Digest for Tuesday, April 19, 1994

There are 20 messages totalling 1134 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Top Ten List for 4/18/94
  2. Ideal measures
  3. computer virus humor
  4. Male organ enlargement
  5. Plane Humor
  6. HUMOR:TV Show Name
  7. HUMOR-David Koresh
  8. Hes Baaaaack: John Bobbit to remarry!
  9. Poll restated and a very, very sick sex/baby joke!
  10. HUMOR
  11. How Much Are You Worth?
  12. Life 4.6 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 16 Jan 89
  13. INTERNET Advertising
  14. Math humor: to catch a lion
  15. Adult stuff (Not offensive)
  16. FW: a little rocket science...
  17. assorted collection
  18. cow education
  19. Joke non-offensive
  20. The Japanese won the boat race


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 00:04:00 EST
From:         Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS) <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 4/18/94

---> April 18, 1994 <---

==========================================
Top Ten Excuses For Filing Your Taxes Late
==========================================

10. Thought late fees would make a nice deduction
 9. H Block finished on time, but R Block was a little slow
 8. Finished entire Pepperidge Farm chocolate layer cake.  Got sleepy.
 7. Think about it:  The longer you make the I.R.S. wait for your returns,
    the more excited they'll be when they finally get 'em!
 6. Was busy playing ping pong with Carol Channing
    (A clip was shown of Dave playing ping pong with Carol Channing)
 5. Still waiting to hear from Ed McMahon about that million dollar thing
 4. Got nasty papercut from 1040 form, passed out for three days from blood
    loss
 3. Math is real hard, dude
 2. I was working around-the-clock to try and keep Tom and Roseanne together
 1. My friend Leona said I didn't have to

Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 08:42:38 METDST
From:         Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject:      Ideal measures <a bit risky>

I heard this from my colleague yesterday:

Q: What are ideal woman's measures?
A: 87 - 50 - 108

(units: years - million $ - Fahrenheit of fever)
--
Jan Kucera:  kuc@fce.vutbr.cz (or .cs)      ----------------------------------
Department of Computer Science              |The opinions I express are not  |
Faculty of Civil Engineering                |my employer's but mine.         |
Technical University of Brno                |However, I disagree with them.  |
Veveri 95, 662 37 Brno, Czechland           ----------------------------------
=========================================================================

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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 00:58:59 -0700
From:         Corey J. Cooper <corey@NETCOM.COM>
Subject:      computer virus humor

(I deleted approx. 90 lines of forwarding text, from at my best count 25
forwards.  None of them mentioned the HUMOR list, and I hadn't seen it,
so here it be.    Thanks to the long line of forwarders for gettining it
to me. :>   )

        Here are some of the more recient viruses that are going
arround....

        BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then
        re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

        OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
        80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

        AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
        you are getting.

        MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
        too much for the AT&T virus.

        PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse
        around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by
        LAN, twice if by C:>.

        POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but
        instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

        RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless
        of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you
        to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

        ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
        before the whole damn thing quits.

        MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to
        run.

        TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

        ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.
        It'll be back.

        DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child
        process without joining into a binary network.

        DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer,
        ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

        GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
        diagnostic software says everything is fine.

        NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
        people really mad just thinking about it.

        FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds
        of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all
        of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

        GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38
        percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a
        3.5 percent margin of error.)

        TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you
        choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.

        TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

        ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

        CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits
        erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the
        other side for the problem.

        AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

        FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying
        its own motherboard.

        PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

        ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
        destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service
        stations across rural America.

        OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper
        shredder.

        NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

        SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
        power supply and a set of shocks.

        JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

        CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive
        simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish
        anything.

        KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of
        mercy.

        IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot
        up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it
        all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

        STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus
        has gone before.

        HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
        wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

        GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my
        docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all
        the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it
        on the Congressional Virus.

        CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform
        like a 286/AT.

        LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on
        your PC and erases them in "self defense".

        CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes
        in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

        ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million
        dollars, it's programmer will take it back.

        Use your virus scan, don't let any of these viruses happen to your
        PC!

                                            Bit By a Duck
Matt Campbell
matt@pdi.com
(213)960-4042
(310)417-4098

Nekhai kachka tebe kopne
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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 09:03:00 GMT+0800
From:         Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T) <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject:      <HUMOR> Male organ enlargement

THis one contains reference to the male sexual organ but is not
crude.

