Digest for Sunday, April 24, 1994

There are 8 messages totalling 243 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. The 9 Types of users -- Part 1
  2. Joke: May offend Navy sailors
  3. humor: very very racist humor
  4. Humor: Deviants defined
  5. Lost Ann Landers Letter (phony)
  6. tarzan and elephants
  7. Memory
  8. Clinton joke


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Date:         Sun, 24 Apr 1994 08:47:43 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      The 9 Types of users -- Part 1

El Explicito -  "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now
                it doesn't, ya know?"
Advantages:     Provides interesting communication challanges.
Disadvantages:  So do chimps.
Symptoms:       Complete inability to use proper nouns
Real Case:      One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said,
                "I can't get what I want!"  The pod manager leaned back, put
his

                hands on his belt-buckle, and said, "Well, ma'am, you've come
to

                the right place."

Mad Bomber -    "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and now
it
                looks all weird."
Advantages:     Will try to find own solution to problems.
Disadvantages:  User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning
                to.
Symptoms:       More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio
                in WordPerfect
Real Case:      One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was
                underlined.  When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he'd
                set and unset underline more than fifty times in his document.

Frying Pan/Fire Tactician - "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I
                fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."
Advantages:     Will usually fix error.
Disadvantages:  'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
Symptoms:       A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing
                them.
Real Case:      One user complained that their program executed, but didn't do
                anything.  The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before
                realizing that they'd commented out EVERY LINE.  The user
                said, "Well, that was the only way I could get it to compile."

Shaman -        "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and
                formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did
                compile."
Advantages:     Gives insight into primative mythology.
Disadvantages:  Few scons are anthropology majors.
Symptoms:       Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.
Real Case:      One user complained that all information on one of their disks
                got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty
                sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it).  Reasoning
                that the deleted information went *somewhere*, they wouldn't
                shut up until the scon checked four different disks for the
                missing information.

X-user -        "Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite
                impressive, really."
Advantages:     Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Disadvantages:  Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics
                technology.
Symptoms:       Fuzzy hands, blindness
Real Case:      When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC
                station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring.  I
                suppressed my laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat
                down and did their best to act like they were doing exectly
                what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.

[Cont. tomorrow.]
------------------------------------------------------------------  80

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Date:         Sun, 24 Apr 1994 09:43:40 EDT
From:         Whitmark Christop CDT <x63555f1@USMA3.USMA.EDU>
Subject:      Joke: May offend Navy sailors

This one sailior came into port after a long cruise at sea.  He and a few
buddies went to the nearest bar.  They sat down ordered drinks and scanned the
crowd for some girls.  Well, the one sailor found what he wanted and so he
went up to the girl.  The girl being new to a Navy town, asked a very obvious
question, "Are you a sailor?"  He said yes.  Then wanting to feed some
curiosity she asked if it was true that sailors had big dicks when they came
back to shore.  He said he hadn't noticed his grow any when out at sea.  So
she
asked exactly how big his was.  He said, "Well, I won't hit bottom, but I can
knock the hell out of the sides."

Chris

Go Army Sailing!     O -
Catch the Breeze!     ^
                     \_/  Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking!
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Date:         Sun, 24 Apr 1994 11:18:26 -0400
From:         Travis L. Reno <reno@MIDGET.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      humor: very very racist humor

A second grade teacher was asking the students in her class the follow in
questions:
1)  What does your dad do for a living?
2)  Spell it (his occupation)?
3)  What would he be doing if he were here right now?

First she asked the white boy, Johnny.  Johnny said that his dad was a
baker B - A - K - E - R.  An if he were here right now, he would make a
big chocolate cake for the whole class.

Next she asked the black boy, Damone.  Damone said that his father was a
mechanic  M  <pause>
          E  <longer pause>
          K
all right interrupted the teacher, not wanting the boy to be embarrassed,
you sit down and think about it for a while and we'll come back to you.

