Digest for Wednesday, April 06, 1994

There are 14 messages totalling 733 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Dr. Fegg (again!)
  2. Headline; Ancestry; Lawyers
  3. Humor: Politics (some "dirty" language, risque situations, and slightly offensive to politicians, but basically a good time)
  4. LIMERICK (Risque)
  6. Possibly offensive to referees :-)
  7. Humor List Reader test (clean)
  8. Some Questions(clean)
  9. Bobbit Joke
  10. {risque}, may be offensive to the elderly....
  11. Life 4.1 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Dec 88
  12. Humor: State of the Loo Report
  13. A Whole Bunch of Top Tens
  14. Fegg:lullabies/games


Date:         Wed, 6 Apr 1994 00:03:31 EDT
From:         Bryan Pack <UGPACK@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Dr. Fegg (again!) <sick>

From _Dr. Fegg's Encyclopedia of *All* World Knowledge_
1974: Terry Jones & Michael Palin
=== Article: Heroism ===

In 1971, a plucky Dane, Knud Svenson, became the first man to attempt to
cross the Andes by frog. Svenson had already attempted (and failed) to
sail round the world on a rabbit, and his attempt to cross Spitzbergen
on an halibut proved spectacularly unsuccessful in 1958. What follows is
Svenson's personal account of one of the most arduous journeys aver
*** Across the Andes by Frog ***

Iquique, Jan. 19
  Expedition delayed by three days after the frog was squashed when I
sat on it. We wait around in the sultry heat of this coastal town whilst
another frog is found.

Iquique, Jan. 21
  A perfect day to set off. The sunshine was bright, but a strongish
north-easterly wind kept us cool. The baggage porters had at last
settled their differences over pay, and the forecast was good. However,
as soon as I mounted the frog, I squashed it again. Oh, the
frustrations! We must reach the Andean foothills by mid-February, or the
vicious South American winter will set in.

Iquique, Jan. 26
  I have tried mounting frogs without a saddle and even tried with my
haversack, but they always squash as soon as I sit down on them.
  Have decided to try a different approach. I will walk and the frog can
carry the baggage. It will be hard work, especially in the mountains,
but I would rather suffer some discomfort than give up now.

Iquique, Jan. 27
  The frog has proved incapable of carrying even the lightest hold-all.
Seven or eight were squashed in succession last night while we were
trying to load up.

Iquique, Jan. 28
  Today, at last, we set out from the main square here in Iquique, on
the 500-mile journey to Santa Cruz in Bolivia. The frog, unladen by any
baggage, set a furious pace, and we lost it through a hole in the wall
not ten yards from where we started.

Iquique, Feb. 6
  The days pass by in a long frustrating week, whilst we design a
special frog harness. The Andean winter gets closer as every day goes
by. Conditions in the mountains could be hell.

Iquique, Feb. 7
  The frogs are so slippery that any harness is almost impossible to
fit. They are sending to Belgium for a specialist.

Iquique, March 30
  At last, the Belgian specialist has arrived. He says that frogs are
totally unsuitable for this type of journey. The man is a complete
fraud. We refuse to pay his return fare.

Iquique, March 31
  Wake up with a huge Malaysian Leper Frog at my throat. The Belgian
specialist eventually calls it off, after we promise to pay his fare

Iquique, March 32
  Decide to set off with frog in a box. The weather holds out, and we
make good progress. We reach the outskirts of Pozo almonte before I
discover someone has let the frog out of the box.

Pozo Almonte, March 33
  I am beginning to have suspicions about my Chilean calendar.

Pozo Almonte, March 34
  Success. I discover a frog in my lunch, so I put him in the box and
set out again.

Iquique, March 35
  I misread the map. Simple mistake. Bump into the Belgian specialist in
the street. He hits me with a South American Singing Toad, which he was
taking to the vet. I report him to the RSPCA.

Iquique, March 35
  RSPCA man arrives from London. He says he has called about a matter of
sixteen frogs squashed while under my care.

