Digest for Friday, April 22, 1994

There are 18 messages totalling 587 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Top Ten List for 4/21/94
  2. Womens most important men
  3. Misleading headlines PG
  4. Weird News: A Boston Museum
  5. Computer Bowl; Luser
  6. Baseball: Kruk & Jordan
  7. FW: Why men are in charge???
  8. Why is sex like a bank?
  9. Humor: Top 10 networks shakier than T-3
  10. Math humor: Deriving
  11. Your Childhood Trauma Checklist
  12. Top Ten Signs Youve Watched Too Many Gameshows
  13. Oh! To be young again.
  14. Old Spy Joke
  15. Humor: Capitalism explained
  16. Bobbit joke
  17. Circumcision/Jewish customs -- Potentially offensive
  18. Doctor joke


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 00:00:00 EST
From:         Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS) <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 4/21/94

---> April 21, 1994 <---

================================================
Top Ten President Clinton's Recurring Nightmares
================================================

10. It's a gigantic town hall meeting, and everyone is Sam Donaldson
 9. For some reason, everyone starts calling him "Mr. Dukakis"
 8. Drifting in a lifeboat with Richard Simmons
 7. People find out about that old Whitewater deal
 6. During press conference, can't stop saying "no"
    (Dave showed a clip of President Clinton pounding his fist on a podium,
    shouting the word "no" over and over again)
 5. Something to do with Gore in a sundress and pumps
 4. He's in an operating room, the surgeon is Socks, and he's still steamed
    about being neutered
 3. Some dweeb with a lame talk show will keep making fun of his love of
    french fries
    (A new clip was shown of a robotic President Clinton walking over to a box
    of McDonald's french fries, and blowing them apart with lasers shooting
    from his eyes.  The two then spun around to the music from the film
"2001")
 2. Can't get Streisand tickets
 1. Can't get Streisand

Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 01:55:01 -0600
From:         Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject:      Womens' most important men <offnesive to women, possibly>

Who are the most important men in womens' life:


The Doctor because he says take your cloths off.
The Dentist because he says open wide.
The Milkman because he says do you want it in front or back.
The Hair Dresser because he says do you want it teased or blown.
The Interior Designer because he says once it is in you will love it.
The Banker because he says if you take it out too soon you'll loose
        interest.

Jess
Another non-contributor posting. (Send 'em to me if you want them on. :)
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 08:05:15 EDT
From:         Matt Hamlyn <MSHAML00@UKCC.UKY.EDU>
Subject:      Misleading headlines PG

There is a potentially offensive joke at the end of this posting!
     Otherwise, enjoy.


I picked these up out of a book of Headlines from around the country that were
  eityher misleadin, funny, or both. You have to think about a few of them.
                            from: RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE


 Retired Priest may marry Springsteen

 Four county liqor stores sold to teen

 Crowds rush to see Pope Trample 6 to death

 Give the Palestinians a homeland -- Ottawa (From the toronto star)

 Did Pope suspect plot to murder the Queen?

 Dismemberment killer convicted
                               "Thank God the jury could put the peices
togethe

Cause of AIDS found ---- scientists

 She said the mat sat on the benches in only his boxer shorts for about five
minutes and exposed himself.
 "It wasn't long, but it was long enough," Mrs. Mankin said.

 Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

Mom ponders approach to sexually active son

Woman off to jail for sex with boys
==============================================================================
=

              This joke could be extremely offensive. No flames por favor

  Question_______________________________________________________Answer
                                  :
   Do you remember The Jetsons?   :   Yes
   What was the Dad's name?       :   George
   What was the Mom's name?       :   Jane
   What was the daughter's name?  :   Judy
   And the son's?                 :   Elroy
   The dog?                       :   Astro
   What about the (insert your    :
      favorite minority here) man?:   . . . there was no (minority) man

           Doesn't the future look great?!

This was told to me by an Afican-American friend of mine, so calm down.

