Digest for Tuesday, October 26, 1993

There are 22 messages totalling 608 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Dumb robbers
  2. Various and sundry, some offensive to Jewish American Princesses
  3. offensive to women, esp. feminists
  4. Drive ins
  5. Paedophiles, flashers, language, body parts, Women with PMT, elephant, Royalty
  6. clean (sorry!) inoffensive math limerick
  7. Re: clean (sorry!) inoffensive math limerick (another one)
  8. Re: Offensive Jokes
  9. clean (sorry!) inoffensive math limerick
  10. halloween (mildly offensive language)
  11. Sex Joke
  12. Dumb Jokes (G)
  13. Funeral parlor?
  14. religous - humorous
  15. Drive ins
  16. Religous - humorous
  17. Life 2.R A collection of clean humor gather on: 18 Feb 88
  18. Funeral parlor?
  19. A play called Who Is Milo Miles?
  20. Re: Paedophiles, flashers, language, body parts, Women with PMT, elephant, Royalty (fwd)
  21. Teaching Metric (G)
  22. Christianity joke... may be offensive to some.


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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 08:29:24 MET
From:         Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject:      Dumb robbers

Henry Cate's stories about stupid robbers reminded me of a true story that
happened in Prague about 15 years ago. A gang "visited" an office during the
night to pick up the safe but they could not open it. To revenge, they took
all keys they found in the office and went to throw them in the river. They
were arrested just after they got rid of the last one, only some key tags
remained in their pockets. One of them read: "Keys from the safe".
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 08:06:00 -0400
From: Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642 <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      Various and sundry, some offensive to Jewish American Princesses

This jewish grandmother and her grandson were walking on the beach one day
when
this large wave crashed on both and dragged them out to sea. A few moments
later a similar wave deposited the grandmother where she had been, but, her
grandson was not to be found. She looke around for him and then dropped to her
knees and began praying, "Dear God, please bring back my grandson. Oh, please,
dear God..." Suddenly another wave crashed in and deposited the soaked
grandson
on the spot from which he had been taken. The grandmother grabbed him, hugged
him, and thanked God for his safe return. Then, she took a moment to look him
over and, with a frown, looked up at the sky and said, "He had a hat."

What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess (JAP) and a
computer?
A computer that won't go down.

This JAP (you know, Jewish American Princess) and her lover were doing the
dirty deed one day. He was on top, of course. Suddenly, she let out a
gigantic,
"Ohhhhhhhh". Encouraged by this, he began quickening his pace. A few moments
later she let out a gigantic "Uhhhhhhh". Encouraged even more, he increased to
warp speed. Suddenly, she lets out, "AWWWWWWWWW, I'll paint the ceiling blue."

What's this year's favorite JAP wine? "I wanna go to Miami!!" (Of course wine
should be spelled whine).

This guy was walking on the beach one day when he came across a naked woman.
He
walked over to her and noticed that she had a really nice body but seemed to
be
asleep. He took off his cloths and mounted her and got no reaction. In the
middle of the deed, another guy walks up and said, "Hey buddy, she's dead."
The
first guy then replied, "Gee, I just thought she was a JAP."

Disclaimer: Sorry for the JAP jokes, I know I've offended many but I hope you
            can laugh at them like the Rabbi that told them to me.
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 09:46:00 -0400
From:         T.C. Borne <Front.Desk@UC.EDU>
Subject:      offensive to women, esp. feminists

(James Caan told this in an interview i just read with him)

Q:  How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to suck my dick.
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 10:28:55 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU>
Subject:      Drive ins

On a new subject, what sort of drive ins are there..?

We came up with...

        Drivr in movies (classic)
        Drive in fastfood (MacDon, etc)
        Drive in Banks
        Drive in Weddings,

*Believe it or not, there's a drive in funeral parlor in Detroit. Talk
about leaving you cold (UGH!)
------------------------------------------------------------------  38

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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 15:17:31 +0000
From:         Alun Richards <A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      Paedophiles, flashers, language, body parts, Women with PMT, elephant, Royalty

         What's grey & comes in pints?
         An elephant.

