Digest for Monday, October 25, 1993

There are 16 messages totalling 568 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. The *World* Series 1993, eh.
  2. The *World* Series 1993, eh.
  3. Tasteless & dirty jokes
  4. Another talking dog joke (clean, groaner)
  5. Do dead mean bleed?
  6. Limbaugh to replace Chevy Chase
  7. COULD BE OFFENSIVE TO PRESIDENTS
  8. Top Ten ELF Pickup Lines (Clean)
  9. Bad Relief Pitching
  10. a limerick about limericks (clean)
  11. Offensive Jokes
  12. Dirty limmerick
  13. offensive to clintons
  14. Life 2.R A collection of clean humor gather on: 18 Feb 88
  15. Sex, language, quite gross
  16. Re: Life 2.R A collection of clean humor gather on: 18 Feb 88


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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 01:18:00 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <ligas@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject:      The *World* Series 1993, eh.

Well, well, well .... The Toronto Blue Jays have done it again, this time
on Canadian soil, using boys from Canada, the Dominican Republic, Puerto
Rico, Venezuala, and of course the USA. It was an interesting and
memorable series to say the least. All historic occasions inspire poetic
verse and this one was no exception. Enjoy.

The *World* Series 1993, eh. (by M. Ligas)

There once was a team called the Phillies,
whose feet were quite smelly and cleated.
They came to Toronto
and were taught baseball, pronto,
and left unshaved, sad and defeated.

They placed too much faith in one man,
who looked alot like a gorilla.
Too many steroids he's seen,
leaving none for the team,
that poor old misfortunate fella.

He was never a match for Joe Carter,
who provided the ultimate hit.
The Wild Thing thing he tamed,
leaving him neutered and ashamed,
for pitching no better than shit.

Hurray for the almighty JAYS,
They never ran out of gas!
In stark contrast to their foes,
they were clean head to toe,
proving that shmucks can never beat class.

So the pennant will stay in Toronto,
and American eyes are all teary.
A fine consolation
of this great situation,
is that it now truly is a *WORLD* series.

                        - Michael Ligas, 1993.

Final Thoughts:

It was so nice to see that the poor hospitality given to the Jays never
threw them off stride. There was the embarassing hotel incident when the
Philadelphia hotel manager decided at the last minute to give the rooms
reserved for the Jays to Hugh Hefner and his entourage, leaving the Jays
management scrambling to find the players a place to stay. Then there was
the "mysterious" malfunctioning of the Jays bullpen phone (this happened
in Philadelphia). But the ultimate act of stupidity came from the mayor of
Philadelphia who commented that he was glad that the Jay's Todd
Stottlemeyer was starting game four, claiming that he could even get a hit
off of Todd. Well, those of us who watched today's victory parade
witnessed a hilarious retort from Todd. In front of millions of viewers
nation wide and a packed Skydome, Todd "Dice" Stottlemeyer issued the
following challenge: (paraphrased) "To the mayor of Philadelphia, in case
you're watching, you can KISS MY ASS."
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 02:32:29 EST
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <X7FV@SLUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      The *World* Series 1993, eh.

The *World Series* revisited
(c) 1993 Tyler Haulenbeek
---------------------------------------------------------
The Jays won, but this too will pass.
(At least the Phils weren't dead last.)
But when asked of theories
of a TRUE World Series,
I say that Japan would KICK ASS.

Yes, I would bet on Japan, not the Jays,
But the game would be rich with delays.
All the plays would buy,
All the businesses they eye.
(They'd own the ballparks, anyways.)
-----------------------------------------------------------

-Tyler (who could say some things, but won't, because this is a humor
list...)

  "Today is the greatest day I've ever known..." -Smashing Pumpkins
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 09:35:09 MET
From:         Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject:      Tasteless & dirty jokes

Mike Elwwods remark on humor in concentration camps reminded me of a
joke of very bad taste:

Q: What is the top of rehabilitation?
A: Making Jews from soap.

