Digest for Friday, October 29, 1993

There are 32 messages totalling 831 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Want to sell ad
  2. Crocodile and man II [Keywords: Sex,old women, animals]
  3. EEC
  4. Un-Joke
  5. Politically correct NFL and what IS cricket?
  6. Pickup Line
  7. Pickup Line
  8. Pickup Lines (contains some strong language)
  9. Bumper sticker - clean
  10. Halloween Groaners (G)
  11. pickup lines
  12. Things to do when the system goes down......
  13. RE pickup lines
  14. Netiquette
  15. Pickup lines
  16. Montana Cowboy Hygiene
  17. We real cool
  18. How long since you had sex & the farmers daughter <2 jokes>
  19. Dr. Death costume
  20. pickup lines -- part 2
  21. A three hour tour?
  22. Re: Pickup Line
  23. pick-up lines
  24. Pickup lines
  25. sexual content - thing found in dark places
  26. National Condom Week
  27. Re: Dont be too prodigal
  28. pickup lines
  29. Sexist Q&A (gross)
  30. Helmets and anteaters, and fish (sexual situations)
  31. Sex joke
  32. Personal ad (clean)


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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 00:47:50 EST
From:         Joel OConnor <X7KG@SLUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Want to sell ad

> For Sale: By Owner, Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,
> Excellent Condition! No Longer Needed! Children Know Everything !

Hey guess what!!!  I probably sold you those Encyclopedias!!!!!!!!!!
You see, I'm the Encyclopedia Britannica Boy!!!!  Cool stuff huh???

Recognize this?? "Scored a B+...Overkill."
I wish you all desk reference bliss...
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 08:11:00 +0100
From:         WIM VERVEEN <VERVEEN@ATO4.OVO.AGRO.NL>
Subject:      Crocodile and man II [Keywords: Sex,old women, animals]

This man comes with a crocodile in a bar. Takes a seat, puts the crocodile
next to him and orders a drink.
Bartender: Isn't it kind of dangerous, a crocodile?
Man: Hell, no! Let me show you.
The man unzips his fly and puts his pride in the open mouth of the crocodile;
and starts hitting the animal on the head. Nothing happens and after some time
he asks to the people in the bar: Sombody else want to try this?
Old lady: Yes me, but don't hit me on the head so hard.
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 11:29:35 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <Hogne.Sandvik@ISF.UIB.NO>
Subject:      EEC

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the
European Parliament has commissioned a feasability study in ways of
improving efficiency in communications betwen Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to
iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be
made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthousiasm when in the sekond year, it was
anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reatsh the stage where more komplikated tshanges are
possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters
which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therfor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the
skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing
'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v',
vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o
kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of
kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing  zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trublsm
difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems
of Mr. Orvel vud finali hav kum tru.

(From REA News, Journal of the Royal Aircraft Establishment)
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 11:03:43 GMT
From:         Nicholas Dyson <NICO2@SRV0.LAW.EDINBURGH.AC.UK>
Subject:      Un-Joke

Please don't try to look for any hidden meaning, beacuse there isn't
one.

  Q: What's brown and sits in a field?
  A: Mince.

  Q: What's brown and quacks?
  A: Donald Mince.
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 10:02:00 EST
From:         HARSH <HARSH@CRNLGSM.BITNET>
Subject:      Politically correct NFL and what IS cricket?

----------------------------Original message----------------------------
POLITICALLY CORRECT NFL
-----------------------
Washington Native Americans
New York Very Tall People
Dallas Western-Style Laborers
L.A. Uninvited Guests
Minnesota Plundering Norsemen
Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts
New Orleans Pretty Good People
Phoenix Male Finches
Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes
Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden
Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals
Tampa Bay West Indies Freebooters
Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats
Chicago Securities-Traders-in-a-Declining-Market
Indianapolis Young Male Horses
New England Zealous Lovers of Country
Atlanta Hovering Birds of Prey
Philadelphia Largely Non-Hovering Birds of Prey
Seattle Oceanic Birds of Prey
Tampa Bay Ocean-Going Unlawful Salvage Personnel
Houston Liquid Fossil Fuel Devotees
(or taking a different interpretation of oilers) Wheel Rotation Perpetuators
LA Male Horned Largely-Mountain Faring Ruminants
NY Air-Fed Inertial Reaction Propulsion Systems
Kansas-City Native American Leaders
Pittsburg Ferrous Heavy Industry Personnel
Cleveland Subtle Mixtures of 66% Red and 33% Green
San Diego High Voltage Capacitor Technicians
Buffalo Men Named William, On Familiar Terms With Associates
--------
What IS cricket??
=================