A mother was bathing her young son one night when she realised
that his penis was actually very small even for a child. That
morning at her coffee group she casually brought up the question
of penis size in boys. The other mothers described the size of
the penises of their sons and she realised that her son's penis
was definitely very small. She decided to seek medical advice.

The doctor examined her son and agreed that the penis was
exceptionally small. The mother explained her concern that her
son would not be able to perform as a man later in life. The
doctor shook his head and admitted that the only thing her son's
penis would ever excite would be a passing bird which might
mistake it for a worm. In response to her plea for help to
enlarge the penis the doctor shook his head and said that there
was nothing that medical science could do.

Distraught the mother confided in her best friend, who took to
one side and whispered that she knew of a witch in the next
street. The witch had used a spell to make hair grow on her
husband's balding head. She thought that perhaps the witch might
be able to help the son. Sceptical the mother took the boy around
to the house of the witch.

In a dark room complete with black cat and bottles of strange
substances the witch listened to the mother describe the boy's
problem. Inspecting the boy's penis the witch tried not to
snigger and shook her head in amazement. Telling the mother and
son to wait the witch consulted her old, crumbing texts. At last
the witch returned and took the mother to one side. "Hot toast",
she said, "Hot buttered toast makes 'em grow, you know." In
disbelief the mother left and took her son deciding that in the
absence of anything else she would give it a try.

On the way home she met her best friend and her husband, who now
had a handsome head of hair on what had, indeed, been a bald
pate. As she lay in bed that night next to her sleeping husband
the mother thought long and hard.

The next morning the son duly woke up, dressed and went
downstairs to the kitchen. To his disbelief he found that the
kitchen table was piled high with plates and plates of hot
buttered toast.

"Mam, mam," he cried, "I can't eat all these."

"Shut up," the mother replied passing him a plate. "These two
pieces are for you. The rest are for your Dad!"

Mike R
=========================================================================

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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 09:45:32 CET
From: Pete Plassmann <imo%lan3.kaiserslau-emh1.army.mil@KAISERSLAU-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject:      Plane Humor

                          McDonnell Douglas
                   AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

                        Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.  In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr.  _Mrs.  _Ms.  _Miss  _Lt.  _Gen.  _Comrade  _Classified _Other

First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________

Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________

Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

  _F-14 Tomcat   _F-15 Eagle  _F-16 Falcon  _F-117A Stealth  _Classified

3. Date of purchase:  Month___________Day___________Year____________

4. Serial Number____________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one

7.  Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase
in the near future:

Product                 Own     Intend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?  Check all
that apply:

_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed (Islamic)
_Crazed (Other)
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveler's Check

12. Occupation          You     Your Spouse

Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest               You     Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500
=========================================================================

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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 09:07:00 -0500
From:         Matthew Grob <Matthew.Grob@MCHIS.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject:      HUMOR:TV Show Name <crude>

    Heard this from a friend about a friend of his who used to work for the
    Fox network.  As a writer, one of his jobs was to come up with
    suggested names for new sitcoms.  He and his buddies would prepare a
    list of real names to be submitted to studio execs, as well as a page
    of fake funny names that they came up with for their own enjoyment.  I
    say he _used_ to work for Fox because unfortunately, one day the two
    lists got mixed up and the execs received the joke names including the
    following:

          Suggested name for new sitcom starring Gary Coleman as
          a detective:  Little Black Dick
=========================================================================

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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 11:16:40 -0400
From:         Don McDaniel <mcdaniel@ANDREWS.EDU>
Subject:      HUMOR-David Koresh

I heard this one on the radio in rememberance of the Koresh incident
on WAOR 95.3 :


Q: What was David Koresh wearing when they found him?

A: Charcoal pants and a blazer.


          enjoy,


              donny mcdaniel
=========================================================================

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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 08:55:00 PDT
From:         Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <jeffrh@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject:      He's Baaaaack:  John Bobbit to remarry!

It's true!  John Wayne Bobbit is intending to remarry.  Personally, had I
gone through what he did, I don't know if I'd be that eager to get married
again.  Perhaps he has a deep-rooted need to be attached....

