Digest for Monday, March 11, 1996

There are 14 messages totalling 556 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Quotes part 37/88
  2. Microsoft joke
  3. Quote From Zsa Zsa Gabor
  4. Hunting
  5. The Diet
  6. Various (off to lawyers, alabama coeds, cathlics)
  7. The Rules -- A Cats Primer (2 of 2)
  8. Mixed bag
  9. Paint Poetry
  10. Animal Humor (sexually suggestive)
  11. Assorted Humor (Not Offensive)
  12. Satire: sarcastic humor
  13. No parking zone
  14. Beethovens Death... a New Perspective


Date:    Tue, 12 Mar 1996 08:17:47 CET
Subject: Quotes part 37/88

#If I have been able to see farther than others,
 it was because I stood on the shoulders of giants.
 --Sir Isaac Newton
#One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live
 proudly.  --F. Nietzsche
#He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
 --F. Nietzsche
#Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth -
 to see it like it is, and tell it like it is -
 to find the truth, to speak the truth, and live the truth.
 --Richard M. Nixon. Accepting the presidential nomination in 1968
#The right man, in the right place, at the right time -
 can steal millions.  --Gregory Nunn
#The man who has not anything to boast of but
 his illustrious ancestors is like a potato -
 the only good belonging to him is underground.
 --Sir Thomas Overbury
#The two most beautiful words in the English language are:
 'Cheque enclosed.'  --Dorothy Parker
#The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
 --Ellen Parr
#Justice without force is powerless; force without justice is
 tyrannical.  --Blaise Pascal
#Never tell people 'how' to do things. Tell them 'what' to do
 and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
 --General George S. Patton
#Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it.
 --Irene Peter
#An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow
 why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
 --Laurence J. Peter
#Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but
 forgetting where you heard it.  --Laurence Peter. Canadian writer
#Exigencies create the necessary ability to meet and conquer them.
 --Wendell Phillips
#Necessity is the argument of tyrants, it is the creed of slaves.
 --William Pitt the Younger
#I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when
 I nod; my shadow does that much better.  --Plutarch
#Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.
 --Alexander Pope
#To attack a man for talking nonsense is like finding your mortal
 enemy drowning in a swamp and jumping in after him with a knife.
 --Karl Popper
#There is a remedy for everything; it is called death.
 --Portuguese Proverb
#They talk most who have the least to say.
 --Matthew Prior

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Date:    Tue, 12 Mar 1996 13:13:57 +2GMT
From:    George Anagnostopoulos <firefly@HOL.GR>
Subject: Microsoft joke <off. to Bill Gates>

(This is my first contribution to the list)

Bill Gates in his early thirties decided that he should get
married. He puts a personal ad in a newspaper and he only gets one
reply. What the heck, he says and meets the woman. She is ok, so
after a few weeks they get married.

On the first night of their marriage, Bill was hoping to have the
greatest time of his life. He got himself stark naked in the
bathroom, admired his body (!) in the mirror and walked into the
bedroom where his wife was waiting. After a few minutes of
foreplay, she turns to him and says: "Gee, now I know why you call
your company 'Micro-Soft'."


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Date:    Tue, 12 Mar 1996 07:27:08 -0500
From:    David M. Saah <dsaa@LOC.GOV>
Subject: Quote From Zsa Zsa Gabor

I am a mah-valous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

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Date:    Tue, 12 Mar 1996 08:36:30 EST
From:    Allen Gordon <allen_gordon@GILBARCO.COM>
Subject: Hunting <the "S" word>

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were
being introduced to other members and shown around.  The man
leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair
by the fireplace?  He is our oldest member and can tell you some
hunting stories you'll never forget."  They awakened the old man
and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting
exposition in Africa.  We were on foot and hunted for 3 days
without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had
to rest my feet.  I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down,
propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long
I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes.  I was
reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of
the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!  I
tell you, I just shit my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't
blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now

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Date:    Tue, 12 Mar 1996 07:41:16 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: The Diet

        1/2 grapefruit
        1 slice whole wheat toast
        8 oz glass skim milk

        4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
        1 cup steamed zucchini
        1 Oreo cookie

        rest of the package of Oreo cookies
        1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
        1 jar hot fudge

        2 loaves garlic bread
        1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
        1 large pitcher of beer
        3 Milky Way candy bars
        1 entire cheesecake

        1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
        2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
                they cancel each other out.
        3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
                if you both eat the same amount.
        4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
                These include any chocolate used for energy,
                brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
        5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
                causes the calories to leak out.
        6. If you eat food from someone elses plate, the
                calories dont count.
        7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because
                they are part of the entertainment, and not ones
                personal fuel.

