Digest for Friday, October 22, 1993

There are 21 messages totalling 589 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Proverbs
  2. World Religions Explained
  3. daffy definitions
  4. More Latin innuendo
  5. Re: Latin humor
  6. 3 people in a hot desert...
  7. Netiquette satire
  8. Offensive to Polish people, but it must be OK because my dad told it
  9. andrew
  10. Whiner
  11. some short jokes--some rather offensive
  12. Test
  13. Top Ten List for 10/20/93 (fwd)
  14. National Secretaries Association
  15. Funny news story about flying and sex
  16. Re: big eyes
  17. Contains the medical term for male sexual organ
  18. Another Trivia Grab Bag
  19. Onsite Service Technicians Nightmare (fwd)
  20. Last Wishes. Offensive to 17th century European explorers.
  21. REVOLTING


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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 08:32:03 EDT
From:         Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      Proverbs

  He set my house on fire only to roast his eggs.
  Everyone is eloquent in his own cause.
  No one is second to himself.
  It's no use crying over spilt milk.
  Do not kick against the pricks.
  Heat not a furnace for your foe so hot that you may singe yourself.
  Fools bite one another, but the wise agree together.
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 08:23:16 -0400
From:         Nigel H. Mendez <nhmen@MVAX.CC.CONNCOLL.EDU>
Subject:      World Religions Explained

Comparative Analysis of World Religious Philosophies
----------------------------------------------------

Taoism * shit happens
Confucianism * Confucius say, "shit happens"
Buddhism * shit happening is an illusion
Islam * shit happening is the will of Allah
Zen * what is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism * this shit has happened before
Catholicism * if shit happens you deserve it
Judiasm * why does shit always happen to us?
Calvinism * shit happens because you don't work hard enough
Christian Science * if shit happens, pray and it will go away
Protestantism * let shit happen to someone else
Atheism * shit happens for no reason
Agnosticism * maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't
Hare Krisna * shit happens, shit happens, shit happens
Stoicism * shit happens; I can take it
Jehovah's Witnesses * let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens
Rastafarianism * let's smoke this shit and see what happens
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 13:08:02 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      feetwear, politicos, thisisasubectupwithwhichIwillnotput

From a notice here at work today:
"Stores have now arranged a running contract for the supply of safety footwear
 ..."
hmm...With Rebok I wonder?
:)

Voluntary humor:

Q.How do you know when a politician is lying?
A. When he opens his mouth
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 07:43:00 EDT
From:         Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      daffy definitions

define the following:  LAGOON
A:  A French idiot
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 10:19:51 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      More Latin innuendo

Result of not using a condom...

Vici veni VD-Clinic
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 08:22:39 CDT
From:         Kevan L. Moore <moore@TEKELEC.COM>
Subject:      Re: Latin humor

> Everyone knows that Descartes is famous for his axiom
>         Cogito ergo sum.
> It took a lot of work to develop this little homily.  Among his earliest
> efforts was:
>         Cogito ergo spud.
> (I think therefore I yam.)

Then there was

Cogito ergo scum
 (I think, therefore I am a sleeze)

Cogito ergo stun
 (I think, er, I, uh...well...)

Cogito ergo spun
 (I think therefore I'm dizzy)

Incognito ergo sum
 (I can't think who I am)
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 10:03:46 -0400
From: Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject:      3 people in a hot desert...

  The Scene:  Three people walking across the desert; an American, a
    Mexican, and a Winkie.  (Substitute your favorite nationality/sub-
    culture known for its stupidity in place of Winkie.)

  After they had been walking for a while, the Mexican and the Winkie
   notice that the American is carrying a glass of water.  They asky why,
   and the American replies: "Well, when it gets real hot, I can drink
   this glass of water to cool off."  Then he drinks it.
  The American and the Winkie notice that the Mexican is carrying a
   Sombrero.  The Winkie asks him why he's carrying the hat, and the
   Mexican replies: "Well, when it gets real hot like now, I can put my
   hat on to be in the shade."  Then he puts it on.
  The American and the Mexican notice that the Winkie has been lugging a
   car door through the desert.  Neither of them can understand this, so
   they ask him why.  The Winkie smiles and replies: "Well, its just like
   you two are doing.  When I get hot, I can just roll down the window."

BTW: Kudos to Kathleen Olivier for her Limericks!
                                - James
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 09:51:31 EDT
From:         Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      Netiquette satire

Original-author: brad@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton)
Last-change: 30 Nov 91 by brad@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton)

"Dear Emily Postnews" Emily Postnews, foremost authority
on proper net behaviour, gives her advice on how to act
on the net.
-----------

Q: What about a test message?

