Digest for Saturday, October 23, 1993

There are 12 messages totalling 355 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Sick Sex Jokes
  2. Re: stereotypical joke #
  3. May be offensive to Homosexuals
  4. Car, Philosophy, Mixed Marriages (all clean)
  5. Pun - may be offensive to bird lovers
  6. to be put on the spot
  7. Meaning of Life (offensive to star and Beethoven haters, non-drinkers and certain individuals on this humor list)
  8. Clinton Bashing
  9. Offensive to Women
  10. Gay joke -- offensive language -- insults intelligence of frogs.
  11. Center of the universe
  12. This is a test


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:         Sat, 23 Oct 1993 00:13:27 BST
From:         A Gunatilleke <sgms112@SGHMS.LON.AC.UK>
Subject:      Sick Sex Jokes

Q: How do you tell when your sister is having her period?
A: Your father's dick tastes funny!!!
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Sat, 23 Oct 1993 01:47:00 -0400
From:         Patricia Ingram 31233 <PINGRAM@WORLDBANK.ORG>
Subject:      Re: stereotypical joke #

         The forgotten author of your citation is :Volataire a French
         famous writter/philosophe!

         Now the joke:

         A guy walks into a tavern. There's a horse tending the bar, and
         on the counter behind the horse is a goldfish bowl full of 5
         dollar bills. The guy asks the man next to him, 'what the hell
         is going on?'
         The man says, 'we have a contest going. You put a 5 dollar bill
         in the goldfish bowl, and if you make the horse laugh, you win
         all the money!'
         The guy goes behind the bar, puts a 5 dollar bill in the
         goldfish bowl, whispers something to the horse, and the horse
         cracks up. The guy takes all the money out of the bowl and
         leaves the bar.
         A few months later, he walks into the tavern again. The horse is
         still tending bar, but now the goldfish bowl is filled with 10
         dolalr bills. The guy asks, 'well, what's the contest now?'
         The same man answers, 'you have to make the horse cry!'
         The guy goes behind the bar, puts a 10 dollar bill in the
         goldfish bowl, and leads the horse out the back door.
         A few minutes later, they walk back in and the horse is in
         tears. The guy takes all the money out of the goldfish bowl, and
         just as he's walking out, everyone demands that he explain how
         he did it!
         'the 1st time' he explains, 'I told the horse I was hung better
         than he was. This time I showed it to him!'

         Patricia.
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Sat, 23 Oct 1993 08:24:56 EDT
From:         Beavis N-Butthead <bevsnbuthd@AOL.COM>
Subject:      May be offensive to Homosexuals

hey beavis ha ha ha..... got a joke for ya.........
cooool ha ha ha ha
what did one fag say to the other at the gay bar? ha ha ha
cool ha ha ha ha ha what butthead?
ha ha ha.....push in your stool.....ha ha ha ha
cool ha ha ha yeah stool ......ha ha ha ha
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Sat, 23 Oct 1993 09:02:09 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Car, Philosophy, Mixed Marriages (all clean)

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I once saw a person in a Jaguar, which had a single tank but a gas cap
on either side (to avoid the problem the previous posting mentions)
drive up to a gas station and insist on the attendant filling both
sides.  He tried to explain that there was only one tank, but she
wasn't having any of this nonsense--she made him put the nozzle in and
hold it till it clicked off (which happened immediately, of course).
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A  philosophy professor began each new term by asking his  class,
"Do  you believe it can be shown that their are  absolute  values
like  justice?"  The  free-thinking  students  all  argued   that
everything  is  relative  and  no  single  law  can  be   applied
universally.  Before  the  end  of the  semester,  the  professor
devoted  one  class period to debate the issue.  At the  end,  he
concluded, "Regardless of what you think, I want you to know that
absolute  values  can be demonstrated.  And if you  don't  accept
what  I  say,  I'll flunk you!"  One angry  student  got  up  and
insisted,  "That's  not fair!"  "You've just  proved  my  point,"
replied the professor.  "You've appealed to a higher standard  of
fairness."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Now-it-can-be-told Dept.: Basketball coach Jim Valvano of
North Carolina State, on his marriage: "I thought her name
was Lavini and that she was Italian. It was Levine and she was
Jewish. She thought because of my big nose I was Jewish. We
were married for three years before we knew we had a mixed
marriage."
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Sat, 23 Oct 1993 10:54:40 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <mthompso@NALUSDA.GOV>
Subject:      Pun - may be offensive to bird lovers

This is a true story.

A colleague of mine used to own a parakeet (deceased now, the bird, that
is).  One morning while she was getting ready to leave for work, she
noticed that the bird had gotten out of its cage.  She looked all over the
house for it, but to no avail.

She had gone into the kitchen to retrieve her lunch from the refrigerator,
and as she was turning to walk out, some movement caught her eye.  When
she turned to look, she saw that her parakeet had gotten into the sink and
found its way into the drain, underneath the flaps for the garbage disposal.
She managed to dig the poor creature out, clean him off and put him back
into his cage.

When she arrived at work, she told us of the bird's misadventure.  So,
wasting no time, I said, "Just think.  If you had accidentally turned on
the disposal, you would have had shredded tweet."

------

Gruesome, I know, but she laughed as did everyone else in the office.
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Sat, 23 Oct 1993 08:03:49 PDT
From:         Jay Sandhu <jsandhu@ESRI.COM>
Subject:      to be put on the spot <adult situation>

A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the
evening.  The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will
be no charge.  Very happy, he leaves.

