Digest for Thursday, October 21, 1993

There are 26 messages totalling 940 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Bad for boys
  2. Bedroom golf (Rating: Mild R)
  3. Sex Jokes
  4. Tagline from the Internet
  5. stereotypical joke
  6. Soap Dilema
  7. Offensive to big low pressure systems
  8. zap
  9. "Im from the Bronx"
  10. "G" rated button saying
  11. true story
  12. Jewish joke -- possibly offensive but I doubt it
  13. Gas, nits, and yesterdays conversation
  14. Life 2.Q A collection of clean humor gather on: 8 Feb 88
  15. Maybe slightly offensive to bird lovers
  16. Wasted Resources/Missed Opportunities (G)
  17. fw:Top Ten List for 10/19/93 (fwd)
  18. most out of a dime..PG-13
  19. Secretaries (G) and Sex (R for language)
  20. Re: First Post
  21. Amusement Analysis
  22. AIDS joke
  23. Groaner - Clean
  24. Punny jokes and a dirty limerick
  25. response to Limerick abot Venus
  26. Re: GRUESOME PUNSY


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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 10:34:59 KOR
From:         MAJ Bart D. Cook <bcook@SEOUL-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject:      Bad for boys <clean>

Computer Magazine gossip columnist Robert X. Cringely wrote in the October
4, 1993 issue about a greeting card sent to him by his (at that time
estranged) girlfriend.  It said:

"It takes a mighty good man to be better than no man at all."

Bart
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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 21:34:06 EST
From:         Pfabulous Phantom <S922@NMUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Bedroom golf (Rating: Mild R)

=======================================================MON OCT 11, 1993
10.40.14
A guy at work gave me this.  I thought the people at freetalk and others
might enjoy it.

OFFICIAL RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.  Normally, one
club and two balls.

2) Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.

4) For more effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.  Course
owners are permitted to check the shaft for stiffness before play
begins.

5) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.  Failure to do
so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

6) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

7) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.  Upset
course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this
reason.

8) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

9) Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first
time.  Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else playing what they considered to be a private course.

10) Players should not assume a course in in shape for play at all
times.  Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course
temporarily under repair.  Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation.  More advanced players will find alternate means of
play when this is the case.

11) Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.

12) Slow play is encouraged.  However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace (temporarily) at the course owner's request.

13) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.

14) The course owner will be the judge of who is the best player.

NOTE: Players are advised to think twice before considering membership
at a given course.  Additional assessments may be levied by the course
owner and the rules are subject to change.  For this reason, many
players prefer to continur to play several different courses.

Best Wishes,

Dwayne N. (s922@NMUMUS.BITNET)
Northern  Michigan  University
------------------------------------------------------------------  37

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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 16:50:49 EST
From:         Joel OConnor <X7KG@SLUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Sex Jokes

This is my first joke posting, so I'll be suprised if it even makes
it on the net because I probably typed the adress wrong.

Fred, a middle-aged working class man, was recently married to an 18
year-old, gorgeous swimsuit model.  Fred had a problem though, he hadn't
been able to get it up for a while, and he was becoming, quite
obviously, frustrated.  He secretly visited dozens of doctors hoping
one would have some kind of cure, but all attempts came to naught

Finally, one day, out of desperation, he visited a witch-doctor to see
if he had any incantations or potions that would work.  The witch-doctor
did, indeed, have a potion for Fred's problem, and told him to drink it.
   "Now, you only get three hard-ons from this dosage," said the witch-
doctor, " and to activate them, you must say 'beep-beep'!!"

Fred was skeptical at first, but soon, his curiostity overcame him, and
he went into a back alley and said, "beep-beep."

Sure enough, he had the longest, hardest penis he had ever had in his
life.  He was thrilled!!!  He began to rush home.  In his carelessness,
he ran across a road in front of a car.  "beep-beep," went the car, and
another of Fred's hard-ons was wasted.  He plugged his ears and
carefully walked home.

He finally got home and found his wife on the couch in a seductive
piece of undergarment, watching the TV.
   "Oh honey!!...," he said.
   "WAIT!" she said, "Here comes the Roadrunner!!!!"

