Digest for Wednesday, April 20, 1994

There are 30 messages totalling 1236 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. elphant riddle
  2. Top Ten List for 4/19/94
  3. Deadly Aviation
  4. French English
  5. Political Humor
  6. Fish story (true); Blindly ignorant computer users
  7. 3 daughters riddle
  8. Czech humour.
  9. 3 Medical: Birth Pain, Quadruplets, Big Dick/Stutter
  10. why juggling is better than sex
  11. Almanac humor: Miser joke
  12. Bad Pun
  13. Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
  14. Top Ten Pickup Lines Of Female Game Show Contestants
  15. Auction of columbus time objectS.
  16. Cookie Dough VS. Men
  17. Toilets and Foggers
  18. What I [M. Groening] Learned in School
  19. Humor: Cat humor (Q&A)
  20. Mo Blonde Jokes
  21. A child who can count (clean)
  22. FW: Big Bang entries
  23. Gender humor: men and linoleum
  24. Notice to Customers
  25. Many many MANY Deep Thoughts
  26. Life 4.7 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Feb 89
  27. More Match Game Questions/Answers (Risque/Off Color)
  28. blondes
  29. Top Ten List for 4/20/94


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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 01:21:51 EDT
From:         Adina Sobo <adinas@AOL.COM>
Subject:      elphant riddle<bad word implied>

This is best when spoken...."listen" to what you read.

Q.  How do you get an elephant into a shoebox?

What, no idea?  Here's a hint....
    Take the "c" from the word "cat"
    and the "f"  from weigh.


That's RIGHT!!!!
     There  _is_    no F in weigh.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 00:05:00 EST
From:         Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS) <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 4/19/94

---> April 19, 1994 <---

==================================================
Top Ten Reasons Why Tom And Roseanne Are Divorcing
==================================================

10. Both no longer fit in one house
 9. Tom tired of her coattails, he wants to try new coattails
 8. Ran out of body space for new tattoos
 7. Tom actually getting better ratings on TV than in bed
 6. She's nuts, he's nuts -- it was inevitable!
 5. Tom felt it was time to prove he could fail on his own
 4. Tom kept leaving the cap off the giant tube of cake icing
 3. Tom's friend Letterman keeps busting up their furniture with a chainsaw
    (A clip was shown of Dave cutting through a table with a chainsaw)
 2. Never recovered from horror of seeing each other naked
 1. Who cares?

Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 06:28:26 -0400
From:         Larry Randall <randall@MAILSTORM.DOT.GOV>
Subject:      Deadly Aviation <may offend flight attendents>

Q. What are the three most deadly things in aviation?

A. 1. A lawyer with a pilots license.
   2. A doctor with a "V" tailed Bonanza.
   3. A flight attendent with a chipped tooth.


If you don't get it ask any pilot.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 01:50:40 EDT
From:         Nic van der Vyver <zawlhc9h@IBMMAIL.COM>
Subject:      French 'English'

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

Subject: French 'English'

When the great English swimmer of "the channel" reached Calais a Frenchman
in the big crowd welcoming him to the shores of France exclaimed, "Magnifique.
You 'ave perrformed the great foot!"
"You mean 'feat', don't you?" responded the swimmer.
"Mon Dieu!  You 'ave swimmed both ways?" the response.

______________________________________________________________________

(I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead)

Nico.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 08:49:14 EDT
From:         timothy rybak <trybak@ENG.CLEMSON.EDU>
Subject:      Political Humor <offensive to Republicans?>

Q: Senators Packwood, Kennedy and ex VP Qualye are in a spelling bee.  Who
wins?
A: Quayle.  He's the only one who knows that 'harass' is only one word.

       ****Ducks for cover****
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 08:37:41 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Fish story (true); Blindly ignorant computer users

AP reported on 4/10/94 that Mike Spencer, disgusted that the paint on
his swimming pool started chipping soon after he sanded and repainted
it, turned his 7'-deep pool into a trout pool and invited friends over
for a fishing party!

After making sure that there was no chlorine or other un-fishy stuff,
he put 200 fingerling rainbow trout from a trout farm and fed fed them
fish-food pellets daily. Then on Saturday he invited 140 friends to
come help clear them out before the summer sun warms up the water and
kills them.

