Digest for Tuesday, April 12, 1994

There are 16 messages totalling 615 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Gender-based (1 Freudian, 1 urological and gross)
  2. Lesbian Dinosaurs & Another Bobbit Joke.
  3. From the Daily Collegian
  4. aids update report [insensitive to the terminally ill]
  5. Bobbit joke - Crude
  6. Fegg: first aid
  7. Jokingly ....
  8. Mild sexual connotation
  9. Rumor: Nirvana is disbanding (NOTE: Sick, suicide humor)
  10. Your Lifetime Goal Achievement Checklist
  11. Un-Authorized reprint of a news article (duh!) - clean
  12. Humor: Exploitation of dead animals
  13. Joke (clean)
  14. Humor: Advice about migranes
  15. Some thoughts on Japan (political? satire)
  16. Top Ten List for 4/11/94 (11/17/93)


Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 01:21:11 -0500
From:         Mark Darrall <00mtdarrall@LEO.BSUVC.BSU.EDU>
Subject:      Gender-based (1 Freudian, 1 urological and gross)

Our Architectural History class is divided into workgroups who cooperate on
writing of essays dealing with some topic. Anyone who has worked on a joint
authorship knows this is tricky and takes some careful coordination. One such
group was working near my desk; one of the members of that group, an
but very polite young lady, was trying to refine the segue on her part of the
paper and asked one of her male colleagues,"Now, Chuck, this is where you come
into me, right?"

She realized her gaff a nanosecond before the rest of us; the color of her
was matched only by her copper hair.

ITEM 2: WARNING! Urological humor. Nausea, dizzyness may accompany the reading
of this joke. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!!

Woman's comment to a man: You'd have PMS too if you bled out your dick every


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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 00:32:22 -0600
From:         Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject:      Lesbian Dinosaurs & Another Bobbit Joke. <bad taste, etc>

I am keeping up the crude, lude, abnoxious, & tasteless jokes for those
who like them. Of course, I have no way of knowing who likes them and
who doesn't. In fact, I think I will take a poll. (This is where stupidity
steps in and takes over.) Send me private E-mail giving me your vote.
Enough of the crude tasteless jokes or keep em coming. (I think I can
handle it. If not, you'll all know. . .Of course, my mail box will only
hold 200 messages at once, so I'll try to keep up.) Make sure to send it
to me, not HUMOR. Bill wouldn't like that too much. Address for those who
don't use the reply command,  cwjdupon@antelope.wcc.edu

Q:  What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur?

A:  Lickalotapuss

Q:  Why won't they let John Bobbit into most swimming pools?

A:  They don't allow cut-offs


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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 09:10:23 -0400
From:         Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject:      From the Daily Collegian

Washington DC -- An Indiana woman has won agreement from the US Tax Court
that her breasts are business assets and can be depreciated for tax

Cynthia S. Hess, known as "Chesty Love" in her professional life as an
exotic dancer, claimed a $2,088 deduction in 1988 for depreciation on the
surgical implants that enlarged her bust size to a 56FF.

The IRS turned down the deduction, citing a long list of court decisions
holding that expenditures to enhance a taxpayer's health or appearance--
while useful for business--are so inherently personal that they can't be
deducted as a business expense.

But Hess found an ally in Special Trail Judge Joan Seitz Pate, who ruled that
the implants increased Hess' income and that the the breasts are so large
and cumbersome--they weigh about 10 pounds each--that she couldn't derive
personal benefit from them.

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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 09:25:00 EDT
From:         Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      aids update report [insensitive to the terminally ill]

FLASH!  New strains to creat further misconceptions & hysteria!


