Digest for Saturday, April 02, 1994

There are 8 messages totalling 343 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Care of Floppy disks
  2. Humor: Lewis Grizzard funny book titles
  3. Salesperson humor; involves excrement
  4. Humor: Lewis Grizzard humor
  5. parents sayings
  6. More parental sayings
  7. Sam I am; Purpose of Usenet; Fascinating Panama


Date:         Sat, 2 Apr 1994 00:00:04 -0500
From:         Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Subject:  Care of Floppy disks

From: Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA

[Originally posted on the GAMES List]

Date:     Fri Mar 25, 1994  9:13 pm  EST
From:     Cowgirl Librarian  <ds_gilkeson@venus.twu.edu>
Subject:  Care of Floppy disks

Useful information. Should be posted next to all computers. *snicker*


                            PROPER CARE OF FLOPPIES

1   Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk
and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.  Diskettes should be rolled up
and stored in pencil holders.

2   Disketts should be cleaned and waxed once a week.  Microscopic metal
particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the
disk.  Any stubborn metallic shaving can be removed with scouring powder and
soap.  When waxing the diskette, make sure the surface is even.  This will
allow the disk to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

3   Do not fold diskette unless they do not fit into the drive.  "Big"
diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

4   Diskette cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine.
If you need to back up your data, simply insert two diskettes into the
drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both

5   Never insert a diskette into a drive upside down.  The data can fall off
the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

6   Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red
light is flashing.  Doing so could result in smearing or possibly
unreadable text.  Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is
known as a "hung" or hooked" state.  If your system is "hooking" you will
probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the

7   If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the
disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes.  This will pack
the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage.  Be sure to
cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

8   Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the
dishette jacket.  This will provide more simultaneous access points to the

9   Diskette may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they
are properly waxed beforehand.  Be sure to wipe the diskette dry before

10  Never use scissors or glue to manual edit documents.  The data stored
is much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from
some other document stuck in the middle of your document.  Razor blades
and scotch tape may be used provided the user is equipped with an electron

11  Periodically spray diskette with insecticide to prevent viruses from

Paul Robinson - Paul@TDR.COM
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush <randy@psg.com>
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:

Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.

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Date:         Sat, 2 Apr 1994 10:11:03 EST
From:         Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      Humor: Lewis Grizzard funny book titles

Sunday, 20 March 1994, the Southern Humorist Lewis Grizzard, 47, died
of heart disease at Atlanta's Emory University Hospital. His humor was
about himself, women, good ole boys, football, golf, his heart
disease, his pets, and the South. The Encyclopedia of Southern Culture
called Lewis Grizzard "the Faulkner of the common man." He wrote 20
books (mostly collections of his newspaper columns). Even if you
didn't like his books, most folks thought his book titles were a hoot.
(hoot is Southern for "real funny"). Here are some of his best titles:

    Kathy Sue Loudermilk, I Love You (1979)
    Elvis is Dead and I Don't Feel So Good Myself (1980)
    Don't Sit Under the Grits Tree with Anyone Else But Me (1981)
    They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped that Sucker Flat (1982) about
his first open heart surgery.
    If Love were Oil, I'd be about a Quart Low (1983)
    Shoot Low Boys, They're Ridin' Shetland Ponies (1985)
    My Daddy was a Pistol and I'm a Son of a Gun (1987)
    When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I be too Old to
Care? (1987)
    Don't Bend over in the Garden Granny, You Know Them 'Tators Got
Eyes (1988)
    Chili Dawgs Always Bark at Night (1989)
    If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the
Ground (1990)
    Advice to Newly Wed and the Newly Divorced (1990) from a man who
in his life was married four times and divorced three times.
    Does a Wild Bear Chip in the Woods? (1990) about golf.
    You Can't Put No Boogie-Woogie on the King of Rock and Roll (1991)
    Don't Forget to Call Your Mama, I Wish I Could Call Mine (1991)
    I Haven't Understood Anything Since 1962: And other Nekkid Truths
    I Took a Lickin' and Kept on Tickin and Now I Believe in Miracles

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.

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Date:         Sat, 2 Apr 1994 11:44:18 -0500
From:         Mark Darrall <00mtdarrall@LEO.BSUVC.BSU.EDU>
Subject:      Salesperson humor; involves excrement

I was discussing the relative value of warranties with a representative of
our company; he soon came to recall a past position with a large
manufacturer of farm implements. "Yeah, we had the best warranties in the
business for all our equipment," Larry began as he took a long pull on his

"Except for our manure spreaders," Larry continued slyly, "we refused to
stand behind *those*.

(And Groans are heard across the net)
bis spater!

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Date:         Sat, 2 Apr 1994 11:58:33 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor: Lewis Grizzard humor

I, too, enjoyed Lewis Grizzard's humor. Monday after his death, his
newspaper, the Atlanta Constitution published a list of his most
memorable lines. Here they are, plus one they didn't print.

On Golf
    Golf is a frustrating little game conceived by real estate
developers so they would have an excuse for ruining perfectly
good forests by turning them into golf courses.

On dogs
    A dog doesn't care where you've been, who you've been with or
what you've been doing. A dog is just glad you're home. You can't
say that about a lot of people.

On nudity
    Nudity used to be difficult to come by, which made me a lot
more interested in it than I am today, when it is possible to
stand around at a newsstand gazing at magazine covers and see
enough skin to reupholster the interior of a Greyhound bus.

On sports
    I'm against the New York Yankees, no matter who they are
playing; I don't like John McEnroe of tennis because he's a
whining little rich boy with a dirty mouth; and I'm against
any wrestler who wears a mask, especially if his belly also
flops over the top of his tights.

