Digest for Sunday, May 21, 1995

There are 17 messages totalling 568 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:
.
  1. Bogus Names 3of3
  2. A little wisdom & the HUMOR traffic report
  3. Steve Wright jokes--part 4 of 4
  4. dobedo
  5. CONTRIBUTION
  6. Offensive to Motorcyclists
  7. golden oldie
  8. Military acronym - longest known
  9. Pelicans (not offensive)
  10. Food for thought
  11. Top Ten List (Navy Theme/Suggestive)
  12. American studies
  13. Image of Rank... (may be offensive to military officers)
  14. Restaurant etiquette (fwd)
  15. Math joke
  16. American studies
  17. P. C.

.
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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 01:16:26 -0400
From:    Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bogus Names 3of3 <mild off>

First-name-initial names:

G. Purscreepers, O.Very, Q. Gardens, A. Train, U. Nesco, D. Rail, I. Rulmi,
B. Keeney, W. Pleasure, W. Funn, T. Totler, P. Ode, E. van Nods, X. Aust, B.
Toff, C. E. Lann, Z. Roe, S. Enchal, C. Mann, Y. Knot, X. Pert, C. Andski, B.
Wildered, A. Cisco, A. Pancho, B. Ginnersluck, D. Frost, B. Hind, D. Cease,
D. Cyst, E. Valdeeds, A. Lass, I. Dolatry, D. Duest, E. Gerlipz, E.
Leventhower, M. Reldail, X. Presstrain, L. Bent, E. Titraw, U. Mennature, I.
Yoda, I. Hopes, J. Lerr, D. Kup, Y. Bother, B. Elty, R. Cain, D. Formed, B.
Girl, O. Clahoma, E. Nuff, P. Quad, A. Orta, X. Rey, Z. Pitts, T. Schirt, A.
Nuss, E. Quator, A. Winner, D. Troit, E. Zelay, B. Ware, T. Bone, I. Dedd, N.
Emma, C.X. Lencey, A. Moral, C. Gull, P. Koates, L. Lowe, P. Ness, A. Okey,
D. Wurst, U. Trau, G. Whiss, N. Doverend, C. Bass, S. Cape, O. Fay, D. Pleat,
G. Sass, A. Null, D. Soto, P. Pole, D. Toxin, I. Wash, N. Tropy, T. Fertue,
P. Brain, U. Boat, K. Neincorr, T. Square, E. Sophogus, D. Bate, B. Sanbirds,
X. Benedict, R. Sonn, K. Passo, V. Neck, T. Leaves, C. Senor, C. Spotrunn, G.
Willikers, X. Zema, O. Tannenbaum, N. Sanity, F. Stopp, X. Sitt, C. Klamp, U.
Bolt, I. Beam, D. Tease, I. Dentity, B. Hive, O. Valtine, I. Rate, E. Late,
K. Ration, B. Delumbum, M. Plode, X. Plode, R. D'Vark, A. Kingvoid, B.
Yondapale, D. Day, N. Vinceable, D. Gustibus, C. Sonspass, D. Manrun, E.
Velli, D. Billatating, N. Fant, S. Caypartis, E. Ternallov, D. Voutehope, E.
Claire, V. Savvy, B. Aman, T. Doff, B. Bites, L. Efant, A. Cappella, F.
Fervessant, J. Hawker, E. Leet, D. Minus, B. Gatt, P. King, A. Hole, O. Leo,
G. Mann, S. Oteria, E. Rupt, I. Pana, G. String, Q. Tipp, C. Yousoon, M.
Ulate, E. Zeoff, C. Chanty, O. Fudge, A. Baum, A. Dobie, P. Cann, F. Fort, D.
Gennerett, P. Knutt, G. Raff, A. Pendex, C. Sick, C. Note, K. Ryst, Q. Pidd,
C. Shell, R. Towne, E. Zeeout, N. D'Vennaira, T. Byrd, N. Chovey, O. Full, O.
Kay, D. Licious, T. Kettle, U. Needa, J. Walker, I. Dunno, T. Bagg, R. Chury,
A. Frame, A. Delweiss, Z. Bra, B. Chermeat, U. Betcheras, Q. Ball, R. Snick,
P. Sanques, U. Turn, C. Breese, B. Stoveburden