catch it from a cocktail waitress, it's now BARMAIDS.
get it from a virgin, you have FIRST AIDS.
have been infected by a little kid with a drink stand on his front lawn, you
catch it at school, it's now GRAIDS.
contract it from a followr of jim jones, it KOOLAIDS.
get it in florida, it's GATORAIDS.
catch it from cockroaches, it RAIDS.
are lucky enough to have gotten it from bo derek, it's BRAIDS.
get it while marching, you have PARAIDS.
caught it while touching an air freshener, it's GLAIDS.
give it back to someone who infected you, it's now called TRAIDS.
catch it in france, you have PARLEZ-VOUS FRANC,AIDS.
have been with a gang member, you'll get SWITCHBLAIDS.
are infected by bill clinton, you have PRESIDENTIALAIDS.
catch it from anthony perkins dressed like an old lady, it's NORMAN BAIDS.
have touched a pair of infected sunglasses, it's SHAIDS.
get ill at the end of the work week, it's T.G.I.FRIDAIDS.
contract it playing party games, you've got CHARAIDS.
catch it on halloween, it's MASQUERAIDS.
are sleeping with gumby, you get GREEN CLAIDS.
get it from a leather jacket, you've got SUAIDS.
have been swimming in an infected waterfall, you're likely to get CASCAIDS.
have slept with a jamaican, you've caught REGGAIDS.
eat an infected chocolate bar, you could contract MILKY WAIDS.
get it from a musician, it's called BANDAIDS.
get it from the swamps of florida, it's EVERGLAIDS.
catch it from yourself, it is now called MASTURBAIDS.

be seeing you,


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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 14:22:00 -0600
From:         LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <ROACHL@A1.UWSTOUT.EDU>
Subject:      Bobbit joke - Crude

I hope this hasn't been posted before, I just heard it.

What is the difference between Lorena Bobbit and
the weatherman?

When she says there will be six inches on the ground
you can believe her!

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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 10:27:50 EDT
From:         Bryan Pack <UGPACK@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Fegg: first aid <sick humor>

From _Dr. Fegg's Encyclopedia of *All* World Knowledge_
1974, 1975, 1984: Terry Jones & Michael Palin

=== Article: First Aid ===

Dr. Fegg's invaluable work in spreading awareness about several
contagious diseases has made his name a household word in many
countries. In fact in some areas of Chad "fegg" *means* "cholera"! Here,
however, we present a selection of his writings on first aid. Some of
these articles were first published in the magazine _Cookery Today_ (by
mistake). They give practical hints on how to cope with a host of
difficult medical conditions.

There is little you can do until the patient reaches the ground. You
could try shouting up to them "Are you all right?", but the chances are
they'll be shouting "I don't owe you $2.40!" so loudly that they will be
incapable of giving a rational response. In any case they usually *are*
all right *until* they reach the ground.
   The main thing from the First Aid point of view is not to be
underneath them when they reach it. Once the patient has safely landed,
you should:

1. Ascertain whether they are wearing a watch.
2. Check the time. If it is nearly time for lunch, go and eat. Regular
  mealtimes are essential to the healthy functioning of a healthy body.
3. If it is still not quite lunchtime or you know lunch will be late,
  unloosen the watch.
4. Slip the watch into your pocket.
5. Creep away.
6. Say nothing about it to anyone.

If you should happen to glance up and see a body hurtling off a cliff
down towards you,
Do *Not*:

1. Try shouting "Fall over there!"
2. Stay where you are in case the falling person is your local chemist
  who still owes you $2.40 for some photos that got lost when they were
  being developed.
3. Shut your eyes and hope you'll wake up in bed (preferably Anita


1. Run
2. Keep running
3. Report to the local police that you've had your bicycle stolen from
outside Sainsbury's at precisely the time of the fall. This will give
you a perfect alibi when suspicion about the death inevitably falls on
you. And it's no good pointing out to the police that you *couldn't*
have pushed your chemist off the cliff when you were underneath, because
they'll only claim that you pushed him first and then went down to the
beach to check he was dead. You could try remarking on the absurdity of
anyone pushing their chemist off a cliff just because of a quarrel over
$2.40, but they may bring up the Bournemouth Killings, which could be
awkward. Best let sleeping dogs lie.

The only method of dealing with someone who is really truly hit four
square in the neck with the devastating impact of a bolt of lightning is
what is known medically as the "dustpan and brush" method. Simply sweep
the patient into the dustpan, place in a plastic bag and try to forget
about how much they would owe you if you were doing this privately.

Saw off the leg at thigh level and apply band aids to stump. If patient
objects, point out that even a simple graze could lead to much worse
things and that it's best to take precautions and better safe than
   You could even try telling them that you're a qualified surgeon,
although the shaky hand, unshaven jowl, and haunted look around the
bloodshot eyes are usually a bit of a give-away.