 --JLRH
=========================================================================

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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 10:35:54 -0600
From:         Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject:      Poll restated and a very, very sick sex/baby joke!

I must apologize. I proceded to state poll results without first
explaining what the poll was all about. It has come to my attention (and
my naiveness) that many readers don't get this stuff first hand and
therefore, here is a run down.

I started a poll (survey) to find out how many people liked the sick,
gross, disgusting, perverted, insane, crude jokes that some of us find
humor in. (Some of our *HUMOR* was slipping rapidly.) Considering there
are a whole lot more people on this list than who replyed to me, I am
having to assume that a fair representation of the HUMOR population was
represented.

The results of that poll (survey) are as follows.

yes = 84

no = 11

To the best of my knowledge, about 70% or so of the yes's were male, which
according to others, is about the right distribution on the whole list
anyway.

So, there you have it, hope this helps.


Now, this joke is not one to be read if one has a weak heart, gets queezy
when presented with madness, runs from barking dogs, or sleeps on their side
and leaves a drool pool on the pillow. (Or as Tim Allen would say, could
water the lawn if a hose was hooked up...) In other words, read at your
own risk. It was passed on to me by someone who is not a contributor. (I
told that person I'd forward all the complaints... ;-)

Q:  What is the hardest part about eating bald pussy?

A:  Taking the diaper off.

Jess
In no way do my jokes represent my thoughts! Gee whiz...
=========================================================================

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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 11:43:11 -0500
From:         Ryan Hinch <rhinch@SUN.CIS.SMU.EDU>
Subject:      HUMOR <sign language--off. to deaf>

One day a man was driving through the country when his car began to sputter
and it broke down.  There was no gas station for at least a hundred miles
where the nearest city was.  He looked around and all he could see was two
old farm houses on either side of the road.  Just then, a huge storm came
up and rain poured out of the sky and began flooding the place.  The man,
thinking his car will be washed away, takes off for one of the houses.  He
gets to the front step and rings the doorbell. No one answers so he bangs
on the door as hard as he can.  Still no one answers although he can see
that there are lights on in the house.  He rings the bell and bangs as
hard as he can, again to no avail.  He peeks in the front window and he
sees and old lady squeezing her breasts.  Amazed, the man looks in again
to see an old man rubbing his head and jacking off.  He freaks when he
sees this and runs back to his car. He sits for a while and decides he
must do something quick or his car will be gone.  So he runs over to the
other farm house.  When he gets to the front door he rings the bell.  An
old farmer answers the door and asks what can he do.  The young man says,
"Yeah. My car just broke down. Do you have a phone I could use to call a
tow truck?"  The farmer looks at him and says, "Sorry, but the only phone
in these parts is 'cross the road over at the Joneses house. They'll let
you use it though."  The man replies, "No way. I looked in the window over
there and they were engaging in some kind of weird sex.  She was squeezing
her tits and he was jacking off while rubbing his head."
The farmer laughs and says,"Oh that's just the way they communicate.  You
see, the Joneses are deaf.  She told him: it's time to milk the cows. Then
he said to her: fuck that it's raining outside."
=========================================================================

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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 11:36:04 PDT
From:         Cindy Parker <cparker@SMTP.QUESTS.COM>
Subject:      How Much Are You Worth? <may be rude>

Text item: Text_1

     And where else would this be taken from but...
                      MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL"
                                               Now, for a quiz...
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Hello there, you little bundle of guilt, shame, and
     self-aggrandizement.  How you doing?  Ever lie there in the dark late
     at night, unable to sleep [AFR, this means you], thinking to yourself,
     'How much am I worth?'  I mean true worth -- stripped down buck naked,
     without any famiy heirlooms, designer jeans, or personalized license
     plates to hide behind.  Well, now you need wonder no longer.  Now you
     can KNOW FOR SURE with this handy pocket test.  Here you go:
          EYES              EARS               BRAIN
     +3 |_| Sparkly   +0 |_| Adequate    +1 |_| Average Joe
     -3 |_| Beady     -2 |_| Too big     -1 |_| Subaverage Joe
     -4 |_| Shifty    -2 |_| Too small
     -5 |_| Bulgy     -4 |_| Stick out