Original Source "1964 Kaleidoscope" a 1974 National Lampoon parody of a High
School yearbook
reprinted w/out permission

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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 05:25:49 EDT
From:    Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: A little wisdom & the HUMOR traffic report

"Reading the HUMOR DIGEST today keeps the psychiatrist away."

Dear HUMOR list members:

Once a week the HUMOR-P (posters) receive a HUMOR traffic report
along with suggestions and comments. This week's report is going
to the entire list.

Contributions continue at a moderate rate (13.1 average, range of
7-21 articles-per-day). This is the time of year when a large
number of our subscribers lose their college accounts for the
summer months (northern hemisphere). We continue to have an
international audience with 57 countries identified by our
listserver. Membership on our self-selected posters' list is
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Also in this report: a list countries represented on HUMOR and a
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Here is the current weekly traffic report:

                Traffic Report for HUMOR, 14 May - 21 May
                  (Number of articles posted each day)

                   4 Weeks   3 Weeks   2 Weeks    1 Week     Last
Date   Day           Back      Back      Back      Back      Week

 14  Sunday            6        17        13         8         7
 15  Monday           16        35        17        15        12
 16  Tuesday          18        24        15        23        21
 17  Wednesday        20        12        16        19        14
 18  Thursday         16        18        19        13        16
 19  Friday           20         7        12        18        13
 20  Saturday         13         7         9         9         9

  Averages           15.6      17.1      14.4      15.0      13.1

Subscriptions       6,312     6,315     6,436     6,525     6,544
Countries              57        56       55        57        57
Contributors          462       469      488       487       491

List of countries with unconcealed members:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Brazil,
Bulgaria, Canada, Colombia, Croatia, Czech Republic, Denmark,
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Britain, Greece, Hongkong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia,
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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 06:22:40 -0400
From:    Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Steve Wright jokes--part 4 of 4

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck,
but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually.

I took a course in speed waiting.
Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.
He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

My friend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.
I said, "The whole time"

I just bought a microwave fireplace.
You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

My friend has a baby.
I'm writing down all the noises he makes
so later I can ask him what he meant.

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

Today I dialed a wrong number.
The other side said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"
They said, "Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old"
I said, "I'll wait"

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID
that he just whipped out a quarter?

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.
You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street,
and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

I got a new shadow.
I had to get rid of the other one.
It wasn't doing what I was doing.

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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 05:51:04 -0500
From:    Karen Hughes <khughes@INTGP1.ATT.COM>
Subject: dobedo <fuller version>

DISCLAIMER: This is only a compilation of all the versions that people
have heard one time or another. It isn't necessarily correct :)
Mail me if you have any more, thanks, Karen.