Iquique, March 37
  How the frogs have let me down, making a mockery of the oft-repeated
maxim: "a man's best friend is his frog". Decide to take up a new
challenge with a more reliable creature. Decide to attempt the first
crossing of the Skaggerak by maggot.

London, March 43
  So my Chilean calendar was right. It really is March 43rd.

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Date:         Wed, 6 Apr 1994 00:30:00 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Headline; Ancestry; Lawyers

A Reuter newswire headline from 24 Mar 94:
        Siberian Cranes Fail to Pick up Chicks
>I'm also mostly Scottish-Irish-Welsh-English (not sure of order of prece-
>dence), but some day my rebellion against PC-labeling will inspire me to
>check "Native American" on a job application.  I was born and raised here,

This reminds me of the political cartoon I saw a couple of years ago.
At the time, some senator was being extremely anti-immigrant and was
trying to push through some anti-immigrant legislation.

        Aide: Senator, there is a gentleman to see you. He says he very
                much agrees with your anti-immigrant ideas. He says we
                should send all the stinking foreigners back where they
                came from.
        Senator: Great! Send him in! What's his name?
        Aide:   Big Chief Angry Bull.


Here's another:
        Snotty new-Englander: I'll have you know *my* ancestors came
                over on the Mayflower!
        Indochinese refugee: Oh! So they were boat people, too, huh?

The trouble with lawyer jokes is that
lawyers don't think of them as funny, and
the rest of us don't think of them as jokes.

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Date:         Wed, 6 Apr 1994 04:55:48 -0400
From:         TK Baltimore <tkbalt@MINERVA.CIS.YALE.EDU>
Subject:      Humor: Politics (some "dirty" language, risque situations, and slightly offensive to politicians, but basically a good time)

    A little boy came home from school one day and said to his father,
"Dad, what can you tell me about politics?  I have to learn about it for
school tomorrow."  The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way
I can describe politics is to use an analogy.  Let's say that I'm
capitalism because I'm the breadwinner.  Your mother will be government
she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she
works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your
baby brother will be the future.  Does that help any?"  The little boy
said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

   Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy
was woken up by his brother's crying.  Upon further investigation, he found a
dirty diaper.  So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found
his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.
Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached
the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the
maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to
   The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table,
"Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."  "Excellent, my boy,"
he answered, "What have you learned?"  The little boy thought for a
minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class,
government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of

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Date:         Wed, 6 Apr 1994 08:58:13 -0400
From:         George Olson <GEO1@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject:      LIMERICK (Risque)

A pretty young coed named schlicter
Had a boyfriend named Victor who licked her
With an ardor unslaked
Till she quivered and quaked
On a scale that surpassed that of Richter

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Date:         Wed, 6 Apr 1994 08:52:12 -0500
From:         Daniel J Turner <a10djt1@CORN.CSO.NIU.EDU>


1)  If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it
    against me?
2)  What do you like for breakfast, so I know what to make
    in the morning?
3)  Hey baby, you and me.
4)  I want to lick your toes
5)  Hey, Laura, what's your aura?
6)  Can I kiss your knees?
7)  Wanna be my 683rd sexual experience?
8)  Your parents are thieves, they have stolen the stars from
    the ski and placed them in your eyes.
9)  Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?
10) You've lost that loving feeling... (serenade).
11) Why don't you come back to my place and take those wet
    things off?
12) Let's go to the lagoon, get naked, and lte the ducks walk
    on our backs.
13) Let's go but a bottle of really cheap wine, go back to my
    place, and have really crazy sex.
14) You know what would look really good on you?...Me.
15) I like your shirt, but it would look better on my bedroom
16) I just got a new mattress, wanna go check it out?
17) Is that a toupee you're wearing?
18) Can I braid the hair on your legs?
19) Wow!
20) Can I shave your legs?
21) I've got a ten-inch tongue and I can breathe through my
    ears, wanna date?
22) Wanna go try out my Motel Six credit card?
23) Do you sleep on your stomach?  Can I?
24) How would you like to go back to my place for some hard
    liquor, how sweaty sex, and pizza?  What, you don't like
25) What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
26) What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?
27) Your eyes sparkle like the Nile, wanna fuck?
28) Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to
    see me?
29) I'll give you a Canadian nickel for sex.
30) Wanna see my tattoo?
31) I'm so drunk.
32) I bathe regularly.
33) I'm a homosexual, convert me.