           UPPER LIP        NOSE                    BREATH
     +1 |_| Stiff     +0 |_| Adequate          +1 |_| Minty
     -2 |_| Flappy    -3 |_| Honker            -2 |_| Putrid
                      -5 |_| Object of         -3 |_| Outlawed by Geneva
                             derisive laughter        convention

           POSTURE              TEETH                 CHIN
     +0 |_| Broom up -ss    +1 |_| Sparkly       +2 |_| Sturdy
     -1 |_| Question mark   -3 |_| Crooked       -3 |_| Double
     -3 |_| Quasimodo       -6 |_| Some missing  -4 |_| Triple
                                                 -5 |_| None

          MUSCLE TONE              LAUGH               BELLY[not the group]
     +1 |_| Tough-n-turgid   +1 |_| Infectious;    +3 |_| Hard as a rock
     +1 |_| Firm-n-flexible         convivial      -7 |_| Soft as a pillow
     -5 |_| Soft-n-squishy   -3 |_| Moronic;       -9 |_| Shakes like a
                                    hyena-like            bowl full of
                             -7 |_| Squealy; oinky        jelly

          GENITALS             HAIR[substituted for FUR]         KNEES
     -2 |_| Too big         +3 |_| Smooth and silky         +2 |_| Normal
     -5 |_| Too small       -2 |_| Greasy, matted,          -2 |_| Wobbly
     -9 |_| Uncooperative          dandruff-ridden
                            -3 |_| Comes out in tufts

          STAMINA                 BOWELS                       TOES
     +2 |_| All the way     +3 |_| Regular, dependable    -5  |_| Weird
     -3 |_| Huff and puff   -6 |_| Irregular, explosive   -10 |_| Painted
     -5 |_| Hey wait up     -9 |_| Does this item excite          nails
                                   you?

          TATTOOS                 SECRET SHAMES               HOBBIES
     -5 |_| "Mom"            -6  |_| Smutty fantasies   -5 |_| Guns
     -6 |_| "Dad"            -15 |_| Herpes             -3 |_| Watching
     -7 |_| "Born to Raise   -9  |_| Poetic feelings           for UFO's
             Hell"           -4  |_| Childhood name was -5 |_| Writing
     -8 |_| "Born To Diet"           "Bongobutt"               screenplays
     -9 |_| Any asrological  -7  |_| Don't understand
            sign                       this comic strip
     -10|_| Any misspelled         ______________________________________
            word                  |               YOUR WORTH             |
                                  |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
                                  |19+    Average plus, sweet dreams     |
          SEXUAL ORIENTATION      |11-18  Average, dull, bland           |
     -5 |_| Hetero                |5-10   Subaverage, dull, bland        |
     -5 |_| Homo                  |0-4    Worthless, dull, bland         |
     -5 |_| Flip a coin           |-0     You worm, you dog, you rabbit  |
                                  |______________________________________|
     ======================================================================
     Cindy Parker - Newport Beach
=========================================================================

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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 11:53:59 PDT
From:         HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  4.6    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 16 Jan 89

----------------------------------------------------

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest.
Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your
statements do merit serious consideration.  Unfortunately, the Declaration
as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to
the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement.
The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1.  In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and
    Nature's God."  What are these laws?  In what way are they the criteria
    on which you base your central arguments?  Please document with
    citations from the recent literature.
2.  In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind."  Whose
    polling data are you using?  Without specific evidence, it seems to
    us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
3.  You hold certain truths to be "self-evident."  Could you please
    elaborate.  If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be
    difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4.  "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of
    your proposal.  These are not measurable goals.  If you were to say that
    "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in
    six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers
    in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to
    raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next
    10 years," these could be measurable goals.  Please clarify.
5.  You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of
    these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it,
    and to institute a new Government...."  Have you weighed this assertion
    against all the alternatives?  What are the trade-off considerations?
6.  Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive.  Such a
    long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not
    follow it.  Your problem statement needs improvement.
7.  Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all.  You
    state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and
    that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown."  Who
    or what must change to achieve this objective?  In what way must they
    change?  What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance?
    How long will it take?  We have found that a little foresight in these
    areas helps to prevent careless errors later on.  How cost-effective are
    your strategies?
8.  Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing
    your strategy?  Who conceived it?  Who provided the theoretical research?
    Who will constitute the advisory committee?  Please submit an organization
    chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
9.  You must include an evaluation design.  We have been requiring this
    since Queen Anne's War.
10. What impact will your problem have?  Your failure to include any
    assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range
    prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and
    manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of
Independence."  We welcome the submission of your revised proposal.  Our due
date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776.  Ten copies with original
signatures will be required.

