Digest for Thursday, October 28, 1993

There are 17 messages totalling 488 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. believability, North Dakota, Bird, ghosts, fundementalist, Phsycic
  2. Heard on the radio
  3. Eagles
  4. One day in court (Refers to eating eagles, condors, baby seals)
  5. offensive to fowl, S & M
  6. Another bumper sticker
  7. Football Joke
  8. Elephants, ...and more : non-offensive
  9. Smuggling
  10. may be offensive to Jewish people
  11. COMMENT: Request & You know your getting old....
  12. Life 2.S A collection of clean humor gather on: 3 Mar 88
  13. Bumper Sticker - Offensive to Barney Fans and Dinosaurs
  14. Re: Eagles
  15. RACIST
  16. Want to sell ad
  17. Limerick


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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 00:10:09 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      believability, North Dakota, Bird, ghosts, fundementalist, Phsycic

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Source: Wall Street Journal, 10 July 1989, quoting a photo caption in
the New York Times, 11 May 1989:

Chevrolet is turning to Walt Disney to help promote its new Lumina.
Advertising will be filmed at Walt Disney World, where market tests
show that Mickey and Minnie will bring believability to the product.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
North Dakota: So far from Heaven, so close to Montana.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dish washer quit
working.  Typically, he couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours"
appointment, and since she had to go to work, "I'll leave the key under
the mat.  Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter and I'll
mail you a check.  By the way, I have a large Rottweiler inside; he
won't bother you.  I also have a large parrot, but whatever you do,
DON'T TALK TO THE BIRD!"
     Well, sure enough the dog totally ignored the repairman, but the
whole time he was there, the damned parrot cussed, yelled, screamed,
and about drove him nuts.  As he was ready to leave, he couldn't
resist,
"You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"  To which the bird replied,
"Killer, SIC'EM!!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[Los Angeles] Daily News, August 2:

At the side of a road near a highway department cabin in southen
Norway, a red and white traffic sign illustrated with a specter warns
drivers of an unusual hazard: ghosts crossing.  The cabin, formerly used
by highway watchmen, is reputed to be the site of many unexplained
incidents.  According to highway department spokesman Geir Hasle, "Some
of our people have experienced so many strange things at the cabin that
they swear there are ghosts in the area."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't know nor care what 'fundementalist' really means. All
I know is that all fundementalists are ignorant, close-minded
bigots, and nothing you say can change my mind."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>From: Randy Baker <RBAKER@GC1.GEORCOLL.ON.CA>
Phsycic: Do you have an appointment sir?
    Sir: You mean you weren't expecting me?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 09:16:27 GMT
From:         Paul Heraty - CAD <Paul.Heraty@ANALOG.COM>
Subject:      Heard on the radio

        heard this on one the radio this morning by some stand-up
English comedian...

        "I'll never talk to anybody about sports in bar again. Last
night I said to some guy,
        'I think Ireland have the best football team.'
He said, 'No way, mate, the English football team is much better.'
I said, 'YOUR NUTS!!' And then he punched me right in the face. Thats
the last time that I'll warn anybody that their balls are on fire...

Paul Heraty
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 08:37:41 CDT
From:         Kevan L. Moore <moore@TEKELEC.COM>
Subject:      Eagle's

This is funny to me.
(true story) A friend of a friend of a friend of mine was in a national park
& came upon a ranger.  He asked the ranger what the penalty for killing a
bald eagle was, since it was our national bird.  The ranger said it was a
ten thousand dollar fine to kill a bald eagle.  Then the ranger was asked,
"what if i were to take an unhatched bald eagle egg & break it on the
ground?"  The ranger replied that it would be a ten thousand dollar fine to
destroy a bald eagle egg. they treat an unborn eagle like an eagle. by law.

i don't think the bald eagle is an endangered species.

note: lawmakers decided that destroying a developing EGG (not yet hatched,
but will soon) is exactly the same fine destroying a hatched eagle.

funny how there is not a $10,000 penalty for destroying a developing HUMAN
(not yet born, but will be soon), but destroying a born human is murder.
that to me is a joke, and i hope it qualified as humor, hence posting on
this list.

then again, humans aren't our national bird.

klm
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 09:50:50 -0400
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      One day in court  (Refers to eating eagles, condors, baby seals)