Vox Idiota, the best little first rate newsletter in America
(excluding Texas) is produced by A & F Enterprises.

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Date:         Wed, 6 Apr 1994 10:35:42 -0400
From:         The Meltz Inc. <mmeltzer@WAM.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Possibly offensive to referees :-)

I don't know anyone who doesn't like a good chicken-crossing-the-road
joke.  I'm posting this one in light of the NCAA Men's basketball
championship game played the other night.  In case you are curious, I am
a Maryland fan, not a Duke/Arkansas fan...

Q:  Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A:  He heard the Ref was blowing fouls!

{In case you don't get it, read "fouls" as "fowls"}

                        mmeltzer@wam.umd.edu is

                             Marc Meltzer
                      President of The Meltz Inc
         "Our job is to play games.  Our hobby is to consult."

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Date:         Wed, 6 Apr 1994 10:31:13 EST
From:         Kevin Cain <KEVIN@VM.CC.FAMU.EDU>
Subject:      Humor List Reader test (clean)



1. Please read the question before answering it.
2. Do not answer more than one question at a time.
3. Do not get nervous. Only your ENTIRE FUTURE is riding on this test.
4. We don't buy the invisible ink trick, unless, of course, you are
   packing a 9mm.
5. Do not launch any mucus missiles during the test at other students.
   However, if you do, and you hit them square in the forehead, it
   doesn't count against you.
6. You have 17 seconds to complete this test, so please take your time.



1. Write down all the numbers between 1 and 32 zillion.
2. If Johnny had 4 apples and Jill 2 grapefruits, how many apples would
   Johnny have left if he got Jill pregnant?
3. What number am I thinking of? (Hint: it starts with either a vowel
   or consonant)


4. When the USA attacked Iraq in the Persian Gulf War, how many surrender
   flag factories, working around the clock, did it take to fill all the
   orders placed by the Iraqi Army?
5. Name 10 reasons why we shouldn't blow Mexico off the face of the earth


6. If E=MC2, what is x-14 divided by 1/3-M168 x6.3 to the 4th power.
7. Is it true that all pigeons are born full size, and if not, why is it
   that no one has ever seen a baby pigeon?


8. Draw a picture of GOD.
9. Redraw it, that one was wrong.


10. You have been put in charge of the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta. You
    have been directed to come up with a few new events so that poor,
    undeveloped nations can participate too. Which of the following
    events would you recommend?
    A. Synchronized vomiting.
    B. The foreign aid beg-off.
    C. Competitive drowning.
    D. Shooing flies away in front of network television cameras.
    E. Some of the below.

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Date:         Wed, 6 Apr 1994 12:49:58 -0400
From:         Srikumar Lakshmipathi <kumar@CHMSR.ISYE.GATECH.EDU>
Subject:      Some Questions(clean)

Chew on these before you sleep tonight:

>       Why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you cannot drink
>       and drive.
>       Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
>       Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
>       Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
>       How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the
>       If 7-11 is open 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on
>       the doors?
>       If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
>       If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
>       frying pan?
>       If you tied a buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from
>       great height, what will happen?
>       If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
>       turn the headlights on?
>       You know how most well labelled packages say "Open Here". What is the
>       protocol if the package says, "Open Somewhere Else"?
>       When a crash-test-dummy hits his head, and no engineers record the
>       results, does he make a sound?
>       Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
>       Why are there floatation devices under plane seats, instead of
>       Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
>       Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?
>       Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
>       Why does sour cream have a use-by date?
>       Why is it called a TOOTHbrush when you brush all of your teeth?
>       Why does the door bell ring just after you've stepped out of the
>       Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
>       Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
>       shipment, but when you transport new cars by ship, it's called a
>       Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
>       You know that little indrestructable black box that is used on planes,
>       why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
>       Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
>       down the volume on the radio?

