Digest for Monday, April 18, 1994

There are 17 messages totalling 779 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Academic life + a sober warning on libel on the Net
  2. truth stranger than fiction....
  3. 4 Medical: Deaf Wife, Commie, Doc bad in bed, Passing BBs
  4. More Politically Correct Definitions
  5. Weird News: Theft
  6. Math humor: To catch a lion
  7. PRACTICAL FIRST AIDS FOR HOME ACCIDENTS. PART II OF II.
  8. The "NEW" Slang Of Love(non-offensive)
  9. 9 Secret Love Techniques... (may be off. to women)
  10. 2nd Graders (mildly crude, but hilarious).
  11. Top Ten Rejected Dr. Seuss Titles
  12. final poll results & couple of jokes
  13. Life 4.6 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 16 Jan 89
  14. Sex joke
  15. More Rejected Childrens Book Titles
  16. Rude humor: 3 kinds of sex
  17. Cross-cultural humor: How to cook dog


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 10:53:00 GMT+0800
From:         Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T) <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject:      <HUMOR> Academic life + a sober warning on libel on the Net

Later a brief report on the result of a court case in Australia, which all
regular contributors to the Net should be aware of - it's not humour so skip
it
if your not in the mood. However, the first has been taken from the UK's Times
Higher Education Supplement in its section called "AntiTHESis", which looks at
the more humouress side of academia.

*Divine intention*
Glasgow University's divinity faculty, under instructions to merge with
another
planning unit for administrative convenience, has finally decided to opt for
social sciences. This caused some disquiet in the social sciences faculty,
which, it was argued, had a secular tradition. But James White, reporting the
debate in the university newsletter, concludes the new link might do wonders
for the image of social sciences. As he points out: "If it is a good thing to
have God on your side, how infinitely better it must be to have Him in your
planning unit."

Quoted from Julian Barnes' "Talking it over "
"What would be the most effective cure for sexual immorality, for
wife-stealing"? Full employment with every adult male working the same hours,
9.00 to 5.30. Oh, and Saturdays as well, let's get back to the six-day week.
THere'd have to be exceptions made for airline pilots and so on. Of course
airline pilots and their crews are notoriously immoral, plus of course
university lecturers, actors and actresses, doctors, nureses, etc. You see
what
I mean? None of them work regular hours."

LIBEL ON THE NET

There is currently a report being forwarded around the Net concerning a
judegement in a recent network defamation case in Western Australia (courtesy
of Archie Zariski of Murdoch University). Briefly the case was:
An anthropologist from USA had been employed in Australia but in 1993 he was
dismissed - something which at the time caused a considerable amount of
international interest (according to the report). Another anthropologist in
USA
then sent a critical message about the University concerned on a qorldwide
science anthropology bulletin board. A message was sent in reply by someone in
Australia (the defendant to be) which contained some fairly critical and
personal comments about the original sender and about the academic who was
dismissed. Comments included references to sexual practices, academic ability,
racism and alcohol consumption. During the case in court it appears that the
fact that these messages were being sent on a worldwide bulletin board was a
major element in the decision to find for the plaintiff and in the amount of
damages ($40,000 Australian I assume).

Sorry to include something that is outside the Humor set of criteria, but
recollecting some of the comments made on this list in the past it is well
worth everyone appreciating the potential for response.

[As a side comment one of my colleagues took the funnier side of this case and
sent a message to me by email commenting that he couldn't see how the
allegations of sexual misconduct, plagiarism, drinking, etc. could be damaging
as such was true of all academics. I replied that I'd forward his message onto
all the academic lists that I subscribed to so that all the academics could
sue
him for libel. In retrospect I wonder whether we will see such a thing happen
and will there be lawyers eagerly reading through email messags to see if they
can detect libellous comments. Will we start getting messages from lawyers
offering to win us millions because of a comment sent on the Net!]

Mike R
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 01:57:40 EDT
From:         Nic van der Vyver <zawlhc9h@IBMMAIL.COM>
Subject:      truth stranger than fiction....