          --from eastrlng@utdallas.edu

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Date:    Tue, 12 Mar 1996 07:56:00 CST
From:    Bakken, Brian <bdb@TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: Various  (off to lawyers, alabama coeds, cathlics)

What's the difference between lawyers and catfish?  Well, one is a
low-down, scum-sucking scavenger.  The other is a fish.
                    - - - - - - - - - -

What's the difference between an Alabama coed and a catfish?  One
has whiskers and smells.  The other is a fish.....
                    - - - - - - - - - -

Although there were only enough cookies for each child to have
three at a party for little folks, young Bobby took four.

"You're supposed to get only 3 cookies, Bobby, " said the hostess.
"You ought to put the fourth one back."

"Can't," exclaimed Bobby. "I ate that one first."
                    - - - - - - - - - -

"Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you
 reach it faster, too."
                    - - - - - - - - - -

The Pope convenes the College of Cardinals and announces to them:
"Excellent brethren, I have some good news for you... and some bad
news. The good news is that I have spoken with our Lord, and His
return in glory is imminent!  He wants us to arrange the rental of
some soccer stadiums and other places for the Last Judgement,
prepare for the Resurection and join in establishing the Kingdom of
God. Yes, after all these centuries, His Second Coming is at hand!"

"Why, Holy Father, with such marvelous good news, how can there
 ever be any bad news again?" replied the cardinals.

"Well... you see... He was calling from Salt Lake City."
                    - - - - - - - - - -

Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who
go along learning more and more about less and less until they know
practically everything about nothing.

Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about
many things and keep learning less and less about more and more
until they know practically nothing about everything.

Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything
but end up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant
association with experts and lawyers.

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Date:    Tue, 12 Mar 1996 08:43:00 PST
From:    Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber (Star <jeffrh@STARWAVE.COM>
Subject: The Rules -- A Cat's Primer (2 of 2)


This is an important part of your life.  Get enough sleep in the
daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games.  Below are
listed several favorite cat games that you can play.  It is
important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you
should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair,
immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do
that!"  It fools those humans every time.

Favorite Cat Games:

"Catch Mouse":  The humans would have you believe that those
lumps under the covers are their feet and hands.  They are lying.
They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all
the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch
one.  Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can
stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them.
Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

"King of the Hill":  This game must be played with at least one
other cat. The more, the merrier!  One or both of the sleeping
humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the
other cat(s).  Anything goes. This game allows for the development
of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater
into account.

WARNING: Playing either of these games to excess will result in
expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom.  Should the
humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to
them.  This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again.
If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the
round of King of the Hill.

Favorite Cat Toys:

Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate
it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed.
Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away.
Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later.  Two
reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There
are several types of cat toys:
   - Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be
     hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with
     them.  They are generally good for playing hockey with on
     uncarpeted floors.
   - Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords,
     gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They
     are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor
     for us to pounce on.  When a string is dragged under a
     newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug
     Mouse and should be killed at all costs.  Take care, though.
     Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity.
   - Paper bags.  Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice.  They are
     small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they
     are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises
     they make as they scurry around the bag.  Anything, up to and
     including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
     Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice
     is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in
     a great Tag match.

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must
eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun.  The other half is
getting the food.  Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a
human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting
for it oneself.  The following are guidelines for getting fed.
  a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of
     your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
  b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from
     the table.
  c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is
     full enough to drink from.
  d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only
     polite to attempt to get to know it.  Be insistent -- your
     food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.
  e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are
     unfortunately unwilling to readily part.  It is beneath the
     Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of
     life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for
     ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist.  These
     include, but are not limited to:
       - jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human
         and purring loudly
       - lying down in the doorway between the dining
         room and the kitchen
       - the Direct Stare
       - twining around people's legs as they sit and
         eat while meowing plaintively.

As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a
cat must get plenty of sleep.  It is generally not difficult to
find a comfortable place to curl up.  Any place a human likes to
sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color.  If
it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the
better.  Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the
disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and
previous weather conditions such as rain.  Open windows are a good

It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may
provide.  They are very protective of what they think is their
property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening
your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't
around won't help, as they are very observant.  If you are an
outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human
is a definite no-no!

Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and
give attention to us, and to clean the litter box.  It is important
to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not
forget who is the master of the house.  Humans need to know basic
rules.  They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
You will then have a smooth-running household.

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Date:    Mon, 11 Mar 1996 13:03:15 EST
Subject: Mixed bag <adult themes>

A gay man walks into a bar that's a hangout for macho jocks.  He's
got his hands cupped together and says, "If anyone can guess what
I've got in my hands, he'll get a free blow job."

In a sarcastic tone of voice, one huge man says, "I'll bet you've
got an elephant in there."

The gay peeks between his hands and joyously cries out, "Hey, I
think we've got a winner!"