A: It is important, when testing, to test the entire net.  Never test
by writing the listowner. He probably will not answer for several
hours since listowner usually think they more important things to do
rather than wait for your mail. Also put "please ignore" on your test
messages, since we all know that everybody always skips a message
with a line like that.  Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read
in depth by all USEnauts.

                                ------
Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.  What
should I do?

A: Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on
believing that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably be
the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.  No
time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
somebody else has made the correction.

And it's not good enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're
the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to
inform the whole net right away!
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 10:22:11 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET>
Subject:      Offensive to Polish people, but it must be OK because my dad told it

Now this is a sight gag, so you have to follow directions carefully to
get the right effect.

You ask someone:
Why do Polish cars have windshield wipers on the inside?

Victim: Why do Polish cars have windshield wipers on the inside?

You pantomime "driving" motions with your hands turning an imaginary
steering wheel, making childlike "motor" noises with your lips and
tongue:
"PBTHPBTHPBTHPBTHPBTHPBTHPBTHPBTHPBTHPBTHPBTHPBTHPBTH!"

Theresa
Graduate (yeah right) School of the City University of New York
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 09:51:55 CDT
From:         STACY BICHELMEYER <SBICHELM@OZ.UMB.KSU.EDU>
Subject:      andrew

Sorry for posting "chatter", but I've been trying to reach Andrew
from Australia for quite some time now, and all of my mail is being
returned.  So - hi, Andrew.  I have been getting your messages - I
just can't return them!

Also, obligatory humor   OFFENSIVE TO JEWISH

How was copper wire invented?

Two Jews fighting over a penny!
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 08:50:04 -0700
From:         Ken Smith <SMITHK@CWU.BITNET>
Subject:      Whiner

It's bad enough that this list is being dominated by third grade toilet
humor, Aids jokes ...

B.D. Sore Colon
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 10:51:00 -0400
From:         T.C. Borne <Front.Desk@UC.EDU>
Subject:      some short jokes--some rather offensive

this is my first post to this list so hope it works...
first of all, re: the discussion: remember the first rule of drama:
comedy = tragedy + time

*old* Clinton jokes:
one day, after the Inauguration, Bill and Hillary were driving down
the road and they stopped at a gas station.  as the attendant was
pumping their gas, Hillary recognized him as the guy she had gone with
to her senior prom in high school.  they talked for a few minutes, and
Hillary and the attendant caught up on old times, and then Bill and
Hillary went on their way.  after they had driven a few miles, Bill
struck up a conversation:  "just think, dear, if you had married that
man, right now you'd be married to a gas station attendant."  to this
Hillary responded:  "no, dear, if i had married him, he'd be
President."

one day, Bill, Hillary, and Al Gore were driving down the road and
they ran into a brick wall and they all died.  they all got to Heaven
and were presented before God.  God looked down at Al and said, "What
Did You Do While You Were On Earth, My Son?"  Al replied: "i was the
vice-president of the U.S.A, the greatest democracy ever!"  God says:
"very good my son, you may take the seat on my left"  then God looks
at Bill and says: "And What Did You Do While You Were On Earth, My
Son?"  to which Bill replied, "i was the president of the most
powerful country on the planet!"  God says:  "very good my son, you
may take the seat on my right."  then God looked at Hillary and says:
"And What About You, My Daughter, Who Are You?"  at which point
Hillary looks up at God and says: "Oh, my name's Hillary and i think
you're in my seat..."

*old, old* lightbulb joke:
how many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A1:  the fish.

A2:  4.  3 to find the penguins and 1 to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored metal objects.

******sex joke********offensive********

a man and a woman were at a bar drowning their sorrows and they struck
up a conversation about their problems.  the man said "Yeah, my
girlfriend just left me 'cause she said i was into sex that was too
kinky."  the woman said "Damn, my boyfriend just left me for the same
reason.  guess we're looking for the same thing.  your place or mine?"
so they go back to the woman's apartment, and she goes upstairs to
slip into something more comfortable with lots of leather, latex, and
chains, and to fetch the martinis, the handcuffs, and the nipple
clamps, but when she comes back downstairs the man is getting ready to
leave.  "Why are you leaving so soon?" she said.  "Well, it didn't
take me very long to fuck your cat and shit in your toaster."


*incredibly offensive joke*you should be drunk when you read this one*

Q:What's the best part about fucking a four-year old in the ass?
A:Killing him.

Q:What's the worst part?
A:Cleaning the blood off your clown suit.

(i got that one off a bathroom wall, and trust me, it's actually funny
if you're drunk)
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 11:48:38 CDT
From:         Jim Kemp <KEMP@UMSLVMA.BITNET>
Subject:      Test

I'm not quite sure how to do this posting thing so... this is a test
with an obligatory bad joke ...
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: Because it was stapled to the chicken!