*************************************************************************

MM   MM     A    TTTTTTTTTTTT   MSHAML00@UKCC.UKY.EDU OR UKPR.UKY.EDU
M M M M    A A      T    T      UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY
M  M  M   AAAAA     T    T      GO REDS!  AVOID MONOLINGUALISM,
M     M  A     A    T    T      LEARN ANOTHER LANGUAGE
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 08:54:25 -0400
From:         Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject:      Weird News: A Boston Museum

From the Daily Collegian

Boston -- For 70 years, King Aspelta stood among other Nubian artifacts in
the Museum of Fine Arts with a black granite cleft where his nose should be.
Little did curators know that the missing schnoz was right under their own.

The museum acquired the 8-ton, 11 foot statue of the ancient African king
from an archaeological site in Sudan in 1923.

Last fall, a student researcher and a curator discovered that a palm-sized
chunk in the museum's basement -- among 40,000 other pieces of Nubian
fragments -- was Aspelta's missing nostril and bridge.
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 08:31:10 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Computer Bowl; Luser

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: miner@tc.pw.com (Stephen E. Miner)


Relayed-From: ace@tidbits.com (Adam C. Engst)

**The highlight** of the annual Computer Bowl occurred when Bill
  Gates, who was a judge, posed the following question to the
  contestants:

  "What contest, held via Usenet, is dedicated to examples of weird,
  obscure, bizarre, and really bad programming?"

  After a moment of silence, Jean-Louis Gassee (ex-honcho at Apple)
  hit his buzzer and answered "Windows."

  Mr. Bill's expression was, in the words of one who was there,
  "classic."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: drew@kinglear.cs.colorado.edu (Drew Eckhardt)


We had just finished creating counts for people with classes 'officially'
in one of our labs, and recieved a very hostile message from a user saying
he had no idea why he suddenly had an account in our high performance
supercomputing lab. After some insulting ramblings in his message, he hit
us with a bottom line of "give me my password or remove my account
immediately!"

Naturally, we choose the "remove my account immediately" option
of his ultimatium, and posted the message (name blacked out) to the
sysadmins' Cluless Luser Hall of Shame bulletin board.

A few weeks later, we received a profoundly appologetic mailing requesting
that we give him his account back so he could do his numerical computation
homework.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 10:22:00 EST
From:         Ace Patnaude <fwpatnau@THAMA1.APGEA.ARMY.MIL>
Subject:      <Humor> Baseball: Kruk & Jordan <rude>

    This was reported in the local newspaper:

    Philadelphia first baseman John Kruk returned Monday wearing a
    T-shirt that read, across the front: "If they won't let me play
    this game..." and across the back: "I'll take my ball and go home."

    This joke was told on a local radio show:

    How do you get Michael Jordon to quit baseball?

    Kill his mother.
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 09:59:00 PDT
From:         Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <jeffrh@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject:      FW: Why men are in charge???

  <forwards trapped in a pocket universe>  Original Text Follows:

 ---------

     Last Sunday, I was waaaaaaiting for my son (7 years old) to get ready
 for church.  Since I had him trapped, I decided it was time to discuss some
of the 'Facts of Life' with him:
     "Son, you have gotten old enough that you can be trusted with one of
the Important Secrets of Manhood.  You must never tell this secret to any
women or girls."
    'OK'
     "You have probably noticed that most things are run by men.  The boss
is usually a man.  Men usually get paid more than women. HOWEVER, there
isn't all that much difference between men and women."
    'But what about...'
     "OH that.  That isn't all that important.  Are you any smarter than the
girls your age?"
    'Nope'
     "And I am not any smarter than the women my age.  And you know your
mother could probably whip me in a fair fight.  So, why do you suppose that
men are usually in charge?"
    <SHRUG>
     "It is because we don't play fair.  We cheat.  We men have lots of
little tricks that we use to make sure that women don't win.  And I am about
to tell you one of the Most Important!"
    <EXPECTANT STARE>
    "Pockets!"
    'What!?'
     "It is true!  Long ago, we men managed to convince the women that they
would rather wear clothing that looked pretty, than wear clothing that
worked right.  And then we convinced the women that pockets were ugly.  So,
now, most women's clothes don't have pockets."
    'Naaah'
    "Well, check for yourself.  How many pockets do you have?"
    <1,2,3,4,5> '5'
    "How many pockets in your sisters dress?"
    <...> '0'
    "How many pockets in my suit?"
    <1,2,3, .. 13,14> '14!'
    "How many pockets in your mothers dress?"
     '0'
     "If you don't have any pockets, then you can't carry important things.
Important things like money, or keys, or tools.  Men get to be in charge
because they can get things done, while the women are still asking to borrow
somebody's keys."
    <Kid tries to escape, but I block the door.>
     "Son, I want you to remember that if you wear clothes that don't work
 right, then people will think you are Useless.  They might even call you
one of those nasty names that mean Useless like: Fashionable! or Chic!"
     <Wife sweeps in.> "What is taking you two so long?  Are you ready?"
     <Boy shrugs>
     "My that dress looks nice.  May I zip it up for you?"

