Digest for Monday, April 04, 1994

There are 16 messages totalling 489 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. offensive to whales? Poles? Scots?
  2. Kids humorous sayings
  3. Humor--unethical doctor
  4. Divine Wind and Messy Shorts
  5. Humor: Happy Funball!!!
  6. test
  7. Church Humor (clean)
  8. Joke
  9. scottish-bash
  10. Smart Dog Joke (2 Profane Words)
  11. Humor: The death of the farmers cow and wife
  12. Political/religious news (wierd)
  13. Riddles for kids of all ages
  14. Life 3.V A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Dec 88
  15. Patience with patents
  16. Humor: Thinking about you


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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 00:31:00 PDT
From:         Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@UCLAMVS.BITNET>
Subject:      offensive to whales? Poles? Scots?

    There were two whales in the ocean and suddenly one of them
 gets hit by a harpoon.  "Bloody hell," he says, "where did that
 come from?"
    "From that old whaling ship," says the other.  "I've been
 getting hit from there for years--listen, let's get the
 bastards.  I'll go under the ship and give them a surprise."  So
 he swims under and heaves a great puff and pushes the ship right
 out of the water.  Sailors are scattered everywhere.  "Okay,"
 says the other one, "now let's eat 'em."
    "No way," says the first whale.  "Blow jobs I can handle, but
 eating seamen is something I just won't stomach."
- - - - -
    What does a just married Polish bride get on her wedding
 night that is long and hard?
    A last name.
- - - - -
    An American woman, visiting Scotland for the first time, had
 never heard the bagpipes.  After listening to McDougall play for
 nearly an hour, she went up to him and said, "Perhaps if you let
 go, it will stop screaming."

Jack Kolb
IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 08:09:37 -0600
From:         NAME <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Kid's humorous sayings

        When Marc, now grown, was about 4, he and I were driving home from
a church circle meeting.  As we passed a large funeral home, we noted many
cars and people, including, of course, a large black hearse.  Marc wanted
to know what was going on. So I explained that someone had died and they
were having a service before burying the person.  Marc didn't answere, but
I noticed that he was climbing all around, looking hard out of the windows
of the car, especially trying to look up.  Finally, he gave me a withering,
scornful look - the kind only a four-year-old can manage, and said, "I
don't see anybody going."
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 09:51:03 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor--unethical doctor <adult situation>

Patient to doctor: "Kiss me, kiss me!"
"I can't", replies the doctor, "It's unethical".
"Please..." he begs the doctor.
"It's impossible. I've taken the Hippocratic Oath" she says.
"But please...kiss me, even so" he pleads, sweat pouring down his face.
"No, no," the doctor crys, "I shouldn't even be making love to you!"
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 08:20:49 -0600
From:         Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject:      Divine Wind and Messy Shorts <funny, but profane in spots>

First of all, it was so pointed out to me that I made a mistake in my last
submittance. I used isle instead of aisle. My mistake, thanks Lee! :)

Now, on with the humor.

My step-father has some interesting friends. One inparticular had a spell
a couple of weeks ago that was a rather *messy* experience.
He works on a construction site here in Wyoming and has to drive 25 miles
to work to punch in and then another 5 miles to get to the work site.
Well, on this particular day, he had left work at the normal time and
drove the five miles to punch out at the office. Upon leaving the office
and en-route for home, he suddenly had the urge to let a rip-roaring fart.
Luckily for him, he was alone. So, he sat up, got ready and let 'er rip.
Out it came, followed right behind with a bunch of shit. Yup, he shit his
pants, pure as day! The really sad part about this is that he had to ride
the other 22 or so miles before he got home to change.
I couldn't even imagine having done this, much less having told someone
about it...

Greetings, good-day, farewell, bye, c-ya, laters, so long, <say good bye,
Jess> Oh, good bye jess. . .
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 11:09:32 -0400
From:         TK Baltimore <tkbalt@MINERVA.CIS.YALE.EDU>
Subject:      Humor: Happy Funball!!!

This is a transcription of the Saturday Night Live parody commercial for
Happy Fun Ball.

-- HAPPY FUN BALL --

(kids)
It's Happy!
It's Fun!
It's Happy Fun Ball!

(announcer)
Yes, it's Happy Fun Ball,
the toy sensation
that's sweeping the nation.
Only 14.95 at participating stores!
Get one Today

(background voice)
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid
prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which if exposed due to rupture
should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:

* Itching
* Vertigo
* Dizziness
* Tingling in extremities
* Loss of balance or coordination
* Slurred speech
* Temporary blindness
* Profuse Sweating
or
* Heart palpitations

If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately.  Seek shelter
and cover head.
Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container
and kept under refrigeration.
Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products
Incorporated, and it's parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of
any and all liability.
Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which
fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is
also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.