Next she asked the Italian boy , Tony.  Tony said my father is a bookie
B - O - O - K - I - E.  If he were here right now, he would give you ten
to one odds that the nigger is not going to be able to spell mechanic.
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Date:         Sun, 24 Apr 1994 12:27:00 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor: Deviants defined

Maschocist says to the sadist "Beat me, BEAT ME, BEAT-T-T ME-E-e-e".
Sadist says "No".
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Date:         Sun, 24 Apr 1994 13:41:12 EDT
From:         Bryan Pack <UGPACK@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Lost Ann Landers Letter (phony)

LOST ANN LANDERS LETTER NUMBER ONE

DEAR ANN LANDERS: A few years ago, you published an inspirational poem,
and it touched me so that I clipped it out and carried it around in my
wallet until it became all wore out and frayed and yellow, and
eventually I picked up some kinda infection from it so that nobody would
shake hands with me for about four and a half years, not to mention the
smell. Boy, it was a good poem though. Anyway, recently my wallet fell
into a nuclear breeder reactor, but I fished it out so as not to lose
the poem, but it was pretty much illegible by then and some of the 'e's
had a tendency to leap off the page and scurry around the room, and
anyway, "Dan" (my second marriage, his first) says we can't afford
reading glasses for me, even though I notice nothing is too good for
those exotic pigeons (their third marriage) he keeps on the roof.
Anyway, I took the clipping of the poem to this research lab in Dubuque
where they have been analyzing the Shroud of Murray, an ancient fabric
which, it is believed, St. Peter was planning to use for new slipcovers.
Even the institute scientists' (their first marriage) most advanced
carbon treatments, however, were not able to bring out the poem and the
only word they were able to reconstruct was "earwax," which I don't
remember from the first time around. Any chance you could reprint the
poem? Boy, I have half a mind to go up there with some Ginsu cutlery and
turn those pigeons into moussaka. What do you think the deal is with
"Dan" and those pigeons anyway? And what kind of jerk goes around with
quotation marks hanging over his name? I am,
                                                    --POOPED IN PADUCAH

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
excerpt from
_Lose Weight Through Great Sex With Celebrities (The Elvis Way)_
 by Colin McEnroe
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Date:         Sun, 24 Apr 1994 18:22:23 -0400
From:         Tim Rybak <trybak@ENG.CLEMSON.EDU>
Subject:      tarzan and elephants <mildly offensive and crude>

Forwarded message:
From BATESJ@cofc.edu Sun Apr 24 16:58:50 1994
Date: Sun, 24 Apr 1994 16:58:52 -0500 (EST)
From: BATESJ@cofc.edu
Subject: jokes
To: trybak@eng.clemson.edu
Message-Id: <01HBK5VA6PDU002BC1@cofc.edu>
Organization: College of Charleston
X-Vms-To: IN%"trybak@eng.clemson.edu"
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7BIT

What is the difference between the panama canal and a blond?
        one is a busy ditch and the other is a dizy bitch
How are bob barker and lorena bobbit different?
        One is a slick pricer and the other is a prick slicer
How is a blond like a screen door?
        the harder you slamm them the looser they become
How do elephants hide in the jungle?
        paint there balls green and lay on their backs in a watermelon
        patch
How did tarzan die?
        thumping watermelons
How are a turtle and a blond similar?
        put them on their backs and they are phucked
*****Why did the blond have a big belly button?*****
        her boyfriend was blond too


I hope you liked those honey, maybe you can use them sometime.
iloveyou
jenn
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Date:         Sun, 24 Apr 1994 20:22:47 -0700
From:         Tom Welbers <twelbers@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject:      Memory

New patient:

"Doctor, I don't know what to do.  You've got to help me; I just can't
remember a thing.  I've no memory at all.  I hear something one minute,
and the next minute I forget it.  Tell me, what should I do?"

Doctor:

"Pay in advance."

                                Have a good week!  Tom
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Date:         Sun, 24 Apr 1994 20:42:46 -0800
From:         Robert Martin <RMARTIN@CMCVAX.CLAREMONT.EDU>
Subject:      Clinton joke <offensive to Chelsea lovers>

What do you get when you cross a lying politician with a greedy lawyer?

Chelsea.
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