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Date:         Wed, 6 Apr 1994 09:49:58 -0600
From:         Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject:      Bobbit Joke <nasty, but short and sweet>

Did you hear that Loraina was getting back with her husband?

Yeah, she heard he's not half the dick he used to be!

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Date:         Wed, 6 Apr 1994 11:51:00 -0500
From:         Sarbjit Sahansra <Sarbjit.Sahansra@MCCON.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject:      {risque}, may be offensive to the elderly....

     An elderly couple upon getting married decide to go on a
     beautiful honeymoon they have both always dreamed of.  They finally
     reach the hotel and decide to "rest"  before going further.  Once
     inside their room the husband asks his darling wife to change and get
     comfortable so that they can relax and have fun.  First she goes into
     the bathroom and comes out in a really sexy nightgown.  Seeing her he
     gets all excited and decides to go in and change also.  Upon returning
     he realizes that his wife is standing on her head with both her legs
     spread wide open in the air.  Troubled, he asks here why she is
     standing like this.  She simply replies "Well at this age I did'nt
     think you could get it up so at least this way you could drop it in!!"


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Date:         Wed, 6 Apr 1994 14:39:50 PDT
From:         hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  4.1    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Dec 88


     It occurred at a party.  A male guest tried to introduce himself to a
guest with whom he was not acquainted.
     "Hello, I'm ---"
     "A MOTEL????" she interrupted, very conspicuously, near the top of her
     "I never said anything about any ---"
     Of course, he decided she was out of her mind and moved away, avoiding
the rest of the evening.
     But about a half hour later she tapped him on the shoulder from behind.
He turned around to see who it was, recognized her, and backed away.
     "Wait, please," she said.  "I'm sorry about what I did earlier, but you
see, I'm a psychology student, and I'm doing research on how people react to
unexpected stresses and other difficult situations.  Please let me apologize."


Some answering machine messages:

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.  Thanks.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink.  I can't come to the phone right now, so
after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
words:  orange...mother...unicorn.  I'll get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.

[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
Leave a message...leave a message....etc.

You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel very
sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

The President is not in his office at this time.  Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret

[Must have good Australian accent]
G'day mate.  Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with
this crocodile.  Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.


Try the following next time the phone rings:
     You (when you answer):  Hello, is Jimmy there?
     Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number.
     You: Oh.  Sorry.
     Caller: No problem... (click)

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Date:         Wed, 6 Apr 1994 18:20:14 EST
From:         Clarity Hands <CLEAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor: State of the Loo Report

   The annual Toilet Paper Report has rolled around again. The
report, from Quilted Northern tissue, says three out of five
respondents prefer toilet paper be dispensed from over the top of
the roll. Also: The average American makes six trips to the
bathroom a day. The average man's visit lasts about seven minutes,
vs. about eight minutes for women.

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Date:         Wed, 6 Apr 1994 19:09:00 EST
From:         Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS) <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject:      A Whole Bunch of Top Tens

OK.  The listproc was broken, but it's back up now.  If you get multiple
top tens in the future, PLEASE do not write me.  I am also signed up as
a subscriber, and I know when something is awry.  I signed on Friday morning
to 180 messages, and before the day was over, I had 350 messages!  I will
make mention of a problem in the following top ten list, if there is one.
However, if I do not make mention of it, by all means please DO write me.  It
could be at your site only.  Now for more exciting news!