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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 10:03:10 -0600
From:         Lawrence Fatteicher <fatteicher@SIAST.SK.CA>
Subject:      Jokingly  ....  <ethnic but cute>


                        Moose Hunting

Mike and Metro are going on a fly in hunting trip.  They are talking to a
pilot who will be flying them in.  The pilot tells them he can do the job but
he can only fly back one moose back.

So they do the fly in thing.  The pilot drops them off and says he'll be back
in a week.  And that they can only bring back one moose.  A week goes by and
the pilot flies back to pick up Mike and Metro.  He is flying over the pickup
spot and his looking down for at guys.  They are waving at him but he notices
that besides the gear and two guys are two moose instead of one.

The pilot is furious.  He lands the plane and is giving the two hunters a
blast.  The pilot says, "I told you I could only bring back one moose, why
did you shot a second??".  Metro then looks at the pilot and says "Well, I
don't know what kind of pilot you are.  Last year we shoot two moose.  That
pilot took all our stuff and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours.

The pilot thinks for and minute and not to be out done decides to take the two
moose as well.  Soooo, they load up the equipment, two moose, two hunters and
are set to take off.  The pilot guns the engine of the plane and starts take
off.  The plane is shaking and quaking as the pilot tries desperately to get
the plane off the ground.  Slowly but surely the plane starts to lift off the
ground.  The trees at the end of the clearing and getting larger and larger.
The pilot frantically pushes the plane engine to the max.  The tops of the the
trees are very close now.  When is appears that they might get above the
trees they happen to hit the top of a taller tree and come crashing down into
the foliage.

Metro is the first to come too after the crash.  He calls "Mike?? MIKE!! are
you okay??"  Mike slowly sits up, shakes his head and says " Yah, I think so."
Metro then looks around and says "You know I think we got a hundred yards
further than last year."


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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 11:22:23 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Mild sexual connotation

While looking in the plumbing section of a hardware store, a
manufacturer's name caused me to remember this old joke.  A
man telephoned a company and asked, "Do you have a Sexauer
There"?  The woman who had answered the phone replied,
"Sex hour?  Huh! We don't even get coffee breaks!"

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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 09:33:13 PST
From: Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437<IRVINMJ@WSUVM1.CSC.WSU.EDU>
Subject:      Rumor: Nirvana is disbanding (NOTE: Sick, suicide humor)

 How does Kurt Cobain gather his thoughts?

      With a squeegee

 What was the last thing to go through his mind?

      His teeth

 What color are his eyes?

      Blue.  One blue right, the other left.........

Regards,                                       The "OTHER" Washington
Michael J. Irvin                           \   /\/\             /\  /\|
Computer Services Consultant    P   ______  |  /\/\               /\  |
Information Technology          aO \      / \   /\          Spokane + |
Washington State University     cc \  /\ \   |+Seattle                |
Pullman, WA 99164-1222          ie  |  /\ \ /    /\                   |
U.S.A.                          fa   \     |     /\                   |
                                in   |          /\      Pullman/WSU->*|
Telephone: 509/335-0437         c     \        /\          ____________\
BITNet:   IRVINMJ@WSUVM1               ----\   /\    _____/
Internet: irvinmj@wsuvm1.csc.wsu.edu        \-------/

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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 10:41:19 PDT
From:         Cindy Parker <cparker@SMTP.QUESTS.COM>
Subject:      Your Lifetime Goal Achievement Checklist <derisive>