        Scene:  An appellate court in California.  The defendant is brought
 before the Judge and accused of killing and eating a Condor.
    The Judge says, "I'm horrified at this awful crime -- killing and eating
 an endangered species.  If this is found to be true, I'm going to have to
 be very harsh in judging and sentencing you.  Do you have any defense?"
    The man replies, "I understand your feelings, Your Honor, but I had
 no job and no money.  My family was starving.  When I saw the look of
 hunger in my children's eyes I couldn't help myself.  I shot the condor
 and we ate it."
    The judge was moved by the man's plea, and asked, "How are things now?"
    "Much better, I have a job now and we are starting to make ends meet.
 But if I go to jail my children will be alone and starving again."
    The judge thought for a while, then passed sentence:  "Given the
 circumstances, I dismiss the charges.  This is still a terrible crime, so
 I don't ever want to hear about you doing anything like this again."
 He then leaned over.  "But I'm curious - how does a condor taste?"
    The man thought for a bit, then replied:  "Well, it's a little hard
 to describe.  I guess it's somewhere between Bald Eagle and Baby Seal."

                                        - Comic thanks to Jim Bologna

         Ted Kennette             Internet: tkennett@Bentley.Edu
         Systems Manager            Bitnet: tkennett@Bentley.Bitnet
         Bentley College

  "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock"
            "In the immortal words of socrates: I drank what?"
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 12:22:35 EDT
From:         Ginger A. Beck <sacgab@ADMIN.AC.EDU>
Subject:      offensive to fowl, S & M

** What goes "peck ... peck ... peck, BOOM!"?
        **A chicken in a minefield!

************************** True conversation *******************************

Mark:    Hey y'all, look at my new keychain! (lifting a set of handcuffs)
Jeremy:  Let me borrow those!  I have some leather sheets that would go
         great with them.
Gina:    Oh NO!  Don't you dare use leather sheets!  Use satin ones!
Jeremy:  But why?  You will slip off the waterbed!
Gina:    Silly, that's what the handcuffs are for.
*(Maybe you just had to be there)
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 12:17:48 EST
From:         Tom Rusk Vickery <VICKERY@SUED.SYR.EDU>
Subject:      Another bumper sticker

A number of years ago in California I saw a bumper sticker that said

    Jesus is coming again, and, boy, is he pissed!
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 10:26:08 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Football Joke

"The Cincinnati Bengals are changing their name to the
 Robert Packwoods, because they have a lousy line, make
 embarrassing passes and might go years without
 scoring."
             - Humor columnist Doug Robarchek
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 11:52:23 -0600
From:         NAME <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Elephants, ...and more : non-offensive

Price, Stern, Sloan caveat intro to "Elephants, Grapes & Pickles" :
"People who, on being told any of the jokes in this book, make remarks such
as: "What's funny about that?" or "Are you crazy or something?" are below
average in everything and never get invited anywhere. Think that over."
So - o - o--
What did Tarzan buy at the supermarket that was handy, economical and
weighed 24,000 lbs?
     An elephant six-pack.

What is grey, has four legs, big ears and a trunk?
     A mouse going on a vacation.

What's green and noisy and very dangerous?
     A thundering herd of pickles.

What did the psychiatrist say to the elephant?
     That'll be thirty dollars for the visit.... and three hundred
for the couch.

How do you tell an elephant from a banana?
     Try lifting it.  If you can't get it off the floor, it's probably
an elephant.  ...But it might be a heavy banana.

What is purple and lights up?
     An electric grape.

What is purple and has bucket seats?
     A foreign sports plum.

How did Tarzan hurt his foot?
        Trying to make wine from electric grapes.
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 13:14:17 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Smuggling <Mulla>

SMUGGLING, BUT WHAT?

     Nasrudin used to take his donkey across a frontier every day,
with the panniers loaded with straw.  Since he admitted to being a
smuggler when he trudged home every night, the frontier guards
searched him again and again.  They searched his person, sifted the
straw, steeped it in water, even burned it from time to time.
Meanwhile he was becoming visibly more and more prosperous.

     Then he retired and went to live in another country.  Here on
of the customs officers met him, years later.

     "You can tell me now, Nasrudin," he said.  "Whatever was it
that you were smuggling, when we could never catch you?"

