Digest for Saturday, April 09, 1994

There are 10 messages totalling 340 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. News from the BBC and a blonde joke
  2. Top Ten List for 4/8/94
  3. Hoosier Hoops II
  4. Yugos
  5. Fegg!: Intro
  6. Humour: Saskatchewan
  7. Bad Jokes>offensive to Hillbillies>
  8. HUMOR--political
  9. Church Signs, mild.
  10. humor


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Date:         Sat, 9 Apr 1994 10:33:00 GMT+0800
From:         Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T) <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject:      <humor> News from the BBC and a blonde joke

After an Easter break I am in my office catching up on the mail - both snail
and e - and listening to the BBC World Service in a futile attempt to drown
out
the sound of pile driving nearby (thriving Hong Kong). Anyway I thought that
I'd pass on two reports that the BBC provided in their week's summary of the
press.

In a pub (bar) in England the owner has fitted a see-though cistern on one of
the toilets so that customers can watch the goldfish that he has put inside
the
cistern! An attempt to get the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals to
take action has failed. THe owner commented that he didn't think that it did
any harm to the fish as their water was being changed very regularly.

In a Japanese research laboratory where hamsters are used for experiments the
staff all gather together once a week whilst holy men sing mantras for the
souls of those hamsters who have died that week.


OFFENSIVE TO BLONDES

A group of blondes decided to go to London to do some shopping and so they
climbed into a car and set off down the road in the direction of London.
However, after a while they came to a road sign saying

                           LONDON LEFT

and so they stopped, shrugged their shoulders, turned round and went home.

(Think about it.)

Mike R
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Date:         Sat, 9 Apr 1994 00:18:00 EST
From:         Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS) <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 4/8/94

---> April 8, 1994 <---

==========================================================
Top Ten Good Things About Having Madonna On Your Talk Show
==========================================================

**Madonna was a guest on the Late Show on March 30, and she "swore like a
  sailor" all through the interview.**

10. The host can sit back, relax and let the censors do all the work
 9. It's just a pleasure to match wits with a genuine conversationalist of the
    old school
 8. In just 15 minutes, makes it feel like you've done a whole week of shows
 7. She'll frighten any remaining rats out of your theater
 6. 13 in a row, commercial-free obscenities!
    (Madonna said the f-word 13 times during the interview)
 5. For the first time, you truly understand why Sean Penn went nuts
 4. Two words:  Free Underpants!
    (As Madonna walked on stage, she gave Dave a pair of her underpants)
 3. Even the ghost of Ed Sullivan gets some action
 2. You get to spend more time with her than if you were just having sex
 1. It makes your mom proud


Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv
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Date:         Sat, 9 Apr 1994 01:03:33 -0500
From:         Sean Watson <sw7@MAIL.EVANSVILLE.EDU>
Subject:      Hoosier Hoops II

        Bob Knight was recently given a roll of cloth from a lady who
attending one of his many speaking functions.  It was a gift, she
explained, for him to fashion a suit out of.
        Knight took the cloth to a Bloomington store and asked them to
fashion him a suit out of it.  To his dismay, they told him that he could
either have pants or a coat but there wasn't enough for an entire suit.
        This was ridiculous, Knight thought, so he took the cloth to a
tailor in West Lafayette.  Again, he was told that there was not near
enough cloth to fashion an entire suit out of.
        Knight refused to believe what he was being told and decided to
try one more store.  This time, he went down to Lexington, Kentucky and
asked what they could make for him out of this cloth.  To his surprise,
they told him he could have a couple pairs of pants, a suit, and a vest.
Knight was confused and related his previous experiences with getting a
suit fashioned.  How was it that they couldn't even make a suit up in
Indiana, but now he could get so much more?  "Oh," the tailor
explained, "You're not near as big down here."
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Date:         Sat, 9 Apr 1994 00:21:41 -0600
From:         Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject:      Yugo's <clean, appreciative of the squirrel>

The recent posting about the the Yugo being the world's first disposable
car reminded me a story that I heard once. It went like this . . .