To be is to do.                         J.P.Sartre
To be is to do.                         Descartes
To be is to do.                         I.Kant
To do is to be.                         J.P.Sartre
To do is to be.                         Nietszche
To do is to be.                         Plato
Do be do be do.                         Frank Sinatra
To be or not to be.                     William Shakespeare
Scooby Dooby Doo.                       Scooby Doo
Yabba Dabba Doo.                        Fred Flintstone
Inka Dinka Doo                          Jimmy Durante
Boo Boo Be Doop                         Betty Boop
Boop Boop A Doop                        Betty Boop
De do do do, de da da da.               The Police
Doo Wah Diddy.                          Manfred Mann
Do be a Do Bee, don't be a Don't Bee.   Miss "?" from Romper Room
The way you do the things you do.       The Temptations
A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-wop-bam-boom.    Little Richard
A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-wop-bam-boom.    Grease
222B Baker Street.                      Address next door to Sherlock Holmes
222B or not 222B.                       S'one confused about S.Holmes' address
Da da da dum.                           Ludwig Van Beethoven
Dada baba.                              A child learning to speak
Dum dum dum dum.                        The sound of the Energizer Bunny
Pom pom pom pom.                        Flowers singing in Alice in Wonderland
Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do.                Musical scale
Doe Ray Me Far Sew La Tea Doe.          The Sound of Music
...give...me you...an...swer...dooo...  HAL 9000
Just Do It.                             Nike
Just Do Do.                             Nike bumper sticker (found in Oregon)
Cockadoodle, I say doodle, do, son.     Foghorn Leghorn
Hey Boo Boo.                            Yogi Bear
...sing this song: Doo-dah, Doo-dah.    Camptown Races
Do Be Wah.                              Peter Frampton
Do be do be do da day                   Stevie Wonder
Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do
Zippety Do-Dah, Zippety-ay.             Uncle Remus (Songs of the South)
Day-O. Daaaaaayyyy-Oh.                  Harry Belafonte
Doobie oobie walla, doobie abba nabba.  Good morning Starshine (from Hair)

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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 15:04:13 LCL
From:    BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: CONTRIBUTION <OFF. TO RELIGIOUS>

 A CHRISTIAN,MOSLEM AND JUDAIC DECIDE THAT EVRY ONE OFF THEM
 WILL CONTRIBUTE AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR HIS GOD.
 THE CHRISTIAN DREW A CIRCLE ON THE GROUND STEP IN AND SAY "DEAR
 JESUS,I'M GOING TO THROW UP A BIG PACK OF MONEY THOSE THAT FALL
 OUTSIDE THE CIRCLE ARE YOURS,THOSE INSIDE ARE MINE".
 THE MOSLEM STEP INSIDE THE CIRCLE AND SAY "DEAR MOHAMAD,I'LL
 THROW A BIG PACK OF MONEY THOSE THAT FALL INSIDE ARE YOURS,THOSE
 OUTSIDE IS MINE".
 THE JUDAIC RUB OUT THE CIRCLE AND SAY "DEAR GOD I'M GOING TO
 DO THE SAME AS MY COLLEAGUE DONE BUT IN A LITTLE CHANGE,
 THOSE YOU'LL CATCH ARE YOURS THOSE THAT FALL DOWN IS MINE".

 ===============================================================
 SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
 ===============================================================

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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 10:08:46 -0400
From:    Apryl Liebrum <ALL2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: Offensive to Motorcyclists

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a Hoover
vacuum cleaner?

The location of the dirtbag.

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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 10:28:16 EST
From:    Vickie Arwginski <PUBREL@VUNET.VINU.EDU>
Subject: golden oldie

>From "Thought for the Day" email list

I used to think I was poor.  Then they told me I wasn't poor,
I was needy.  Then they told me it was self-defeating to
think of myself as needy.  I was deprived.  (Oh, not deprived
but rather underprivileged.)  Then they told me that
underprivileged was overused.  I was disadvantaged.
I still don't have a dime.  But I have a great vocabulary.

                                  Jules Feiffer (1965)

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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 12:01:35 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Military acronym - longest known

This acronym has 21 letters and is REAL! I find the Military NEWSPEAK
amusing usually, but this is going too far...

NAVAIRWARCENTRASYSDIV - Nav Air War Cen Tra Sys Div, is how it is

"pronounced". It Stands for Naval Air Warfare Center, Training Systems
Division. THEY seem to think the acronym is easier to pronounce......
Yeah right!

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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 11:48:27 -0600
From:    Noelle Umback <umback@LAMAR.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Pelicans (not offensive)

A marvelous bird is the pelican
His beak can hold more than his belly can
He can hold in his beak enough food for a week
But I don't know how in the hell he can.


and the version my dad taught us as children:

A Marvelous bird is the pelican
His beak can hold more than his belly can
He can hold in his beak enough food for a week
But gee, I bet his breath smells terrible!