And a dirty and also tasteless one:

Three men argue who of them can make his wife most excited. One says:
When I kiss her tit, suck the nipple and squeeze it gently between my teeth,
she moans and scratches my neck with her fingers.
The other says: When we do the 69 position and I lick her clitoris, she is so
excited that she shouts "Oh no, oh no PLEASE, I can't stand it" and then she
bites me hard.
The third one beats them: When I fuck her and then I get up and wipe my cock
in the curtain, she yells that it must be heard a mile far and slaps my face
with full strength.
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 12:03:39 +0100
From:         d.parkin <dhp@CAD-CEN.CO.UK>
Subject:      Another talking dog joke (clean, groaner)

The talking dog joke a couple of weeks ago reminded me of this gem:

A dog walks into a JobCentre and says to the assistant:
  "Excuse me pal, you got any jobs for me?"
  The assistant picks himself up off the floor and recomposes himself -
  "Um, yeah, leave it with me, come back in an hour and I'll see what I can do
for you."
  The dog leaves. The assistant rings Billy Smart's Circus.
  "Hey Billy - you interested in a talking Dog?"
  "Of course, send him along! If he's any good there'll be a few quid in it
for you!"
  An hour later, the dog pads back into the JobCentre. The assistant gushes
  "Great news! You've got an interview tommorow at Billy Smarts Circus!"
  The dog looks puzzled.
  "What does a circus want with a bricklayer?"
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 09:34:05 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Do dead mean bleed? <Mulla>

DO DEAD MEN BLEED?

     Nasrudin once believe he was dead.  In an effort to release
him from this idea, a psychiatrist asked him if dead men bleed.
"Of course not," the Mulla replied, whereupon the psychiatrist
jabbed Nasrudin's finger with a pin so that they both could see the
rich, red blood flow.  The Mulla looked at the blood, at the
psychiatrist, and then said, "Well, I'll be damned, dead men do
bleed!"
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 10:00:56 EDT
From:         Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      Limbaugh to replace Chevy Chase <American politics>

RUSH LIMBAUGH TO REPLACE CHEVY CHASE

   Despite what the rest of the world thinks is news,
Americans have a new issue that anybody can talk about
knowledgeably. Who should replace talk show host Chevy
Chase?

   According to Mick Walsh, television critic, the FOX
network is now looking for a replacement for the recently
departed Chevy Chase. They fired him. Rush Limbaugh is the
obvious choice? He is BIG these days? He is creative--he
made up most of the Chelsea jokes? He is hot. Limbaugh's the
kind of guy you either love or hate. He can talk and talk
and talk.

   He is the politically correct choice: he is about the
same age, race, and sex as the current President. Like the
President, Limbaugh successfully avoided service in Vietnam.
It is true Clinton was again the war, while Limbaugh was for
it. Clinton is married and has a child, while Limbaugh isn't
married and seem to be able only to make up jokes about
children and women. It is rumored that Limbaugh holds the
largest file of Miss Lillian jokes and he still tells 'em.
Look out, finally someone who is not afraid to take on
grandparents.

   He will need a sidekick and a house band. The
possibilities for his sidekick are exciting. Walsh suggests
Pat Robertson, Ollie North, Mary Matalin, George Bush, George
Will, and Boy George. Dan Quayle and Bart Simpson are long
shots. Tammye Faye could re-organize the PTL band for him.
If she can't do it, FOX already has the Village People under
contract. With details like these to be worked out, don't
expect the announcement this week. :-)
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 10:15:00 -0400
From: Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642 <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      COULD BE OFFENSIVE TO PRESIDENTS

Bill Clinton went to this party shortly after his innaguration and ran into
Bubba Smith. Bubba had two ladies with him and Clinton said, "Gee Bubba, how
can you keep two ladies satisfied?" "Well, Bill," Bubba replies, "just before
I
engage the first, I take my friend, wack it against the bed post until it is
numb, and I can then last all night." "Gee, I'm going to have to try that
tonight with Hillary." After the party, Bill goes home and Hillary is already
in bed. Bill takes off his clothes, gets his little Elvis excited, and begins
wacking it against the bed post. Hillary then wakes up and says, "Is that you,
Bubba?".

Now that joke is an old one and has been told about almost every president
probably since George Washington. The only one that it wasn't told about was
Richard Nixon; of course, he was trying to get it down Pat. Where's that
rim-shot when you neeed it?

One day Bill Clinton was getting off of Marine One, his helicopter, when one
of
his secret service agents spotted something in the snow. In bold yellow
letters
was "Clinton sucks!!" The agent said, "Don't worry sir, we'll find out who did
this. Later, the agent came back and said, "I have bad news and worse news
about the writing in the snow." "Well, let me have it," Clinton said. "Well,
sir, we did a urine sample and found out that it was Al Gore's
urine...But...it
was Hillary's hand writing."