"It's very simple; you have two sides, one out in the field, one in.  Each
man on the side that's in goes and when he's out he comes in and the next
man goes in until he's out.  When they're all out, the side that's been
out in the field comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries
to get out those coming in.  If the side that's in declares, you get men still
in not out.  Then when both sides have been in and out including not outs,
twice, that's the end of the match.  Now, do you see?"
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 10:32:00 -0400
From: Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642 <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      Pickup Line

OK guys, new thread. Let's try humorous or sleazy and humorous pickup lines.
To get us started, here is one I heard on a local radio station.

This guy walks up to a lady in a bar and says, "You must be exhausted." She
asks why he said this and he replies, "Because you've been running through my
mind all day long." By the way, you've got to sound a little like Herb Tarlick
from "WKRP in Cincinati" or David Leisure (Joe Isuzu and next door neighbor in
"Empty Nest") when you say this.
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 10:40:34 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <mthompso@NALUSDA.GOV>
Subject:      Pickup Line

I believe it was Playboy magazine that also ran a contest for best pickup
lines.  The one voted the best was, "Do you come here often, or do you
wait 'til you get home?"
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 10:46:16 -0400
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      Pickup Lines (contains some strong language)

From:  MAD Magazine: Classic Flops
       Spring 1986.

       9 Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines:
       ---------------------------------
       1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"
       2. "Is that a false nose?"
       3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno."
       4. "I'm drunk."
       5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy."
       6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?"
       7. "I just threw up."
       8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me."
       9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed
           like that."

         Ted Kennette             Internet: tkennett@Bentley.Edu
         Systems Manager            Bitnet: tkennett@Bentley.Bitnet
         Bentley College

  "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock"
            "In the immortal words of socrates: I drank what?"
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 10:10:37 -0600
From:         NAME <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Bumper sticker - clean

Saw this one on the way to work this morning:
        "Avenge yourself!  Live long enough
        to be a problem to your children."
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 09:22:46 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Halloween Groaners (G)

Halloween Groaners!

Q:  What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A:  A Bloodhound!

Q:  Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
A:  In a red bloodcell!

Q:  What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
A:  Fangsgiving!

Q:  What do you give a vampire with a cold?
A:  Coffin Drops!

Q:  Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
A:  They would only let him be BAT boy!

Q:  Why didn't Dracula get married?
A:  He never met a nice Ghoul!
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 11:11:00 -0400
From:         T.C. Borne <Front.Desk@UC.EDU>
Subject:      pickup lines

so do you wanna fuck, or do i owe you an apology?

[a guy i know used to use this one, don't ask me why:]
so, do you like apples?
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 12:04:15 -0400
From: Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject:      Things to do when the system goes down......