One friend, Jim Martini, whose 3-year-old daughter landed a 12-inch
trout, said, "Mike always comes up with novel things." The last time he
had a brilliant idea, he turned part of his backyard into a $3000
pro-quality putting green.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Article 121209 of rec.humor:
From: jmm22@po.CWRU.Edu (Jered M. Moses)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Blindly ignorant computer users


How many TCU's (typical computer users) does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only 1, but it takes him 3 hours and 2 calls to an electrician to figure
out that the lightswitch is turned off....
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 10:02:43 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      3 daughters riddle <it is a groaner>

Mary's father August, had three daughters...
April, May, and....  ??????

The answer is, or course, Mary!
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 16:19:34 METDST
From:         Miroslav Otrisal <otr@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject:      Czech humour.

Message to parents from school.
"Your daughter rides on the railing with a prohibited speed!!!
Answer: My daughter usually goes by hitchhiking!!!


When I started studing English I had to say "My girlfriend has
blue eyes. But I said by mistake "My girlfriend has blue egss."

{Egss mean male body parts in Czech.}
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 15:31:00 BST
From:         Adam BJ Quantrill <adam@KBSS.BT.CO.UK>
Subject:      3 Medical: Birth Pain, Quadruplets, Big Dick/Stutter<risque>

The last of the medical jokes for now. I hope I haven't posted any of these
recently, and apologies if you have seen them elsewhere in netland....


   A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.  This is her
first pregnancy.  The doctor asks her if she has any questions.  She replies,
"Well, I'm a little worried about the pain.  How much will childbirth hurt?"
   The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy
to
pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
   "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
   "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
   "Like this?"
   "A little more..."
   "Like this?"
   "No.  A little more..."
   "Like this?"
   "Yes.  Does that hurt?"
   "A little bit."
   "Now stretch it over your head!"


   Max Brown, a young father-to-be, was waiting anxiously outside the
maternity
ward where his wife was giving birth to their first baby. As he paced the
floor,
a nurse popped her head around the door.
   "It's a boy, Mr. Brown," she said, "But we think you'd better go and have a
cup of coffee because there might be another!"
   Max turned a little pale and left.  Some time later, he rang the hospital
and
was told he was the father of twins.
   "But," the nurse went on, "We're sure there's another on the way.  Ring
back
again in a little while."
   At that, Max decided that coffee was not nearly strong enough.  He ordered
a
few beers and rang the hospital again, only to be told a third baby had
arrived
and a fourth was imminent.
   Whitefaced, he stumbled to the bar and ordered a double scotch.  Twenty
minutes later, he tried the phone again, but he was in such a state that he
dialed the wrong number and got the recorded cricket score.
   When they picked him up off the floor of the phone box, the recording was
still going strong, "The score is 96 all out, and the last one was a duck."



SEND THIS TO THE LIST ON MY BEHALF says michael at novell1.rtc-carlow.ie:

A man goes to the doctor and says "c cc ca can yy you he he help mm me
with m my stutter". The doctor says of course and tells him to lie on
the couch. He examines him and finds that the man has a 16" cock. The
doc says "no wonder you have a stutter with that hanging off your vocal
chords, I'll have to take some off". So he removes 10" and sends him
home.  A week later the man returns complaining that his wife misses
the large cock, though his stutter is cured. "Is there any way you can
help?" he asks.  The doctor replies "sssss ss se send hhh hhh he her in
to me a a and i'll ss ss sssee what i can d d d  d d  do!!!!!!!!!
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 16:23:44 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      why juggling is better than sex

Hello, all.

Sorry if this is rather old, I haven't been here for a while:
If it has been here recently, you can rebuke me by email, as
long as you limit the amount of napalm you squirt at me.