Until later,
Tom Ohlendorf
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 10:21:50 -0400
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      Top Ten ELF Pickup Lines  (Clean)

Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines

 10. "I'm down here"
  9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
  8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
  7. "I can get you off the naughty list"
  6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
  5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
  4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over
      at Keebler"
  3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
  2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
  1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"

                                        -- Late Night with David Letterman

         Ted Kennette             Internet: tkennett@Bentley.Edu
         Systems Manager            Bitnet: tkennett@Bentley.Bitnet
         Bentley College

  "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock"
            "In the immortal words of socrates: I drank what?"
               "C:\System error - Hit any USER to continue"
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 08:42:24 PDT
From: Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437<IRVINMJ@WSUVM1.CSC.WSU.EDU>
Subject:      Bad Relief Pitching

Subject: Bad Relief Pitching

Heard on Weekend Edition on National Public Radio:

One fan's sign summed up all there is to be said about the poor quality
of the relief pitching in the just-completed World Series:

"Will Pitch Middle Relief for Food"
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 15:31:00 EST
From:         Wall, David K. <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject:      a limerick about limericks (clean)

A limerick packs laughs anatomical
in a space that's quite economical.
   The good ones I've seen
   so seldom are clean
and the clean ones so seldom are comical.

<soapbox mode on>

... and good jokes are seldom non-offensive to everyone.

<soapbox mode off>

David
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 15:29:45 -0400
From:         Tansin A. Darcos & Company <0005066432@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject:      Offensive Jokes

From: Paul Robinson <TDARCOS@MCIMAIL.COM>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
--------
DANGER WILL ROBINSON! POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE

The Humor List has a Limit One per day, so here goes:

This man was running a grinder in an abortuary.  After fetuses are flushed
out of women, they toss them into the grinder to strain the protein out of
them.  A broker comes into the office to talk to the guy, and offers him a
truckload of dead dogs to extract the protein from.  "I resent that; I use
aborted human fetuses, and grind them for the proteins in them.  I am not
going to abuse my customers by sneaking in proteins from dogs.  I happen
to be a very moral person, I have standards to live up to."

--------
"I am not a homosexual"

I am not a homosexual, and I resent being called one.  If I hear
another guy call me a homosexual, I'm going to rip his pants off and
fuck him in the ass!

--------

Gotten off a bathroom wall, some ten years ago:

"Over the hill went Cactus Pete
 With twenty pounds of swinging meat.

 Over the hill came Molly Brown
 Who swore no man would lay her down.

 Pete met molly in the tip-tall-grass
 and drove his rod right through her ass.

 Just 'bout then she cut a fart
 And blew his balls ten feet apart.

 Over the hill went Cactus Pete
 With twenty pounds of shredded meat.

--------
I got these two off messages:

"To me, calling a phone sex line is like coming home late
at night, hungry as hell, and calling McDonalds to listen
to people eat."
  - Andy Mavrias  <Andym@550sherb.lan.mcgill.ca>
                  McGill University, ICC

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States,
 unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9 mm bullet."
          -- Dave Barry

---
Note: All mail is read/responded every day.  If a message is sent to this
account, and you expect a reply, if one is not received within 24 hours,
resend your message; some systems do not send mail to MCI Mail correctly.

Paul Robinson - TDARCOS@MCIMAIL.COM
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush <randy@psg.com>
-----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:

"Life is a shit sandwich, and every day is another bite."
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 14:54:03 CDT
From:         Jim Kemp <KEMP@UMSLVMA.BITNET>
Subject:      Dirty limmerick

There was a well hung man from Kent
Who's cock was unusually bent
He found a vagina
All crooked inside her
They twisted, got stuck and were spent!
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 18:27:53 E
From:         Jason A. Reed <reed@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject:      offensive to clintons

Bill and Hillary Clinton were out to dinner at a fancy resteraunt and the
waiter asks Hillary what she'd have.
  "I'll have a steak well done, a baked potato (with optional -e), and a
salad with Ranch Dressing."
  "And your vegetable?" asks the waiter.
  "He'll have the same."

JReed--resident psychopath
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 16:55:18 PDT
From:         HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.R   A collection of clean humor gather on: 18 Feb 88

----------------------------------------------------

The following are various stories of stupid robbers:

     A few years back, some poor fool decided to rob a bank on a Friday
afternoo
n.
Stupid fellow that one.  If he had looked across the street, he would have
realized that this bank was next to FBI headquarters, and it was payday.
Virtually every person in the bank was an agent!  Needless to say, this
hapless
fool got a quick lesson in law enforcement technique...

     My cousin used to work for, er, qantel, and there were some boxes of
garbage sitting on the loading dock.  You bet someone stole them, after all,
they were labled printer boxes and such!!

     This reminds me of the stories which appeared in the press a few years
ago during a garbage strike in N.Y.  Apparently, the cabbies started wrapping
up their garbage and putting it in the back of their cab. It was always gone
by the end of their shift.