          --Lyle's Joke Boutique

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Date:    Tue, 12 Mar 1996 14:41:01 -0500
From:    Jim Michelinie <Michelinie@AOL.COM>
Subject: Paint Poetry

          A CAN OF PAINT

Mr. Woolworth I've got a complaint
About one darn can of 10 cent paint
My wife she buy from your darn store
And now by darn I'm good and sore

You see last week the springtime come
And most everything she go on the bum
My wife she is very clean and neat
She buy your paint for toilet seat

When she has time she paint the seat
To dry the paint we turn on the heat
For one whole week we watch with eye
But that darn paint she not get dry

One whole week we watch and wait
And now we both got constipate
My wife ain't tall she kind of fat
She at last gave up and down she sat

She has ring that goes around complete
Where she sat down on toilet seat
Mr. Woolworth, I'm one of your peers
Next time I want paint I go to Sears

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Date:    Tue, 12 Mar 1996 22:17:33 +0100
From:    John Krotzer <mbaec@INX.PM.WAW.PL>
Subject: Animal Humor (sexually suggestive)

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar & they're sitting there chugging
away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.

"Get a load of her" says the mouse, "What a babe!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her and
within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night.

Next day, the lion is in the bar drinking away, and the mouse
staggers in. And I do mean "staggers". The mouse is absolutely worn
out, and can hardly hold himself up.

The lion helps his pal up on to a stool, pours a drink down his
throat and says "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave
with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?"

The mouse says "Yeah, she was really something else - we went out
to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back
to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a
night like it!"

"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.

"Well" says the mouse "between the kissing and the screwing, I must
 have run a thousand miles!"

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Date:    Tue, 12 Mar 1996 22:37:32 UT
From:    D. S. Paull <DLJBS@MSN.COM>
Subject: Assorted Humor (Not Offensive)

   "What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
    "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me
at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
   "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
   "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want
to get in before nine A.M.?"
   "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to
get out."
                    - - - - - - - - - -

   Coach Jones called the young lad in from center field during a
Little League game for a conference.
   "See here Larry," said the coach, "you know the principles of
good sportsmanship that the Little League practices. You also know
we don't tolerate temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or
abusive language. Do I make myself clear?"
   "Yes, sir," replied Larry.
   "Well, then Larry," sighed Coach Jones, "would you please try to
explain it to your mother?"
                    - - - - - - - - - -

- The way to get to the top is to get off your bottom.
- Life is like coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can
  only spend it once.
- Unhappiness is in not knowing what we want and killing ourselves
  to get it.
- Experience is not what happens to a man, it's what a man does
  with what happens to him.
- Never allow your sense of self to become associated with your
  sense of job. If your job vanishes, your self doesn't.
- Opportunities are seldom labeled.
- If you keep saying that things are going to be bad, you have a
  chance of being a prophet.
- I don't know the secret to success, but the key to failure is to
  try to please everyone.
- The world is full of willing people; some willing to work the
  rest willing to let them.
- When you soar like an eagle. You attract hunters.
- Don't let "Well Done" on your tombstone mean you were cremated.
- Whether you think you can or you can't, you are right.
- The grass may be greener on the other side of the street, but it
  still has to be mowed.
- Even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his
- A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he
- The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little
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Date:    Wed, 13 Mar 1996 19:51:46 +0100
From:    Nancy L. Cooke <nlcooke@UNCC.CAMPUS.MCI.NET>
Subject: Satire: sarcastic humor
Oil spills give new meaning to the phrase "from sea to shining
Junk foods: never have so many paid so much for so little.
Outcries against the commercialization of holidays are now an
accepted part of their celebration.
Patriotism is the religion of the masses.
Education in the United States: cut-rate lobotomy.
I act; therefore I rationalize.
Coincidence is the mother of superstition.
The decline of religion has been complemented by the rise of
ideology: fanaticism and bigotry, however, remain constant.
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Date:    Mon, 11 Mar 1996 20:21:25 EST
Subject: No parking zone <some profanity>
Several irate citizens told the cop on the beat a man was spitting
on the sidewalk while saying, "Ptui, what a driver!"  The cop went
to check it out and saw the man doing exactly what he had been
accused of.
After watching him for a few minutes, the cop walked up to him;
brandished his nightstick in his face and said, "You'd better come
up with a good reason for spitting on the sidewalk or I'm running
you in for being a public nuisance!"
The man explained a woman had pulled up beside a small parking
space in a big car.  He called to her and said, "Lady, if you can
get your big car in that little space, I'll kiss your ass!"
He again spit on the sidewalk and exclaimed, "Ptui, what a driver!"
          --Lyle's Joke Boutique
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Date:    Tue, 12 Mar 1996 21:56:41 EST
From:    Robert Loach <102666.2623@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Beethoven's Death... a New Perspective
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and
heard some strange noises coming from the area where Beethoven was
buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and
listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint,
unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest
ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened
for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth
Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate
kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the
magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had
gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to
worry about.  It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Ha, ha, ha, ha (sung on the first four notes of Beethoven's Ninth).
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