 ---------------

The above is supposedly a true story, related over the net and handed down.
 Double quotes (except for the one line by the wife) denotes the dad, single
quotes denotes the boy.

 --JLRH
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 09:53:02 U
From:         Guy Rosefelt <guy_rosefelt@CPQM.SAIC.COM>
Subject:      Why is sex like a bank?

                       Subject:                               Time:8:58 AM
  OFFICE MEMO          Why is sex like a bank?                Date:4/22/94
The joke about the most important men to women reminded me of this.

Why is sex like a bank?

First, you make a deposit, then you make a withrdrawal, then you lose
interest.

Guy Rosefelt
SAIC
Torrance, CA
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 13:20:04 -0400
From: Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject:      Humor: Top 10 networks shakier than T-3

From:   EOS::JBOLOGNA     15-JAN-1992 09:53:06.08
To:     @HUMOR
CC:     JBOLOGNA
Subj:   Top 10 networks more shaky than T3.....

Top 10 less reliable networks than NSFnet's T3:

10.  Cans tied together with string during a San Fran 8.5 earthquake.
9.  The Arthritic's Morse Code net.
8.  AT&T's net during a transparent software upgrade.
7.  Bouncing signals off satellite, orbiting asteroid near Alpha Centauri.
6.  "Great Valleys Of The World"'s semaphore net.
5.  Chain-packet net (every time you get a packet, send off two more).
4.  Using carrier mackerel across the Sahara.
3.  Single Side Band transmitted from ground zero of a thermonuclear
explosion.
2.  100 monkeys sending at random (by chance,
      they'll eventually send the information you want sent).
1.  L.A.'s smog signal net.
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 14:23:47 EST
From:         Sim Webster <WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Math humor: Deriving

Math and Alcohol don't mix, so...

PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE

Then there's every parent's scream when their child walks into the
room dazed and staggering:

OH NO...YOU'VE BEEN TAKING DERIVATIVES!!
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 11:37:27 PDT
From:         Cindy Parker <cparker@SMTP.QUESTS.COM>
Subject:      Your Childhood Trauma Checklist <may recover bad memories>

Text item: Text_1

                  FROM MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL"
       WARNING: this post may drudge up memories you may not wish to
     recall, so read ahead at your own risk.  It's kind of sad when you
     realize how scary being a kid is.  I for one can check off 50 of these
     things; no lie.
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     The difference between "a trauma" and "no big deal": A trauma is when
     it happens to me.  No big deal is when it happens to you.