                    Things to do when the system goes down

o Complain about your salary.
o Complain about your manager and how you can do his/her job better
  than he/she can.
o Update your resume.
o Call Dial-A-Joke.
o Take a stress test given in any fitness magazine and discover that you
  checked "yes" to every question, and your cumulative score indicates an
  imminent breakdown.
o Call Dial-A-Prayer.
o Phone your technical support group and discover (again) the line is still
  busy.
o Do isometric exercises and hope no one sees you twitch.
o Water the plant on your desk that looks as though it has had a long
  lingering illness.
o Get your eighth cup of coffee.
o Clean out your desk, and remove all old, rotting chocolate chip cookies
  that are sitting next to your Adidas running shoes.
o Improve your New York Times crossword skills after stealing a dictionary
  from the department secretary.
o Find out all the neat toys you can make with paper clips.
o Reflect on the fact that major drug dealers never have to go through this,
  and that each owns a Mercedes Benz.  Consider a major career change.
o Investigate the cost of opening a fruit-and-vegetable stand on a good
  corner near your office.
o Do weight-lifting exercises using 5-lb. quality assurance manuals.
o Make paper airplanes out of the standards manual.
o Leave the office, and take a brisk walk in the sunshine.  Upon your
  return, discover that the system came up as soon as you left, but is now
  down again.
o Speculate freely on office romances and designate the recepients of the
  Mary Cunningham/William Agee award.
o Dive into the pyramid swamping your "IN" box, and uncover all of last years
  technical updates.
o Cast the Wizard of Oz using members of your department.  It should be easy
  find those without brains, without hearts and who need courage simply by
  examining the list of executive officers.
o Cast Snow White using members of your department.  There is usually a
  plethora of talent available for the role of Dopey, so compile a list
  of understudies.
o Compose a Fantasy Island script on career pathing in your firm, bearing
  in mind that there are some miracles even Mr.Roarke cannot perform.
o Consult your daily horoscope in the newspaper, and discover that new
  opportunities await.  Then call your local headhunter.
o Take your three-piece corduroy suit to the cleaners for it's yearly pressing
o Designate the weakest, wimpiest member of your department "Punk Hunk of the
  Month", and invite the individual to put a safety pin throught his nose.
o Do the exercises in Tom Jackson's The Perfect Resume, listing all the
  accomplishments you could have done if the system were up.
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 16:11:59 GMT
From:         Adrian Littler <littler@GATWICK.SGP.SLB.COM>
Subject:      RE pickup lines

"HOT OFF THE PRESS"

A friend of mine (honest) used this pickup line last Saturday AND it
worked!!!!

Can you help me solve this equation "x squared - 16 = 0"?

She did.
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 12:24:53 EDT
From:         Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      Netiquette <satire>

Original-author: brad@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton)
Last-change: 30 Nov 91 by brad@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton)

"Dear Emily Postnews" Emily Postnews, foremost authority
on proper net behaviour, gives her advice on how to act
on the net.
-----------

Q: I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should I
do?

A: Include the entire text with your article, particularly the
signature, and include your comments closely packed between the lines.
Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article looks like a
reply to the original.  Everybody *loves* to read those long
point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling
and lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.

Be sure to follow-up everything, and never let another person get in
the last word on a net debate.  Why, if people let other people have
the last word, then discussions would actually stop!  Remember, other
net readers aren't nearly as clever as you, and if somebody posts
something wrong, the readers can't possibly realize that on their own
without your elucidations.  If somebody gets insulting in their net
postings, the best response is to get right down to their level and
fire a return salvo.  When I read one net person make an insulting
attack on another, I always immediately take it as gospel unless a
rebuttal is posted.  It never makes me think less of the insulter, so
it's your duty to respond.
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 12:54:19 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Pickup lines

Some actual lines used on me:

Old flame from graduate school was eyeing me as I studied for my upcoming
comprehensive exams for my M.A. in Russian linguistics. I was reading a
book on Russian dialectology and it was VERY dense reading. The reason I
knew he was checking me out was I was checking him out too. (Blond, tall and
green-eyed, just my type!) So finally I assumed he was going to say, "Gee,
is that RUSSIAN you're reading?" which is the "duh" pickup line, although I
suppose it could have been Ukrainian. Turns out he knew the difference. What
he said was, "You know, I've been watching you read for two hours now and I
couldn't figure out why you're not turning any pages!!" (I told you it was
rough going) We dated for 15 months. Very nice.

First husband, trying to get free academic advice when I worked as a student
advisor: "Are you an advisor?" Famous last words. It worked, though. That was
the first thing he said to me. I won't tell you what the last thing he said
to me was.

The only other line I can think of, and it annoys me because I can't think
of a snappy rejoinder which is polite but says "keep it your pants, jerk!"
between the lines....