         A little girl is wandering through the park.  A flasher is
         hiding behind a bush, he then jumps out.
         Flasher: "Hello nice little girl" NLG: "Hello nice Mr. Man"
         Flasher: "Heh, heh.  Little girl, would you like a sweetie?"
         NLG: "Show us your dick first."

         Another, similar:

         Flasher: "Hello nice little girl."
         NLG: "Hello nice Mr. Man."
         Flasher: "Little girl, (heh, heh), have  you  seen  one  of  these
         before?" [Flashes].
         NLG:  "Oh!  It's just like a penis, only smaller."

         Have  you  heard  about  the new 2 in 1 haircare product promotion
         marketed jointly by Vidal Sasoon & Bernard Manning?  (for the  US,
         substitute Andrew Dice Clay).
         It's called "Wash and FUCK OFF!".

         What's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the
         floor?
         "Pfft Pffft."

         Two paedophiles talking:
         P1: "Hey, I've got a new girlfriend".  P2: "How old is she?"
         P1: "Eight".   P2 is appalled P2 "Eight??!"
         P1: "But.. but.. she looks six!"

         Q: Why does it take 3 women with PMT to change a lightbulb?
         A: (Shouted)  BECAUSE IT JUST DOES!!  OK?!!

         European  leaders  & royalty attend a dong awards ceremony.  Their
         dick size is judged, and placings are given.  Chancellor  Kohl  of
         Germany  comes  3rd with a organ size of 18cm.  He takes his place
         on  the  rostrum  &  they  play   the   German   National   Anthem
         "Deutschland, Deutschland, Uber Alles".

         Second  comes  President  Mitterand of France with 21cm.  Applause
         rings out as they play the "Marseille".

         The the climax (so to speak), as  Prince  Phillip  of  the  UK  is
         awarded  the  top position with a whopping 28cm.  Gasps are heard,
         and they play the only piece suitable: "God Save The Queen".
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 10:04:56 -0500
From:         Forrest Baulieu <BAULIEUF@GBVAXA.UWGB.EDU>
Subject:      clean (sorry!) inoffensive math limerick

I enjoyed the various Decartes jokes tremendously, including the variations on
"cogito ergo sum".  Does anyone have other  mathematics-related jokes?
I am including one I found in an old textbook some years ago:

The following equation is a mathematical limerick.  If read correctly,
it has the precise meter, rhyming scheme, and humorous kick at the end
as required  by the genre:

                    _____
12 + 144 + 20 + 3 \/  4                       2
--------------------------    + 5 ( 11 )  =  9  + 0
            7
A dozen a gross and a score
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared  (and not a bit more).
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 13:07:00 EST
From:         Wall, David K. <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject:      Re: clean (sorry!) inoffensive math limerick (another one)

A similar one is

      _
  / \/3   2                        3_
  |      z  dz  cos(3*pi/9)  = ln \/e
  / 1

The integral of zee squared dee zee
from one to the cube root of three
   times the cosine
   of three pi over nine
equals log of the cube root of e.

It doesn't really look to good -- ascii is rather limiting sometimes.
(Hey!  I made a pun!  :-) )

David

PS And unless I misremembered it, this one is true as well.
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 13:38:52 EDT
From:         RiffRaff <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: Offensive Jokes

***********
"Life is a shit sandwich, and every day is another bite."
***********

"Life is a shit sandwich: The more bread you have, the less shit you
have to eat, and the less bread you have, the more shit you have
to eat."

-Robert Anton Wilson

--Riff
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 12:59:38 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      clean (sorry!) inoffensive math limerick

----------------------------Original message----------------------------
I enjoyed the various Decartes jokes tremendously, including the variations on
"cogito ergo sum".  Does anyone have other  mathematics-related jokes?


