Digest for Wednesday, October 27, 1993

There are 21 messages totalling 648 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Dumb robber / clever prank
  2. Clean Golf yoke
  3. Re: Explanation (?!??) and another elephant coming objoke
  4. Goolkeeper & Women !!
  5. Bomb joke. "Last words", etc, may be offensive
  6. A-bomb limerick?
  7. Bomb joke..
  8. The golfer and the frog!
  9. Top Ten List for 10/25/93 (fwd)
  10. Political Ideologies (been around for a while)
  11. Offensive to Clinton Supporters & Blondes
  12. Top Ten List for 10/21/93 (fwd)
  13. variations on themes inspired by previous posts
  14. Students History of the World
  15. Comforting thought
  16. Clean, clean, clean!
  17. Bumper Stickers (May offend some people)
  18. Flame form
  19. nother cartoon
  20. some limericks
  21. Clinton


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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 08:52:02 GMT+10
From:         Ken Price <KEN__PRI@ASGARD.CLARE.TASED.EDU.AU>
Subject:      Dumb robber / clever prank

A true urban legend:

    A husband of a friend (yes, I know it sounds like one of THOSE sort of
stories) went to a local bank to make a withdrawal.  Its one of those banks
where you take a form, fill it in and stand in line.  While waiting in line,
he casually flipped the withdrawal form over and noticed that someone had
written on the back of it  "I HAVE A GUN : GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY".  Not
wanting to lose his place in the queue, he waited till he got to the teller
and said "Look, some idiot has written on the back of this form".  The
teller, not listening, saw the writing and hit the panic button. Alarms
rang, cops appeared, the guy was cuffed and taken to a back room  and
interviewed for a few hours.  At 10'o'clock at night, his wife finally found
out where he was (he went to the bank at mid-day) and he was released only
after several well-respected friends testified as to his character.  But
before he left the cops checked the pile of withdrawal slips in the bank
and found that about half of them had similar messages on the back.
Evidently some prankster had done so for a joke.
    So, the next time you go to the bank, check the back of the forms
first.....(or else write on them , put them back in teh pile and wait for the
fun to start...)
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 12:53:22 EST
From:         Alan Cohen <s444401@OTTO.BF.RMIT.OZ.AU>
Subject:      Clean Golf yoke

After being immensly entertained for the past few week, this is my first
posting. It came from a 3rd grade kid.

Why when you go to play golf do you need two pairs of pants?

A: Because you may get a hole-in-one.exit
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 01:03:24 -0400
From:         Victoria L Hill <vhill@UOGUELPH.CA>
Subject:      Re: Explanation (?!??) and another elephant coming objoke

an elephant is atype of beer, that i get at home in bermuda, it has
16%alcohol for all you weak canadian drinkers
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 11:18:26 SAT
From:         Tariq Mohammed Al-Yahya <STU1A41@SAUPM00.BITNET>
Subject:      Goolkeeper & Women !!

What's the difference between a Woman and a goolkeeper ?

Answer : It's very simple ...
         The goolkeeper block one ball but woman can block two ball *Wink* :)
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 09:33:04 GMT
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Bomb joke. "Last words", etc, may be offensive

Scene: Saturday morning, Belfast
Place: Fish shop
Bomber's last words: "You know, Liam, I can never figure out whether
        the clock is supposed to go forward or back. I ...*****!"

Derryck.

p.s. Last weekend, we changed from BST to normal time...
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 13:16:12 MET
From:         Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject:      A-bomb limerick?

The recent mathematical limericks reminded me that R. Jungk (?) in his book
"Brighter than 1000 suns" on the development of the first A-bomb writes
that in the initial stages there was very open atmosphere among the team.
One of the scientists presented his results in the form of a limerick that
scanned and rhymed correctly, had an unexpected punchline,  and did not break
the tradition of being dirty.
Does anybody happen to know the limerick?

