom wall:
"For a great time call:" _majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org_   In the subject
and body, type "subscribe nerdnosh"        You'll love it!

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Date:    Wed, 6 Nov 1996 08:01:55 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Aunt Emma

>Sent From eastrlng@utdallas.edu Thu Jul 25 08:00:43 1996
=========================================================
   A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because
of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.  For seven
long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always
demanding.  Finally the old girl died.

    On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to
his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I
would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all
those years."

    His wife looked at him aghast.  "My Aunt Emma!" she cried.
"I thought she was your Aunt Emma!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   The slower you work, the fewer misteaks you make.

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Date:    Wed, 6 Nov 1996 11:32:09 EST
From:    Gareth Clark <madcow@NATWEST.E-MAIL.COM>
Subject: Little old lady <sexual theme>

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a
quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here ?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his
shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked
"D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them
about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes ma'am, one of them does."

"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

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Date:    Wed, 6 Nov 1996 15:37:42 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Kids talk About Love <Cute, not offensive> Part 2 of 2

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE
IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check.  Because, even if you
have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."     Ava, age 8

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."     Del, age 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."    Camille, age 9

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers.  You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."   Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat.  Make sure it's something she
likes to eat.  French fries usually works for me."     Bart, age 9

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER
AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"See if the man has lipstick on his face."     Sandra, age 7

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him.  But I hope he
showers at least once a day."       Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally
got it out and said it and now they can go eat."        Dick, age 7

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm
all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or
even stoves in their houses."       Gina, age 8

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
      Julia, age 7

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy.  They always slobber all over you ...
That's why I stopped doing it."        Tammy, age 7

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime.  But if it's a new
person, you have to ask permission."        Roger, age 6

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love."
       Erin, age 8

"Be a good kisser.  It might make your wife forget that you never take
out the trash."        Dave, age 8

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Date:    Wed, 6 Nov 1996 15:43:05 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Kids talk About Love <cute, not offensive>  Part 1 of 2

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they
don't get up for at least an hour."    Wendy, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has
freckles too."     Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular."     Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."    Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."     John, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't
want to do it.  It takes too long."     Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."     Anita C., age 8

"It isn't always just how you look.  Look at me.  I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."     Brian, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep.  But how rich you are can last a long time."
     Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty
good too."     Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their
tails nearly as much."     Arnold, age 10

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.  I been
trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding
me."     Dave, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love.  I'm finding fourth grade hard
enough."    Regina, age 10

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Date:    Thu, 7 Nov 1996 08:56:54 +0900
From:    Pat Gooley <gooley@TMIC.TIT.AC.KR>
Subject: That's Nice <f*** word>

        Two ladies who had really never much cared for one another got
assigned to the same table at their high school reunion.  Finally, for lack
of anything better to do, they began talking about their husbands.
        "My husband is so sweet.  He gave me these pearl earrings for our
anniversary."
        "That's nice."
        "And he gave me a mink stole for my birthday."
        "That's nice."
        "And I have a maid and gardener."
        "Very nice."
        "And he gave me that Cadillac out front just last week so I could
drive it to the reunion."
        "That's real nice."
        "Has your husband given you gifts, Dearie?"
        "Yes, he sent me to finishing school."
        "And what did you learn at finishing school, Dearie?"
        "They taught me to say 'That's nice' ...


instead of 'FUCK YOU.'"

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Date:    Wed, 6 Nov 1996 19:36:18 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: More Gogh's

 Just helping out a helples colleague who isn't authorized to send to the
 humor list:

===========================================================================
---------- Forwarded message ----------
 Date: Wed, 6 Nov 1996 18:47:57 -0500
 From: RickDeJesu@aol.com
 To: galante@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca
 Subject : More Gogh's

 I thought of some other relatives which can be added to Van Gogh's family:

 One of the Beatles.......................Ring Gogh

 Famous ancient relative who was an exiled Jew ............... AbedneGogh

 The uncle who was a Mexican marijuana grower ............. Acapulco Gogh

 His twin that was full of himself .............................. E. Gogh

 His second self .......................................... Alter E. Gogh

 The uncle who was addicted to gambling ....................... Bing Gogh

 The cousin who was a Spanish American drum player ......... Pepe BonGogh

 Tycoon uncle who made it big in the freight business .......... Car Gogh

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Date:    Thu, 7 Nov 1996 00:13:57 -0500
From:    VAN ZYL JA <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: WHY DO WOMEN MARRY?  <ADULT>

Q: WHY DO WOMEN MARRY ?
A: BECAUSE A VIBRATOR CAN'T FIX THE REFRIDGERATOR

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