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

Subject: truth stranger than fiction....


... even if it >>hurts<<!!


*   At a press conference, Nelson Mandela's response to a question on
    his organisation's views on nationalisation :
    "We're going to mine our own business."

*   Apparently John Waddington of the "Monopoly" game fame is being
    investigated for alleged anti-trust violations in the U.S.A.
    Will he move to gaol, direct to gaol without passing go?

*   Sticker on the back of a huge powerful big-wheeled Toyota Land
    Cruiser : "Have you driven over a Ford lately?"   (reference to
    "Have you driven a Ford lately?" ads running in South Africa
    at the moment).

______________________________________________________________________

(I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead)

Nico.
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 11:21:30 BST
From:         Adam BJ Quantrill <adam@KBSS.BT.CO.UK>
Subject:      4 Medical: Deaf Wife, Commie, Doc bad in bed, Passing BB's<crude>

Four jokes with medical themes from my friend. I haven't seen these on
NUMOR, but again apologies if you've seen them elsewhere.....


   A man is talking to the family doctor.  "Doc, I think my wife's going
deaf."
   The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her
hearing.  Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question.  If she
doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again.  Keep repeating this until
she answers.  Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really
is."
   The man goes home and tries it out.  He walks in the door and says, "Honey,
what's for dinner?"  He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"  Still no answer.  He repeats this several times,
until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
   Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having
MEATLOAF!"



A man goes to the doctor for a checkup.  After the checkup, the doctor tells
the
man he has bad news.  "You only have six months to live."  The man sits for a
while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to
become a Communist."  The doctor says, "You've been a patriotic American all
your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?"  The man says,
"Better
one of them should die than one of us."


   A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.  "You aren't
so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.  By midmorning, he
decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.  After many rings, his wife
picked up the phone.
   "What took you so long to answer?"
   "I was in bed."
   "What were you doing in bed this late?"
   "Getting a second opinion."



A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first
time in their lives.  The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that
they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements.  She goes home
and wonders exactly what iron supplements are.  Finally, she goes to the
hardward store and buys iron ball bearings (BB's) and mixes them into their
food.
Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is
pissing BB's.  She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in
his food.  Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping
BB's.  Again, she says that it is ok.  That evening the
eldest son comes in very upset.  He says "Ma, you won't believe what
happened".  She says "I know, you're passing BB's".  "No",
he says.  "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog".
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 07:50:36 -0400
From:         Larry Randall <randall@MAILSTORM.DOT.GOV>
Subject:      More Politically Correct Definitions

Thanks for the fan mail.  It looks like I have kicked off a round of
political correctness.  Her are some more of my favorites:

alternatively concise - long winded; verbose

autoeuthanasia - a more sensitive term for suicid; voluntary death

botanical companion - a favorite tree; house plant; floral companion

cerebrally challenged - stupid

chemically inconvenienced - under the influence of alcohol or drugs

cerebro-atmospheric individual - airhead

consensual nonmonogamy - swaping sex partners
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 09:57:42 -0400
From:         Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject:      Weird News: Theft

From the Daily Collegian

State College, PA -- State College police said someone entered a house at
500 East Beaver Avenue Saturday night and took two bottles of wine, two
boxes of Triscuits and an undetermined amount of bread from a refrigerator.

The suspect then consumed the food and beverages on the porch, leaving a
mess behind, police said.
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 10:36:14 EST
From:         Sim Webster <WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Math humor: To catch a lion <part 4 of 5>

(I don't know the author of the following article. I believe I downloaded it
from ALT.HUMOR.FUNNY. I am posting this humor in small lots, so you can enjoy
it. I no longer have, nor do I want the complete file. Please do not ask me to
send previous part of this set to you. HUMOR has an archive. Send the
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command INDEX HUMOR and you can download the LOGs
which contain the various solution to this important problem. :-)

Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.

3 Experimental Physics Methods

3.1 The thermodynamics method

We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions
pass through.  This we drag across the desert.