     |_| Death of a parent |_| Death of a brother/sister |_| Death of a
     best friend |_| Death of an imaginary playmate |_| Death of Santa
     Claus |_| Divorce of parents |_| Moving to a new city |_| Remarriage
     of parent |_| Evil stepparent |_| Kicked out of house before 18 years
     of age |_| Dad blows all the money on the lottery |_| Parent on a diet
     |_| Parent attempting to quit smoking |_| Refrigerator full of yogurt
     |_| Having a dorky name |_| Realizing you're not the favorite child
     |_| First confrontation with a clown |_| Punished for telling the
     truth |_| Toilet overflowing |_| Forced to kiss warty old relatives
     |_| Forced to wear hand-me-downs |_| Forced to perform in front of
     parents' friends |_| Being put to bed when not sleepy |_| Parents
     driving too slowly |_| Receiving underwear for your birthday |_|
     Scratchy new sweater |_| Boring vacation |_| Being family scapegoat
     |_| Mom reading your secret diary |_| Throwing up at school |_|
     Insufferable brother |_| Insufferable sister |_| Being told to say
     "thank you" for the 10,000th time |_| Being told to clean your room
     for the 10,000th time |_| Cleaning your room |_| Republican parents
     |_| Forced to wear totally stupid clothes |_| Favorite TV show
     cancelled |_| Dreaming about having no clothes at school |_| Cleaning
     out cat box |_| Parents calling you embarrassing nickname in front of
     friends |_| Wetting your pants at school |_| Being tattled on |_|
     Tattling on someone and having it backfire |_| Forced to eat spinach
     |_| Forced to eat brocolli |_| Parents threatening to send you to
     military school |_| Military school |_| Summer school |_| School |_|
     Sunday school |_| Dancing school |_| Early bedtime strictly enforced
     |_| Not getting dessert because you didn't eat your vegetables |_|
     Grounded |_| Allowance cut off |_| Being told not to eat so fast |_|
     Being told not to chew with your mouth open |_| Being told to sit up
     straight |_| Homework |_| Socks as presents |_| Handkerchief for
     birthday |_| Parents telling you what you will be when you grow up |_|
     Listening to parents fight in the next room |_| Listening to parents
     fight in the same room |_| Being hit ny a parent |_| Being kicked by a
     parent |_| Slapped by a parent |_| Spanked by a parent |_| Beaten by a
     parent |_| Burned by a parent |_| Locked in closet |_| Tortured |_|
     Sexually molested |_| Getting lost |_| Being called "bad" |_| Being
     called "lazy" |_| Being called "selfish" |_| Making your mom cry |_|
     Meeting another kid with your name |_| Being told "you're just not
     trying" |_| Being forced to apologize when you don't mean it |_| Not
     being allowed to go to a slumber party |_| Being told "I know you
     could do better" |_| First time seeing dead dog in the road |_| First
     starving child seen on TV |_| First assassination seen on TV |_| First
     realization that death is permanent |_| First realization that death
     is inevitable |_| First realization that applies to you too |_| First
     ghost seen |_| Being treated like a baby in front of friends |_| Being
     chosen last for the team |_| Not being invited to a birthday party |_|
     First bee sting |_| First booster shot |_| Being forbidden to play
     with bad kids |_| Fear of dogs |_| Fear of vampires |_| Fear of robots
     |_| Fear of aliens |_| Fear of sharks |_| Fear of monsters |_| Fear of
     bears |_| Fear of lions |_| Fear of psychopaths |_| Fear of nuclear
     war |_| Fear of Dad |_| Caught shoplifting |_| Being told "you ought
     to be ashamed of yourself" |_| _____________ [fill in the blank] |_|
     Ongoing nameless dread
     ______________________________________________________________________
     Cindy Parker - Newport Beach, CA
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 14:42:57 -0400
From:         Joshua J. Guers <guer2587@ACAD.CSV.KUTZTOWN.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten Signs You've Watched Too Many Gameshows<non-offensive>

Hi everybody! It's time for another installment of game show humor.

              TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE WATCHED TOO MANY GAME SHOWS

                10. You have everybody wear nametags.
                 9. You recite the rules to "Scrabble Sprint" in your
                    head.
                 8. Remember to hit your plunger because that's the
                    only thing that stops the clock.
                 7. You look up at a cinderblock wall and yell
                    "Survey Says!!!!" a lot.
                 6. You have hair just like Wink Martendale.
                 5. You are Wink Martendale.
                 4. You're always reminding your friends to phrase their
                    answer in the form of a question.
                 3. You actually understand "Press Your Luck".
                 2. When shopping, you tell the cashier that you're
                    only paying the actual retail price without
                    going over.
                 1. Your wife likes it when ya hit the "Daily Double".

Now it's time for group participation. Remember when I posted the
"Scrabble" clues? Well, since I got such a great response on the "Name The
Game Show" challenge, here's an opportunity for you to feel special and
get the answer, all at the same time. I'll give you "Scrabble" clues I
wrote and you people out in HUMOR land can send me your answers. Aren't
these computers great? Here goes:

                        [] [] [] L [] [] []

Building on the Letter "L", 7 letters in the word and the clue is:
                SOME GUYS GET EXCITED AND LAUNCH IT.

                                                To Tell The Truth,
                                                      JOSH
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 15:18:20 -0500
From:         Dr. Jeffry Luria <ny001098@MAIL.NYSER.NET>
Subject:      Oh! To be young again.