Text item: Text_1

     Time again for another installment of "Life in Hell", stolen from:
                      MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL"
     We've all heard the hoary old proverb, "Today is the first day of the
     rest of your short, brutish existence as a sentient creature before
     being snuffed out into utter nothingness for all eternity."  And yet
     how many of us have faced up to all the implications of this cheerful
     reminder of our futile moral struggles?  It's not that we don't care
     that our time is running out -- it's just that we're too busy having
     fun in our humdrum daily huff-and-puff gyrations to organize any
     long-term plans.  But what if, after a routine physical checkup, your
     doctor cleared his throat, coughed a couple times, gazed at you
     mournfully, then suddenly blurted: "I'm afraid I've got some bad news,
     [your name here].  The test results are in, and, well, er -- you've
     got less than eighty years to live.  I'm sorry."  Whoa!!  Then what?
     Where's that smug and complacent smile now, huh?  Eh?  Hah?  So that's
     how come this checklist, printed on special paper, will endure as long
     as you will.  Clip this out and stow in your secret moneybelt,
     checking the appropriate box as you complete each task.  Don't attempt
     everything -- relax, have fun. take it easy, and memento mori.
     |_| Toilet traning      ----->        |_| Learn monosyllabic profanity
     |_| Learn polysyllabic profanity  --> |_| Win a spelling bee
     |_| Second prize/spelling bee   --->  |_| Figure out spelling bees are
     |_| Realize adults are liars              for jerks
     |_| Compose a great symphony          |_| Paint a revolutionary
     |_| Write the great American novel        masterpiece
     |_| Create an endearing cartoon character beloved by millions
     |_| Write several unsold screenplays then move back to Idaho
     |_| Raise an ungrateful child         |_| Raise several ungrateful
     |_| Go over Niagra Falls in a barrel  |_| Swim the English Channel
     |_| Climb Mt. Everest                 |_| Win an Olympic gold medal
     |_| Climb part-way up Mt. Everest     |_| Swim a few laps at the Y
     |_| Climb the stairs every day to         every so often
         your job                          |_| Watch 153,000 hours of TV
     |_| One orifice                       |_| Lifetime true love and
     |_| Two orifices                          faithfulness
     |_| Three or more orifices            |_| Series of stormy
                                               relationships ending in
                                               bitterness and recrimination
     |_| Sit around most of the time       |_| Quit your job, pack your
         whining                               bags, and spend the rest of
                                               your life on some south seas
                                               island eating bananas and
                                               reading Dostoyevski
         YOUR DEATH:
     |_| With your boots on                |_| With one boot on and one
     |_| With your boots off                   boot off
     Cindy Parker   Newport Beach, CA

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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 13:21:37 EST
From:         Kevin Cain <KEVIN@VM.CC.FAMU.EDU>
Subject:      Un-Authorized reprint of a news article (duh!) - clean

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND (From AP or UPI wires ?, but it doesn't say)

    A couple in a Cessna 150 who decided to join the Mile High Club
forced air traffic controllers and aircraft near Edinburgh Airport
to communicate on an emergency radio channel. Somehow the plane's
microphone jammed open, broadcasting the couple's initiation into
the club. This kept the regular ground-to-air frequency busy for
some 50 minutes. Upon landing, the pilot was reprimanded for
blocking communications, but the traffic control manager conceded,
"Apart from one aspect of his airmanship - the failure to check in
on a regular basis - the was no breach of aviation rules.

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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 16:57:22 EDT
From:         Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      Humor: Exploitation of dead animals <journalism bashing>

Newsgroups: austin (texas).general
From: garret@austin.ibm.com (Grajek)
Subject: Our Lesser Hidden Shame

This is sweeps week.  So channel 7 skipped that heady
political stuff and went straight for the tears.

Last night's special report:

                  Austin Pet Shelters
                   Our Hidden Shame.

This, people, was classic stuff.  We had Stephanie Williams
with her best choked up voice, cuddling a dachshund puppy
before it was put to sleep.

Of course Neil Spelce advice us, "What you are about to
watch may not be suitable for younger viewers.  But we feel
a need to air this footage, hoping that by exposing the truth,
the people of Austin will act upon this grave situation."

He started by asking the ever controversial question, "what
if the entire population of Texas was killed every year?"

He explained himself.  "Of course I speak not of humans,
but of animals.  Every year the number of animals put to sleep
equals the approximate population of Texas."

He paused, with a guilty, yet indicting look.  His face let
everyone in TV-land know that like Lady MacBeth wishing to wash
the blood of Duncan off her hands, neither would we be cleansed
of our "Damn Spot"

For on-the-scene reporting, the TV cut to Stephanie Williams at
the pound.  She held a secession of cute puppies and possible pets
whose numbers had come up.  One by one all the animals were shown
being injected with the needle of death.