        I was driving my brand new Yugo down a country road one
        afternoon and was thoroughly enjoying the surroundings.
        I was driving around a corner and suddenly, this huge
        animal, gray, with a bushy tail, jumps right out in front
        me. I stopmed on the brakes, but I still hit the thing!
        It went flying out in front of the car and landed about
        50 feet away. I quickly brought the car to a halt and got
        to look at the damage. I was horrified to find that the
        bumber and grill were completely smashed and antifreeze was
        all over the ground and steam was a risin'. Then, my
        attention was drawn to the huge gray thing that jumped out
        in front of me. To my surprise, the huge gray thing wasn't
        so huge after all; it was damned squirrel! In fact, I
        watched as it got up, shook its head back and forth a
        little bit, and ran away. I could have sworn that I heard
        it say, "Wow, that was fun!"

So what's the moral of this story? I don't have a clue. I suppose it could
be that after one hits a squirrel in a Yugo, 'you-go' no where. . .

Sorry so lame, couldn't think of anything else, execpt for this riddle.

        There is a house directly on the equator. The peak of the roof is
        exactly perpendicular to the equator. (Let's assume that there is
        a plane that a perpendicular line can be drawn from.) If a
        rooster lays an egg right on top of the peak of the roof,
        which way will the egg fall?

You sillies, roosters don't lay eggs . . .

Jess
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Date:         Sat, 9 Apr 1994 09:58:29 EDT
From:         Bryan Pack <UGPACK@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Fegg!: Intro <very sick humor>

From _Dr. Fegg's Encyclopedia of *All* World Knowledge_
1974: Terry Jones & Michael Palin
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

=== Introduction to Book ===

 Dr. Fegg's Encyclopaedia of *All* World Knowledge
           [formerly THE NASTY BOOK]

      Dr. BERTRAM X. FEGG G.B.H. (Parkhurst)
         --A living educational legend--
  'Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get
             a good price for them.'


OTHER BOOKS BY DR. FEGG

The Bournemouth Killings - An Explanation
The Bournemouth Toe-Nailings - What Really Happened
Where I was on the Night of the Twenty-sixth
Why I have Never Even Been to Bournemouth
The Bournemouth Killings - Another Version
Innocent Until Proved Guilty
Great Alibis of the Twentieth Century

*For Children*

The Bournemouth Killings - A Frame-Up
I-Spy The Police


PUBLISHER'S FOREWORD

We should like to take this opportunity of assuring you that there is
absolutely no truth in the rumour that Dr Fegg has at any time been in
jail. Dr Fegg's police record is spotless. He has, of course, had the usual
parking offences, but these are *not criminal offences*; they are only *civil
misdemeanours*. Dr Fegg has never done 'bird', nor was he in any way
connected with the petty thefts and larcenies in Brighton three months
ago, although the circumstances were admittedly rather against him;
but HE WAS NOT CONVICTED! We want to emphasise that-- and
don't forget: a man is entirely innocent until he is CONVICTED. And
he's never even been *charged* with the Bournemouth killings, and
anyway, they *were* a long time ago.
  We are proud to publish this book. There is no question of us doing it
because we are 'running scared' or 'don't want to lose any authors in
nasty accidents' or are afraid of getting our noses 'spread all over our
faces'. Oh no, we at Methuen are committed to the book, to its author,
and to his continuing struggle to prove his innocence.
                                                 *Methuen London*

WARNING
This book features many of the less savoury aspects of human behaviour.
But you have been warned. We believe that it is far better we should
face reality, however horrible, than stick our heads, sand-like, into
an ostrich. Thank you.

