Digest for Tuesday, April 05, 1994

There are 23 messages totalling 864 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Joke for Easter Season
  2. Talking Dog, Part Deux
  3. Humor: PC names of sports teams (non-offensive, I hope)
  4. May be offensive to af-am + a few others
  5. Life 3.V A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Dec 88
  6. Bar conversation
  7. humor
  8. Addr: (Offensive to) Blondes (If they understand them)
  10. Jeffery Dahmer and art (tasteless)
  11. Political -Clinton joke
  12. HUMOR: A sex guide to Lucky Charms
  13. Cards....
  14. guess what it is
  15. Oldie - non-offensive
  16. Pepsi, Flooding, & Pilots Licenses
  17. Humor: Why the shy is blue
  18. Dr. Fegg
  19. Humor: West Virginia application
  20. Contributors List Test (may be offensive)
  21. Clean, animal related
  22. top 10 (?) signs you need sleep


Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 08:57:15 -0400
From: Robert Nordvall Set Humor Digest <Robert.C.Nordvall@ADMIN.GETTYSBURG.EDU>
Subject:      Joke for Easter Season

In the mid 1950s Krushchev came to power in the Soviet Union and gave
his famous speech denouncing Stalin and the Stalinist reign of
terror.  As a follow-up to this speech, Krushchev wanted to exhume
Stalin and to bury him outside of the Soviet Union.  He approached
Eisenhower who was President of the United States.  Eisenhower
expressed sympathy with the idea but pointed out that if it ever
became known (as was very likely with the aggressive media in the US)
that he had sanctioned the burial of Stalin in the United States or
US territory, it would be a political disaster for him and for the
Republican party.

So Krushchev went to  Anthony Eden, the prime minister of Great
Britain.  He got essentially the same answer.

In desperation Krushchev talked to David Ben Gurion, the head of
Israel.  The Soviet Union at this time had no diplomatic relations
with Israel.  Still Ben Gurion was more encouraging.  Israel had a
lot of desert.  The Army and the intelligence community could be
counted on to keep a secret.  Yes it could be done, but Ben Gurion
noted "Mr. Premier, there is one thing I must warn you about."

Krushchev asked "what?"

To which Ben Gurion replied "My country has the world's highest
resurrection rate."

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 09:39:26 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Talking Dog, Part Deux <nearly clean>

A farmer from L.A. (Lower Alabama) sent his only son to the Crimson Tide
University in Tuscaloosa, having given the boy $9,000 in cash for the first
year's expenses.

At the Christmas break, the freshman realized that he was going to be in
trouble with the old man, because just a little bit more than half that
money was gone -- same old story -- wine, wimmyn, song.  "Dad," he says,
"I need to take the blue tick dog back to the university, because they've
got a program up there that can teach dogs to read and know pie are
square, and I don't know what all."  It only costs $2,000, and you'd have
the smartest dog in the county.  --"Sounds like a good idea to me,"
replies the farmer, "Here's the money."

About spring break time, the son, broke, calls home:  "Dad, I won't be
coming home on break, because the university researchers think that Blue
is the smartest dog in the class, and they want to teach him to talk
English.  It costs just $5,000."  --"Well," says the farmer, "sounds good
to me.  I'll wire you the money this afternoon."

Of course, that money went the same way as all the other.  The second
semester was over, and Junior arrives home without the dog.  "Where's
that $7,000 talking dog?" asks the father.  "Dad," replies the son, "it's
the dangedest thing.  Blue and I were driving home, having a real nice
chat, and suddenly he asked, 'Is your father still humping that widow
woman down the road?'  Dad, I felt I had to kill him right then and
there, just to protect you!"