Sincerely,


Management Analyst to the British Crown
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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 15:31:51 -0400
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE<JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject:      <Humor> INTERNET Advertising

         I just picked up a copy of today's (4/19/1994) The New
York Times.  (For foreign readers that's a newspaper published in
New York City, New York State in the U.S.A., which aspires to be
as impressive as the 'real' Times <of London> and, truth be told,
probabily serves to wrap fish just as well.)

         At any rate, the first page of the Business section has
an article entitled, "An Ad (Gasp!) in Cyberspace," with the
secondary headline, "Lawyer's Message Violates 'Netiquette'".

         It seems a lawyer from Phoenix, Arizona (in the still
very Wild West of the US, where culture and custom run as deep as
the top soil) sent a thinly veiled advertisment for his services
in the form of a squib about current immigration practices.

         He received "thousands" of angry responses (the great
grey Times actually referred to them as "flames"), but he also
received "numerous queries from potential clients."

         The lawyer was hooked up to the INTERNET via a
commercial gateway called Internet Direct, Inc.  The systems
administrator for that outfit pulled the plug on the lawyer after
his ad had drawn some 30,000 responses and crashed the Internet
Direct computer "some 15 times."

         The lawyer is now threatening to sue Internet Direct for
$250,000, unless he is reconnected.

         The Times quotes the lawyer as saying:

"We will definitely advertise on the INTERNET again.  It appears
to be ... a very viable vehicle for advertising a variety of
things."

         Oh the horror of it all!! An alliterative and litigious
lawyer, floging his wares on the sacred network of networks.  I
am shocked beyond words.

         P.S.  I've got this really pretty new, but somewhat used
air conditioner in my garage that I'd really like to see go to a
good home for only a slight, very slight by todays market
standards, price.  Why not check back with me about it if you are
interested.
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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 16:29:58 EST
From:         Sim Webster <WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Math humor: to catch a lion <part 5 of 5>

(I don't know the author of the following article. I believe I downloaded it
from ALT.HUMOR.FUNNY. I am posting this humor in small lots, so you can enjoy
it. I no longer have, nor do I want the complete file. Please do not ask me to
send previous part of this set to you. HUMOR has an archive. Send the
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command INDEX HUMOR and you can download the LOGs
which contain the various solution to this important problem. :-)

Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.

4 Contributions from Computer Science.

4.1 The search method

We assume that the lion is most likely to be found in the direction to
the north of the point where we are standing.  Therefore the REAL
problem we have is that of speed, since we are only using a PC to
solve the problem.

4.2 The parallel search method.

By using parallelism we will be able to search in the direction to the
north much faster than earlier.

4.3 The Monte-Carlo method.

We pick a random number indexing the space we search.  By excluding
neighboring points in the search, we can drastically reduce the number
of points we need to consider.  The lion will according to probability
appear sooner or later.

4.4 The practical approach.

We see a rabbit very close to us.  Since it is already dead, it is
particularly easy to catch.  We therefore catch it and call it a lion.

4.5 The common language approach.

If only everyone used ADA/Common Lisp/Prolog, this problem would be
trivial to solve.

4.6 The standard approach.

We know what a Lion is from ISO 4711/X.123.  Since CCITT have specified
a Lion to be a particular option of a cat we will have to wait for a
harmonized standard to appear.  $20,000,000 have been funded for
initial investigations into this standard development.

4.7 Linear search.

Stand in the top left hand corner of the Sahara Desert.  Take one step
east.  Repeat until you have found the lion, or you reach the right
hand edge.  If you reach the right hand edge, take one step
southwards, and proceed towards the left hand edge.  When you finally
reach the lion, put it the cage.  If the lion should happen to eat you
before you manage to get it in the cage, press the reset button, and
try again.