Derryck/


TOP TEN REASONS JUGGLING IS BETTER THAN SEX
--------------------------------------------
10. You don't need a partner to juggle
 9. Having blue balls isn't a bad thing
 8. Jugglers aren't judged by the size of their balls
 7. Don't have to wear protection
 6. Don't have to worry about how many other people your
     partner has juggled with
 5. After juggling, you can do it again right away
 4. Easier to keep your balls in the air for long periods of time
 3. Don't need nine months to recover from a mistake
 2. When you finish, your balls are still as hard as when you started
 1. Don't have to worry if your juggling partner is a minor



--Jay Ko       mrjayko@vm.temple.edu




----- End Included Message -----




----- End Included Message -----
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 11:52:56 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Almanac humor: Miser joke

An old Miser bid his son observe what Solomon said, which was, "Always
to keep a penny in his pocket." But his son said, "he did not remember
that Solomon said any such thing;" the miser replied, "Then Solomon
was not so wise as he took him to be." (An Almanack for 1791)

A notorious miser, having heard a very eloquent charitable sermon.
"This sermon," said he, "strongly proves the necessity of alms, I had
almost a mind to beg." (The Columbian Almanack for 1791)


Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American
Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 09:51:07 MDT
From:         Pat Creech <P=CREECH%MAM%153AG@WYCYS.ANG.AF.MIL>
Subject:      <No Subject Given>

  What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with a Prostitute ?


  The last Blow Job of your life.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 13:26:21 -0400
From:         -= Brandon =- <bab137@PSU.EDU>
Subject:      Bad Pun

Excerpt from the Daily Collegian.  All this week the paper has been printing
a series of articles about the internet.  Yesterday's articles was about
dating on the internet.  Here is a portion of the article.

There are people who find love at first sight.  Some people on the internet
find love at first byte.

Someday I might have more hair.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 07:53:28 PDT
From:         Dave Clough <clough@HYSTER.RAIN.COM>
Subject:      Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

                 *********************
                 **  Deep Thoughts  **
                 **       By        **
                 **   Jack Handey   **
                 *********************
---------------------------------------------------------
It takes a big man to cry,
but it takes a bigger man
to laugh at that man.
---------------------------------------------------------

Think deep thoughts,

Dave Clough
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 14:33:46 -0400
From:         Joshua J. Guers <guer2587@ACAD.CSV.KUTZTOWN.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten Pickup Lines Of Female Game Show Contestants<non-offensive>

Being a game show guy, and eagerly awaiting the return of Richard
Dawson to "Family Feud", here is a little list I came up with.

                TOP TEN PICKUP LINES OF FEMALE GAME SHOW CONTESTANTS

                10. "Hey Mr. Woolery, would ya like to hit my plunger?"
                 9. "Pat, I can show you letters that you've never seen
                     before."
                 8. "Mr. Lange, I'd like to name your tune in three notes!"
                 7. "Come on, Monty. Show me your "Big Deal"."
                 6. "Mr. Barker, I can do a lot more than just spaying
                     and neutering."
                 5. "Hey Alex, I'd like to solve your rebus!"
                 4. "Richard, I'd like to see what your survey says!"
                 3. "Hey, Mr. Tomarken, press your luck with me and maybe
                     we'll both hit a whammy!"
                 2. "I can do it across, down, and diagonally, Mr. Davidson."
                 1. "Mr. Eubanks, what's this about "Whoopie"?"

Now, for a chance at the bonus round and the Lee Press-On Nails, can anybody
out there in HUMOR land name all of the game shows mentioned in the above
list??

                        Until the next funny(?) thought,
                                        Josh Guers
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 08:57:06 MEX
From:         Antonio Oliveros <OLIVEROS@IBERO.UIA.MX>
Subject:      Auction of columbus time objectS.

First of all, I have a request, a friend (MALE) IS ABOUT TO GET MARRIED,
so I need some Ideas for a very sick bacHELOR PARTY. I'LL NEED SOME REAL
good pranks & practical jokes. For an exAMPLE THE LAST TIME WE GAVE A FRIEND
this kind of party, it lasted 3 days and THE FIRST DAY WE MADE HIM A JUDGMENT,
(Inquisition Stile) Torches, hoods, etc.(DESPITE OF THIS, HE WASN'T HURT).
The other two days we gave him a regular BACHELOR PARTY.
Send your ideas to me please! he's gettiNG MARRIED IN TWO WEEKS.
     O.k. since my last post had such a SUCCESS, I WILL FOLOW WITH ANOTHER
Marco A. Almazan article. This one is frOM THE BOOK 'MINICOMEDIES' ED.
Panorama, Mexico 1987. (Thanx to the guyS WHO LIKED THE FIRST AID GUIDE).
                 Public auction of columBUS TIME OBJECTS.