Obligatory joke (a riddle):

It is red, sized 5 by 8 by 35 meters, and it lays on the meadow. What is it?

(A box manufactured especially for this joke.)
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 13:14:49 GMT
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Bomb joke..

O.K. people,

        I guess the bomb joke was a bit too explosive, bad taste by
all measures, since most of the victims are being buried today.
        I guess I should have been more sensitive, as I was born and
grew up in Belfast (and regularly visit there).

Also thanks to Ciaran (Eire) Monica (US) for their comments..

Now for the OH with taste:

Q: Why does the sea roar?
A: Wouldn't you if you had so many crabs on your bottom?

Q: How do you get a (dumb-person)s ears to light up?
A: Shine a torch through their ears

(U.S. Joke, Monica may enjoy..)

Dan QUayle's first day as VP. Colin Powell and the rest of the warry
bastards have come round for some extra rare newborn lamb roast, and
Dan aint sittin near the window...
Finally Storming Norman picks up the courage to ask him why...

Dan: "I always try to avoid the draft"

Derryck.

(Sorry its 2 posts today)
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 09:38:21 -0400
From: Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject:      The golfer and the frog!

A sunday golfer was playing the game.  As he prepared to hit to the
10th green he took out his 8-iron.  He set himself and got ready to
swing.  Just before he started his swing a voice said, "Take the 7."
He looked around, saw nobody, and set himself to swing.  Just as he was
beginning his backswing the voice said again, "Use the 7".  This time
he looked more carefully and saw a little, green frog sitting on the
ground.  And the frog said, "Use the 7."
        The golfer put the 8-iron back in his bag, took the 7, swung, and the
ball took off like an arrow and came to rest 4 inches from the cup.
        For the rest of the afternoon the frog hopped along with the golfer,
clubbing him.  At the end of the nine holes the golfer had a score of 38
strokes.  He'd never played the nine in less than 51 before.  As the golfer
started to leave, the frog said to him, "Let's go to Atlantic City."
        The golfer replied, "Look I'm greatful for your help.  But you
must be nuts.  I have a wife, children, a home.  Dinner is all ready.
Everyone is waiting for me.  I can't go to Atlantic City."
        The frog said, "Look.  Take me to Atlantic City.  You won't be sorry."
        So off they went to Atlantic City.  They took a plane to Phila-
delphia, then took a cab to Atlantic City.  They went right to Trump Tower and
the player sat down at the a Blackjack table, with the frog in his pocket.
        The first hand the player was dealt a 17.  The frog said, "Hit it."
        The player said, "Are you crazy.  You stand on 17."  The frog said
"Hit
it."  The player signalled the dealer to give him another card and got a 4.
        All night long it went that way.  By 3:00 a.m. the player was ahead
$367,000.00.  And he was exhausted.  He cashed and the hotel put him
up in the suite reserved for extraordinary large gamblers - comp'd, of course.
        When the player and the frog got up to the room the player said to the
frog, "I'm going to draw you a warm bath and you can sleep in the tub full
of water."
        The frog said, "I don't want to sleep in the tub.  I want to sleep in
the bed with you."
        The player replied, "Are you nuts.  I can't sleep with a frog."
        The frog said, "Look.  I've done good for you.  You owe me...."
        The player thought for a minute and decided, what the hell, it's
only one night.  So he put the frog into the bed and climbed in himself.
        He was just about to go to sleep when the frog said, "Kiss me."
        The player said, "Look.  I went to Atlantic City.  True I got
very lucky and made a mint of money.  Then I let you sleep in the
bed with me.  But I'm not kissing any frogs."
        The frog said, "It wasn't luck.  Kiss me!"
        So the player said to himself, what the hell, and leaned over and
kissed the frog.
        All of a sudden there was a tremendous thrashing about in the bed & in
about 10 seconds, instead of the frog, lying there beside him was the most
gorgeous, sexy, stark naked, 14 year old girl.
        (Pause)
        And I swear to you, Judge, that's just the way it happened,
        that's the truth, the whole truth, so help me God.
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 09:36:26 -0400
From:         Amy L. Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 10/25/93 (fwd)