(announcer)
Happy Fun Ball!  Accept no substitutes!

                                Tah tah.
                                        TK
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 11:08:55 MEX
From:         Antonio \Gordolfo\ Oliveros <OLIVEROS@IBERO.UIA.MX>
Subject:      test

disregard this test, more humor to come...
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 12:23:23 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Church Humor (clean)

Every week, Miss Agnes, a retired schoolteacher and lifetime
member of the church, would shake the pastor's hand and
eloquently praise the sermon.  One Sunday, he jovially
questioned her about his sermon's content.  Miss Agnes
failed the quiz, but refused to let him have the last word.

"I guess I'm like a wicker basket," she said.  "If you put
me down in a well and bring me up, I don't hold much water,
but I feel a whole lot cleaner."

--------------------------------------------
Phil Corless
Boise, Idaho      apucorle@idbsu.idbsu.edu
--------------------------------------------
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 11:46:14 EST
From:         Ken Landa <B2RT@MUSICB.MCGILL.CA>
Subject:      Joke <reference to God>

"God is dead!"
    -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, 1891

"Nietzsche is dead!"
    -God, 1900




Ken Landa
b2rt@MUSICB.McGill.CA
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 15:11:29 -0500
From:         Matt Loach <LOAC9687@SPLAVA.CC.PLATTSBURGH.EDU>
Subject:      <humor> scottish-bash

   Did you hear about the wonderful practical joke that was played on
the Scottish?





   Apparantly, someone gave the kilt-wearing fools a few sets of bagpipes,
and told them that they were musical instruments.

BP

           # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
          # Matthew Loach  [Haz-Mat]    "Have wrench, will travel." #
           # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
          #       Internet: LOAC9687@splava.cc.plattsburgh.edu      #
          #        Bitnet:   LOAC9687@snyplava.bitnet               #
           # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 15:22:43 EST
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <ADKO@NMUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Smart Dog Joke (2 Profane Words)

A farmer was down on his luck having suffered a bad growing season,
lack of crops and poor prices.  To make ends meet he decided he'd
have to sell his dog - a most intelligent animal.  A few days after
placing the ad, a man came to see this "intelligent" dog.  When
asked when the dog could do, the farmer pointed to a stand of trees
nearby and informed the man there was a pond on the other side.  He
turned to the dog and commanded, "Hunt."  Immediately the dog took
off for the trees, came back a few moments later and barked twice.
The farmer said, "He just told me there are two ducks down at the
pond."

"That's absurd."  said the potential buyer.  "Dogs can't count.  He
was probably just barking for the heck of it."  Just then a duck
flew overhead, decended just past the trees and apparently landed
on the pond.  "Now send him back and have him count!" said the
man.  The farmer again commanded "Hunt!" and off went the dog.  He
came back shortly and barked three times.  The buyer finally
believed the dog was smart and bought him on the spot.

A few days later the man took his new dog out into the woods where
he knew there was a pond nearby.  He commanded the dog "Hunt!" and
the dog took off toward the pond and came back a few minutes later
with a stick in it's mouth.  He came up to the man swinging the
stick wildly around and began humping his leg.  "Smart, my ass!"
said the new owner and promptly shot the dog.  When he got home
he immediately called the farmer to complain.  "Some dog you sold
me!  When I told him to 'hunt' he came back waving a stick and
started humping my leg so I shot the queer critter."

And the farmer replied, "You stupid idiot!  He was trying to tell
you there were more fucking ducks than you could shake a stick at!"

EconomicalSignatureOfKathleenOlivier
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 15:36:37 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor: The death of the farmer's cow and wife <almanac>

A farmer having settled in a country village on a little farm, gained
the esteem of the whole neighbourhood. The first year was hardly
expired when he lost a very fine cow, which was by much the best of
all his cattle, and he was extremely mortified at it; but this was
nothing to the grief he felt in a short time afterwards, when death
also took away his wife. His neighbours thought they were obliged to
comfort him; "Honest farmer," said one of them, "do not alarm
yourself; the wife you lost was a good one, it is true, but there is
as good to be had. I have three daughters for my part; take your
choice of them." Another offered him a sister, another a niece.--"Lord
have mercy upon us," replied the farmer, "it is better to loose one's
wife than one's cow: My wife is hardly three hours dead, and here are
half a dozen people already offering to supply her place for me; but
when my cow died, the devil a one spake of giving me another." (Beers'
Almanac for 1800)


Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American
Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 17:22:39 -0400
From:         John L. Vogel <jvogel@CAP.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Political/religious news (wierd)

        Folks,
                I didn't make this up.  I don't think I could have.  These
are straight form the pages of Monday's (4/4/94) Washington Post.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 16:34:10 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Riddles for kids of all ages

        Q. What do you call a parakeet with a doctoral degree?
        A. A birdbrain!

        Q. What do you call a plastic parrot?
        A. Polly Esther.

        Q. What do you call a small, square pasta filled with crow
           meat?
        A. Ravenoli.

        Q. What do you call a wacky chicken?
        A. A cuckoo cluck.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 17:38:09 PDT
From:         HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  3.V    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Dec 88

----------------------------------------------------

       The Three Untruths of Today's Society:
           1)  The Check is in the Mail
           2)  I'll Still respect You in the Morning
           3)  Hi, I'm from the Government and here to help.