This year, in a effort to conmemorate thE ANIVERSARY OF THE DISCOVERY OF
America, a well-known antique shop in NeW YORK HAS ORGANIZED A GREAT AUCTION
of objects related with this event. This IS THE LIST OF THE OBJECTS:

A part of Leaf Erikson's diary, written IN RUNIC CARACTERS, WHICH NARRATES
a vacation he took with a blue eyed blonD GORGEOUS VIKING GIRL, IN MIAMI
beach, Florida. It is supposed that this DIARY, (THAT NOBNODY KNOWS HOW DOES
it reached Columbus hands) was the main INCENTIVE TO MAKE SUCH A TRIP.

30 pounds of certified birth certificateS OF DON CRISTOPHER.

English-Italian, Italian-English dictionARY PROPERTY OF THE DISCOVERER,
acording to a more or less authentic ExlIBRIS AND SIGNATURE ON FIRST PAGE.

A 'Learning spanish in ten easy lessons' BOOK WHICH ALSO BELONGED TO THE
Admiral.

Tree hairs from the beard of the CardinaL MENDOZA, WHO INTERCEEDED TO
Isabel of Castilla and Fernando of AragoN, IN A EFFORT TO CONVINCE THEM
that Columbus WAS NOT a kind of nut, so HE WON'T BE TROWN AT THE FUNNY FARM,
as they were asked by the scholars of thE UNIVERSITY JUST AFTER HE TOLD THEM
that the Earth is round and that he coulD REACH INDIA BY GOING WEST.

Two original pawnshop tikets, from the cROWN JEWELS, EXTENDED BY THE
'Levy, Cohen, goldstein & Baruch PawnshoP' IN TOLEDO.

An Ashtray from the Rabida monastery, thAT COLUMBUS TOOK AWAY IN HIS SUITCASE,
the night he spended in this place. (ThiS IS A DOUBTFULL AUTHENTIC PIECE,
since tobbaco was not known in Europe at THAT TIME, ALTOUGH A LOT OF GUYS
died from lunge cancer, but it was produCED BY OTHER CAUSES).

A piece of board, that used to serve as TOILET IN THE 'LA PINTA'.

The wooden leg of one 'John the Cleaner', CONVERSE JEW AND SAILOR ON THE
'Santa Maria', Who used to loan money wiTH ONLY A 10% OF INTERESTS (DAILY).
So effectively he cleaned the other sailORS.

A letter from Felipa Moniz de Prestello, FIRST WIFE OF THE ADMIRAL, ASKING HIM
to send her more money. (It is believed THAT SHE WAS THE OTHER CAUSE COLUMBUS
had to start that kind of journey).

A wood chest with the exact amount of amERICAN DIRT THAT RODRIGO DE TRIANA
first saw.

The genuine loincloth thatwas used by thE INDIGENOUS PROTOCOL CHIEF (LUCAYO)
who received Columbus and his men in the ISLAND OF GUANANI ON OCTOBER 13TH.
1492, at 3:00 pm.

That's all for now. Wait for the next onE, I HOPE I HAVE TIME TO TRANSLATE
ANOTHER ONE BY MONDAY.(SORRY BILL, I COULDN'T MAKE THIS SHORTER OR IN 2 PARTS)

ANTONIO OLIVEROS. (NO SIGNATURE THIS TIME).
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 13:53:34 -0500
From:         Bret Jacobsen <STERLINGJULI@BVC.EDU>
Subject:      Cookie Dough VS. Men  <maybe off. to both sexes>

              Why Cookie Dough Is <supposedly> Better Than Men

 1.  It's enjoyable hard or soft.
 2.  It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
 3.  It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
 4.  You always want to swallow.
 5.  It won't complain if you share it with friends.
 6.  It's "quick and convenient".
 7.  You can enjoy it more than once.
 8.  It comes already protectively wrapped.
 9.  You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavored.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without
    sounding like you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 14:58:15 EDT
From:         A. B. Smith <ABSMITH@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      Toilets and Foggers <non-offensive>

Fair Play, SC - A man was arrested Monday for throwing a toilet
onto Interstate 85 from an overpass.  The toilet seat went through
the windshield of the truck, injuring the driver.  The man in custody
for committing the crime said he stole the toilet from someone's
front yard.  The toilet was being used as a flowerbed at the time
the man took it.