****************************

Bobby's parents were divorced, and he lived with his mother.  After the
divorce, Bobby would often walk by his mother's room at night and see
her lying naked on her bed, stroking and rubbing her body saying:
   "I need a man, I need a man..."

This went on for several weeks, and Bobby began to think nothing of it.

Then, one night, Bobby walked by his mother's room, and saw a man on top
of her.  Bobby quickly raced to his room, tore off all his clothes,
started stroking and rubbing his body, saying:
   "I need a bike, I need a bike..."

ENJOY!!

  -Joel O'Connor           X7KG@SLUMUS.BITNET       St Lawrence Univ.

"If I was a booger, would you blow your nose?  Would you keep it?
Would you eat it?"  - the Lemonheads
=========================================================================

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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 18:16:03 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Tagline from the Internet

Judge not a carpenter on how fast the chips fly.
Don't play "stupid" with me... I'm better at it.
Be right & fear no man.  Don't write & fear no woman.
A rock ----->me<----- A hard place.
"Tourist Season" : When it's OK to shoot them.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces every time.
=========================================================================

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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 16:41:25 EST
From:         HRGY000 <HRGY@MUSICB.MCGILL.CA>
Subject:      stereotypical joke

Joke time:  What's 50 feet long, purple, and has an asshole in
the middle?
-- A turban
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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 16:25:03 EDT
From:         Rich Elkins <GEELKINS@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Soap Dilema

Well, the thing says not to post anything more than 100 lines to the list
and instead to just say on here that if you want it, send me private mail
and  I will send it to you.
I have this posting I got off another list which chronicles the mail between
a man who was staying at a london hotel and the hotel itself having to do
with those little soaps you get in hotels.
It is immencely funny and just under 200 lines total, but I think that is due
to the number of resends in the top part which I should edit out.
So if you want it...mail me. I am new on the list.
Michael at Notre Dame who told me about the list: I thought I had your
address,
 but accidentally erased it. Send me it again and i will send you this
posting.
That is all.
Rich

RICH ELKINS   346 GARRETT HALL, EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY
DEPARTMENT OF GEOGRAPHY AND PLANNING
GREENVILLE, NC 27858   (919) 931-8178
BITNET: GEELKINS@ECUVM1   INTERNET: GEELKINS@ECUVM.CIS.ECU.EDU
VAX: GEELKINS@ECUVAX.CIS.ECU.EDU  (FOR INTERACTIVE STUFF)
"I ONCE THOUGHT THAT I WAS WRONG...BUT I WASN'T."
=========================================================================

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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 13:07:43 -0800
From:         Graves, Mark A. <graves@SPCOM.COM>
Subject:      Offensive to big low pressure systems

Mike McGovern, a writer, objected to having a destructive hurricane named
after
his sweet niece, Emily.  So in yesterday's NY Times, he submitted the
following
list of more appropriate hurricane names and how these storms might behave:

Hurricane Clinton - Moves right, then left again
Hurricane Gergen - Spins uncontrollably
Hurricane Powell - Heads directly for the White House
Hurricane Nunn - Travels only in a straight line
Hurricane Bush - Completely misses Middle America
Hurricane Perot - Small but annoying
Hurricane Dole - Eliminates roads, bridges and schools; spares only Kansas
Hurricane Madonna - Leaves clothes strewn everywhere
Hurricane Oprah - Gets smaller, then bigger again
Hurricane Letterman - Appears an hour earlier than expected
Hurricane Chevy - Fades almost immediately
Hurricane Wallace - Hard-hitting but lasts only 60 minutes
Hurricane Heidi - Blows the lid off Hollywood studios
Hurricane Jordan - Stops abruptly at its peak
Hurricane Dykstra - Devastates Atlanta and Toronto**
Hurricane Foreman - Devours everything in sight
Hurricane Steinbrenner - Threatens to move towards New Jersey
Hurricane Trump - Uproots giant maples
Hurricane Milken - Leaves a trail of junk
Hurricane Buttafuoco - Hits Long Island high schools
Hurricane Tailhook - Leaves nothing untouched
** - Sender's Note.... Not so sure about Toronto yet.
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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 13:40:31 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      zap

A habit obscene and unsavory
holds the bishop of Boston is slavery
Midst hooting and howls
he deflowers young owls
Which he keeps in an underground aviary.

here's a little ditty from 'Slaughterhouse 5' that my friends and I are
fond of:

My name is Yon Yohnson
I work in Wisconsin
I work at the lumbermill there
The people I meet
when I walk down the street
they say:
"what's your name?"
and I say:

My name is Yon Yohnson
I work in Wisconsin
I work at the lumbermill there
The people I meet
when I walk down the street
they say:
"What's your name?"
and I say:

My name is Yon Yohnson......