3.2 The atomic fission method

We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons.  The lion becomes
radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration
process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist.

3.3 The magneto-optical method

We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria)
such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal
component of the earth's magnetic field.  We put the cage in one of the
field's foci . Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of
magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows,
a high iron content.  The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert
inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions.  Afterwards the
lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the
resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense.

[1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real
    Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457
[2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3
[3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch der
    Funktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch every lion
    except for at most one.
[4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of its Applications" (1933),
    pp 73-74
[5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89
[6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8
    (1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107
[7] ibid
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 08:47:38 MEX
From:         Antonio Oliveros <OLIVEROS@IBERO.UIA.MX>
Subject:      PRACTICAL FIRST AIDS FOR HOME ACCIDENTS. PART II OF II.

    AND NOW THE SECOND PART OF THIS PRACTICAL FIRST AID GUIDE.

STRANGE OBJECTS IN EYE:
  In this case, you have to examine the NATURE OF THE OBJECT, IF IT EXEEDS THE
  value  of  the  eye, say, a  diamond, ONE GOLD COIN, A BEEF STEAK OR 1 OZ OF
  uranium,  the  best  thing  to do is tO EXTRACT THE EYE AND LEAVE THE OBJECT
  inthe  eye's  place.  That  person  wiLL  BE  BENEFITIATED  WITH THE CHANGE,
  because in this days profits  are  eveRYTHING.
  But if the person wants to keep his owN  EYE  FOR  SENTIMENTAL  REASONS, YOU
  must extract the object, carefully rinSE IT AND WHEN DRY, PLACE IT ON  OTHER
  people's eye, this person MUST be less SENTIMENTAL AND MORE MATERIAL.
  Then you can aplly the first procedure.

SYNCOPE:
  Also known as swoon or faint. In the pAST VERY  POPULAR IN  BETWEEN  LADIES.
  nowadays is very popular between males, ESPECIALY PARENTS, WHO  HAVE TO  PAY
  for tuitions, taxes, credit cards amonG OTHER CALAMITIES OF OUR DAYS.
  The  best  thing  to do, or at least tHE MOS HUMANITARIAN THING TO DO, IS TO
  let this poor guy die, so he can at laST REST IN PEACE.

HICCUP:
  In  the  past, the  best  thing  to do IN THIS CASE, USED TO BE TO SCARE THE
  patient, unfortunately  nowadays  peopLE  HAVE  LOST  THE CAPABILITIE TO GET
  scared  of  anything, so the best thinG TO DO IS TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH THE
  victim of this desease, drinking sometING LIKE CHIVAS REGAL WHISKY OR  MAYBE
  Bacardi Rum, you have to keep him tellING YOU A REALY  LONG SPEECH, LIKE THE
  ONES IN THE CONGRESS.

BITE:
  ( Some   explanation   needed:  In   MEXICO  WE   CALL   BRIBES  'MORDIDAS',
    that translates in bite. )
  If it is a  dog  bite, you'd better taKE THAT PERSON AND THE DOG TO A HEALTH
  institution, But if it is a cop bite oR A BUREAUCRAT BITE, THERE IS  NOTHING
  to do, you have to pay or you may suffER LINES, PAPERWORK, LOST OF TIME  AND
  DOCUMENTATION. SORRY, NO KNOWN REMEDY.

Stork visit:
  Even it happens in the home, most  of  THE  TIMES  IN  THE BEDROOM, WE CAN'T
  consider this a home accident, so we rEFUSE TO TALK ABOUT IT. AND  ONCE  YOU
  have knowledge of this situation, you CAN'T DO ANYTHING, UNLESS YOU ARE  THE
  KIND OF PERSON WHO BELIEVES IN PREMATURE UNCORKING.

HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS JEWEL OF MEXICAN HUMOR.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Antonio Oliveros.         |      //////    | DON'T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY,
Iberoamericana University.|     //  00     | YOU WILL  NEVER  GET OUT OF IT
Mexico City.              |     |@   >     | alive.
----------------------------oOo--------oOO------------------------------------
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 12:30:37 -0400
From:         Joshua J. Guers <guer2587@ACAD.CSV.KUTZTOWN.EDU>
Subject:      The "NEW" Slang Of Love(non-offensive)

These words and phrases came to me, more or less, after reading Cindy
Parker's message containing the "Slang of Love."

                The NEW Slang Of Love(or sex, you decide)

                        that peaceful, easy, feeling
                        truckin'
                        Bonus Sprint
                        eating Muslix
                        Fast Money
                        hitting the Daily Double
                        that nagging, itching, burning sensation
                        doin' a happy dance
                        winning both showcases
                        throwing up in a tuba
                        mattress mombo
                        like those little hangers that come with new socks
                        climbing the $25,000 pyramid
                        lovin', touchin', squeezin'
                        that spam-like feeling
                        anvil-on-the-head
                        hitting the plunger
                        post-nasal drip
                        lactose intollerant

I can go on. But for everybody's sake, I won't. See Ya!!!!!!!!!

                                                JOSH GUERS
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 09:55:32 PDT
From:         Cindy Parker <cparker@SMTP.QUESTS.COM>
Subject:      9 Secret Love Techniques... (may be off. to women)

Text item: Text_1

     ...Women Find Well-Nigh Irresistible
                   FROM MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL"
     Opinions expressed in this post are certainly *not* those of its
                                contributor.
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     MEN! Ever meet that special female lady person of our fair sex, the
     women, and she give you a look like you was a warthog from hell?  Lots
     of times?  Well listen, bro, things could be plenty different once you
     master the 9 Secret Love Techniques Women Find Well-Nigh Irresistible.
     Plenty different.  So settle down, take off them boots, chow down on a
     Hungry-Man TV dinner and a bottle of lite beer, belch a couple times,
     rub yer face, let out a whoop, spit on the floor, and check this out.
     1. CLEAN UP YER ACT!  That's right!  Take a shower every week and
     scrub that grit off!  The smelly caveman look so popular last season
     is definitely declasse nowadays.
     2. GET A NICKNAME!  That's right!  Nothing piques the curiosity of a
     woman like an evocative nickname.  Tattoo it in your chest for easy
     reference.  Examples: "Powerhouse", "Mad Dog", "Elvis", "Big Pee Wee",
     "Janitor in a Drum".  **Example**  HE: "But my friends call me
     'Chunk-Style'."
     3. BE MASCULINE*! (*Masculine = like a man)  That's right!  Move yer
     arms around.  Flex yer muscles.  Puff out yer chest.  Stand up
     straight.  Swagger down the street.  Squint.  Snarl.  Sneer.  Mutter
     angry gibberish to no one in particular.  Don't take no guff.
     **Example**  HE: "Grrr.  Grunt.  Feh."
     4. COPY HER GESTURES!  Yep!  Drives 'em wild.  If she leans forward,
     you lean forward.  If she scratches her nose, you scratch your
     own [<-- important] nose.  This shows you are both synchronized with
     the universe or something.  Works like a charm.  **Example**  BOTH:
     "Are you mocking me?  No.  Help!  Police!"
     5. PREEN YERSELF BUT GOOD!  That's no jive!  Women dig that extra
     touch that tells 'em "This guy is nifty".  Things like a sporty new
     haircut, blinking chest medallion, or handy pencil tucked behind the
     ear.  Remember: you can never use too much aftershave lotion.
     **Example**  HE: "Hey, wanna see my new wrist calculator?"
     6. LISTEN AT HER!  Uh-huh!  Nothing -- but nothing -- puts a woman
     offguard like if she thinks yer paying attention to her ceaseless
     prattle.  Meanwhiles, you got some important thinking of yer own to
     get done -- so ya gotta learn the subtle gestures and murmurs that'll
     keep you out of hot water!  Hot doggies!  **Example**  HE: "My my.
     Hmmm.  Is that so?  Well ain't that a corker."
     7. GIVE HER THE OLD ONCE-OVER!  Nyup!  When a guy looks a woman up and
     down from the top of her new perm to the bottom of her stiletto heels,
     it's like saying, "You're the hostess with the mostest!"  This
     courtship ritual is used the world over, from the lowliest sea slug to
     our most eminent brainy science guys.  **Example**  HE: "Gol!  Shucks!
     Woo woo! Ooh la la!  Merci beaucoups!  I yi yi!"
     8. SHOW HER WHO'S BOSS!  Watch out!  This one's a doozy, what with all
     the ding-dang fuss over "equality", "freedom", and "justice".  But if
     you stick to yer guns, jut out yer chin like a tough guy, and bellow
     "Ahh, shuddup" enough times, she'll get the message.  Remember: some
     women are easier to fool than others.  **Example**  HE: "I said
     getcher -ss in here."  SHE: "WHAT?"  HE: "Oh -- nothing."
     9. Give her this guide, drop to yer knees, yelp like a wounded pup and
     say: "I guess I'm just too sensitive."
     ______________________________________________________________________
     Cindy Parker - Newport Beach, CA
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 10:49:38 PST
From:         John Bullwinkle Wenker <WENKER@IVY1.NOSC.MIL>
Subject:      2nd Graders (mildly crude, but hilarious).