Athens, GA - A woman who was trying to exterminate the roaches in her
new 3-bedroom apartment put 5 cans of bug fogger in the apartment and
left so the insecticide could take effect.  The foggers not only killed
the roaches, they also managed to cause an explosion which lifted the
roof of the apartment 1/4 of an inch and blew out several windows.
There is an investigation going on to see what caused the explosion.
The woman was quoted as saying, "I've put out 15 cans of fogger in
one place I was living and they never blew up there."

-Taken from "Athens Daily News" and "Channel 2 News, Atlanta"

****************************************************************
 Ann Smith                    *   The secret of success is
 University of Georgia        *   sincerity.  Once you can fake
 Law Library                  *   that, you've got it made.
 Athens, Georgia              *
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 12:17:57 PDT
From:         Cindy Parker <cparker@SMTP.QUESTS.COM>
Subject:      What I [M. Groening] Learned in School <mocking>

Text item: Text_1

     Please note that ALL posts I make from
                   MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL"
                                  have the following bibliography:
     Groening, Matt. _The Big Book of Hell_. Pantheon Books (a division of
       Random House Books); New York, 1990.
     Also note that opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of
     the contributor.  Now with that out of the way, it's time for
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                       WHAT I [HE] LEARNED IN SCHOOL

     1ST GRADE - (Teacher speaking in all following quotes): "We're all
     going to put our heads on our desks until the nasty little boy who
     defecated in the urinal comes forward."
     2ND GRADE - "You say your grandmother is from Russia?  I'm very sorry
     to hear that.  You know, they don't believe in God in Russia, and
     Christmas is against the law there."
     3RD GRADE - "The class has been divided into three reading groups.
     The gold group and the silver group will stay here.  The brown group
     will go to a special room in the basement."
     4TH GRADE - "...And you'll stay in the garbage can until you can be a
     good citizen."
     5TH GRADE - "Draw a small circle on the blackboard.  Now stick your
     nose on it while the rest of the class goes out for recess."
     6TH GRADE - "Thank you for writing 'I must be cheerful and obedient'
     500 times.  Now watch while I slowly rip it up before your eyes."
     7TH GRADE - "O.K.  Sex education.  Um, is there anyone who doesn't
     know?  Good.  Next: dental hygiene."
     8TH GRADE - "You little brats are laughing now -- but you won't be
     laughing when you get to high school, where there are gangs,
     drug-pushers, and negroes."
     9TH GRADE - "Perhaps this flunking grade will steer you in the right
     direction."
     10TH GRADE - "So you think marching in the hippy-trippy peace
     demonstration is more important than school, eh?  Then I guess this
     "F" won't matter much."
     11TH GRADE - "I'm afraid that insolent remark about our President will
     go on your permanent record, young man."
     12TH GRADE - "If you think you can get through life drawing silly
     cartoons, you've got another think coming."
     1ST YEAR COLLEGE - "Mr. Gru-nik, I'm getting bad vibes from you.  The
     rest of the class groks [sic] what is going on -- why can't you?"
     2ND YEAR COLLEGE - "The sooner you all face up to the fact that you
     are lazy, untalented losers, unfit to kiss the feet of a genius like
     Friedrich Nietzsche, the better off you'll all be."
     3RD YEAR COLLEGE - "Listen, I'll give you full credit as long as you
     don't come around and bother me anymore."
     FINAL YEAR COLLEGE - "You do what you do tolerably well, Mr. Gro-nig.
     Now you must ask yourself: is it worth doing?"
     ______________________________________________________________________
     Cindy Parker - Newport Beach, CA
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 15:58:27 -0400
From: Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject:      Humor: Cat humor (Q&A)

Humans:
Your cat waits and miaows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying:
        a) Welcome home
        b) The phone rang twice while you were out
        c) Feed me, NOW
Your cat miaows at the door when you go out. Is it saying:
        a) Please don't leave me here all alone
        b) Goodbye
        c) But what if I get hungry while you out?
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this:
        a) An unsupressed primal instinct
        b) A sign of affection
        c) A demand to be fed now
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying:
        a) Lemme out - I need to use the garden
        b) Wanna go out and play
        c) Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
Cats:
Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean:
        a) It's hungry
        b) It's lost
        c) You're hungry
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this:
        a) supper
        b) something to keep you going till supper's ready
        c) inedible junk to be scorned in favour of what the human's got.
Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean:
        a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
        b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
        c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
Staircases are for:
        a) Getting up to the human's bedroom at 4am
        b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
        c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
        d) all of the above
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 15:11:00 CST
From:         DANRICH SCOT <ACSLABSAD@ORION.DEPAUL.EDU>
Subject:      Mo' Blonde Jokes <Slightly Adult>

I don't know if some of these have been posted here before, so
here goes.....