(and on ad infinitum, or till you get bored.)
I did post the Slaughterhouse 5 limerick already, didn't I?
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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 13:34:41 -0500
From:         JANET AMES <JANETA@PSC.PLYMOUTH.EDU>
Subject:      "I'm from the Bronx"

A man that lives in the Bronx gets tired of the rat race and buys a
place way off in the boonies of Vermont. He is twenty miles from
his nearest neighbor. After a while, he begins to get lonely. One day
a man walks up his driveway. "Howdy, I'm you neighbor. I live twenty
miles down the road. I'm having a party tomorrow night and I'd like
to invite you". Well, the guy from the Bronx gladly accepts "That sounds
great, I would love to come". So the man starts to head back down the
driveway and he stops and turns "Gotta warn ya tho - there's gonna be
liquor". The man from the Bronx says "Hey no problem - I'm from the
Bronx - I'm used to people getting drunk". "Awright" says the man and he
walks a little further and turns around "Gotta warn ya tho - it's
gonna get rowdy and there will probably be some violence". The man from
the Bronx says "Hey no problem - I'm from the Bronx - I'm used to
people fighting". "Awright" says the man and he walks a little further
and turns around "Gotta warn ya tho - there's gonna be sex". The man
from the Bronx says "Hey no problem - I'm from the Bronx - people there
do it right in the street". "Awright" says the man and he walks down the
driveway. The man from the Bronx is excited about the party and he thinks,
wow there is going to be liquor, fighting, and sex. He hollers to the
man "Hey, by the way, how many people are going to be at this party?"
The man turns around at the end of the driveway and says "Just you and me".
=========================================================================

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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 12:59:19 -0400
From:         Mike Shockley <MSHOCKLE@DREW.BITNET>
Subject:      "G" rated button saying

Seen on a button:   A woman without a man is like a fish
                    without a bicycle.
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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 12:51:00 EST
From:         JEFF HUBBARD <HUBBARD@CRNLGSM.BITNET>
Subject:      true story

I received the following this morning; thought I'd share it.
I don't know how anybody could possibly be offended by it, but I sure
hope it offends someone, because I'd really love to spend another day
reading messages from hypersensitive types who think cute little
third-grade riddles are the only acceptable form of humor.

>------------------------------- Message Contents
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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 11:38:49 CDT
From:         John White <RFWHITEJ@WKYUVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Jewish joke -- possibly offensive but I doubt it

During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself
to her her first real vacation in Florida.  Being unfamiliar with the area,
she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.

"Excuse me," she said to the manager.  "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd
like a small room for two weeks."

"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied."

Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.

"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein.  "Now there's a room."

"Not so fast, madame.  I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted.  No Jews
allowed."

"Jewish?  Who's Jewish?  I happen to be Catholic."

"I find that hard to beleive.  Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"

"Jesus, Son of Mary."

"Where was he born?"

"In a stable."

"And why was he born in a stable?"

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel."

=========================================================================

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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 11:30:56 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Gas, nits, and yesterday's conversation

        "Stop trying to censor," they bade.
        "Let vulgarity through," they said.
        I wish I could get through their heads
        I just want "Subject" properly made.

        I know full well I'm not able
        To censor your lustful fables --
        I only request that you label
        Them right for the contents table.

        Now as for the rest of this letter
        I would like to state what I prefer.
        I find clever humor is better
        Than keeping one's brain in the gutter.

[Phew! It's a lot easier to argue in verse with the Malay Pantun form...
 English is such an un-rhythmic language in comparison!]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How much nit could a nit pick pick if a nit pick could pick nits?

A: That's how *many* nits!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[Note: "I" in this isn't me but whoever wrote this.]
This is a true incident...