"If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"

Of course, there's the direct approach. I yearn for the day some flasher
waves his johnson right under my nose and says, "Hey, baby, know what this
is?" My retort would be, with a raise of the bifocals, "Gee, it looks just
like a penis, only a LOT smaller!"

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
NB: Some of you caused me to go into hiding with your {good-natured} criti-
cism of my decision to include Greasemanisms on this list. This is my first
post since then, but I just want to say that several of his jokes have been
posted on this list, perhaps by people who mouthed off about how disgusting
he is on air. Humor, like politics, makes strange bedfellows. **BJW**
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 09:57:26 PDT
From: Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437<IRVINMJ@WSUVM1.CSC.WSU.EDU>
Subject:      Montana Cowboy Hygiene

Subject: Montana Cowboy Hygiene

Have you heard that Montana cowboys are now practicing safe sex?

Yep.  They're marking an "X" on the rear of sheep that kick.
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 12:56:11 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      We real cool <generationally offensive>

We Real Cool by Gwendolyn Brooks

The Pool Players
Seven at the Golden Shovel.

We real cool. We
Left school. We

Lurk late. We
Strike straight. We

Sing sin. We
Thin gin. We

Jazz June. We
Die soon.
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 13:07:23 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      How long since you had sex & the farmer's daughter <2 jokes>

Sex and the Airline Pilot

This airline pilot had been feeling sick.  He was continuously tense
and up-tight.  He went to a psychologist to find out what his problem
was.  The doctor asked him if he loved his mother.  He replied, "Yes, I
have a wonderful mother."  The doctor asked him if he loved his father.
Again, he replied, "Yes, I have a terrific father that I admire
greatly."  The doctor then asked him when was the last time he had sex.
The airline pilot replied, "1954."  The doctor exclaimed, "1954??!  No
wonder you are tense and uptight.  That's an awfully long time."  The
pilot said, "Good grief, doc...it hasn't been that long.  It's only
21:19 now."

The Farmer's Daughter

A correspondent banker in Texas ran out of gas while crossing the
desert.  After walking all day in the hot sun, he half walked and half
crawled up to this farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could have a
room for the night.  The farmer said, "Yes, but I want you to know that
I don't have any daughters."  The banker then asked, "How far to the
next farmhouse?"
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 10:16:44 PDT
From: Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437<IRVINMJ@WSUVM1.CSC.WSU.EDU>
Subject:      Dr. Death costume

Subject: Dr. Death

My Halloween costume this year is Dr. Kevorkian, alias "Dr. Death."

The button I made says "Trust me.  I'm a doctor!" along side of which
is a name badge that reads, "Hello.  I'm Dr. K.  Take two of these
(black pills) and DON'T call me in the morning.
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 13:25:29 -0400
From:         JOHN VOGEL <JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV>
Subject:      pickup lines -- part 2

When I got my first job out of Grad school, I'd already been married for 3
year
years.  Louise, who was single and worked in the next department, and I
found ourselves at several professional functions.  Louise had this habit
of wearing low (very low) cut blouses to these things and attracted a fair
amount of attention.  Sensing that I was 'safe' she'd stand very close to me
when the attention was getting on her nerves (suggesting that we were
together)
and occasionally related pickup lines and activity.
   On one occasion, she came over to me with a disgruntled look on her face,
saying, "I hate it when you turn down a guy and his wife comes over and
tries."
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 12:55:16 CDT
From:         Mike Tabat <mtabat@SUN004.CPDSC.COM>
Subject:      A three hour tour?

Back in college, I had one roomate who was somewhat chubby and another who was
thin as a rail.  For Halloween the fat one wore a blue shirt with white pants
and a captains sailor hat.  The skinny one wore a red shirt with white pants
and a sailor's cap pulled over his ears.  Yep, you're right, they were
Gilligan and the Skipper!  What was even more amusing is that everyone
immediately knew who they were supposed to be!

"... here on Gilligan's Ile'"
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 13:01:47 CDT
From:         Mike Tabat <mtabat@SUN004.CPDSC.COM>
Subject:      Re: Pickup Line

"Want to go back to my place and touch pink parts?"
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 14:15:06 -0500
From:         Andrea Deagon <DEAGONA@VXC.OCIS.UNCWIL.EDU>
Subject:      pick-up lines

Thisis not exactly a pick-up line, but . . .