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 11:33:51 -0400
From: Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject:      Humor: PC names of sports teams (non-offensive, I hope)

Found in Reader's Digest:
        The Politically Correct National Football League would like to
announce it's name changes and schedules for the '92 season:
        The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall
People on opening day.  Other key games will include the Dallas Western-
Style Laborers hosting the L.A. Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota
Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
        In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the
showdown between the San Fransisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the
New Orleans Pretty Good People.  The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play
host to the Philiadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey
will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed
Beasts of Burden.
        The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel
to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Freebooters later in Week 9.
And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Securities-
Traders-in-a-Declining-Market.  Week 9 also features the Indianapolis
Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 12:01:02 GMT
From:         Jim Davis <JDAVIS@ALLEGVM.BITNET>
Subject:      May be offensive to af-am + a few others

There once was this man who was in love with his girlfriend.  In fact, he
 her so much that he had her name (Wendy) tattooed on his penis.  The only
lem was that in most instances (when he wasn't erect) the only letters showing
were "W" and "Y".

This man had to take a business trip to Jamaica.  During his trip he happened
o be in a public restroom and there was a black man standing next to him
 a leak, too.  Our friend happenen to look over at the man next to him and
ced a "W" and a "Y" on his penis too.  He couldn't believe his eyes so he

"Is your girlfriend's name Wendy, too"
"Wha you on about mon?" was the black-man's reply
"I said, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?  You see, my girlfriend's name
 Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.  But, when I'm not aroused you can
ly see the "W" and the "Y".  And, since your penis has a "W" and a "Y"
 on it, I assumed your girlfriend's name is Wendy too."
"Well mon, you see, I ain't got no girlfriend.  But what I do have tattooed on
my penis is 'Welcome to Jamaica, man.  Hope you enjoy your visit.  Have a nice

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 09:59:33 PDT
From:         hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  3.V    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Dec 88


A man decided to conduct a world wide poll
He asked a Texan "Excuse me, what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
He got "What's a shortage?"
He went to Poland, asked same the question and got "What's meat?"
He went to Russia, asked same the question and got "What's an opinion?"
He went to New York, asked the same question and got "What's an excuse me?"


Jeff Kawski writes:
> My friend once saw a question like this on his physics final:
> A physics student is asked to find 3 ways to use a barometer to determine
> the height of a tall building.  His replies are as follows:
> 1.  Find someone who knows how tall the building is, and trade him the
>     barometer for the information.

Jeff Roberts replies:
>   Wasn't this joke ripped off from the first episode of "Head of the Class"
> (bunch'a brainy kids led by real-world substitute)?

   No way; this joke dates back to at least 1951. Sharvey Umbeck, president of
Knox College, told this one at every convocation for his 24 years at the helm
my dear alma mudhole. I would be surprised if he invented it: he told it as if
it were much older. He used it to underscore the breadth of the liberal arts.
The canonical reply list was:

0. What the teacher wanted:
   Measure the barometric pressure at the top and bottom of the building.
   Plug these into the equation in the book and spit out the answer.
1. Student's first attempt:
   Trade the barometer to the building's owner for the height.
<teacher rejects: no property characteristic of the barometer>
2. Measure the height of the barometer. Scale the side of the building,
   measuring its height in barometer-units.
<rejected: uses no basic scienctific principles>
3. Drop the barometer from the top of the building. Measure the time until it
   hits the street. Correcting for the mass/surface ratio of the instrument,
   use basic acceleration equation to find the height.
<rejected: barometer is no longer a barometer>
4. Tie string to top of barometer. Lower from roof to almost ground. Swing.
   Period of pendulum can be used to find distance from barometer's CG to top
   of building. Add displacement from CG to bottom of barometer; this is

<rejected: does not incorporate barometer's intended function>
5. Oh! You want that *boring* stuff from the beginning of the term! What is
   something this simple doing on the final? Anyone who doesn't know that has
   already dropped. I assumed you wanted us to *think*!

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 12:19:15 -0500
From:         Sean Watson <sw7@MAIL.EVANSVILLE.EDU>
Subject:      Bar conversation <rude><off. to virgins>

        This is not really a joke but a conversation I had at a local
bar.  I was sitting at a table, drinking with this girl that I had seen
there before.  I noticed that she was drinking a long island ice tea,
which as you all know, comes with a cherry.  Having already had a few
beers, I quickly improvised a pick-up line and asked her, "Excuse me, can
I have your cherry, or is it already spoken for?"  "Sorry," she replied,
"There's nothing left of my cherry but the box it came in."

