Digest for Sunday, April 17, 1994

There are 7 messages totalling 213 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Religious with a government twist
  2. Religious humor: Atheist joke
  3. Spies: which side?
  4. HUMOR: condom in animal orgy (sick)
  5. "SCRABBLE" CLUES, etc.
  6. French redefined


Date:         Sun, 17 Apr 1994 01:29:38 -0500
From:         Mark Darrall <00mtdarrall@LEO.BSUVC.BSU.EDU>
Subject:      Religious with a government twist

Found this in a book dealing with Urban Planning a field that has as an
integral element dealings with government agencies and the like. This was
cited as an example of what a planner's job is like:

God told Moses that He had good news and bad news.
"The good news first," said Moses.
"I'm planning to part the Red Sea to allow you and your people to walk
right through and escape from Egypt," said God, adding, "and when the
Egyptian soldiers pursue, I'll send the water back on top of them."
"Wonderful," Moses replied, "but what's the bad news, Lord?"
"You write the environmental impact statement."

Best always,

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Date:         Sun, 17 Apr 1994 12:50:16 EST
From:         Clarity Hands <CLEAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Religious humor: Atheist joke <profane>

Haven't you heard that Easter has been cancelled?  They found the
body. Christmas is also been cancelled because Joseph confessed.

Having said that I will don my asbestos suit. It's tough being an
athiest. We don't have any holidays.

Pleazzze, don't send me hate mail. I didn't write it. I think it is a
terrible joke. :-]

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Date:         Sun, 17 Apr 1994 12:19:55 -0700
From:         Mark R Panitz <mpanitz@EIS.CALSTATE.EDU>
Subject:      <funny sayings>

I went to La Salsa last night, their motto is Fresh Food, FRESH PEOPLE ....
(I laughed my head off, when I read it!) <GRIN>

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Date:         Sun, 17 Apr 1994 16:35:01 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Spies: which side?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ok chief.  Here's my latest status report.
> The plan is progressing well.  Ames's plan was
> really a stroke of genius.  Not only is the American
> public convinced, but recent documents show that the
> KGB has taken it hook, line, and sinker.
> The 'escape' plans have been finalized.  Our contact
> in Cuba has already 'planted' the seed, and the two of
> them should be in Moscow within the week.   Then it's
> just a matter of sitting back and waiting for thier
> reports to come in.
> Initial reports indicate he will be in early, and be
> in deep.  He will be the best damn mole we've ever had!
> I will await the final approval.
> Max.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Max:
} There is a change in status between our side and their side. Although
} we have always kept our side in opposition with their side, now there
} are other sides we need to onsider. Because of this, our side and
} their side are secretly joining sides so that our (combined) side can
} work against the other side(s).
} I know this seems confusing to you, but think of it this way: Now that
} their side is our side and our side works with their side, both sides
} are the same side and the other side is whatever side is left. The
} agents who were inside their side are now outside the other sides.
} Besides, agents of their side who got inside the other sides are now on
} our side. We've even got some leftists on the right side!
} As to Ames, he's on our side, but worked enough for their side so that
} when he got inside our side their side thought he was still on their
} side even though he was always on our side. Now that both sides are the
} same side, we want the other side to think that he's always been on
} their side (not the other side!) and that his escape to their side is a
} problem for our side, when actually he's moving sideways, from one side
} of our side to the other side of our side.
} Good work. Continue as planned. Cover your backside.
}     Chief
} You owe the Oracle a two-sided Mobius strip made out of copper. Please
} make sure that it is silver-plated on one side and gold-plated on the
} other.

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Date:         Sun, 17 Apr 1994 21:16:41 -0400
From:         Lonely Vicious <arteaga@CS.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      HUMOR: condom in animal orgy (sick)

        (translated from a joke by Fernando Herrera)
        The animals in the forest are bored, so they decide to organize
an orgy. The lion, being the king, states the rules of the party :
                1) Nobody can mate with an animal of the same species.
                2) No condoms can be used.
        All the animals hail the lion and the public rejoicing starts.
Shortly, the king decides to check whether all the animals are obeying the
rules, so he looks around and sees the elephant wearing a condom.
        LION - My elephant, you are disobeying me by using a condom !
You'll have to be punished !
        ELEPHANT - No, see, it's the boa sucking my dick...

        Lonely Vicious

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Date:         Sun, 17 Apr 1994 23:17:54 -0400
From:         Joshua J. Guers <guer2587@ACAD.CSV.KUTZTOWN.EDU>
Subject:      "SCRABBLE" CLUES, etc.

Hi everybody! I'm Josh Guers and I'm trapped at Kutztown University
trying to write funny stuff so people will laugh. The following are some
clues and answers from the TV game show SCRABBLE.

Building on the letter "T", 8 letters: "After Thanksgiving dinner, some
guys go out in the yard and pass it."  ((FOOTBALL))

Building on the letter "R", 5 letters: "Some farmers whip it out in the
field."  ((HORSE))

Building on the letter "P", 9 letters: "Alone in their room, some lonely
guys stare at it and wonder why they even have one."  ((TELEPHONE))

Building on the letter "G", 5 letters: "Some women scream with pleasure
when they finally have one."  ((BINGO))

Building on the letter "U", 8 letters: "Some guys would like to put their
heads between a warm pair of these."  ((EARMUFFS))

Building on the letter "C", 7 letters: "Some teenage boys carry the same
one around in their wallets for years."  ((LICENSE))

Building on the letter "V", 6 letters: "He led the league in scoring in
1989."  ((GARVEY))

Just like the gentleman asking for "Match Game" questions, I'd like to
see if anybody else out there in HUMOR land has any SCRABBLE clues that
are suggestive like the ones above. If I receive any, they obviously will
be posted to the list. Thanks!!

          Josh Guers<guer2587@acad.csv.kutztown.edu>

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Date:         Sun, 17 Apr 1994 23:31:51 -0400
From:         gwen eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject:      French redefined

These are from the New York magazine competition where they asked
competitors to change ONE letter in a familiar non-English phrase
and redefine it.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail
IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered
J'Y SUIS, J'Y PESTES - I can stay for the weekend
COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle
RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots
QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The King is dead.  No kidding.
POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old
FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat
HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food
VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort
ALOHA OY - Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know
MAZEL TON - Lots of luck
APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Larry and Curly get wet
PORTE-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine
ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough
FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine
VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave chateau without it
CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip
MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'.
AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here
L'ETAT, C'EST MOE - All the world's a stooge

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