===========================================================
Top Ten Reasons Canada Keeps Beating Us in the World Series
===========================================================

10. French baseball chatter very disorienting
 9. U.S. players get sleepy after standing through two national anthems
 8. Special enzyme in Canadian bacon that turns players into game-winning
    zombies
 7. American teams discouraged by Clinton's new RBI tax
 6. All our secret plays are being funneled to them by that weasel Paul
Shaffer
 5. Exchange rate makes Canadian runs worth more
 4. Stirring pre-game talks, which always end with "Win one for Lorne Green"
 3. They don't bother to use actual Canadians
 2. Let's face it -- we're a bunch of "hosers"
 1. Those damn Mountie umpires
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 09:45:04 -0400
From:         Alan Rosenberg <apr@JGVANDYKE.COM>
Subject:      Political Ideologies (been around for a while)

What is (was?) the difference between communism and capitalism?

Under communism, it's dog-eat-dog. Under capitalism, it's just the reverse.

There are those who believe that here in the United States we have
capitalism for the poor and socialism for the rich.

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Four - one to change the bulb, three to complain that the old
bulb was better.
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 08:00:59 EST
From:         Paul J Boenitz 230-4083 6509 <iepb1@AGT.GMEDS.COM>
Subject:      Offensive to Clinton Supporters & Blondes

President Clinton is on his traditional early morning jog with his secret
 service agents.
After a couple miles he says "Man I can't wait to get back the White House and
 rip Hillaries panties off."
An agent asks "Running turns you on Mr President?"
"No" He replies, "They're crawling up my ass something fierce."

Q: How do you make a blond laugh on sunday?
A: Tell her a joke on thursday.
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 11:19:42 -0400
From:         Amy L. Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 10/21/93 (fwd)

---> October 21, 1993 <---
=========================================================
Top Ten Signs the Guy Mugging You Has Never Mugged Before
=========================================================

10. After taking money, asks if you want receipt
 9. In addition to wearing a ski mask, he's got skis and poles
 8. Asks you to hold his gun while he puts on some chapstick
 7. When he's done, he says "That was fun!  Now you mug me!"
 6. You're a policeman in full uniform, standing right in front of the station
    house, surrounded by fellow officers carrying assault rifles
 5. When you yell "Stop thief", he does
 4. During police line-up, he waves to you and shouts "Remember me?"
 3. Tells you he wouldn't be doing this if "Love Boat" hadn't been cancelled
    (A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience.  The
    laughing man is Gavin MacLeod, Captain Stubing of the Love Boat, making
    his fourth appearance in a row)
 2. He keeps saying, "You understand I'm doing this for the baby and Marla"
 1. Accepts IOU's

---> October 22, 1993 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Signs Hillary is the Smartest Clinton
=============================================

10. Buys jumbo sack of Slim-Jims at supermarket -- instead of paying jacked-up
    prices at the 7-Eleven
 9. Unlike Bill, never gets head caught in the sink
 8. Avoids them "Runway Haircuts"
 7. Never orders more fries than she can eat
 6. Let's Bill call himself "The President" when they're out in public
 5. Technically just a hillbilly by marriage
 4. Chelsea has yet to say "Daddy, could you help me with my homework?"
 3. Took her three hours to explain to Bill how it's possible that Murray from
    "Mary Tyler Moore" looks just like Captain Stubing from "The Love Boat"
    (A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience.  The
    laughing man is Gavin MacLeod, Captain Stubing of the Love Boat, making
    his fifth appearance in a row.  Dave announces it's his fifth appearance,
    and a model walks down to Gavin and hands him a bouquet of flowers.)
 2. Owns a piece of Oprah
 1. Her giant, thirty-pound brain
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 15:05:40 GMT
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      variations on themes inspired by previous posts