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 12:27:36 -0500
From:         Ryan Hinch <rhinch@SUN.CIS.SMU.EDU>
Subject:      humor <sexual connotation>

A lady was married to this brute of a man who always beat and kicked her.
On top of all that, when they did have sex, it was no good.  So, she
decided she was tired of him and got a divorce.  A couple days after the
divorce finalized she placed an ad in the paper that read: "WANTED.
Husband that won't beat me or kick me. Good sex a must."

A week or so passed and she fianlly gets a knock at the door. She goes to
answer it only to find a man sitting in a wheel chair. She asks what he
wants and he informs her that he will be her new husband.

"Well, you don't have any arms." she notices.
"I can't beat you then, can I?" he replies.
"And you don't have any legs!"
"SO! That only means I can't kick you."
She pauses for a moment and then asks, "Well what about the sex?"
He answers confidently, "I knocked on the door didn't I?"

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 12:48:22 EST
From:         Kevin Cain <KEVIN@VM.CC.FAMU.EDU>
Subject:      Addr: (Offensive to) Blondes (If they understand them)

FROM: Kevin R. Cain

And You Thought The Blonde Bashing Was Over...

1.  Why do blondes make good secretaries?
    They take dictation on both knees.

2.  Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
    They can't get those little jars in the typewriter.

3.  How is a blonde like a cop car?
    They both make lots of noise to let you know they're coming.

4.  What was the blond voted by her senior class?
    The girl most likely to......

5.  How many blondes does it take to ice fish?
    Six - two to cut the hole in the ice and four to pus the boat through.

6.  Why do blondes make such good nurses?
    They can make the patient without disturbing the bed.

7.  Did you here about the blonde who had three chances to get pregnant?
    Blew 'me all!

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 13:54:58 -0400
From:         George Olson <GEO1@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject:      MAY BE OFFENSIVE



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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 10:25:28 -0700
Subject:      Jeffery Dahmer and art (tasteless)

I show this comic on A&E the other night and his closer was hilarious.
I thought I'd share it with anyone who hadn't seen it.

Jeffery Dahmer:  Cannibalistic maniac or artist working with an unpopular

I was on the floor.

ciao fer now

        | Mike Smith                    | Disclaimer: I have never      |
        | MASMITH@MICKEY.CARIBOO.BC.CA  | taken the pulse of a dying    |
        | voice:  604-371-5518          | duck or given mouth to mouth  |
        |                               | resuscitation to a horse fly  |
        |                               | --- King Missle----1992       |

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 15:31:18 -0400
From:         Nigel H. Mendez <nhmen@CONNCOLL.EDU>
Subject:      Political -Clinton joke

It is not Lettermans- but hey I think I did a good job??

From the Home Office in Larchmont, NY the Top Ten Things Overheard in the
Presidential Box During the College Basketball Finals:

10: "Oh, so you are saying that I should be rooting for the team in white?"

9:  "Can we get some burgers and fries up here?"

8:  "Sir, there are not enough people in this booth to do a wave"

7:  "Actually, I have NO chance of re-election no matter who wins the game."

6:  "I can't believe the shorts that these players are wearing; they should
        have stylish and practical shorts, like the ones that I jog in."

5:  "I hope this doesn't go into overtime- I have Gennifer back in the White
        House- after all Hillary is away for a few days."

4:  "IT just dawned on my, if Arkansas wins I have to bring all these hicks to
        the white house -- GO DUKE!!!!"

3:  "No Sir I don't think Arkansas needs you to play defense for them."

2:  "I can't believe that it is our job to defend a guy like this."

And the Number One thing Overheard in the Presidential Box during the
College Basketball Finals:

1:  'Hey Guys do you think that if Arkansas wins Hillary will let me run the
        country for a day?