Greetings, all!

Well, next week I begin a new job (hooray!), and more than likely give up
my connectivity in the process.  (Ironically, my new company does LAN/WAN
protocols/connections!).  So this is probably the last posting I'll be
able to make for a long, long time... and yes, it's long (but well worth
it!).  Keep in mind that I have no artistic talent... especially in ASCII.

There was a class of second graders.  For their assignment, the teacher
decided that they would draw a class picture, where each pupil draws
something on the picture, then hands it to the next pupil who will add to
it.  So the teacher starts off by giving the blank sheet of paper to
little Mary, the star student, and she draws this:
                               ____
                              |soap|
                              `----'

The teacher says, "That's very nice, Mary.  What is it?" [daa...].  Mary
explains that it's a bar of soap.  "Okay, now hand over the paper and
crayons to Timmy and let him draw something."  Mary complies, and gives
the junk to Timmy, who thinks for awhile, then adds to the picture as
follows:
                                /^\
                             /       \
                           /|  ____   |\
                            | |soap|  |
                            | `----'  |

Again the teacher inquires, "What's that, Timmy?"  Timmy says, "That's the
house that the bar of soap is in."  The teacher acknowledges, telling him
how nice it is, and to pass it on to the next pupil.

The next pupil receives the supplies, scratches his head, then adds to the
picture as follows:
                                /^\
                             /(     )\
                           /|  `\./'  |\
                            |  ____   |
                            | |soap|  |
                            | `----'  |

The teacher is kind of confused by this, and asks the child to explain his
work.  "That's the snow that's on top of the house that the bar of soap is
in."  The teacher exclaims, "Oh!  I see.  That's very nice."  Again the
supplies are passed on to the next student, who proceeds to add to the
picture
as follows:
                               \ | /
                              - ( ) -
                               / | \

                                /^\
                             /(     )\
                           /|  `\./'  |\
                            |  ____   |
                            | |soap|  |
                            | `----'  |

When asked to explain the picture, the pupil remarked, "That's the sun
that's
melting the snow that's on top of the house that the bar of soap is in."
The
teacher exclaims, "That's very nice," and is very pleased with the way the
class picture is progressing.  Then it's... well... let's say it's John's
turn
to add to the picture (since that's my name).  John receives the picture
and
crayons, then makes the following addition to the class picture:
                             _________
                        _.-/           \-._
                      _/                   \_
                     /         \ | /         \
                    |         - ( ) -         |
                   |           / | \           |
                  |                             |
                   |            /^\            |
                    |        /(     )\        |
                     \     /|  `\./'  |\     /
                       \    |  ____   |    /
                    _____\  | |soap|  |  /_____
                   (________| `----'  |________)

The teacher looks at the picture with a blank stare, not being able to
figure
out the significance, so she asks John to explain.  John responds, "That's
my
dad when he drops the bar of soap in the shower!"