Q. What is the Queen of England's favourite record?
A. "Magic Moments" on Phillips 12 inch.

(CD's will render this joke obsolete... perhaps it's a kindness :-) )

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Not a joke, but a deathless line from "Jailhouse Rock", a re-run
of which I've just seen: "It ain't tactics, it's the beast in me"

(after Elvis has just demonstrated his aggressive courting style).
Do you think this would work at parties?
If only Elvis had lived to see the days of political correctness...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by his fellow man;
With communism, it's exactly the other way round.
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 13:32:04 -0400
From:         M. Gantt <Michael.L.Gantt.1@ND.EDU>
Subject:      Students' History of the World

[I'm new to the list, so I hope this isn't repeat material.]

A STUDENTS' HISTORY OF THE WORLD as collected by Richard Lederer

(One of the fringe benefits of being an English or history professor is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay or
report. Here is the history of the world, pasted together from genuine
student bloopers, collected by teachers throughout the US.)

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in
hydraulics.  They lived in the Sarah Dessert.  The climate of the Sarah
is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of
the Bible,"Guinessis," Adam and Eve were created from an apple.  A snake was
present at the time.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.  He fought with
the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.  Solomon,
one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history.  They invented three kinds of columns--corinthian,
ironic and dorc. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice.  They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
Then came the Middle Ages when King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived then with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful
women and Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw and victims of the
blue-bonnet plague grew boobs on their necks.  Finally, Magna Carta
provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times peorle were anliterate.  The greatest writer was
Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and literature.  During this
time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins and other
mythical creatures. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals
felt the value of their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the
church door for selling papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death,
being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented
the Bible.  Another important invention was the circulation of the blood.
And Sir Francis Drake circumcised thg world with a 100-foot clipper.
Shakespeare was the greatest writer.  In one of his plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
Then came the Enlightenment.  Voltaire invenved electricity and also
wrote a book called Candy.  Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton.  It is
chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many mwsical compositions and had a large
number of children.  In between, he practiced on an old spinster which
Bach kept in the attic.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he
wrote loud music.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth centure was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and began reproducing by
machine.  The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers.
Then came the First World War, which ushered in a new error in the
anals of human history.
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 13:35:27 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Comforting thought <poem, satire>

archy's comforting thoughts by Don Marquis

a fish who had
swallowed an angle worm
found all too late
that a hook was nesting
in its midst ah me
said the poor fish
i am the most luckless
creature in the world
had you not pointed
that out said the worm
i might have supposed
myself a trifle
unfortunate
cheer up you two said
the fisherman jovially
the first two minutes
of that hook are always
the worst you must
cultivate a philosophic
state of mind
boss there is always
a comforting thought
in time of trouble when
it is not our trouble
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 13:45:10 -0400
From:         Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Clean, clean, clean!

In a recent "Frank and Ernest" (for those unfamiliar with these two
characters, it's a comic strip printed in many US newspapers).

Why do many people who are under stress gain weight?
Because "stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts"!
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 13:51:54 -0400
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      Bumper Stickers (May offend some people)

Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.  Dorothy.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Beautify Texas.  Put a Yankee on a bus.
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.
    Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
I is a college student.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Eschew obfuscation.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't steal.  The government hates competition.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
Cover me.  I'm changing lanes.
The weather is here.  Wish you were beautiful.
I Cayman went.
My other wife is beautiful.
I need someone really bad.  Are you really bad?
Smile.  It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Don't laugh.  Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Geez if you belive in honkus.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
Wink.  I'll do the rest.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and
    not fall off the earth.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
Who cares who's on board?
No radio.  Already stolen.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Want a taste of religion?  Bite a minister.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22\% more cavities.
Exxon Suxx.
Honk if you love cheeses.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
So many pedestrians, so little time.