4.8 The Dijkstra approach:

The way the problem reached me was: catch a wild lion in the Sahara
Desert. Another way of stating the problem is:

       Axiom 1: Sahara elem deserts
       Axiom 2: Lion elem Sahara
       Axiom 3: NOT(Lion elem cage)

We observe the following invariant:
       P1:     C(L) v not(C(L))
where C(L) means: the value of "L" is in the cage.

Establishing C initially is trivially accomplished with the statement
       ;cage := {}
Note 0:
This is easily implemented by opening the door to the cage and shaking
out any lions that happen to be there initially.
(End of note 0.)
The obvious program structure is then:
       ;cage:={}
       ;do NOT (C(L)) ->
               ;"approach lion under invariance of P1"
               ;if P(L) ->
                       ;"insert lion in cage"
                [] not P(L) ->
                       ;skip
               ;fi
       ;od
where P(L) means: the value of L is within arm's reach.
Note 1:
Axiom 2 ensures that the loop terminates.
(End of note 1.)
Exercise 0:
Refine the step "Approach lion under invariance of P1".
(End of exercise 0.)
Note 2:
The program is robust in the sense that it will lead to
abortion if the value of L is "lioness".
(End of note 2.)
Remark 0: This may be a new sense of the word "robust" for you.
(End of remark 0.)
Note 3:
From observation we can see that the above program leads to the
desired goal. It goes without saying that we therefore do not have to
run it.
(End of note 3.)
(End of approach.)

Part 1 posted 11 April, part 2 posted 12 April, part 3 posted 14 April
Part 4 posted 18 April, and part 5 above   Hope you enjoyed the series.
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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 16:55:42 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Adult stuff (Not offensive)

(Forwarded with permission from "Frank C. Ayers" <BDAYER1@budget.bitnet>)

I just remembered I just remembered a funny incident that only  a
kid's logic could cause to happen. Around Christmas, my mom and I
were singing carols. When we came to the line me  that  it  meant
pertaining  to  Jewish  stuff,  like  thievery pertained to thief
stuff, revelry pertained to reveling, etc.

Well, about three weeks later we went out to dinner, and I wanted
to  have  a  full dinner like my parents, but becuase I was young
(6) my dad ordered a al carte for me. When I  asked  him  when  I
would finally be able to have a full dinner, he said that I could
when I was an adult.  Remembering my mom's language  lesson,  and
figuring  that  eating  full meals must have something to do with
'adult stuff' I decided  to  display  my  linguistic  prowess  by
saying  'Oh,  when I'm older I can do adultery!'  My parents spit
their soup out, but didn't discipline me since it was an innocent
thing to do.

With a kid like me it's a wonder my dad lived to be 83.

Frank
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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 16:37:00 PDT
From: Wayland Wasserman (temp) <waylandw@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject:      FW: a little rocket science...

<forwards jettisoned>

    The Arizona (U.S.) Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering
    metal imbedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road,
    at the apex of a curve.

    The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a
    car.  The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

    The boys in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had
    happened.

    It seems that a guy had somehow got hold of a JATO unit, (Jet
    Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give
    heavy military transport planes an extra `push' for taking off from
    short airfields.  He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert,

    and found a long, straight stretch of road.  Then he attached the JATO
    unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO!!

    Best as they could determine, he was doing somewhere between 250 and
    300 mph (350-420kph) when he came to that curve....
    The brakes were completely burned away, apparently from trying to
    slow the car.

    MORAL:

    Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off'... once started, they burn at
    full thrust 'till the fuel is all gone.
------------------------------------------------------------------  79

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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 21:13:47 -0400
From:         gwen eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject:      assorted collection

-----------------------------------------------------------------

People recently gave officers these reaseons for speeding...........

1) An elderly lady told the officer "I am in a hurry to get back to the
restaurant where I left my dentures!!!"

2) A truck driver told this cop: "The onions I'm carrying made my eyes water
so badly, I couldn't see the speedometer...."

3) This young lady explained: "I just switched from regular-unleaded to that
new premium-unleaded gasoline, and it made my car go faster......"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

        Two girls were walking along the road when a toad croaked, "Kiss me
and
I'll turn into a handsome Texas oilman."  One of the girls stooped over,
picked the toad up and stuffed it into her purse.
        "Aren't you going to kiss him?" the other asked in amazement.
        "Texas oilmen ain't worth a hoot these days,' she explained, "but a
talkin'
toad's worth a fortune!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
A visitor to one of the Aleutian Islands, off Alaska, broke his glasses.
 He was told by his guide that he couldn't get the glasses repaired until
he returned to a city in Alaska.