Hope you enjoyed it --Nigel  Connecticut College

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 15:29:50 -0400
From:         Amy L. Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      HUMOR: A sex guide to Lucky Charms <risque>

* Amy L. Ward                      *                                       *
* Career Center                    * My gut instinct has never been wrong, *
* The George Washington University * but if it is someday, I'll just blame *
* Washington, DC                   * it on enchiladas.                     *
* cecalw@gwunix2.gwu.edu           *                                       *
* GAT d? -p+ c++ l+ u+ e+ m s n+ h f+ g- w+++ t++@ r- x+                   *


      Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms
marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed!  Yes, it's
true --- just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom

Green clovers:  If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the
  green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed.  You don't take
  anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage
  to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you.  You
  don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on
  them until they cheer up.

Blue diamonds:  If your favorite marhmallow shape is the blue diamond,
  your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later.  "If he
  really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably
  what's going through your mind.  People who like blue diamonds have
  a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and
  are the people most likely to file their nails while making love.

Orange Stars:  If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect
  to be the center of attention in bed.  You expect your partner to
  spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for
  him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause.  People who
  like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because
  they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they
  want to be able to watch themselves having a good time.  They often
  moan out their own names while making love.

Pink hearts:  If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type.  You
  like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if
  he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for
  romantic syllables.  People who like pink hearts read most of the
  romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor.

Purple horseshoes:  If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes
  are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped.  You like variety in
  the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains,
  swingsets, and chocolate pudding.  Be careful when going out on a
  picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes--she's likely to pin
  you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows
  what could happen next?

Yellow Moons:  If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested
  in satisfying your partner's needs than your own.  You prefer to
  lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her
  needs verbally or nonverbally.  People who like yellow moons usually
  own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex
  just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish
  them.  Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the purple
  horseshoes out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box.

Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all:  If you prefer
  the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't
  need to read this article.  People who prefer the oat bits usually
  become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or
  government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl
  brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive
  lyrics in rock music.  People who like oat bits have more time to
  spend writing letters to the editor than any other type.

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 15:17:49 -0500
From:         Petra R Tussey <pt3@MAIL.EVANSVILLE.EDU>
Subject:      Cards....<offensive to jacksons>

I was playing a game called hand and foot with my step father when He
looks at me as serious as ever and says, "You have a musical hand" when I
asked him what he was speaking of he said well you have the Jacks and fives!
You should have seen the look on my face when I finally figured out what
he said...it looked something like this  *   *


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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 14:59:00 MST
Subject:      guess what it is

What does Arnold Schwasgennegter (sic) have really long, Madonna doesn't
have, and the Pope has, but he doesn't use it?

Last Name.

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 16:08:08 -0600
Subject:      Oldie - non-offensive

Cleaning out files today, I came across an old (? when) Ann Landers column
with this 'author unknown' tidbit.
        It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called
Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life.  Man was
horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.
        Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I
don't need 20 years," said the monkey.  Man spoke up and said, "Can I have
the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed.  Then the lord gave the lion 20 years.
The lion, too, wanted only 10.  Again Man spoke up, "May I have the other 10
years?"  "Of course," said the lion.
        Then came the donkey who was also given 20 years.  As with the others,
10 years was enough.  Man again asked for the spare 10 years and he got them.
        This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of
monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making
a jackass out of himself.

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 16:15:57 -0600
From:         Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject:      Pepsi, Flooding, & Pilot's Licenses <off. to Pepsi>

I always enjoy looking at Frank and Earnest cartoons in the paper.
About a year ago, when the flooding in the East was happening, I opened up
the paper and found a most hilarious Frank and Earnest. It pictured God
and two angels. God was sitting on a cloud watching the two angels. The
two angels had a big lid with a brush attached to it and were flying
towards Earth. Next to God on the cloud, there was a bottle of White-Out.
The caption read (God was speaking to the angels.) "Wait...That's a little
drastic. Let's just go with the flood idea..."

Another cartoon that I thought was rather interesting and humerous
appeared around the time when Pepsi was being accused of having syringes
in some of the cans. It sports a picture of 5 executives sitting around a
table and behind them, is a loose interpretation of a Pepsi symbol. One of
the Executives had his finger up in the air and the caption read: "I've
got it! 'FREE' syringes in selected cans!" By the way, this was a Berry's
World cartoon.