This morning I went to the gas station on my way to work.  As I was
getting ready to leave a nice looking lady pulled up next to me in a
Firebird.  The pump were located on the passenger side of the car.
She got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side to
unlock her gas cap.  I could plainly see that the tank was on the
driver's side of the car.  After a few seconds of looking (with a
confused look on her face) she walked to the back of the car, stared
then walked back to the driver's side where she noticed the tank.  I
couldn't help but laugh a little.  She got back in her car and
proceeded to turn around.  Instead of pulling back into the spot she
was before she went to the other side of the pump -- meaning the
pump was still on the passenger side of the car.  She got out again,
walked around to the passenger side and looked for the tank.  She
looked really confused this time.  She walked back around to the
driver side and looked at the tank.  She looked as if she wanted to
say "How the hell did that get over here??"

As I drove away I noticed her get back in her car and drive off.
Guess she didn't need gas that bad.
=========================================================================

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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 08:43:37 PDT
From:         Henry Cate <Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM>
Subject:      Life  2.Q  A collection of clean humor gather on: 8 Feb 88

Borrowed and modified from Arkady Shevchenko's  autobiography.

        A man walks into Red Square on day screaming "Gorbachov's an idiot!
    Gorbachov's an idiot."  Well, the KGB chased him around for awhile until
they   finally caught him.  They immediately took him to court where the
judge decided on his sentence.  The poor fellow was given exactly 10 years
and seven days in  jail.  Two days for disturbing the peace,  five days for
insulting the leader,  and ten years for revealing a state secret!!!

     An inspector was making the rounds of the communal farms in his district,
and he approached a potato farmer. "How was the potato harvest this season,
comrade?" he demanded.  "Excellent, excellent," exclaimed the farmer, "our
potatoes could be piled high enough to reach the toe of God!"  A bit taken
aback, the inspector said, "But comrade, this is the Soviet Union; there
is no God."   Replied the farmer, "That's no problem, because there aren't
any potatoes, either."

     "In News, there is no truth; and in Truth there is no news."
I guess it makes more sense in russian.. Pravda is truth, and Isvestia is
news.  The two big Soviet papers: Pravda and Isvestia.

     Seems the Department of Information Services (Ministry of Propaganda) was
o
ut
in the field, taking 'the Rewolution" to the people: explaining the
fundamentals

of Socialism to the populace to bolster popularity. A member of the Department
was out talking to a farmer in Siberia...
Official: So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way Marx explained: "From each
   according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." You
understand?
Farmer: (confused) Nyet...
O: OK. Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him and
   give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Rewolution. You see?
F: (Happily) Da, Da! Iz good!
O: And if a comrade has two tractors, ve take one of his tractors and give to
   man who has no tractors. Da?
F: (Very excited) Da! Da! Is WERY good!
O: And if a comrade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no
   cheekens. Da?
F: Nyet! Iz not good!
O: Vy iz not good?
F: (Despondently) I have two cheekens...

     A badger is quietly walking through Red Square.  He sees two rabbits,
running just as fast as they can, come from one street.
Badger:  "Wait!  Why are you running!?"
Rabbit 1: "The KGB is arresting all the camels!"
Badger: "But you're rabbits!"
Rabbit 2: "Yeah, but try telling the KGB that!"
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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 10:29:16 CST
From:         Weasel <JEFF@CODVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Maybe slightly offensive to bird lovers

   A man walks into a hardware store and tells the guy behind the
   counter "I need the smallest file you've got. It's for my parakeet."
   The hardware dude pulls out a tiny file. "Will this be small enough?".
   "That'll be just fine" says the man and starts to leave.
   "Wait!" shouts the hardware guy, "What's the file got to do with
   your parakeet?"
   "Well, the damn thing can't sing. I'm going to file down its beak
   so it'll be able to sing like it should."
   "Aren't you afraid that if you file its beak the bird will not
   be able to eat and will starve to death?" asks the hardware guy. /\ /\
   "No. I know just how to do it. Everything will be fine".          . .
   The man leaves.                                                   /"\
   LATER THAT WEEK .....................................(much later)..
   The hardware guy sees the man walking down the block, runs out the
   door and calls him over.
   "How's your bird? Does he sing now that you've filed its beak?"
   "Well no. It's dead."
   "I TOLD YOU SO! You filed its beak, it couldn't eat and it starved
   to death! Right?"
   "Not exactly. It was dead when I took it out of the vise."
=========================================================================