Q:  How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A:  Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q:  How does a blonde spell farm?
A:  E-I-E-I-O

Q:  How does a blonde kill a fish?
A:  She drowns it.

Q:  A blonde is going to London on a plane, how can you steal her
    window seat?
A:  Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the
    middle row.

Q:  How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A:  Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q:  What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over
    her ears?
A:  Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q:  Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A:  She thought it was diet-coke.

Q:  Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
A:  It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed
    125.

Q:  Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was
    hammering?
A:  The noise was giving her a headache.

Q:  Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A:  She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q:  Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A:  So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q:  Why did the blonde fail her driving test?
A:  Every time she stopped the car, she jumped in the back seat.

Q:  How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
A:  She opens the car door.

Q:  What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brown?
A:  Artificial Intelligence.

Q:  What do you call a brunette between management & a blonde?
A:  An interpreter.


On the serious side, Anyone Currently Living On OAHU, *PLEASE*
contact me.  I'm l00king for an old friend.
     (acslabsad@orion.depaul.edu)
SeaYa,
     Scot
=========================================================================

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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 15:14:32 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      A child who can count (clean)

One Sunday morning after the church service, the minister was standing
on the church steps, shaking hands and visiting with members of the
congregation.  One couple walked up with a small girl who appeared to
be barely four years old.  The young girl was counting "...three,
four, five,..." when the minister said, "Sally! You can count.  Good
for you!  Please go on."  Sally started again with "...six, seven,
eight, nine, ten."  The minister said, "Very good!  Now, do you know
what comes after ten?"  Sally said, "Joker, Queen, Ace, ..."
=========================================================================

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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 13:51:00 PDT
From:         Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <jeffrh@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject:      FW: Big Bang entries

<fwds uncreated>

 ------
The March issue of Sky and Telescope (S&T) Magazine has an article on the
contest that the magazine held to rename the Big Bang.

In the end they received over 13,000 entries but the judges (Timothy
Ferris, a S&T columnist, Hugh Downs, 20/20 host and avid amateur astronomer
and Carl [billions and billions] Sagan) found none of them to be better
than the original "Big Bang", which was coined by an astronomer named Fred
Hoyle.

Some of the entries were very humorous.  I thought you might like them:

START (some trivial acronym regarding time)
Big TOE (theory of everything)
The NICK of Time (nature's initial cosmic kickstart)
Whatchamajigger Trigger
What happens if I press this button?
Bob
Elvis
Bertha D. Universe
Portrait of the Universe as a young Bam
God's log-on
The Big Boot
God Fodder
The Force
BS (before Sagan)
You're never going to get it all back in there again
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 17:11:14 EST
From:         Kathleen Williams <WILLIA3@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Gender humor: men and linoleum

What do men and linoleum  have in common?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them
forever.
=========================================================================

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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 14:27:52 -0700
From:         Scott Philben <Scott_Philben@SMTP.ESL.COM>
Subject:      Notice to Customers

Here is a list of rules and regulations that I found hanging in bars catering
to U.S. Airmen in
Songtan, Kyongi-do, Korea (outside of Osan Air Base). I am not sure who wrote
them or who followed them
(I never saw most of this stuff).

Here is the sign (verbatim). It is written in both Korean and English and it
actually makes
sense in Korean.

------------------------------------

NOTICVE FOR CUSTOMERS

As mentioned below, we make it a rule to produce a comfortable and delightful
atmosphere to
Our Customers who visit this business place. Could you please observe the
reguration.

Followings are

1. This business place is used for only foreignars and crews. But Domestic
people are not afford to admit into this place at all.

2. All customers are warmly welcomed without discrimination of race.

3. We offer duty-free alcoholic liquors to our Customers, and observe the
price
agreed upon
the Government.

4. All  the employees of feminity used to take, medical examination regularly,
and they usually
carry their health card issued by the Authorities.

5. This business used to take a sanitary inspaction by the Health Center
regularly and have
complete santiary arrangements.