APOLOGY
We apologise for making such a mess of the metaphor above. It should,
of course, read 'than head-first stick sand in an ostrich'. Thank you.
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Date:         Sat, 9 Apr 1994 09:59:09 -0800
From:         Karen Friesen <kfriesen@AMTSGI.BC.CA>
Subject:      Humour: Saskatchewan

In essence, a true story:

A Canadian was observing teaching methods in schools in several
African countries.  In one, she found the children doing a science
lesson, timing the swing of a pendulum.  The lesson had evidently
been prepared in the US as the children were counting "Mississippi
one, Mississippi two, Mississippi three . . ."  After the lesson
the Canadian gave a talk and mentioned that if children in her
country were doing this experiment, they would probably use a
Canadian word like "Saskatchewan" to do the timing.  The next day,
the Canadian happened to drop in on the class and found them still
timing the pendulum's swing, but today they were counting
"Saskatche one, Saskatche two . . ."
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Date:         Sat, 9 Apr 1994 16:10:58 -0500
From:         Petra R Tussey <pt3@MAIL.EVANSVILLE.EDU>
Subject:      Bad Jokes>offensive to Hillbillies>

*Q* How do you castrate a hillbilly?

*A* Kick his sister in the jaw.

I have been around for almost 20 years now and we all know how many
brands of cars there are well...here are some things you might not have
known.

What Cars Names Really Mean....
Subaru backwards is U R A Bus
Ford Means Fix or Repair Daily
           Flipped On Race Day
           Found on Road Dead
And the last which may be offensive to blacks or elderly...
Pontiac stands for Poor Old Niger Thinks it's a Cadillac

Sorry..had to do it!
                PET
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Date:         Sat, 9 Apr 1994 18:03:12 -0400
From:         Don McDaniel <mcdaniel@ANDREWS.EDU>
Subject:      HUMOR--political

Q: Did you know that in Arkansas they are missing two holidays?

A: They have no Halloween or Thankgiving.  The wicked witch moved to
Washington DC and she took the 'turkey' with her.
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Date:         Sat, 9 Apr 1994 18:12:33 -0500
From:         Me. <rogers@UX4.CSO.UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Church Signs, mild.

These are actual announcements taken from church bulletins around the
country:

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the
  church.  Children will be baptized at both ends.

* Tues y at 4PM, there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies giving
  milk, please come early.

* Wednesday, the ladies Auxiliary Society will meet.  Mrs. Johnson will
  sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed", accompanied by the pastor.

* Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club.  All
  those wishing to become little mothers please meet the minister
  in his study.

* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay
  an egg on the altar.

* On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the
  new carpet.  All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come
  forward and get a piece of paper.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may
  be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

* A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement.  Music
  will follow.

* Sign outside a Canadian church:  "Sermon for Sunday: What is Hell like?"
  Just below was the message: "Come in and hear our choir sing."
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Date:         Sat, 9 Apr 1994 18:53:50 -0500
From:         Ryan Hinch <rhinch@SUN.CIS.SMU.EDU>
Subject:      humor <sexual connotation>

Juan and Raul were out working in the fields one day and Juan pulls out
his new rifle.  "Hey Raul. Take a look at the new rifle I bought." He
shows Raul a large rifle with a huge scope on it. "Raul, this gun is the
shit. When I look at that tree through the scope, I can see a little squirrel
eating a nut. When I look at that other tree, I can see the mother robin
feeding worms to her babies."  Raul is defiitely impressed with Juan's
gun. He then asks Juan to look towards his house and tell him what he
sees.
"Oh, no. Bad news" says Juan as he looks at Raul's house.
"What's the matter Juan. Tell me what you see!"
"Well Raul, you're wife is in there with another man and they both are
standing there naked!"
Raul starts shaking with anger. "Juan, you're my best friend. I want you
to do me a favor."
"What's that Raul?"
"I want you to take one bullet and blow my wife's head off. Then take
another bullet and blow that guy's penis clear off. I would do it myself
but you're a better shot and you have to do it for me!!" Raul pleads for a
while until Juan finally agrees.
"Okay Raul go over there and get me two bullets"  Raul goes and grabs to
bullets out of the truck and brings them back to Juan.
"Here you go Juan. DON"T miss!"
Juan picks up the gun and takes aim. He looks for a minute, lowers the gun
and says "I'm only going to need one of those bullets after all!"
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