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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 10:59:41 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <ligas@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject:      Wasted Resources/Missed Opportunities (G)

Wasted Resources/Missed Opportunities

by A. Kohn and F Fish
Orgenics, Yavne, Israel

In the July 6, 1992, issue of Time International we are informed
that the World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that 100 million acts
of human sexual intercourse occur each day but that only 910,000 of
them result in conception. The rest are simply wasted. Thus more
than 99 million acts of intercourse are squandered and have no
practical results except momentary pleasure for the participants.

If one takes into account the volume of the lost sperm, assuming at
least 5 mL per act of intercourse, we may calculate that about
5 x 10E-3 x 99 x 10E6 or 500 cubic meters of fertil fluid are wasted
per day. This brings the number to 15,000 cubic meters per month!

Assuming that the need for irrigation of an acre or agricultural land
in arid areas is about 40 cubic meters per acre per month, we find
that the available volume of sperm would be sufficient to irrigate,
as well as fertilize, about 350 acres of land.

In addition, the squandered acts of intercourse require energy that
may be calculated to be equivalent to about 300 kcal per act of
intercourse. Thus the redundant energy--if properly harnessed--
would be sufficient to operate a power station and to supply
1500 mW/day, enough for a city the size of New York.

These energy calculations can be made more accessible to the
layperson. Let us say that the starter motor in your car has a
power requirement of 500W. Thus the energy wasted on nonproductive
acts of intercourse would be sufficient to start three million
cars. If you cannot start your car on a cold morning in winter,
think of your neighbors having wasted all that energy the night
before, enjoying themselves with their partners.

-----------------------

Copyright 1993 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.

Reproduced with permission from The Journal Of Irreproducible
Results. US subscriptions are $21. Contact Blackwell Scientific
Publications at 1-800-759-6102. Contributions of articles are
also welcome: contact J.I.R. at POB 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238
=========================================================================

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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 11:12:41 -0400
From:         Amy L. Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      fw:Top Ten List for 10/19/93 (fwd)

=================================
Top Ten Signs You Have a Dumb Dog
=================================

10. Lengthy pause after "bow" while it tries to remember "wow"
 9. Buries tail, wags bones
 8. When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat-by-products
 7. Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day
 6. Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in catface
 5. Has suffered over two dozen concussions from toilet seat falling on his
    head
 4. Thinks "Snausages" is a real word
 3. Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's Gopher, because he really thought he'd
    be a good Congressman
 2. Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny
    horse-and-carriage to come out
 1. Constantly chasing people named "Katz"
=========================================================================

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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 10:05:14 -0400
From:         LITTLE_ONE <LYONSWI@HSDWL.UTC.COM>
Subject:      most out of a dime..PG-13

From:   HSDWL::LYONSWI      "LITTLE_ONE" 21-OCT-1993 10:03:22.90
To:     LYONSWI
CC:
Subj:

subject: Never Underestimate The Value of A Dime [pg-13]

        A polack and a wop were discussing how far each could make a
stretch,and agreed to try. They met a few days later to see who got
the most out of their dime.
        The polack brought a cigar and burned one-third the first day
and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the
ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and saved the ashes. The
following day he gave the ashes to his wife to use for her rose garden
as fertilizer. He told the wop,"I know you can't beat that for
stretching a dime."
        The wop said,"I have you beat.I bought an Italian sausage for
my dime.The first day I ate one-half,and the second day I ate the
other half.The third day I used the skin for a rubber.The fourth day
I took a crap in the skin and sewed it up.The fifth day I took it back
to the butcher and told him it smelled like crap,and he gave me my
money back.

note: The butcher put it back in the showcase and sold it to the
polack as kielbasa.
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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 10:13:22 -0400
From:         SSgt Sel Scott C. McClaren <mcclars@WPDIS01.WPAFB.AF.MIL>
Subject:      Secretaries (G) and Sex (R for language)

Two quick bits of humor:

Secretarial Work

Mr.  Smith got himself a new secretary.  She was young, sweet and
polite.  One day while taking dictation, she noticed Mr.  Smith's fly
was down.  When leaving the room, she said, "Mr Smith, do you know
your barracks door is open?" He did not understand her comment but
later discovered his zipper open.  He decided to have some fun with
his new secretary and called her into his office.  "Miss Jones, when
you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier
standing at attention?" She immediately replied, "Why no, Mr.  Smith,
all I saw was a little disable veteran sitting on two duffel bags!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Three Kinds of Sex

House Sex ===> When you are newly married and have sex all over the
               house in every room.