The last little story, my step-grandmother is one hell of a person. She is
very nice, generous, pleasant, and exteremely messy. So, one day, I was
talking with my step-father and we were talking about his mother.
        "Dan," I said, "your mom has a pilot's license, doesn't she."
        "No." He said, "She doesn't have one. Why do you ask?"
        "Well, when I step into her house, I see that she can pile-it
there and pile-it here..."


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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 19:20:08 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor: Why the shy is blue <poem>

Why the Sky is Blue by John Ciardi

I don't suppose you happen to know
Why the sky is blue? It's because the snow
Takes out the white. That leaves it clean
For the trees and grass to take out the green.
Then pears and bananas start to mellow,
And bit by bit they take out the yellow.
The sunsets, of course, take out the red
And pour it into the ocean bed
Or behind the mountains in the west.
You take all that out and the rest
Couldn't be anything else but blue.

Look for yourself. You can see it's true.

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 19:28:23 EDT
From:         Bryan Pack <UGPACK@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Dr. Fegg <sick humor>

From _Dr. Fegg's Encyclopedia of *All* World Knowledge_
1974: Terry Jones & Michael Palin

=== Article: Nursery Rhymes ===

"Tea with Uncle Fegg"

Uncle Fegg, oh, Uncle Fegg,
What are you doing there?
A chicken in your trousers,
And porridge in your hair?

Why are you throwing rats at me?
And kicking that poor goat?
Why have you leapt upon me thus
And gripped me by the throat?

Why do you bang my head so much
Upon the bathroom floor?
Why have you got the carving knife?
And what's that bucket for?

Oh! Uncle Fegg! Oh! Uncle Fegg!
It really seems to me,
That it was all a BIG MISTAKE
To ask *you* 'round for tea....


"Simple Simon"

Simple Simon
Met a Pieman
Selling poisoned pies.
Said the pieman
"Why not try one?"
As he brushed off the flies.
Said Simple Simon
"Thank you, pieman."
And died, to his surprise.


"Daffodils and Flowers"
  by Laurence the Poet

Daffodils go ping! and oink!
They really are alarming!
I'm scared of big geraniums
And I'm sure that lilac's harming!

I don't feel safe with primroses
And pansies make me jump!
A rhododendron bush makes me go all wobbly.
And I'm terrified that hyacinths might whop me
  when I'm not looking!
Oh dear, just talking about it makes me want to
  go and sit down.
------------------------------------------------------------------ 76

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 20:06:57 EST
From:         Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor: West Virginia application <ethnic alert>