After a very nice evening with my new French boyfriend, we had come back to
my house and were talking on the porch.  It was still early in the
relationship -- OK, the second date -- so I said, "Well, goodnight . . "

He said, "It could be better."

It was.
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 13:15:37 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      Pickup lines

----------------------------Original message----------------------------
Beth said...

The only other line I can think of, and it annoys me because I can't think
of a snappy rejoinder which is polite but says "keep it your pants, jerk!"
between the lines....

This reminds me of the true story of a demure young French woman who had just
arrived in England knowing only a dozen words in English.  Her friends taught
her the following phrase to use whenever some guy tried to pick her up:
"Buzz off, Bastard, you bore me."  She had no idea what see was saying, but
the phrase worked.
                       --Ed
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 15:13:38 EDT
From:         John Chick <JCHICK@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      sexual content - thing found in dark places

I certainly am not trying to make fun of anyones sexual prefference but...
you have to admit the following is pretty funny.

This list is from the book "Carnal Knowledge"

Things that doctors have had to remove from peoples rectums:

a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup
an ax handle
a 9-inch zucchini
a plastic spatula
a 9-inch water bottle
a Coke bottle
a 31/2-inch Japanese float ball
an 11-inch carrot
an antenna rod
a 150-watt light bulb
a screwdriver
four rubber balls
72 jeweler's saws (all from one patient, but not all at the same time,
although 29 were discovered on one occasion)
a paperweight
an apple
an onion
a toothbrush package
two bananas
a frozen pig's tail (it got stuck when it thawed)
a 10-inch lenght of broomstick
an 18-inch umbrella handle and central rod
a plantain encased in a condom
two Vaseline jars
a teacup
an oil can
a 6 x 5-inch tool box weighting 22 ounces
a baby powder can
a test tube
a ballpoint pen
a peanut butter jar
candles
baseballs
a sand-filled bicycle inner tube
sewing needles
a flashlight
a half-filled tobacco pouch
a turnip
a deceased gerbil

cheers.
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 16:06:00 EDT
From:         Rich.Carl <ADP3S@MSU.BITNET>
Subject:      National Condom Week <R rated for "Rude">

For our international subscribers: in the USA, Halloween is the holiday where
children dress up in costumes and go door-to-door challenging the occupants to
"Trick or Treat" them. The kids expect candy for their treats. A nice holiday.

I want to honor this custom by proclaiming this to be "National Condom Week."
Every dick out there ought to be in disguise on Halloween night. As good old
Sam Kinnison used to say, "Put a helmet on that soldier!"

Following, then, are some exortations promoting National Condom Week...

Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
Don't be silly, protect your willy.
When in doubt, shroud your sprout.
Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
If you think you're spunky, cover your monkey.
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
If you go into heat, package your meat.
While you're undressing venus, dress up that penis.
When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit your trouser mouse.
Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
The right selection:  protect your erection.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
A crank in armor will never harm her.
If you really love her, wear a cover.
Don't make a mistake:  muzzle your snake.
Sex is cleaner with a packaged weiner.
If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
No glove, no love.

And finally...

Wear a stealth condom and she'll never see you coming.

Any more wisecracks about condoms?
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 14:23:00 LCL
From:         T.A.Nguty@PHYSICS.SALFORD.AC.UK
Subject:      Re: Don't be too prodigal

Hi netters!
     Is there a moderated version of humor, ie;
despatched once daily? (Humor Digest)

     Keep the humor flowing.

Tenny.
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 16:47:09 -1812
From:         Doug Shaw <doug_shaw@NETMAIL.WASHCOLL.EDU>
Subject:      pickup lines

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 16:24:23 CST
From:         Weasel <JEFF@CODVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Sexist Q&A (gross)

Q. What tastes great on apple pie and pumpkin pie but  /\ /\
   not on hair pie?                                     . .
A. The crust.                                           /"\
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 17:34:24 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Helmets and anteaters, and fish (sexual situations)

>I want to honor this custom by proclaiming this to be "National Condom Week."
>Every dick out there ought to be in disguise on Halloween night. As good old

I'm glad you warned me, Rich, 'cause now I have to go out and get black
(always
in impeccable taste) or orange condoms for the weekend! (I would get glow-in
the-dark but then again it's never dark when we....)