Ted Kennette  tkennett@Bentley.Edu

  "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock"
            "In the immortal words of socrates: I drank what?"
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 14:04:03 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Flame form <naughty words>

I have seen this flame form in several place, but I don't think it has
ever been on this list. I hope we will not have any more flaming like
we had last week. This list should be humorous, so let's keep it funny
or at least sick. Sara

____________________________________________________________________________

                                THIS IS A FLAME
____________________________________________________________________________
 _

 Dear

[x] asshole     [ ] fag         [x] ignorant snot       [ ] prick
[ ] nerd        [ ] Elvis       [x] lonely masturbator  [ ] computer geek
[x] retard      [ ] sycophant   [ ] Samuel Stoddard

 You are being flamed because

        [ ] you continued a boring useless stupid thread
        [ ] you repeatedly posted to the same thread that you just posted to
        [ ] you posted a "test"
        [ ] you used vi and left a whole bunch of editing garbage on the
                screen
        [ ] you posted a request for an article which was posted three times
                in the past week
        [ ] you claimed to have the original GGBJ
        [ ] you posted some sort of religious crap that doesn't belong in this
                group
        [x] you posted an article that was not funny, unoriginal and very
                boring
        [x] your mother dresses you funny

 To recant, you must

        [x] actually post a humorous article
        [ ] give up all your worldly possessions and become a Tibetan monk
        [ ] hang yourself by the big toe for 72 hours
        [x] abstain from sex for a month (shouldn't be too hard for you)
        [ ] shave your head, paint a target on it, and go to Iraq
        [ ] give your MP (Congressman in U.S.A., I guess) a donation of three
                hemp plants to decorate his office
        [ ] become politically correct and demand that manholes be renamed to
                peroffspringopenings
        [ ] cut your balls (or breasts, if you're a woman) off
        [ ] _________________________________________________

 Thank you for the time you have taken to read this, and please detest from
the offending behaviour that led to this flame.  Also, FUCK OFF!

_____________________________________________________________________________

                                END FLAME
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 14:33:52 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET>
Subject:      'nother cartoon

As a STTNG nut, I enjoyed today's "Ziggy."
Ziggy, as some of you may know, is a short, chubby, bald
something-or-other of indeterminate age, not much of any gender, and
posessing absolutely no assertiveness whatever.

A cheerful saleswoman, suggesting Halloween costumes, waving a Star
Trek uniform at Ziggy:

"You'd make a CUTE Captain Picard!"

Theresa
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 15:44:39 -1812
From:         Doug Shaw <doug_shaw@NETMAIL.WASHCOLL.EDU>
Subject:      some limericks

                       Subject:                               Time:3:40 PM
  OFFICE MEMO          some limericks                         Date:10/27/93
OKay, I just made these up a few nights ago, and I know that they pretty much
bite the big one, but you get to read them anyway :)

There once was a man from Pawtucket
Who, with women, said "Fuck it!"
But with an evil, insane cackle,
He dipped his parts into spackle
Slapped it to the wall and stuck it.

There once was a man named Nick
Who had an 18 inch long dick
He awoke from a nap
to find on his lap
A sign saying "I removed it... you're sick!"

There once was a hooker named Jo
Who gave a might fine blow
You could fuck her behind
for just $9.99
And she left a trail wherever she'd go.

There now, that wasn 't SOOO bad, was it?  It was?  Sorry.
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Date:         Wed, 27 Oct 1993 23:00:16 EDT
From:         David Pace <DWPACE00@UKCC.UKY.EDU>
Subject:      Clinton

Hope these haven't been posted already...

Two men talking:
M1:  You know that they aren't gonna celebrate Halloween or
     Thanksgiving in Arkansas this year, don't you?
M2:  No.  Why not?
M1:  Well, the witch left and she took the turkey with her!

Seen on a bumper sticker:
    Clinton . . .
  A good reason why stupid people
  shouldn't be allowed to vote!
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