                   Application to Live in West Virginia
Name:__________________________ Nickname:_________________________________
CB Handle:_____________________
Address (RFD No.):_________________--_____________________________________
Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________
Neck Shade:     _____Light Red       _____Medium Red       _____Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin:       Upper_____     Lower_____
Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________
Truck equipped with:
____Gun Rack            ____4-Wheel Drive       ____Confederate Flag
____Cassette Deck       ____Load of Wood        ____Hijacker Shocks
____Radar Detector      ____Mag Wheels          ____Dual CB Antennas
____Spittoon            ____Camper Top          ____Air Horns
____Mud Flaps           ____Toothpick Holder    ____Mud-Grip Tires
____Raccoon Hide        ____Big Dog
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____
____Eat more Possum             ____My other car is a piece of shit too
____Honk if you love Jesus      ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit
____Redman Chewing Tobacco
Define the following (must be 90% correct):
1. Grits        6. Sawmill Gravy        11. Cobbler     16. Tater
2. Goobers      7. Turnip Salad         12. Fatback     17. Pig Skins
3. Pinto Beans  8. Shit-on-a-Shingle    13. Tote        18. Okrie
4. Collards     9. Redeye Gravy         14. Chickin' Fry19. Shonuf
5. Sidemeat     10. Soppin' Syrup       15. Poke        20. Chitlins
Favorite Vocalist:
____Reba McEntire       ____Conway Twitty       ____Loretta Lynn
____Hank Williams Jr.   ____Randy Travis        ____Ray Wylie Hubbard
____Tammy Wynette       ____Slim Whitman        ____Porter Wagoner
____Willie Nelson       ____George Jones        ____Box Car Willie
Favorite Recreation:
____Square Dancin'      ____Possum Huntin'      ____Skinny Dippin'
____Craw Daddin'        ____Gospel Singin'      ____4-Wheelin'
____Drankin'            ____Spittin' Backy      ____Bill Chip Throwin'
____Honky Tonkin'       ____Noodlin'            ____Other
Name of Son(s):   ____Bubba   ____Jim Bob    ____LeeRoy   ____J.D.
Name of Daughter(s):  ____PammySue   ____Violet   ____Paulette   ____Daisy
Weapons Owned:
___Deer Rifle   ___Sawed-Off Shotgun    ___Varmint Rifle ___Log Cabin
___Tire Iron    ___Power Chain Saw      ___Pick Handle   ___Hick'ry Switch
Number of Dogs:____    Type:    ___Blue Tick    ___Beagle
                                ___Black & Tan  ___Bird Dawg
Cap Emblem:     ___John Deer    ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser
                ___Vo-Tech      ___Skoal                ___Coors
                ___NAPA         ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear
Number of Dependents:    Legal:________         Claimed:_________
Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________
Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________
___KKK          ___NRA          ___Moose        ___PTL Club     ___AA
___Bass Club    ___VFW          ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion
___United Sons n' Daughters of the Confederacy
___John Birch Society
Length of Right leg:________            Length of Left leg:__________
Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of
Primer Red?  ___Yes    ___No
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______
How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________
Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________
Do you own any shoes?   ____Yes    ____No    If yes, how many?__________
What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________
Are you married to any of the following:
____Sister      ____Cousin      ____Sow
Do you know her name?________________
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________
If so, why?______________________________________________________________
Can you count:  Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________
Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________
Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
___BO           ___Head Lice    ___Rabies
___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose   ___Bad Breath

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 20:24:28 -0400
From:         Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Subject:      Contributor's List Test (may be offensive)

From: Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
In case anyone wonders, THIS is the application we have to fill out to be
allowed to post messages:

Subject: Re: Authorize Posting

                       Application Test
             for admission to Contributor's Status
                        UGA Humor List

The purpose of the Application Test is to provide the listowner with a
lot of information he can use to make money and blackmail people.

The contributors' list is not intended as an elitist group. It is only
that only that special people are allowed.  The two criteria are:
usable gossip about yourself or famous people, or large donations of
anonymous cash.

                       The Seven Questions

1. What was your grandmother's confirmation name?
2. How often do you have sex a week?      Straight or Gay?
   Who gets on top or who is dominant?  Describe explicitly what you do.
3. Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?
   (oops, sorry, wrong list - never mind)  What juicy gossip do you have
   about a famous person that can be converted to cash?
4. I have read HUMOR's rules. I understand them. I agree to work for
   free and to make substantial donation of funds to the list owner.  Explain
   any reservations you have either to this policy, or at any restaurant.
4. What color are you?   Do you object to undergoing a procedure for having
   this changed if your color is unacceptable to the list?  If not, why
5. Are you willing to convert to the Church of Satan or Neo-Paganism, and
   are you willing to undergo the appropriate conversion rituals?
6. Explain in detail the following: Why are we here?  What is the purpose
   of life?  What happens after we die?  Provide examples and evidence
   supporting your answers.
7. Show an example of a message which it is illegal to be sent by
   electronic mail, such as threats to assasinate the President of the
   United States, someone else's valid credit card numbers, or
   other such material which you have CCd to a public mailing list.

You will receive a reply when we see your response. If you satisfactorily
respond to all items, you will be accepted for the contributor's list and
you will be sent a welcoming message. If there was one or more problems,
you will be asked to re-submit an even more personal article. Please
realize that there can be up to a week delay between your test being
submitted and getting a response.  Responses accompanied by transaction
numbers for Western Union Money Transfers made payable to the list owner
receive higher priority.