>Sam Kinison used to say, "Put a helmet on that soldier!"

In America, of course, almost all of them (cool your jets, I said ALMOST)
are "helmets" anyway. In the book "The Choirboys" I learned a "helmet" is
a circumcised penis; the alternative is an "anteater."

>Any more wisecracks about condoms?

No but I just remembered a pickup line used by an old high school flame. We
were sophomores so I guess it fits. He used to say, "Come over to my place;
I got rubbers..."(when asked what color)"black...with red racing stripes."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the subject posted of "stuff medical personnel have found up people's
butts," I was looking for and did not see the story, which I think I heard
from a recent graduate from paramedic training. Her first assignment was an
ambulance run to a private residence where a young man, somewhat frail
and very distraught, greeted the team at the door. He took them into the
bedroom, where his sex partner, a rather large man, was lying face down on
the bed, perhaps only partly conscious, I don't remember, wrists tied to the
bedposts, with a fish protruding from his rectum. Seems the fish was
originally
frozen and all was well until it (the fish,not the partner) began to thaw.
The barbs on the fish's spine prevented easy removal.

Apologies for two posts in a day but something tells me that after weeks of
inactivity Gentle Listowner will let it slide. Maybe I can credit this one
to Saturday.
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 20:21:03 -0400
From: Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA <fowler@PALRES.DNET.SANDOZ.COM>
Subject:      Sex joke

Ok, this is a goood one, but some of you might not get it. In fact this
is the only joke I know that most people don't "get". But to the
inestimable recipients of this list, I'm sure it's a fair challenge....

A sailor was on shore leave in Paris after many months at sea, and had
promised himself that to celebrate his enforced celibacy (this is
C.Powell's navy, remember?) he would do something truly memorable. Thus
he found himself trailing from one brothel to another in search of
the ultimate blow-job. After a thorough survey of the madames, he was
sure he had found the acknowledged supreme player of the pink oboe.

Entering the lady's place of business, he explained his quest to the
proprietor. She directed him to a room at the far corner of the building,
with the following instructions: enter the room, undress, lie down on
the bed, and turn out the light. In a few minutes your rendezvous will
begin, but remember, no matter what happens, you must not turn on the
light until after your companion has left.

Undeterred, our hero follows the instructions and is shortly lying naked
in the dark on the bed, anticipating earthly bliss. He hears the door open
[make your own sound effects] and footsteps approach. After a few noises
indicating some preparation he receives truly the most magnificent
service he has ever imagined. Despite this almost out-of-body experience,
however, his curiosity summons him to reach over to the bed-side lamp.

And as the light comes on, he sees, on the bed side table under his
outstretched hand.... A glass eye.

As he is leaving, he tells the woman who has served him that he has really
enjoyed it, and he'd like to return sometime.
She smiles and says, "I'll keep an eye out for you..."
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Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 10:30:00 EST
From:         Wall, David K. <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject:      Personal ad (clean)

[I saw this on one of the Freenets over a year ago, and like it so much I
kept a copy.  -David]

Want to meet elderly married woman

Yes, that's right.  Age 50 to 75, and inseperable from her cherished
husband.  Someone who treasures intimacy, is energetic, open-minded,
spontaneous, bright, human.  Who feels no shame or inhibition around
sexuality, is creative and responsive.  Who gives her man tenderness,
stimulation, support, challenge, and expects the same from him (and, of
course, receives it).  Who is in excellent shape, who looks 10-20
years younger than her actual age.  Who is gentle in her forthrightness
and honesty.  A woman of profound character and rich sensuality.  And,
lastly, who has joyfully passed on her beliefs, values and qualities to
her children.

I want to meet her unmarried daughter.

I'm a professional white male, 37, and a perfect complement to the above.
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