It was a hot, sleepy afternoon in an intro to stats class.  The prof was

reviewing the basic signs and symbols of the topic, such as N = the number of
              _
subjects, and X = the mean.  When the prof stopped to see whether there were
                                                    _
any questions, I asked whether the Ns justified the Xs?


Speaking about DeCartes reminds me of my time at Wheaton College (Billy
Graham's alma mater).  I only once found writing on the bathroom wall, and
that lone message stated, "excreto, ergo sum."
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 14:39:00 EDT
From:         Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      halloween  (mildly offensive language)

at hearing the customary "Trick-or-Treat", an elderly man opens his door to
find a little girl dressed as an angel standing there with her goodies sack
open, smiling the most beautiful smile he has ever seen!  he even goes so
far as to call his wife to the door and they both just marvel at the beauty
of this little angel.
well, the man says to the girl, "just a minute.  i've got a very special
treat for you!"  he goes away and come back, shortly, with the most lucious,
reddest, BIGGEST apple that you've ever seen.
he opens the screen door, and drops the apple in the little girl's bag,
saying, "here, you darling, little angel.  I've been saving this for someone
special, just like you."
the little girl looked down into her goodies sack, and back up at the man.
there was the tiniest, most perfect, crystal clear teardrop coming from her
eye!
perplexed, the man asked, "what's the matter, darling?  don't you like
apples?"
she answered, "no, you sonofabitch!  you just broke all my cookies!!!"

be seeing you,

oxo

p.s. to those of you who didn't receive the 100-question purity test:  i
think i've got the problem licked.  i just have to add your address to my
stmp directory, as opposed to simply replying to the message!  so.....  if
you've still a mind to let me try again, send another request.  i USED to
have a list of the addresses that i couldn't reply to, but i seem to have
misplaced it.  (along with the 13th century)  ;)  bsy  oxo
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 14:16:40 EST
From:         Maurice Jester <Maurice_Jester_at_800WFF@CCMAIL.GSFC.NASA.GOV>
Subject:      Sex Joke

Q. What did Mrs. Cleaver say to her husband when she reached menopause?
A. "Ward, I'm worried about the beaver"
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 13:15:02 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Dumb Jokes (G)

Q:  What's it called when a Congressman is involved in an auto accident?
A:  Politically Car-wrecked.


Q:  Why was the man put off by the compact disk store?
A:  He found it very CD.
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 17:07:14 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET>
Subject:      Funeral parlor?

>*Believe it or not, there's a drive in funeral parlor in Detroit. Talk
>about leaving you cold (UGH!)

Ye Gods! I thought we had "sewn up" this "thread"!

Theresa
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 14:11:53 -0400
From:         gwen eckman <fool@BACH.UDEL.EDU>
Subject:      religous - humorous

 Ann Landers on 21 Oct had this gem of a story.

A kid went to Sunday school and the teacher asked the class, "Who was
Christ's mother?"
All replied in unison, "Mary!"
Then the teacher asked, "And who was Christ's father?"
Nobody answered for a few moments; then one kid spoke up: "His name was
Virg." Then he went on, "All I hear about is Virg and Mary."
nother little boy at Sunday school was told by his teacher that God lives
in all of our hearts.
The little boy replied, "No, he doesn't.  Every morning, Dad knocks on the
bathroom door and says, 'My God, are you still in there?"
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 16:52:23 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      Drive ins

True story: in Grand Rapids, Mich. is Furgeson (sp?) Hospital--specializing in
proctology (disorders of the rear).  Following the lead of other hospitals in
the area that established satalite clinics, Furgeson bought and refurbished an
old bank in Kentwood (a suburb of GR).  The funny thing was, the hospital left
in tact the old drive-through windows.  We always wondered what type of
service
they were planning to offer there.  We felt the hospital should have provided
at least a curtain to pull around the car when the doctor would ask the
patient to lean over the steering wheel.