6. When a customer gets dead drunk from the general point of view, can not be
offered
alcoholic liguors any more.

7. Making noise, singing loudly and creating a disturbance which do damage to
other customers
do not allow to admit in this place.

8. Drinking is only in the business place. Alcoholic liquors do not allow to
carry in or out.

9. Do not allow you to keep opium with you and sell it on a black market.

10. This business should uproot if you would let us inform your inconvenience
while drinking.

11. Do not allow dangerous articles to admit into this business place.

-------------------------------------

If you are ever in Songtan, look for any bar with this sign and you'll be
assured of a
good time.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 16:44:11 -0600
From:         David_Watts@BAYLOR.EDU
Subject:      Many many MANY Deep Thoughts <SNL>

Deep Thoughts     By Jack Handey

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several
of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself
"Mankind".  Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean?  It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don 't
just

go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap.  The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant
teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

> I'd rather be rich than stupid.

 > If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came
up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea
to

say, "I swallowed it.  So sue me."

> If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming

and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a
coward.

>I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
is
the story of Popeye.

> When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.

> To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and
the dancers hit each other.

> What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby?  Maybe we'll never know.

>  We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we can't scoff at
them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

> Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.

> I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's
throwing
up, is not what I call hospitality.

> To me, clowns aren't funny.  In fact, they're kind of scary.  I've
wonderedwhere this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
circus, and a clown killed my dad.

> As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN
HEAD!!

> Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
like a deer.

> If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

> Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out
when you're coming home his face might burn up.

> You know what would make a good story?  Something about a clown who make
people happy, but inside he's real sad.  Also, he has severe diarrhea.

>  Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down.  I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell.  When
the

person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch?
A

jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that
says
"You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

> If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

> If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep
the
students from just trying to yodel right off.  You see, we build to that.

>  If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll

look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

>  I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet
you can really see it in those genitals.

>Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck,
and

the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that
thing?

> He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.  He loved it so much he made
a

woman out of dirt and married her.  But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people
laughed, and the cowboy shot them.  At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll
be

waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

> The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.  I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive
and
drive.  I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there.
The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
played.  I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff,
or

not, and then I think we went home.  I guess some things never leave you.

> If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God
is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him
is
"Probably because of something you did."

> Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is
not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant.  It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

>As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it
should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke-
just

to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

> One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse.  "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried,
but
I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.  I started to
drive
over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

> If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked
dolphins the most?  I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?  You'd be wrong, though.
It's
Hambone.

> Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.

> We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing.  But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he
picked
up in town.

> I wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

> As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I
thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how
I
named him Flint.

> If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

> Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct
is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then
it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

> If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.

>When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.  After school we'd
all

go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It
wasn't
until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

> I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures.  They're sort
of like dogs.  Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

> If you ask a child a question and he gives you the right answer, you should
tell him it was a lucky guess because then heUll get a good, lucky feeling
inside.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 17:26:49 PDT
From:         hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  4.7    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Feb 89

----------------------------------------------------

The most formidable weapon against errors of every kind is reason.
            - Thomas Paine, 'Age of Reason'

Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. - Roger Bacon

Moral principles can never be compromised;
they can only be abandoned.     J.G.H.

----------------------------------------------------

Oh, well, you can always tell a Harvard man, but you can't tell him much.

"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
                --English Professor, Ohio University

   Q: What's dumber than a pompous Berkeley poly-sci student?
   A: A committee of pompous Berkeley poly-sci students.

----------------------------------------------------

     Dust was the color of the sky.
     Dust was the color of the town.
     The young sheriff moved toward the railway platform,
pausing only to wipe his moist palms on his holsters.
     He watched the Union Pacific engine hurtle around the bend
and screech to a clanging, hissing stop.  Silently, the
Dalton boys swung from the train onto the station platform.
Suddenly the sheriff found himself staring down the barrels
of three shotguns.  The street behind him was empty but
for the dust.
     There was no turning for help.
     As his hands crept slowly toward his gun belt he knew he had to
say it now or forever hold his peace.  A crooked smile played about
the corners of his mouth, as he drawled, "Boys, I want you to hear
me and hear me good.  Just remember, that Xerox is a registered
trademark of Xerox Corporation and, as its brand name, should be
used only to identify its products and services."