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 20:54:45 -0400
From:         Hilde Horvath <HORVATH@DAEMON.RUTGERS.EDU>
Subject:      Clean, animal related

This is from the "Animals and Stuff" newsletter put out by Alaska Cooperative
Extension, Fall 1992, by Ken Krieg, Livetock Specialist:

Under "preventing farm fatalities"

#5.  When handling cattle or horses, either stand far enough away that they
can't reach you with their feet or close enough to them that they can hurt you
even if they kick.

21.  NEVER, NEVER try to teach a pig to sing. It is a waste of your time and
annoys the pig.

"The lifecycle is all backwards.  You should die first and get it out of the
way.  Then you live for 20 years in an old-age home, and get kicked out when
you're too young.  You get a gold watch and then you go to work.  You work 40
years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.  You go to college
and you party until you're ready for high school.  Then you go to grade
you become a little kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a
little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months
floating, and you finish off as a gleam in somebody's eye."

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 19:57:05 -0500
From:         Philip Goodloe <pg2@MAIL.EVANSVILLE.EDU>
Subject:      <sex  very funny>

        Over heard at a Tavern

        Little red riding hood was going through the woods to her grand
mothers house whene she was stoped by a rabbit the rabbit asked her where
she was going after she told the rabbit the rabbit told here not to go to
her grandmothers house because the big bad wolf was there and he would
teaar open her blouse and nibble on her nubbins she decided that she
would go anyway so off through the woods she went. While she was walking
through the woods a racoon stoped her and asked where she was going after
she had told the racoon where she was going the racoon told her not to go
because the big bad wolf was there and he would tear open her blouse and
nibble on her nubbins she decided to continue her trec. when she reached
her grandmothers house sure enugh ther was the wolf and he told little
red riding hood that he was going to rip open her blouse and nibble on
her nubbins. taking this in stride she reached into her basket and pulled
out a gun and aimed right between the wolfs eyes  then she told the wolf
that he wasn't going to nibble on her nubbins he would have to eat her
just like the story says.

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Date:         Tue, 5 Apr 1994 08:44:14 LCL
From:         Jennifer Lee Dockstader <jldock@MAIL.WM.EDU>
Subject:      top 10 (?) signs you need sleep

This is from a friend of my little brother's.  It came out just before
their finals at the University of Washington.  I loved it and cut it
out to post in our apartment, since we were all doing midterms at
that time.

10.  You avoid elevators for fear of the muzak putting you to sleep.
9.   Those little chairs with a "desk" attached to the side become
really damn comfortable.
8.   You ask your neighbors Bill and Ed to turn *up* their twenty thousand
watt system to keep you awake so you can study later.
7.   The twenty thousand watts of bass from next door have a strangely
relaxing vibrating massage effect as they rattle your room.
6.   While cutting through the museum you stop for a minute and are
mistaken for Henry Vazquely's sculpture  "Gaunt man at Death's Door."
5.   You hear people talking about how Bill slept with Jane last night
and the  first thing you think is that they actually just slept.
4.   You think the Bobbits are hiding under your bed but just roll over
and go to sleep anyhow.
3.   While walking in the rain, you become disorientated, drop to your
knees and begin looking for the soap.
2.   You look worse than you feel but don't care anymore and go out anyway.
6.   While watching Letterman, you're the only who doesn't groan at the
overdone Gilooley and Buttafucco  jokes.
5.   You use cold espressos instead of milk in your morning Wheaties.
4.   You are puzzeled to find your new Costco econosize tub of No-doze is
empty while the jar of M&M's you've been scarfing all week is barely
3.   The layer of dust on your bed is thicker than that on your
"Creative and Fun Integrations" optitional Calc. text.
2.   Your eyelids are heavier than Oprah Winfrey on a upswing.
1.   You can't even count to ten straight and actually believe you're funny.

- by John Weale (tyre@u.washington.edu)

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