                                        --Ed Johnson
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 15:02:54 -0800
From:         LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU
Subject:      Religous - humorous

Little Sally comes home from Sunday school and her mother asks her what she
learned. "The teacher told us the story of Moses leading his people out of
Egypt", Sally said. Her mother asked Sally to tell her the story.
"Well", said Sally, "Moses led his people away from Egypt and the Pharaoh
starting chasing them.  When they got to this big lake, Moses called up his
engineers and they built this pontoon bridge over the lake and Moses and his
people started across.  When they got to the other side, they waited until
Pharaoh's army was on the bridge and then Moses called in his helicopters and
artillery and they bombed the bridge and blew up the Pharaoh's army and they
all drowned and Moses and his people got away."
Sally's mother was horrified.  "That can't be the way your teacher told the
story!"
"Well, no" said Sally, "but you would never believe it the way she told it."
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 15:22:17 PDT
From:         HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.R   A collection of clean humor gather on: 18 Feb 88

----------------------------------------------------

YOUR CO-WORKER COULD BE A SPACE ALIEN, SAY EXPERTS ... here's how you can
tell (by Michael Cassels of the "National Inquirer")
Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -
but you can spot these visitors byy looking for certain tip-offs, say experts.

They listed 10 signs to watch for:

     1. Odd or mismatched clothes.  "Often space aliens don't fully understand
the different styles, so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, such as
checked pants with a striped shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or
sneakers," noted Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.
     2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits.  Space aliens might eat French
fires with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of pills, the experts say.
     3. Bizarre sense of humor.  Space aliens whho don't understand
earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film
or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
     4. Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra time off to
"rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton, a biologist and futurist.
     5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary.  "Aliens are constantly
gathering information." said Steiger.
     6. Misuses everday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid
to paint its nails," said Steiger.
     7. Constant questioning about customs of co-workers.  Space aliens
who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that
seem stupid, Easton said. "For example, a co-worker may ask why so many
Americans picnic on  the Fourth of July," noted Steiger.
     8. Secretive about personal life-style and home.  "An alien won't
discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or
on weekends," said Steiger.
     9. Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to
speaking as we do,so an alien may practice speaking," Steiger noted.
     10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a
microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.  The experts pointed out
that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these
traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.

----------------------------------------------------

The following are taken from "The Washington Wits" edited by Bill Adler, 1967

     Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that their
intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, generous
person.  "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. (p 5)

     Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 Senatorial
campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself shaking hands
with a well-known labor leader.
     "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the advertising
men in charge of his campaign.
     "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
     "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. (p 10-11)

     On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
to size ... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." (p 88)

     A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a finger
through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses are
just
like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs.  They look good but they don't work." (p 88)

     When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
questioned
as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" political
views.
     "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer.  He was
driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
'Why don't we sit closer together?  Before we were married, we always sat
closer together.'  The old farmer replied, "I ain't moved.'
     "I ain't moved," added Cotton.  "I found the trend of Government has
moved farther to the left." (102)

     Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted
in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks.  I think we need
more owls."  (p 116)

     Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number
of employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number
of farmers in America." (p118)
>What's even funnier is that the amendment FAILED.
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 16:37:35 -0600
From:         PBLTHH <ST_BADGER@STDVAX.CC.SLCC.EDU>
Subject:      Funeral parlor?

>>Believe it or not, there's a drive in funeral parlor in Detroit. Talk
>>about leaving you cold (UGH!)

>Ye Gods! I thought we had "sewn up" this "thread"!

yeah, the humor has really 'decayed'.  Perhaps we should 'bury' this one?
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 19:04:18 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <BJLANNING@DELPHI.COM>
Subject:      A play called Who Is Milo Miles?