All these dogs were filmed afterwards, stiff as Al Gore, being
shoveled into plastic bags.

A man who worked at the pound was interviewed.  He wore a blue lab
coat and sorry eyes, "Stephanie, people bring in boxes of puppies to
us and think some nice family will take each one of them home.  What
they don't realize is that ten others will be bringing us boxes of
puppies that day."

She then listed some common sense suggestions to remedying the

        * Spay/Neuter Your pet
        * Identify your pet with a tag.
        * Keep your pet leashed.

Changing the channel was not on the list.

Source:  alt.humor.best-of-usenet

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.

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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 18:08:39 EDT
From:         Janice Calder <CALDER@ADMIN.HUMBERC.ON.CA>
Subject:      Joke (clean)

My sister was traveling across Canada and came to a town in Saskatchewan
called Love.  As you were entering the town there was a big sign that stated


Two college students were trying to make some money for school during the
summer break. They decided to paint houses for the summer. To increase their
profit margin, they watered down the paint so it would go further (even
though the paint job didn't last as long). The last house they were painting
for the season was of an elderly widow woman. The one student remarked that
they had enough money to pay their tuition and should give this old women a
full strength paint job. The other student disagreed and just wanted to get
the job done which they did. As they were cleaning up clouds parted, the sky
opened and an angel appeared to the students. The angel looked upon them and
in a loud booming voice said 'REPAINT YOU THINNERS'.

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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 21:07:52 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor: Advice about migranes <adult theme>

A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migrane headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migranes and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doc.  "I have migranes, too...and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,
but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.  When I have
a migrane, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while.
Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand...especially around the forehead.  This helps a little.  Then I
get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex...and almost always, the
headache is immediately gone.  Give it a try, and come back and see me
in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc!  I took your advice and it works!  It REALLY WORKS!  I've had
migranes for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever
helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 20:33:08 -0400
From: Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA <fowler@PALRES.DNET.SANDOZ.COM>
Subject:      Some thoughts on Japan (political? satire)

As I survey the sorry scene in Japan - layoffs, recession, governmental
deadlock, trade conflicts, weak coalition, and now (worst of all) a Prime
Minister who resigned and admitted afterwards that he saw fit to only
discuss resignation beforehand with his wife (gasp) - it seems to me that
something has gone wrong. Is it just me, but does all this not seem
to start back with the glorious President ralphing on a prior leader of
this once happy nation?

In the spirit of international brotherhood, I propose to remedy this
sad situation by immediately sending to Japan certain prominent U.S.
officials for a severe dose of compensatory and restitutional regurgitation.
Commonsense dictates that this will speedily restore the fortunes
of our Pacific ally.

Fairness requires that only republicans should be chosen for this honour,
since it was a member of their party who was guilty of the initial
huwey. Bob Dole springs to mind. This would have the happy advantage
of greatly facilitating the Japanese ceremonial ralph, because our man
Bob makes nearly everyone sick anyway. Rush Limbaugh could be sent over
for absolute certainty in this regard.

Finally, Her Majesty's government in Britain will doubtless want to
scurry favour by toadying along with this latest American intestinal
initiative, as they do with all similar unappealing schemes. As a
Briton, it would make me proud and glad to see John Major step bravely
forward and take it on the chin. This might even have the side benefit
of finally conferring some colour on The World's Dullest Man (depending
upon what was on the menu before the ceremony).

Any other suitable world leaders spring to mind?
Jeff    fowler@sandoz.com

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Date:         Tue, 12 Apr 1994 18:31:00 EST
From:         Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS) <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 4/11/94 (11/17/93)

---> November 17, 1993 <---

Top Ten Lorena Bobbitt Excuses

10. Hoped it would somehow help NAFTA get passed
 9. Too much caffeine
 8. What can I say?  I love a good joke
 7. That's what he gets for hoggin' the remote control
 6. Took Bob Barker's constant "spaying and neutering" reminders to their
    logical conclusion
 5. I was trying to cut the price tag off his new pajamas and he sneezed
 4. Good practice for carving Thanksgiving turkey
 3. Fell asleep whittling in bed
 2. Was tired of playing "got your nose"
 1. Ginsumania!

Brian Peek
Owner of Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

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