Groan.
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 13:10:57 -0400
From:         Amy L. Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 10/20/93 (fwd)

October 20, 1993

======================================================
Top Ten Reasons Dan Quayle Would Make a Good President
======================================================

10. Picked up a lot of the jargon from Bush, like "congress" and "Washington"
 9. Would be fun to see it spelled "NATOE"
 8. Five words:  State of the Union Flashcards
 7. No need for Camp David; give him a box of styrofoam peanuts and he's
    entertained for hours!
 6. New cabinet post:  Secretary of Cartoons
 5. Was allowed to visit the White House once during the Bush administration
 4. Wouldn't be out of touch with concerns of the not-so-bright
 3. America is the Love Boat, and he wants to be our Captain Stubing
    (A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience.  The
    laughing man is Gavin MacLeod, Captain Stubing of the Love Boat, making
    his third appearance in a row)
 2. His wife is smart enough to run the country
 1. Four more years of Dan Quayle jokes
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 10:50:11 PDT
From: Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437<IRVINMJ@WSUVM1.CSC.WSU.EDU>
Subject:      National Secretaries' Association

Subject: National Secretaries' Association

A local restaurant was hosting a meeting of the National Secretaries'
Association.  Since the entire name would not fit on the readerboard welcoming
the group, the greeting was abbreviated to: WELCOME NATIONAL SECS ASSOCIATION.
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 14:06:46 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Funny news story about flying and sex <adult theme>

10/06 2320  BRITISH COUPLE BROADCAST THEIR FROLIC IN THE SKIES

LONDON, Oct 7 (Reuter) - A British couple who made love in a light aircraft
forgot to turn off their transmitter and broadcast their moments of passion to
air traffic controllers and radio enthusiasts on Wednesday.

The couple, flying in a private Cessna 150 plane near the Scottish city of
Edinburgh, began by debating whether they should have sex 5,000 feet (1,500
metres) above ground and join the "Mile High Club."  Their conversation grew
more and more passionate and then ceased.

"We've been trying to raise you for the past 50 minutes," an angry controller
was quoted by the domestic Press Association (PA) as telling the errant couple
when they came in to land.  "We've been listening to your conversation. Very
interesting. Please come and see me when you land."

Fifteen aircraft, including shuttles, holiday jets and cargo planes, had to
use an emergency channel while the two cavorted.

PA said the pilot reported to the authorities at Edinburgh Airport, where he
was carpeted for blocking radio communication.  "Apart from one aspect of his
airmanship -- his failure to check in on a regular basis -- there were no
breaches of aviation rules," PA quoted the airport's air traffic control
manager Paul Louden as saying.

[No breeches, either.  Gives a new meaning to "Beam me up, Scotty!"]

---
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 12:44:03 LCL
From:         Rafael Lacaz Ruiz <RAFLRUIZ@TUVIRA.CIAGRI.USP.BR>
Subject:      Re: big eyes

That joke about the wolf made me laugh...

' And Little Red Hood said: "What a big leg you have!"
- FUCK YOU!! THAT'S THE SHIT!!!!
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 15:06:08 -0500
From:         C. Causey <S72UCAU@TOWSONVX.BITNET>
Subject:      Contains the medical term for male sexual organ

Did you hear about the man with 5 penises?
His pants fit him like a glove.

Just heard that one--had to share it with all of you.

Cheryl
s72ucau@toe.towson.edu
Baltimore  MD
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 15:48:00 EDT
From:         Rich.Carl <ADP3S@MSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Another Trivia Grab Bag  <Rated "PC">

This sums up the need to keep an open mind on any network of 10,000,000 users:

                   Censorship is unwelcome here,
                   we're no soapbox pulpit, yet;
                   its raison d'etre conflicts with
                   that of the worldwide Internet.

                   Censorship comes not from books
                   of law nor from religion,
                   it rears its ugly head, alas,
                   from deep in the hearts of men.

                   We took a vote, we think you're wrong,
                   though your opinions we respect.
                   That's how it is. We refuse to speak
                   your way:  "politically correct."

                   Richard Carl     (Copyright 1993)
                   Permission granted to circulate this in all media possible.

* The Grab Bag is a feature of quirky trivia from the Santa Cruz Comic News. *
* For more info on subscribing to this truly humorous cartoon-based paper,   *
* send email privately to me, adp3s@msu.edu, NOT to the Humor listserv.      *

Among baby birds of prey, you can assume the females are those with big feet.

Q:  I know the first thing a man notices about a woman is her figure. But
    what's the first thing a woman notices about a man?
A:  His eyes -- they show her whether he notices her. That report with
    analysis is from the hidden-camera researchers.

Q:  Why do a woman's feet get bigger after the birth of her first child?
A:  When that happens--and it does happen to some--it's because the childbirth
    hormones that enlarge the elastic pelvis ligament do the same to ligaments
    in the feet.