Hope you enjoyed,

John Wenker, soon-to-be-ex Senior Programmer Analyst
Unisys Corporation
San Diego, CA
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 14:37:53 -0400
From:         gwen eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten Rejected Dr. Seuss Titles

Top Ten Rejected Dr. Seuss Titles

10. Lorax II: Machine-gun Vengeance
 9. Green Egg-Beaters and Tofu (Low Cholesterol Edition)
 8. The Cat in the Hat in the Frat
 7. Bartholomew Cubbins and the Above-ground Testing
 6. Hops for Pops
 5. The Cat in the Provocative Negligee
 4. Horton Picks a Scab
 3. The Grinch Who Shoplifted Arbor Day
 2. Horton Finds Waldo and Tramples Him
 1. Son of Sam I Am




         ...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---
         -     gwen eckman    creatures kissing in the rain   .
         - fool@chopin.udel.edu   eckman@freezer.cns.udel.edu .
         -      i think it's dark and it looks like rain      .
         ...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 12:50:41 -0600
From:         Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject:      final poll results & couple of jokes <tasteless>

Final numbers:

        yes = 84
        no = 11

Keep the sick ones coming...I guess! ;-)


Q: What's invisible and smells like canned dog food?

A: Old people's farts.


Q: What's the definition of feminine deodorant spray?

A: Around-the-cock protection.


Q: What goes "Ha! Ha! Thump! Thump!"

A: A man laughing his balls off.

Jess
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 13:42:05 PDT
From:         HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  4.6    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 16 Jan 89

----------------------------------------------------

From the Booth News Service, December 22, 1988:

(Flint, Mich.) - Maybe it's just because he's an amateur. Or maybe he
harbored a Freudian wish to be caught.
        Whatever the reason, police had little trouble tracing a man who
allegedly held up a service station in Flint Township over the weekend. The
robber fled with $70, wearing a high school varsity jacket with his name on
the back. The suspect, 24, was to have been arraigned Monday.

----------------------------------------------------

A man went rushing into a church for something he had forgotten, but he
was stopped cold by a huge sign the janitor had placed in front of the
floor that he had just washed.  It read: PLEASE DON'T WALK ON THE WATER.

----------------------------------------------------

     Two Jesuit candidates are talking to their superior about a problem
they both have: impure thoughts. As a penance, the superior tells them that
they must put peas in their shoes for a week.
     A few days later one of the Jesuits is walking down the street or I
should
say, struggling. The dry hard peas in his shoes are killing him. He can
barely walk from the pain.
      He meets his superior who says, "Hah, that'll make you limp!"
      He meets the other Jesuit who is walking just fine, no trouble at all.
When he asks him about it, the other replies, "The superior didn't say we
couldn't _boil_ the peas now, did he."
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 15:20:00 CST
From:         DANRICH SCOT <ACSLABSAD@ORION.DEPAUL.EDU>
Subject:      Sex joke <mild, off. to superhypersensitives>

Howdy, friends & nieghbors!!!

Believe it or not, (probably yes), I got this one from my Girlfriend's
oldest. (He's 14)

A Mr. Dillon walks into a psychiatrists office with his wife.  She tells him
"All he ever thinks about it sex, sex, sex, and I'm tired of it!!!   We've
been to 3 other doctors, and they couldn't help, so now it's in your hands."

     The wife leaves, and the doctor starts right in.   The doctor tries to
get him to talk about his childhood, but it he soon starts talking about sex.
Next he tries to get Mr. Dillon to talk about his job, but once again, the
talk turns to sex.  The good doctor tries a variety of approaches:
     Hobbies - "Sex!"
     Sports  - "Sex!"
     Fishing - "Sex!"
     Dreams  - "Sex!"
     He even tries the 'inkblot' test, but to no avail. - "Sex!"