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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 15:32:14 EDT
From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Food for thought <adult themes>

Charlie came home feeling really hungry.  His wife explained she was
throwing a party that evening and had prepared a variety of snacks
which were stored in the refrigerator.  "Help yourself to anything that
looks good while I finish getting dressed," she said.  When she
returned she found her husband savoring a spread he'd placed on
crackers.
"This spread is delicious...where did you get it?" he asked.  "You
idiot!" she replied, "that's dog food I bought for Fido!"  He checked
the label on the can, found the ingredients were 100% pure and it was
FDA inspected and approved.  He instructed his wife to buy some more
because he liked it so well.  In fact, he ate some of the spread every
day for several months until he died.  The cause of his death?  He fell
off the couch and broke his neck while trying to lick his balls.
Lyle's Joke Boutique.

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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 13:57:46 EST
From:    FISHER, KEN <KEN_FISHER@SOFSA.SAIR.COM>
Subject: Top Ten List (Navy Theme/Suggestive)

     From the home office in Big Bone Lick State Park, Kentucky (yes
     it actually exists), Top Ten ways to tell you're gonna have a
     rough time in the Navy if you're a woman.

     10.  You're the only female invited to the next Tailhook
     Convention.
      9.  The Captain invites you to his room to play "Upscope."
      8.  The first ship you're assigned to is called a Frigate.
      7.  Your welcome package includes a bumper sticker which says,
     "If this ship's rockin' don't come knockin'.
      6.  You're always volunteered to be the CPR dummy.
      5.  You THOUGHT they said "All hands on DECK."
      4.  Your water survival gear consists of a thong bikini and a
     bottle of Coppertone.
      3.  The pilots practice their carrier landings while pretending
     you're an aircraft carrier.
      2.  You're assigned to a submarine and you hear someone say
     "going down" even after you're underwater.
      1.  Your room is equipped with a 17 inch Admiral, and you find
     out it's not a television set.

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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 14:41:47 -0500
From:    James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: American studies <crude, ethnic humor>

  Stash and Vito went down to apply for citizenship.  Vito was first up
and answered all the judge's questions to his satisfaction and was granted
citizenship.  Stash was amazed!  He said, "Vito, how'd you know the
answers to all those hard questions?"
  "Simple - I had the answers written on the elastic band of my
undershorts. Each time the judge asked a question, I'd hook my thumb in
there, look down, and read him the answer.  It worked great!"
  "Gee, Vito, are you ever smart!  Let's trade shorts."
  So, Stash and Vito go into the men's room and trade undershorts.  Stash
goes into the judge's chambers confident that he can answer all the
questions and become a citizen, too.  Little does he realize that he's
gotten the briefs on backwards.
  The judge can see that Stash is no quiz kid, so he starts him off with a
really simple question:  "Tell me, how many states are there in the United
States?"
  Stash hooks his thumb in his waistband, looks down, and says, "Thirty-six."
  The judge rubs his eyes.  He says, "Okay, I'll give you an easier
question: Who was the first President of the United States?"
  Stash looks down and says, "J. C. Penney."
  The judge is shaking his head.  He says, "All right, you didn't do so
well on those first couple of questions, but answer this one right and
you're in: what are the colors of the American flag?"
  "White with a brown stripe?"

**************************************************************************
Jim           "I may not agree with what you say, but I'll fight to the
Thorson        death to defend my right to stop your vicious lies."
**************************************************************************

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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 17:14:03 -0400
From:    Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Image of Rank... (may be offensive to military officers)

             The Image of Rank


        General:
Leaps over tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a
locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives
policy to God.

        Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a
switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if
sea is calm, and talks to God.

        Lieutenant Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind,  is
almost as powerful as a switch engine, is as fast as a speeding b-b,
walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if special request is
approved.