----------------------------------------------------

The Clean comments from Rodney Dangerfield:

I once had food in a Chinese restaurant. I opened up my fortune
cookie. Inside was the guys cheque next to me. I said to him,
"Hey buddy, I got your cheque!" He said, "Thanks."

Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I could tell he wasn't a
professional, there was butter on it.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 22:50:15 -0400
From:         Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Subject:      More 'Match Game' Questions/Answers (Risque/Off Color)

From: Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
-----
In the 1970s was a game called "The Match Game" which had some rather
humorous questions and sometimes wild answers.  Now here's your chance to
participate!  I'll keep these down to 60 lines or so.

Here's the latest "MATCH GAME" survey.  Now you get to see some answers
to some of the questions that were sent in.  I'd like to see more
responses and more questions.  Reply to me or <MATCH@TDR.COM>.  And thank
you to all of you who submitted questions or answers!

New Questions:

Tom is so horny...that if he BLANKS hard, he's "in the mood."
My girlfriend is so naughty...that when she goes to the zoo
  she tries to BLANK the animals.
Our college is so poor, that the meatloaf in the cafeteria
   is really BLANK.
Our college is so rich,...that they fill the swimming pool with BLANK.

Old Questions that need more responses or that I'm still taking responses
for:

I had to go to the bathroom so bad my BLANK was/were turning brown!
My girlfriend gets so jealous that her BLANK(s) turn green with envy.
My girlfriend was so excited...that she BLANKED me!
Sy Sperling was so bored...that he shaved off his BLANK.
I was walking through the airport the other day and I saw this beautiful
   woman getting her BLANK handled.
Joanna was voted in high school as Most Likely To BLANK
Sy Sperling was so bored...that he shaved off his BLANK.
My girlfriend was so excited...that she BLANKED me.
My girlfriend gets so jealous that her BLANK(s) turn green with envy.

Here are the items that got more than 6 responses (The answer I liked best
is shown at the end; in most cases I liked someone else's better!):

He's so old... He's so old even ________ is younger!
   his father, God, God's parents,  Dick Clark, Uncle Sam, George Burns,
   ZSA ZSA GABOR is (LOOKS) younger!,
   the crust on Joe Cocker's Tie Dye,  Moses, Father Time,
He's so old even DIRT is younger. (3 Times)

That guy is so evil that he lowers the moral standings at a ____ Convention.
   SATANIST, Crack Dealer's, ANARCHIST'S,  Internal Revenue Service,
   porno, K.K.K., Used car salesman,  lawyers,  game show host
That guy is so evil that he lowers the moral standings at a
Jeffrey Dahmer Fan Club Convention.

The Kutztown fire department is so poor... that all the firemen line up
in front of the fire and BLANK on it.
   blow on it,  spit on it (3 times),  pee on it (5 times).
The Kutztown fire department is so poor... that all the firemen line up
in front of the fire and lie on it.

---
Paul Robinson - Paul@TDR.COM
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush <randy@psg.com>
-----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:

Sung to the tune of Gary Wright's "Dream Weaver":
~Oooh, Cop Killer, I believe you can get me through the knife....~
=========================================================================

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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 22:22:11 CDT
From:         Jim Duffen <C527772@MIZZOU1.BITNET>
Subject:      blondes

May be offensive to blondes.


How do you confuse a blond?

Give her some M&M's and tell her to alphabetize them.

Jim
Univ. of Missouri
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Date:         Wed, 20 Apr 1994 23:59:00 EST
From:         Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS) <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 4/20/94

---> April 20, 1994 <---

=============================================================
Top Ten Questions President Clinton Was Asked By Teens On MTV
=============================================================

10. "Will your health-care plan cover a wicked hangover?"
 9. "Can you make a law that they have to play more U2 videos?"
 8. "Where's the sax, Tubby?"
 7. "How do you keep your thighs so pasty white?"
 6. "Does Gennifer Flowers wear boxers or briefs?"
 5. "Is it true you wanted to remove your pants and call this Clinton
    Unplugged?"
 4. "Hey, like, what's with that Gore dude?"
 3. "This 'United States' you keep mentioning -- is that like a band or
    something?"
 2. "Wow -- how'd you get your ass into those shorts?"
 1. "Where's Beavis, Butt-head?"

Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv
=========================================================================

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