On music
    The trouble with young people today is you could put lyrics
to the sound of a power saw being cranked and they would show up
to listen to four hoodlums with orange hair play it.

On women
   I am just as much in favor of justice as the next person, but
I often have a difficult time feeling sorry for women when they
scream about being sexually harassed in, say, their offices after
they show up at work wearing something that would have embar-
rassed Mae West.

    To remember old loves--when a girl could still cook and still
would, to quote Merle Haggard--is something the feminists will
never take away from us.

On life
    Life is like a dog-sled team; if you ain't the lead dog, the
scenery never changes.

One of my favorite Grizzard titles was the title for his first comedy
album, On the Road with Lewis Grizzard--I've Seen England, I've Seen
France, I've Seen Miss America Without Her Underpants. In 1985 that
bit about Miss America was true for many people who took a peek at
Penthouse trash-a-ma-zine.

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Date:         Sat, 2 Apr 1994 11:00:13 -0700
From:         Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject:      parents' sayings <shouldn't be offensive>

Parents say the darndest things to their children sometimes.

My whole family used to take the "Once-A-Year-Family-Vacation" all over
the country. (Ok, so when I was littler, a trip to CA and back seemed like
all over the country...) My sister and I used to sit in the back seat of
our Honda Accord. Most of the time, we would sit there and be seemingly
happy to be with the other. However, there was those times when we would
get into some sort of tickling spar or simply just have it out right there
in the back seat. When we would get into one of those, my father would
look at us through the rear-view mirror and say, "Don't you make me have
to come back there!" I used to tell him, "Well pull the car over, c'mon
back! Let's see what you're made of . . ."

Had a great time when my parents left my sister and I alone at home for the
first time. The second night they were gone, my mom called and I answered.
She said, "Son, how's the house?" I smiled really big and replyed, "Well,
house has been sick, mom. Puking all over the place, got this rash, nasty
looking bumps and a temperature. Other than that, house is fine."

One time, I really made my mother mad. She was really steamin'. "Son, you
go to your room and don't come down until you learn how to act!" "But
mom," I said, "what does ..." "Don't you talk back to me, get up there
now!" So, I left and went up to my room. I sat there on the bed and
thought, and I thought some more. Finally, I went down stairs. My mom
looked at me and said, "Did you learn to act?" I stood up straight and
said with a serious face, "To be? Or not to be, that is the question." Her
eyes narrowed and her face turned red and she said, "Oh, we have mister
funny man here. Well you just wait 'til your father comes home . . ." and
I'm thinkin', 'What the hell does dad know about acting?'

Sorry so lame!


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Date:         Sat, 2 Apr 1994 13:37:17 CST
From:         David Christian <DCHRISTI@NDSUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      More parental sayings

My father's favorite threat when I was growing up was "Do I need to take my
belt off?"  One afternoon, being the wisenheimer (does anyone really know what
that word means?) I was, I told him if he did, he'd have a hard time catching
me...being his pants would be around his knees.  Leave it to the old man to
one-up me....he quit smoking, gained forty pounds, and didn't need the belt to
keep his pants up.  (Not that he ever used the belt on me, but I knew my
answer didn't hold *ahem* weight after that.)

My sister's and I were also notorious back seat arguers.  Mom's favorite two
lines were "I'll pull the car over right here and give you both a whoppin'"
and "Do you want to be left at home next time?"  To the second, my answer was
inadvertantly "Yes.  I do."

What I could never understand, though, was when parent's would ask the
question of "Do you want a spanking?"  Anyone besides me ever say, "Sure"?

(Just so you all know, I was not a battered child, but I did my fair share of
hell-raising.  The punishment usually suited the crime!)

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Date:         Sat, 2 Apr 1994 15:16:44 -0600
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Sam I am; Purpose of Usenet; Fascinating Panama

>From a ".signature" line (I think in some English-speaking countries,
the last syllable in "weekend(s)" is stressed; Australia may be such a

Gregory Bond <gnb@bby.com.au> Burdett Buckeridge & Young Ltd Melbourne
AustraliaI will not do it as a hack       I will not do it for my friends
I will not do it on a Mac        I will not write for Uncle Sam
I will not do it on weekends     I won't do ADA, Sam-I-Am
Usenet is a way of being annoyed by people you otherwise never would
have met.
From: griffith@argos5.DNET.NASA.GOV (Peter C. Griffith (301-341-1814))

I spent 14 fascinating months living in Panama (not with any of the US
colonial groups) and would like to report that drivers very commonly
drive like maniacs at night with no lights on in the mountains.  Why?
I asked many times.  Actually, I asked "Por que?"  The theory was that
if you had your lights off, you would have a better chance of seeing
the lights of the other guy before he came around the corner.  This
explanation was offered seriously by several people who I knew from long
acquaintance to be intelligent.  You might detect the logical fallacy
here, but I was unable to make much headway in explaining it to
Panamanians, who otherwise are as clever and versitile a group as I have
found anywhere.

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Date:         Sat, 2 Apr 1994 23:04:34 -0600
From:         Philip Goodloe <pg2@MAIL.EVANSVILLE.EDU>
Subject:      <political>

        President Clinton, Vice President Quale,&  Senators Packwood, &
Kennedy got into a spelling bee They all arived at a word that none of
them could spell with this being the end the Judges had a hard time
determining a winner. The Judges finaly decided upon Quale as the victor
he was the only one of the four that knew HARASS was one word.


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