        Major:
Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a
speeding bullet, swims well, and is occassionally addressed by God.

        Captain:
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by
locomotives, can someimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury,
can doggie-paddle, and talks to animals.

        First Lieutenant:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is
not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks
to water.

        Second Lieutenant:
Falls over doorsills when trying to enter buildings, says "look at the
choo-choo,"  wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.

        An NCO:
Lifts building and then walks under them, kicks locomotives off the
track, catches speeding bullets in his teeth, and chews them, and freezes
water in a speeding glance.
He is God.

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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 19:03:33 EDT
From:    Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: Restaurant etiquette (fwd)

>
> Date:  May 22, 1995
> From:  Ann Dellarocco (anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu)
> Subject:  Restaurant etiquette
>
> Couple dining in a restaurant.  Guy looks pale.

> Guy:  Waitress, there is a hair in my water glass.
>
Waitress:  Oh, I am sorry, I will get you another one.

> Guy proceeds with his meal and gets to main dish.
> Summons waitress again:

> Guy:  Waitress, there is another hair on my steak.

> Waitress:  Embarrassed.  Oh, I am truly sorry.  I will take it
> back right away.  Can I get you anything else.
>
> Guy:  Yes, please bring a comb for my salad.
>
>


--
Ann Dellarocco
Internet: anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu

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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 20:23:46 -0500
From:    Don Mabry <djm1@RA.MSSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Math joke

A psychiatrist in a mental hospital decided to test three patients
to determine if they were well enough to be released.

He asked the first one: "What is 3 times 3?"
The patient answered: "111."

He asked the same question of the second patient and was told
that the answer was "Tuesday."

He told both that they weren't healed and had to stay.

He asked the third one: "What is 3 times 3?"

The reply: "9."

"Great!!! You're cured! You can go home, but tell me how you knew
the answer?"

The patient replied: "Simple. I divided 111 by Tuesday!"

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Date:    Sun, 21 May 1995 21:27:00 +0400
From:    Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: American studies <off. citizenship candidates>

  Stash and Vito went down to apply for citizenship.  Vito was first up
and answered all the judge's questions to his satisfaction and was granted
citizenship.  Stash was amazed!  He said, "Vito, how'd you know the
answers to all those hard questions?"
  "Simple - I had the answers written on the elastic band of my
undershorts. Each time the judge asked a question, I'd hook my thumb in
there, look down, and read him the answer.  It worked great!"
  "Gee, Vito, are you ever smart!  Let's trade shorts."
  So, Stash and Vito go into the men's room and trade undershorts.  Stash
goes into the judge's chambers confident that he can answer all the
questions and become a citizen, too.  Little does he realize that he's
gotten the briefs on backwards.
  The judge can see that Stash is no quiz kid, so he starts him off with a
really simple question:  "Tell me, how many states are there in the United
States?"
  Stash hooks his thumb in his waistband, looks down, and says,
"Thirty-six."
  The judge rubs his eyes.  He says, "Okay, I'll give you an easier
question: Who was the first President of the United States?"
  Stash looks down and says, "J. C. Penney."
  The judge is shaking his head.  He says, "All right, you didn't do so
well on those first couple of questions, but answer this one right and
you're in: what are the colors of the American flag?"
  "White with a brown stripe?"


Origin: On 22 May 1995 at 16:08, James Thorson (jthorson@cwis.unomaha.edu)
wrote this to the Infinite Joke List (jokes@infinite.ihub.com).

Best Regards,  Jeff.

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Date:    Mon, 22 May 1995 23:19:00 -0400
From:    Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: P. C.

How about:
"Keep your hands off my private participles"
"Make me an indecent preposition"
"Home of the cunning linguists"

Any other ideas?

I am glad to know that I can now refer to myself as a "cohabitationally
challenged, melanin impoverished, estrogen deprived individual' instead
of the standard SWM.

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