     In College Park, GA, a suburb of Atlanta, an armed man entered a La
Quinta hotel lobby with the intention of robbing the place. He pulled out
his gun and demanded money from the hotel clerk. The funny thing is that
the robber never noticed that there was a FULLY-UNIFORMED police officer
standing less than 15 feet away in the lobby. Not only that, but the hotel
security camera filmed the entire episode, including the arrest. The local
television stations showed the tape on the evening news.

     The stupidest tricks I've heard of, though, are always bank robbers.
 Like the guy who was caught walking back to the bank with a can of gas after
his car ran out of gas while he was in robbing the bank.

     They managed to enter the place without setting off the alarm, but they
were unable to crack the safe by drilling holes in it or trying to hear the
tumblers fall.  So they decided to blow the thing open.  After a loud
explosion
the safe was still locked tight, but the alarm had been set off.  When they
got to the getaway car it wouldn't start.  So they each ran off in a different
direction as the sirens approached.  The police had no problem identifying
and apprehending them, though.  One of them had left his wallet on the front
seat of the getaway car.

     The other day, a South Carolina football player didn't want to be caught
with the goods, so he swallowed six rocks of crack.
     He died a few hours later.

     A mugger in NY city (about 1965) tried to mug (or rape) two women walking
through Central Park. It turned out they were roller derby queens, and they
walked on him with spike heels. I heard that he died later, but I'm not sure.

Two muggers in Albany NY (about 1970) tried to mug someone coming out of a
grocery store. He was walking his pit bull, using a funny black belt for a
leash
.

   Does anybody remember a few years back when two guys tried to hijack a
New York City subway train to Miami?

     How about the bank robber in Champiagn IL. who robbed the bank one day
and return to the same bank the next day to deposit the money into his account
and even went to the same teller. Well the teller keep him busy while someone
called the police.

----------------------------------------------------

"We trained hard, but it seemed every time we were beginning to form up into
teams, we would be reorganised. I was to learn later in life that we tend
to meet any new situation by reorganising, and a wonderful method it can
be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion,
inefficiency

and demoralisation"

From Petronii Arbitri Satyricon AD 66.
Attributed to Gaius Petronus

Gaius Petronus, a Roman General, later committed suicide!

----------------------------------------------------
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 13:07:17 EST
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <X7FV@SLUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Sex, language, quite gross

<I KNOW this is two posts in one day, but I made the other one at like
2am, so I hope no one minds, I just had to post these...>

--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do fucking a whore and bunjee jumping have in common?

A. If the rubber breaks, you DIE.
--------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his lover were "doing the nasty" in the middle of the
afternoon, when the man suggested that they try a new "game".  The
woman was absolutely digusted at the idea (the idea really isn't
important), takes the condom off of his dick, and throws it out the
window.
Naturally, the man jumps up, yells at his lover, dons a robe, and goes
outside to find the condom.  He didn't like the idea of a used condom
just sitting in the road.
Anyways, when he finds it, a little boy is picking it up.
"Whatcha got there, little guy?"  the man asks in a nervous voice.
"A twinkie," the cute little boy replied.
"Well, I'll pay you fifty bucks for that twinkie, kid." The man was a
decent man, and he didn't want the kid to learn about sex THIS way.
"Fifty bucks!!??  OKAY!"  So the guy gives the kid a fifty, and watches
him run home...
THe kid runs up to his mom.  "Mommy! Mommy! I found a twinkie on the
road and a man gave me fifty bucks for it!  And I had even already
licked the cream out before I gave it to him!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Told you it was gross...just had to share.
Hope I offended some people.  You were warned.

-Tyler the perv-since-pre-puberty

  "Today is the greatest day I've ever known..." -Smashing Pumpkins
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Date:         Mon, 25 Oct 1993 22:40:00 EST
From:         Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858 <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Life 2.R A collection of clean humor gather on: 18 Feb 88

Enjoyed the jokes about the inept bank robbers...  Had a silly incident in
that vein happen right in front of me numerous years ago.  I edited an
employee publication for one of the telephone companies, and worked in the
downtown headquarters building.  On the bottom floor, was a "public
office," where folks could come in to arrange for service, pay bills, etc.

I was headed out of the building to grab a hotdog and soda from the vendor
on the corner, when two guys wearing ski masks ran into the public office
and started demanding money from the payment tellers.  One carried a
sawed-off shotgun.  My heroic gesture was to cower in the lobby's public
phone booth.

At any rate, these guys took the loot and headed back out the front door.
By this time, of course, the alarm had gone off.  Police cruisers began
arriving out front.

The robbers were arrested two blocks away...at a bus stop, where they were
patiently waiting for a bus, ski masks tucked in jacket pockets, money
stuffed into backpacks.

Shirl
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