Q:  If a mouse gets into a beehive, how do the bees get it out?
A:  They sting it to drive it out. But if stings kill it before it can escape,
    they coat it with propolis, or "bee glue." It hardens into a tough brown
    coating so it's tightly sealed in its own varnished coffin. Just another
    piece of hive furniture.

It was most common among early teachers to insist pencils shouldn't have
erasers, so students wouldn't allow themselves to make mistakes.

Q:  What proportion of the men are sexually active at age 70?
A:  About 14 out of 20, report the sexologists. They don't report how active.

An old law of Rochester, Minnesota stipulates that you can't go swimming in a
public pool unless police inspect your bathing suit.

In only one society worldwide are the people known to be entirely free from
cancer:  the Hunzas of northwest Kashmir. That has been reported repeatedly
over the last couple of decades. But the why of it remains a mystery.
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 16:26:51 -0400
From:         Arthur Emerson III <ae3@CTS1.MSMC.EDU>
Subject:      Onsite Service Technicians Nightmare (fwd)

A co-worker recently forwarded this to me.  It came from somewhere on the
net.  Anyone who supports computers or office equipment will appreciate
the humor in this.

> How to get better service for your computer or printer
>
> 1.  Do not call for a  technician until everyone concerned has had time
> to form an opinion as to what is wrong.  Allow each person the chance to
> correct the problem.  Whenever possible all electronic pots and
> adjusting screws should be turned.
>
> 2.  After several days, when the computer/printer malfunction has become
> a major emergency, place an urgent call for a technician.  Fridays are
> best, but anytime after 4 p.m. is OK.
>
> 3.  Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is
> wrong.  Suggestions on how to fix the computer/printer will be welcomed
> by the technician.
>
> 4.  Hide the service logbook that is found next to the computer/printer.
>  Make several references to the log and ask why he isn't using it.
>
> 5.  Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly
> technical questions which are in no way related to the immediate
> problem.
>
> 6.  The computer/printer should be as dirty and greasy as possible.  A
> mixture of oil and pencil sharpener shavings work well.  If the problem
> area has electrical components, add staples and paper clips.
>
> 7.  Assign someone to supervise the repair.  A person who has never seen
> the computer/printer before is preferred.  Bad breath is a big plus.
>
> 8.  Be sure that the lights are off in the room where the device is to
> be repaired.  A good technician can fix them blindfolded.
>
> 9.  The minute the technician arrives, ask what caused the delay.  Make
> it clear that he should have arrived two days ago.  Before he can
> answer, ask him when the computer/printer will be back in service.
>
> 10. As soon as the technician starts to work on the device, have all
> personnel go over one at a time,  and ask when it will be ready to use.
>
> 11. If the technician goes back to his shop for a new part, try and use
> the device.  All  those parts  that he has removed may not really be
> needed.
>
> 12. When the repair is completed, tell the technician what a swell job
> he did.  Tell him that the job should be swell, it took long enough.
>
> 13. After the technician is gone, call his supervisor and tell him that
> the machine is now worst then it was before.  Follow up with a letter to
> the owner of the service company.

-Arthur
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 15:27:32 -0500
From:         Victor Jockin-2 <jockin@MAROON.TC.UMN.EDU>
Subject:      Last Wishes.  Offensive to 17th century European explorers.

A primitive tribe captures three European explorers and informs them that
they will be killed, but have one last wish each.  The first one asks for
a cigar, figuring they won't have one, but they come up with one, kill the
guy, and use his skin to make a canoe.

Dismayed by this, the next guy asks to have sex with the chief's wife,
figuring they won't let him, but they do, kill him, and use his skin to
make a another canoe.

The third guy asks for a fork, since he thinks that they have no modern
eating utensils, but the chief produces a fork.  The guy takes the fork
and, violently and repeatedly poking himself, yells "Well then so much for
your fucking canoe!!"
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Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 19:44:14 PDT
From:         PG#1179 <DJMCGRATH@FAB10.INTEL.COM>
Subject:      REVOLTING

 The story goes as follows:

 This guy walks into a bar in the middle of the sahara desert.He is dying
 of thirst,but has no money on him.He asks the barman for a drink,but the
 barman refuses him because he has no money.
 The Barman says "see that spitoon over in the corner,well if you take
 a gulp out of that i will buy you a drink".
 The guy has no choice but to put the spitoon to his lips.he starts to drink
 it but he doesent stop.
 The barman reminds him that he only has to take one gulp,but the guy just
 keeps on going untill he is finished.
 The barman asks him why dident he stop.
 The Guy replys "I couldent..it was all one big lump!"

     Darren McGrath
                    DJMCGRATH@FAB10.INTEL.COM
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