     "Donkeys," said Nasrudin.
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 13:17:42 EDT
From:         RiffRaff <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      may be offensive to Jewish people

here's a little sketch I came up with last night.... I warn you, it's really
only the concept that's funny... and you have to do Satan in a very thick
jewish accent or it won't work _at all_...

"Satan Is a Little Old Jewish Guy"
(scene: a small shop... the door opens, a small bell rings... a Man walks in.)

Satan: Ah, hello sir... what can I do for you?
Man: um, I'd like to sell my soul...
Satan: well, you've come to the right place... what were you thinking of
    in return?
Man: I'd like to be the richest man in the world
Satan: Richest man in the world, hah? how many times have I heard that one?
    Well, lets see... your soul, what year is it?
Man: 1968... hardly used
Satan: hmm... okay, for your soul I make you fifth richest man in the world.
Man: Only fifth? I dunno... I'd really rather not go for less than third...
Satan: Oy veh! third richest man in the world for a 1968? the wife'd call
    me a schmuck... but, ahh... do you smoke?
Man: No.
Satan: Drink?
Man: No.
Satan: Fool around?
Man: No.
Satan: ah-ah ahh...
Man: Well, just the once
Satan: Did you enjoy it?
Man: Not particulary.
Satan: Hmm. You drive a hard bargain... All right, I give you third richest...
    but you gotta start being cruel to small children.
Man: How about just small animals?
Satan: Do you play a musical instrument?
Man: I used to play violin in a small local orchestra...
Satan: okay, small animals... sign here...

--Riff
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 13:36:44 -0400
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      COMMENT: Request & You know your getting old....

Subj:   Once again, for anyone that provides a service......

 Some users require a bit of hand holding. Others deserve to have them
cut off and stuffed up their... well.....

Once upon a time I was doing a support call, and:
"... Ok, now type cd space..."
    sounds heard from the user: "click click, clickclickclickclickclick"
"... um, excuse me sir, what did you just type?"
    "cd space."
"... nononononono, space BAR, space BAR!"
     "ahhh. clickclickclick."
"... nononononNONO!, the space bar! that big horizontal thing at the bottom
middle of the keyboard! Hit delete."
     "ahh. Why? How will delete help?"
"It'll abort what you just typed. Just hit it."
     "Click. OK."
"... Great, now type ... cd ... SPACEBAR..."
     Lots of clicking noises, I decided to ignore for the nonce....
"... slash"
     "Slash?"
"... yes, it's the key below the question mark."
     "Ah.... "
"... and hit return."
     :silence: "click click click click click click"
"Noooo! Noooo! the return key! the return *key*!"
     "I don't have a return key."
"Alright, ENTER, then."
     "Enter what?"
:under my breath: "the gates of hell." "The ENTER key, hit it please."
     "Ah. Hokay, it says file not found."
"What?!!! - listen, what do you do there at XYZ Inc?"
     "I am system administrator for whole network."
"Do you have a secretary or someone there I could talk to?
You see, we've got another couple hundred letters to type and I don't
have that kind of credit with Ma bell..."

I sent him a copy of typing tutor that day. FedEx. I then called in
sick for the rest of the week, hoping to avoid further blood pressure
problems.

Friday he called in, asks for me specifically. Seems he needed help
on getting typing tutor installed!!!
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 10:51:50 PDT
From:         HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.S       A collection of clean humor gather on: 3 Mar 88

Cromwell and Rasputin by (as submitted to) Dr. Richard King

     The following essay was an actual submission by a student, who  was
given
the assignment: ``Write a term paper comparing and contrasting two
revolutionary
figures of  your choice.   The  figures  are  to  be  selected from different
periods of European history.''

     Unlike most papers of student bloopers, which are  collaborative efforts,
this one is the work of the exceptionally fruitful pen of a single student.
Read it and enjoy!

     The English and the Russian revolutions had a leader that stood out to
have an effect on the revolution.  For the Russian it was Rasputin.  He was
born in the  reign  of  the Tsar-Emperor  Alexander the Second, absolute
ruler of over a hundred million people consisting of fifty some nationalities
and speaking nearly two-hundred-different languages or dialects.  This empire
stretched from the Prussian border to beyond  the  Pacific  Ocean.   Rasputin
was an Autocrat who ruled by himself.  He was free to appoint and dismiss
ministers  as he pleased.  Then theirs Oliver Cromwell, a man who stood for
the commission of the unthinkable act, the  execution  of  the  king, should
have pushed the Commonwealth and its leaders into further international
isolation.  These were some of the issues that Oliver Cromwell drived for in
the English Revolution.  Cromwell was dominant political figure from 1649 to
1658.  He had lead the attack on the king and had many followers and support.
These twoffigures, Rasputin and Oliver Cromwell, ha had great emphasis on the
outcome of their revolutions (Russian  and  English).  Lets look at some
similarities and differences on how they ruled their reign of power.