A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like
six girls for the evening.  In the morning the madam presents him with a bill
for $1,000.  Confused the man asks, "I don' t understand, on Tuesday it was
free."    "That's right,"  replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on
cable."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous blonde walks
over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband and walks off.
"Who was that?" Demands the wife.
"If you must know, that was my mistress."
"Your MISTRESS?  I want a divorce!"
"Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs,
 a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Mexico?"

They continued dining in silence for a while.  Finally, the woman
asks, "Isn't that Howard over there?  Who's he with?"
"Thats HIS mistress."
"Oh... Well I think ours is cuter."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Sat, 23 Oct 1993 11:53:30 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <ligas@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject:      Meaning of Life (offensive to star and Beethoven haters, non-drinkers and certain individuals on this humor list)

Why we are here:

To tremble at the terrible beauty
of the stars, to shed a tear at
the perfection of Beethoven's
symphonies, and to crack a cold
one now and then.
                  - D. Letterman
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Sat, 23 Oct 1993 13:12:15 -0400
From:         Nigel H. Mendez <nhmen@MVAX.CC.CONNCOLL.EDU>
Subject:      Clinton Bashing

 To whom it may concern:

  We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee
  for raising five million dollars for placing a statue of
  Bill Clinton in the hall of fame in Washington, D.C.

  This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the
  statue.  It was not wise to place it beside the statue of
  George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse
  Jackson who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could
  never tell the difference.

  We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus,
  the greatest democrat of all.  He left not knowing where he
  was going, did not know where he was when he got there,
  returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on
  borrowed money.

  Over 5000 years ago, Moses said to the children "pick up
  your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead
  you to the promised land."  Nearly 5000 years later,
  Roosevelt said, "lay down your shovels, sit on your asses
  and light up a camel, this is the promised land."

  Now Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your
  asses, raise the prices of camels, and mortgage the
  promised land... If you are one of the fortunate people who
  has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous
  contribution for this worthwhile cause....
                          Sincerely,
                BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE

  P.S.  It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing
  the democratic party emblem from a donkey to a condom
  because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of
  pricks, halts production and gives a sense of security
  while being screwed.
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Sat, 23 Oct 1993 15:20:55 -0400
From:         Scott J Holman <sholman@UOGUELPH.CA>
Subject:      Offensive to Women

        There was this older man who finally decided to settle down one
day.  So he listed all the beautiful women he knew and eliminated all
but three of them.  To each of these women he gave a thousand dollars.
One week later he decided to see what they'd done with the money.

        The first woman spent all the money on clothes, make-up, and other
things ALL for herself, so that the man would have a beautiful wife.
        The second woman spent all the money on things that both she and
the man would use (TV, microwave......) because she wanted for him
to have everything he needed.
        The third woman took the money, invested it and make a profit of
3000%. She said she didn't ever want the man to have to work again.

        So WHICH woman did he marry????

        The one with the biggest HOOTERS.
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Sat, 23 Oct 1993 15:52:02 -0500
From:         Victor Jockin-2 <jockin@MAROON.TC.UMN.EDU>
Subject:      Gay joke -- offensive language -- insults intelligence of frogs.

A man goes into a gay-owned pet shop and sees a bullfrog on sale for
$5000.

"Why is this frog so expensive?" he asks.
"It gives amazing blow jobs whenever you want them," the store owner
responds. "I'll take it!" says the customer.

A week later, the guy comes back with the frog and is furious:  "This
frog doesn't do shit!  He just sits there!"

The gay store owner bends down, looks the frog in the face and says "OK,
you son of a bitch...I'm going to demonstrate this for you one last time."
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Sat, 23 Oct 1993 17:31:06 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Center of the universe <poem>

Archy's Warty, Bliggens, the Toad by Don Marquis

i met a toad
the other day by the name
of warty bliggens
he was sitting under
a toadstool
feeling contented
he explained that when the cosmos
was created
that toadstool was especially
planned for his personal
shelter from sun and rain
thought out and prepared
for him
do not tell me
said warty bliggens
that there is not a purpose
in the universe
the thought is blasphemy

a little more
conversation revealed
that warty bliggens
considers himself to be
the center of the said
universe
the earth exists
to grow toadstools for him
to sit under
the sun to give him light
by day and the moon
and wheeling constellations
to make beautiful
the night for the sake of
warty bliggens

to what act of yours
do you impute
this interest on the part
of the creator
of the universe
i asked him
why is it that you
are so greatly favored

ask rather
said warty bliggens
what the universe
has done to deserve me
if i were a
human being i would
not laugh
too complacently
at poor warty bliggens
for similar
absurdities
have only too often
lodged in the crinkles
of the human cerebrum
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Sat, 23 Oct 1993 09:55:57 -0500
From:         Steve Davis <S77175DS@ETSUACAD.BITNET>
Subject:      This is a test

 I saw a paper sign like the following that was tacked to the wall outside
 of an office:

            ==================================================
            ==                                              ==
            ==            THIS IS A TEST                    ==
            ==                                              ==
            ==           It is only a test.                 ==
            ==       Had this been an actual job            ==
            ==       You would have received Rasises,       ==
            ==       promotions, and other signs of         ==
            ==       appreciation.                          ==
            ==                                              ==
            ==================================================
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index