"You mean there aren't any optometrists on the island?" said the man.

"If you see one," replied the guide, "it will just be an optical Aleutian.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Transitional Logic
1) Marriage is an institution
2) Marriage is Love
3) Love is Blind

Therefore, Marriage is an institution for the Blind.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

There was this doctor that always went to the country club and ordered an
almond daquiri.  It was his standard.  Anyway, one day the bartender was
out of almonds so he substituted something else.  The doctor came in and
ordered the usual.  When he got it, he tasted it and said to the bartender
" Hey, is this my usual almond daquiri?"   The bartender replied, " No, that
is a hickory daquiri, doc."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 21:21:24 -0400
From:         gwen eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject:      cow education

COW EDUCATION:  To get into the Indian civil service, you have to
demonstrate your English skills in essay form.  The delightful example
which follows was written by a successful candidate, I hear from
reader Desh Deepak Khanna of Chandigarh, who sent it in.


            "The cow is a successful animal.  Also he is
       quadruped and because he is female, he give milk, but will
       do so only when he is get child.  He is same like God,
       sacred to Hindus and useful to man.  But he has got four
       legs together.  Two are foward and two are afterwards.
            "His whole body can be utilised for use.  More so the
       milk.  What can it do?  Various ghee, butter, cream, curd,
       whey and the condensed milk and so farth.
            "His motion is slow only because he is of aslitudinous
       species.  Also his other motion is much useful to trees,
       plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in
       the sun.  Cow is the only animal that extracates his feeing
       after eating.  Then, afterward she chew with his teeth whom
       are situated in the inside of the mouth.  He is incessantly
       in the meadows on the grass.  He has got tail also, but not
       like similar animals.  It has hairs on the other end of the
       other side.  This is the cow."
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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 22:09:42 EDT
From:         Whitmark Christop CDT <x63555f1@USMA3.USMA.EDU>
Subject:      Joke non-offensive

First, thanks for all the corrections on my last post about the Marines.  I
didn't get the song right, and I am sorry, but that is probably why I am not a
Marine.

This joke is not funny to read, but should be good to play on someone else, I
got a kick out of it.

I was driving down the road the other day and saw a hitchhiker.  So I stopped
and picked him up.  Well, he got in the back seat with a bag.  Well, my
friend,
being nosey, asked him what was in the bag.  He said, "none of your business."
OK.  So we go on a few more minutes, and my friend asked agian, "hey whats in
the bag?"  He again said, "none of your business."  Well, this sounded too
fishy for us so we pulled over and told him to get out.  Well, he jumped out
and we took off.  My friend looks in the bcak seat and sees the bag.
**Now the person listening to the joke has to ask, "whats in the bag?"**
You say, "none of your business."

Chris

Go Army Sailing!     O -
Catch the Breeze!     ^
                     \_/  Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking!
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Date:         Tue, 19 Apr 1994 22:18:34 EST
From:         Clarity Hands <CLEAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      The Japanese won the boat race

Once upon a time, an America Aerospace comapny and their Japanese
counterpart decided to have a competitive boat race on the St. John
River.  Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance.  On the big day they both felt as ready as they could be.

The Japanese won by a mile!

Afterwords, the American team became very discouraged by the loss and
the morale sagged.  Corporate management decided that the reason for
the crushing defeat had to be found.  A continuous "Measurable
Improvement Team" was set up to investigate the problem and to
recommend appropriate corrective action.  Their conclusion:

The problem was that the Japanese team had eight people rowing, and
one person steering, whereby the American team had one person rowing
and eight people steering.  The American Corporate Steering Committee
immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management
structure.  After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting
firm concluded that "too many people were steering, and not enough
were rowing."

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the teams
management structure was totally reorganized to four steering
managers, three area steering managers, one staff steering manager and
a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more
incentive to work harder.  "We must give him empowerment and
enrichment, that ought to do it."

The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance, sold all the paddles, cancelled all capitol investments
for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, gave a "High
Performance" award to the consulting firm, and distributed the money
saved on bonuses to the senior executives.
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