----------------------------------------------------

     A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that
this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything
to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything
that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours.
The Scot replied, "If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would
make me very happy." So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the
room and play for the dying man.
     When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his
eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced
around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the
tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a
miracle cure that he couldn't explain. When the pipes began to play
the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2
Englishmen in for checkups died.

'Tis said in Erin that 'twas the Irish who invented the bagpipes and gave
'em to the Scots as a joke...and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

----------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the Newfie Rubix's cube? It's white on all sides and
it takes two minutes to solve.

Boss: "Newfie, you should have been here at nine o'clock."
Newfie: "Why, what happened?"

Newfie to his friend: " The boys said you weren't fit to sleep with the
                        pigs. I stuck up for you. I said you were."

----------------------------------------------------

Ever sinces there's been an overflow of lawyers, they've been going out
of their way to find a case:

Are you injured?
You sure? Check again...
Have you been injured lately?
Have you EVER been injured?
Know anybody who's been injured?
Have any friends who've been injured?
Do they thave any friends who've been injured?
Do you're friend's friends have any friends who've been injured?

----------------------------------------------------

 And if you put Saturn in a bucket of water, it would float.
...but you wouldn't want to do that!  It would leave a ring!
and leave you with a Titanic clean-up job to do.

  I know that trick.  The rings keep it up.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 23:02:12 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Patience with patents

----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: mmm@cup.portal.com (Mark Robert Thorson)

>From time to time, computer architects must face the patent system.
This requires working with a patent attorney to develop a
description of a product under development in the highly formalized
language and style of patent.  In addition to being a major pain in the
neck and time waster, it usually hits early in the development cycle,
when the designer is deeply involved in finalizing the design and
debugging the prototypes.

This can be a frustrating process, because it has to be done right the
first time.  Adding material is usually impossible, because it means
accepting a new filing date.  If in the meantime a public disclosure of
the invention has been made, all foreign patent rights are lost.

Although new material cannot be added, it is a little-known fact that
any amount of material can be supplied with the patent application
at the time of filing, then deleted from the application.  It is this
material which can be added back (undeleted).  It can be added back
whole or in part.

To this end, the following paragraph was developed.  It is
recommended that this paragraph (or a variant of it customized to
your invention) is interleaved with every other paragraph in your
patent application:

"The dynamic pipelined parallel cache SCSI DMA graphics
communications CISC RISC processor port disk memory controller is
equipped with can handle transfer control receive transmit buffer
calculate operate produce up to a minimum maximum of 1 2 4 8 16
32 K M G baud bits bytes words pixels 8- 16- 32- 64- 80- bit
integers IEEE-compatible floating-point numbers per second cycle
memory bank page sector disk row line column frame
communications channel.  This is useful useless required provides for
fast slow high low performance resolution speed density cost power
consumption interactive memory math calculation graphics I/O
communications bandwidth cycles."

By selectively undeleting individual words, we can form an infinite
variety of new sentences, such as:

"The SCSI port can transfer up to 4 M bytes per second.  This is
useful for high performance I/O bandwidth."

"The cache controller handles a maximum of 128 K memory.  This
provides fast memory cycles."

"The pipelined RISC processor can operate on 80-bit IEEE-compatible
floating-point numbers.  This is required for high-resolution math."

"The graphics controller can produce up to 16 pixels per cycle.  This
provides fast interactive graphics."

A somewhat longer version of this paragraph forms the basis for my
patent application "A Digital Machine for Operating on Data".  :-)
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Date:         Mon, 4 Apr 1994 20:47:12 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor: Thinking about you <bittersweet poem>

We all have thought a lot about you by John Ciardi


Two hundred twenty thousand, five hundred twenty-three
Registered local voters (well, yes, including me
Were asked to vote in secret on what to do with you.
Two hundred twenty thousand five hundred twenty-two
Voted to put you in a cage and throw away the key.

That isn't quite unanimous, but I think you will agree
That as a test of sentiment their vote will surely do
To indicate what seems to be a rather general view
Shared by the mayor, the aldermen, your teachers, the police,
The deputy dog-catcher, the man who makes the keys,
The man who makes the cages, and the keeper of the zoo.
You might say everyone in town--no, that's not strictly true--
But *almost* everyone in town takes a dim view of you.
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