     Cromwell was a careful figure who ruled intil his death in  1658.   He
lead an organization of parliament forces of centralized army called the new
model army.  Cromwell was an independent so he was frightened  of parliament
changing religion.  Cromwell had faith in his reign, he believed that
Parliament
couldn't win the civil war if they didn't try someting different.

     Rasputin was also a careful and powerful leader.  When Nicholas went to
the front to take personal command of the army, his wife Alexandra took over
government affairs and relied on Rasputin almost completely.  So Rasputin also
controlled an army and became a successful leader.  Although he was killed by
the people, it was because of the sake of the people in Russia.  They felt
that he was discrediting Nicholas  II.   Rasputin  was such a key role in
ruling the army, Alexandra went into shock because of the death of Rasputin.

     Oliver Cromwell was born in 1599.  He immediately took interest in
public affairs.  After he had become an undergraduate at Cambridge, his
father  fied  which  brought  him back  home  to  take  care of his mother
and the family.  He also took over his fathers business which was the
management of  land.   Later he had experienced a change of religion to
the Puritan side.  He was respected so much  by  his  neighbours  from  his
management of land, that they choose him to represent Huntington in the
Parliament  which  described itself  by  the  Petition  of Right.  Cromwell,
however, was known to have interest in religion before politics.  He  had
never  really  been able to hankle constitutional questions, and was opposite
as a whole to them.

     Rasputin, however, was also a very religious  man.  He went to early
mass at six o'clock in the morning at Afonskoe Podvorie.  He was so admirred,
that on the way back from mass there would be a crowd of followers behind
him, who accompanied him into the dining room for  breakfast.  Among these
guests were petitioners who arrived around eight o'clock.  Rasputin was
always called upon by Tsarskoe Selo at ten o'clock, even thought he was
usually sleeping by this time.  A secret came out that Rasputin was prepared
to carry out  various  transactions,  arrange  reals of military services,
get sentences of imprisonment released, or dispose of the  granting of
concessions.  While known that Rasputin was open for bribes, also took into
consideration the help of petitioners who came to him with nothing.

     These two leaders, and  their  different  personalities
make  them  both uneque.  These two leaders had great effect
on the outcome of  their  revolutions.   Even  though  their
techneques  were  not exactly alike they had similarities in
their personal behavior and their beliefs.  These  two  fig-
ures  reigned  at  two different times and are also two dif-
ferent people in most respects.
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 12:58:49 PDT
From:         Hazem N. Nashif <nashif@PMB.COM>
Subject:      Bumper Sticker - Offensive to Barney Fans and Dinosaurs

I hate you, you hate me,
Let's hang that dino from the tree!

(dino written in purple)!
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 17:18:00 EST
From:         Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858 <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Eagle's

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Shirl
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 16:52:34 PDT
From:         PG#1179 <DJMCGRATH@FAB10.INTEL.COM>
Subject:      RACIST

 A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile on a lead.
 He strolls up to the bar,sits on a stool and says "Barman..a pint of Guinness
 for myself and a nigger for the crocodile".The Barman says no problem.
 and gives the guy a pint and throws a nigger to the crocodile.The guy
finishes
 his pint and turns to the Barman and again asks him for a pint of Guinness
 and a nigger for the crocodile.The Barman gives him a pint and throws a
 nigger to the crocodile.
 this goes on all night untill closing time and the guy asks the barman for
the
 same again.the Barman says "i sorry sir but we are all out of niggers will a
 pygmy be ok"the guy replies "jesus no..if you give him shorts now i will
never
 get him home"!
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 23:25:04 EST
From:         Dani Mudge <DANI@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Want to sell ad

For Sale: By Owner, Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,
Excellent Condition! No Longer Needed! Children Know Everything !
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Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 20:49:59 -0400
From:         Tansin A. Darcos & Company <0005066432@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject:      Limerick

Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
        They usually have virgins,
        And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
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