                                             Copyright 1993 by Byron Lanning

                             WHO IS MILO MILES?
Dramatis Personae
      Stingo Footpepper -hunter
      Kudo Gaucho -schmoe or dork

                                    Act I
                                   Scene 1

[On a long plain of thick goo, Footpepper, a hunter, stands with
a harpoon raised in the air. He waits patiently for his prey, a
dragonfly, to come into range. Overhead, a flock of geese fly,
honking, "Beep beep." A soft voice in the distance cries, "Run,
run away! The Lutherans have the bomb."]

[Enter Gaucho]

Gaucho. [con moto] Stingo, have you seen Milo Miles?

Footpepper. [concavely] Who is Milo Miles?

Gaucho. Milo Miles used to broadcast baseball on the radio for
the Predestination WASPS. [looking strung out] He began his
broadcasting career after he suddenly quit the New York
Metropolitan Opera, where he sang mezzo-castrato. He left the Met
because it refused to perform his favorite opera Night of the
Living Dead.

His radio career didn't last too long, however, because he
refused to broadcast games with a microphone. He would sing out
the action of the game in "mezzo-castrato," and if the radio
audience couldn't hear him he said, "That's their fault."

[Lying down on a hypotenuse] Milo Miles also had a unique
ancestry. He descended from the Roman philosopher Miles who
conceived the idea of placing milestones one after the other,
which began the presumption of mileage. This changed Roman
society and made it an empire.  Before the concept of mileage,
Romans had no notion of miles, and their armies could only travel
one mile and then had to turn back embarrassed. With the
presumption of mileage, Roman armies could make long expeditions
in which they conquered Europe and the baseball parks of the Asia
Minor League.

[Pizzicato] The philosopher Miles also married Venus de Milo.
However, the marriage didn't last very long because she didn't
have any arms and couldn't cook worth a crap.

[Suddenly, a violent peristalsis erupts. The stage rumbles and
vibrates. A horrible-smelling flatulent gas inundates the air.
Someone offstage lights a match. The theater explodes in an
inferno.]
                                   THE END
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 21:52:28 -0400
From:         Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Paedophiles, flashers, language, body parts, Women with PMT, elephant, Royalty (fwd)

Since Mr. Richards shared his answer to my question about the elephants in
pints with the list, I thought I'd share another message I sent to him
about an hour after I sent the first.  There's a joke at the beginning
which makes reference to male sexual functions.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1993 14:10:23 -0400 (EDT)
To: a.richards%ste0409.wins.icl.co.uk@uga.cc.uga.edu

About an hour after I sent you this message, it suddenly just "came" to me
(the point of the joke).  It's sort of like:

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
He only comes once a year, and then it's in a chimney
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 22:16:13 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <ligas@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject:      Teaching Metric (G)

Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
-- P.J. O'Rourke Vancouver Sun, Dec. 20, 1991
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Date:         Tue, 26 Oct 1993 20:56:09 -0600
From:         The Reincarnated Bug... <ST_KLOSIEWSK@STDVAX.CC.SLCC.EDU>
Subject:      Christianity joke... may be offensive to some.

Okay, try this one:

Moses and Jesus are floating on the sea in a small boat.  They talk for a
while about the good ol' days.  Jesus thinks for a second and says to Moses,
"Do you
think you still have the touch?"
Moses looks at him and shrugs, "Dunno.  Let me try."
So Moses stands up in the boat, and with a grand gesture parts the sea.  The
boat settles on the bottom of the sea and Jesus says, "Good!"
Moses brings his hands back together and the sea comes back together ant the
boat is floating once more on the waves.
Moses looks to Jesus and says, "Now you try, okay?"
"Okay," Jesus says, then lightly steps out onto the surface of the water -
then sinks like a rock.
Moses, acting quickly, pulls the floundering Jesus back into the boat and
asks,
"What went wrong?"
Jesus sputters, spits some water, and says, "Well, the last time I tried this,
I didn't have holes in my feet!"

(GROAN!)

                        ST_K
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