Aaron Barnhart has started a new listserv called Late Show News.  It's a
newsletter that appears each Tuesday and deals with all late night talk shows,
including the Late Show.  To subscribe to this list, send mail to:


with the command:

subscribe late-show-news

If you have any questions, comments, or suggestions, please mail them to
late-show-news@mcs.net, NOT the Majordomo address.  I have nothing to do with
that list, so please direct all questions to the late-show-news@mcs.net

Now, FINALLY, the lists for 3/31, 4/1, 4/4, and 4/5

---> March 31, 1994 <---

Top Ten Signs It's Spring In New York

10. Street vendors change hot dog water
 9. Air is filled with 9mm, "NYC Hummingbirds"
 8. Cab drivers yell, "It's a lovely spring day.  Now get out of the road you
    stupid bastard!"
 7. Crews begin cleaning up litter in Times Square from New Year's Eve
 6. Madonna switches from basketball to baseball players
 5. More than usual, people are mating in the streets
 4. Al Sharpton switches to a lightweight medallion
 3. The coffee in stage manager Biff Henderson's head thaws
    (A clip is shown of Biff drinking coffee, while some sprays out of his
 2. Squirrels in Central Park are no longer storing crack
 1. Everywhere you look -- adorable baby rats

---> April 1, 1994 <---

Top Ten Signs The Easter Bunny Is Nuts

10. Hides all the eggs in his pants
 9. "Bite me" shaved into the fur on his back
 8. Last Tuesday doctors removed 17 pounds of plastic Easter grass from his
 7. Has been caught pelting cars with eggs on the Cross Bronx Expressway
 6. Much like President Clinton, can only say "No, no, no, no"
    (Dave showed a clip of President Clinton pounding his fist on a podium,
    shouting the word "no" over and over again)
 5. Home filled with thousands of old bodybuilding magazines & empty cans of
 4. Despite a restraining order, still stalking Mrs. Claus
 3. Claims he made $100,000 trading cattle futures without breaking any laws
 2. Every time he hops he falls on his ass
 1. Booked Madonna on his talk show
    (Madonna was a guest on the Late Show on March 30, and she "swore like a
    sailor" all through the interview)

---> April 4, 1994 <---

Top Ten Ways The Mets Can Improve

10. Simple team rule:  No hits, no pancakes.
 9. Set goals lower and try to make Little League World Series
 8. Curry favor with umpire by helping him make huge profit in cattle futures
 7. Chewing tobacco with steroids
 6. Get rid of Darryl Strawberry
 5. Bench entire team, give bat to trained monkey
 4. Maximum 2 arrests per season for all players
 3. Hire ghost of Ty Cobb to hang around dugout and give out kicks in the ass
 2. Throw opposing pitcher off his game by using f-word 13 times
    (Madonna was a guest on the Late Show on March 30, and she said the f-word
    13 times during the interview)
 1. Across-the-board 25% reduction in sucking

---> April 5, 1994 <---

Top Ten Ways Charles Kuralt Will Spend His Retirement

10. Move to Seattle, get a band together
 9. He's the new super on "Melrose Place"
 8. Just wait quietly at home for Kuraltmania to sweep the country
 7. Driving around rest home in a golfcart flicking lights "on" and "off"
 6. Watering and trimming Andy Rooney's eyebrows
 5. 12 hours a day making macaroni and cheese, 12 hours a day eating macaroni
    and cheese
 4. Three words:  Rap Video Cameos
 3. Start up RV.  Sit in driveway.  Drink beer.  Repeat.
 2. Get totally buffed and then kick some ass on "American Gladiators"
 1. Cruisin' for babes with Walter Cronkite

Brian Peek
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

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Date:         Wed, 6 Apr 1994 23:55:38 EDT
From:         Bryan Pack <UGPACK@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Fegg:lullabies/games <sick humor>

From _Dr. Fegg's Encyclopedia of *All* World Knowledge_
1974: Terry Jones & Michael Palin

=== Article: Lullabies ===

"A Lullaby"
(a lullaby)

Uncle Fegg is far away
Doing things to sheep.
He'll come and do something to you,
If you don't GO TO SLEEP!

"Another Lullaby"
(another lullaby)

Hush, little baby
There's nothing to fear,
I'm just a child-slaughterer
Tanked up with beer.

I'm drugged to the eyeballs,
I get dizzy spells.
I'm dressed in pyjamas,
And my breath *really* smells.

But you're safe, little baby,
From razors and burns,
That's as long as I don't get
One of my "turns."

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