Eighty-five year old man driving down the road spots an object ahead and
stops to investigate.  On close scrutiny it is a frog who exclaims,

        "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess and do your bidding."

The elderly gentleman swoops the frog up and puts it into his pocket.
The frog incredulously shouts,

        "I can't believe it, I told you that if you kiss me I'll become
        a princess and do your bidding, and you put me in your pocket!"

To which the gentleman replies,

        "At my age I'd rather have a talking frog.!"
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 15:23:39 -0400
From:         Steve Winant <stevew@FREENET.SCRI.FSU.EDU>
Subject:      Old Spy Joke <clean>

     The spy's execution was ordered and he was brought through
four miles of soggy, muddy road on foot.
     Spy: "What nerve!  I don't mind being shot, but to make me
walk through four miles of mud is too much!"
     "What're you beefing about?" snapped his guard, "I gotta
walk back."
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 15:32:40 EST
From:         Clarity Hands <CLEAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor: Capitalism explained

A 12-year-old American lad asked his father, who was an economics
professor at Harvard, how American capitalism worked.

"Well" said his dad, "I make money.  That is Capital.  Your mother
runs the home.  That is Management, while the maid, who is Labour,
does the work.

"You are Production, the result of co-operation between Capital
and Management, while your baby brother is the Future.

"That night the lad heard his baby brother crying because his
nappy was dirty, so he went in search of his mother, but she was fast
asleep.

Eventually he decided to wake the maid, only to find his father
hiding behind her bedroom door.  His father gave him a wallop and
sent him back to bed.

The next day he said to his father: "Now I know exactly how
capitalism works.  "Management is asleep, Capital is exploiting
Labour, Production is hard hit, and the Future stinks!"
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 15:03:15 CDT
From:         Brian Gill <C522715@MIZZOU1.BITNET>
Subject:      Bobbit joke

What is the difference between John Bobbit's injury and Nancy Kerrigan's
injury?


Nancy's knee still gets stiff!!
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 17:57:32 -0400
From:         Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Circumcision/Jewish customs -- Potentially offensive

A certain rabbi, when he would perform the ritual circumcision on an
8-day-old child, would put the amputated foreskin in a bottle of tanning
solution such as used to preserve fine leathers.  After a certain number
of years, he had collected a rather large number of these small pieces of
tanned foreskin.  He decided to take the collection to a leather
craftsman to see if something useful might be made from them.  The
craftsman told him that he had never been asked to make anything from
tanned foreskins before and he'd have to think about it for a while.
Could the rabbi leave the "skins" with him for a few days.  The rabbi
said that he could.  He really had no specific wishes, he just thought
that something useful could be made, and he didn't want to see the
"skins" go to waste, so he left them there with the instructions to the
craftsman to make whatever he could that might be useful.  About 3 weeks
later, the leather craftsman sent word to the rabbi to come and pick up
what he had made.  When he arrived, the craftsman presented the rabbi
with a small leather coin purse about 2 inches deep and about 3 inches
across.  The rabbi frowned and asked: "Is this it?  Is this all that you
could get out of all the foreskins I brought you?" -- "Yes," replied the
leather craftsman, " but if you hold in in your hand and rub it a little
bit, it will warm up and turn into a complete set of luggage!"
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Fri, 22 Apr 1994 19:38:47 -0400
From:         Lloyd Abrams <labrams@PANIX.COM>
Subject:      Doctor joke <slightly sexually offensive>

        A man went to a specialist because he was having trouble getting IT
up and keeping IT up with his wife. After a thorough examination, the
doctor told the man that he has three options.
        "First," the doctor explained, "for $10,000 we can set you up for a
regimen of megavitamins and a special experimental drug."
        He continued, "For $20,000, we can offer you the drug and vitamin
therapy, along with intensive therapy, and, for $30,000, we can perform an
operation that has proven to be very successful in most cases. But, you'd
better go home and talk this over with your wife."

        The following week, at his next visit, the doctor inquired about
their decision. The man answered, "My wife decided to re-do the kitchen."

                {...from my 80 year-old mother, who resides in a
                 Florida retirement community which she refers to
                 as "God's little waiting room.}
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index