     At this, the doctor believes he has hit on something - That every
subject has been too general; So he decides to show him pictures of specific
things.
     First, he shows him a picture of a car. - "Sex!"
     Next, a picture of a boat. - "Sex!"
     A house. - "Sex!"
     A tree. - "Sex!"



At this point, the doctor has had enough.  He shouts:  "How can you think of
sex when I show you a picture of a house !?!, or a tree !?!  I can understand
a car or a boat, But a house or a tree!?!?!"

     Mr Dillon looks at him and says:
      "What are you yelling at me for, Doc -
        You're the one with all the dirty pictures!!!"


Yeah, it was sad, but told the right way, it's pretty funny.

P.S.- There's another version using 'breasts' instead of 'sex', but it's
      difficult to describe the sound of winshield wipers textually.

     Tanxs fer da laffs youse Guys & Gals,
                              -=* Scot Danrich *=-
                         (acslabsad@orion.depaul.edu)

P.S. - Anyone who lives on Oahu, Please contact me.
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 17:51:58 -0400
From:         Andrew B Stellman <roo+@CMU.EDU>
Subject:      More Rejected Children's Book Titles

Recently, the top ten rejected Dr. Seuss book titles were posted. Here
are some other titles for those interesed...

The NOT RECOMMENDED FOR YOUNGER READERS reading list:

Curious George And The Hefty Lawn-And-Leaf Bag
Pointy, Pointy, POINTY Scissors!  (by Dr. Seuss)
Hardy Boys #78: The Pinko Menace
The Police Raid The Secret Garden
Ariel And Some Of Her Unsavoury Friends
A Child's First Book Of Trepanation
Nancy Drew And The Lusty Longshoremen
The Berenstein Bears Go Wiccan

and, naturally,

The Five Little Peppers Do Bong Hits



Andy ... avid reader of child pornogr -- er, I mean, literature
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 21:27:36 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Rude humor: 3 kinds of sex

3 KINDS OF SEX

1.  HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the
    house, in every room.

2.  BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married a while, you just have
    sex in the bedroom.

3.  HALL SEX  - After you have been married for many, many years you
    just pass each other in the hall and say "F___ you".
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Mon, 18 Apr 1994 23:00:54 EDT
From:         Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      Cross-cultural humor: How to cook dog

Newsgroups: alt.cooking-chien
From: uck@netcom.com (Tom Chamberlain)
Subject: alt.cooking-chien

About TIME!!!!

My [Korean] girlfriend has been waiting for ages for an honest
discussion group to talk about different preperation techniques for
Man's Best Friend. She will be SOOOOO happy to hear about this. She
makes this Garlic Dauchshund which is without parallel, although it
kind of tastes like chicken, just stringier. It helps with a tad of
this Thai sauce called tuong of sriracha which really puts the bark
back into the bite. Well, enjoy!


Source:  alt.humor.best-of-usenet

Couple of Listowner notes:

1. If you subscribe to HUMOR via a self-pay service like CompuServe,
Prodigy, Delphi, AOL, etc., I would like some feedback about how
well things are working for you and your HUMOR subscription. If
get some substantial results from this survey, I'll post the result
to the list. Many of our student members will be giving up their
account for the summer and may find the feedback useful in determining
whether they can access the internet from their summer home.

2. We've only got about 200 contributors. I'd be happy to have more,
even if you will be an infrequent contributor. Send me a request and
I'll send you an application & an instruction file. Our contributors
are doing a great job.

3. I'm making an effort to obtain more international site members and
contributors. English speakers, please be considerate of our
English-as-a-second language speakers who contribute humor from their
culture. Part of diversity of HUMOR is that this listowner wants
more international participation. Of course we want more members and
contributors, regardless of your background. If you can help promote
HUMOR (especially to international sites), I would appreciate you
assistance and suggestions. Enjoy the HUMOR of the world, Bill

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
=====================================================================
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index