Bedroom Sex==> After you've been married for a while, you just have
               sex in the bedroom.

Hall Sex ====> After you've been married for many years, you just
               pass each other in the hall and say, "Fuck you!"
=========================================================================

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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 14:24:16 +0100
From:         Dirk VanGulik <dirk.vangulik@CEN.JRC.IT>
Subject:      Re: First Post

There is this texan guy, got lucky, both some land in texas, and when he
hammered in the first pole for his fence, oil started squirting out... rather
than staying the farmer he was, he deceided to go into oil... got rich... old
american dream.

got richer... got senslessly rich... got mindboggeling rich... anyway....
after he started realizing that there was only one dick and one stomach to
satisfy and that there are some limits to that... so he went to his only and
best trusted friend and he asked him about his live, and what he could best do
with all his accumulated wealth.

After pondering deeply and after some lovely dinners, his friend finally came
up with an anwer. "You know, there is this organ bank in Swiss, they've made
those transplants possible... I mean brain transplants... and to be quite
frank with you, that is something you might need... because, well, you know.."

This guy understands the hint, something he was always already worried about
ant takes the SAS to geneva. There he enters this big building and right in
the reception there is already the first lovely brain, exposed under some nice
spotlight, and a mable pedestal... oh love !

He registers at the desk and some comes and meet him to discuss his wishes.
This woman shows him the first braimg "This is a lovely brain, quite clever,
fits anybody, reliable, patient, sells at about 1.5 million, excluding
transplant costs of course.." Hmmm the texan quite likes what he sees, but
after a while a bit reluctand he asks, hmm yhea, but have you got anything a
bit more, hmm special ?. He is guided to the next brain, this one belonged to
a well know professor, good shape, died in a traffic accident, about 10
million... hmm this getting better and better, the Texan things, but anything
bigger ?-

Even that is possible, but he is warned that they are talking big money now,
but anyway they bring him to this safeguarded vault, and there, in formaline,
this most gorgeous brain is awaiting him, the brain of a noble price winner,
the price ? fabulous!... The texan is just about to settle for this one, when
a tine bit of doubt creeps in; "And anything even Bigger ?"

There is some confusion, the manager is called, and after some delibration and
vetting is bank accounts, they tell him that there actually is something even
better, unique...

They guide him back to the reception... to the marble pedestal, Oh and it is
love on second sight... this is the brain he is going for... and he ask, how-
much... and after a while, and whom did this brain belong to ?

They company people are a bit hesitant about the first question, but the
second question: "Oh, this lovely brain, best of our collection, yes mesieur
is quite an expert, it is indeed the best we have ! It once belonged to a JRC
worker, and so it has never been used !

(Note for the Americansg JRC=Joint Research Centre of the European Community,
 some sort huge international research institute for the european
gouvernemnt.)

Dirk.vangulik@cen. JRC .italy
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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 09:11:48 EST
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <ADKO@NMUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Amusement Analysis

I am a young lass that agrees
To posting whatever you please
But I hasten to caution
To make use the option
To "Subject" appropriately.

The humor that suits a young child
Or offends both the meek and the mild
All has it's place
Regardless of taste
Provided ONE person has smiled.

I see many jokes as disgusting
And some are quite crude in their lusting
Some are quite stupid
And prejudiced rooted
And some so archaic they're rusting.

But whatever I may find amusing
Would not be of everyone's choosing
And to dictate the gist
Of what goes to the list
Is the mark of freedom abusing.

So in closing this short disseration
I appeal for more toleration
To consider the half
That what makes one laugh
Is a strange and bizzare compilation.

Kathleen Olivier
ADKO@NMUMUS
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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 08:14:32 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <chibnik@REACH.COM>
Subject:      AIDS joke

This old man takes his wife to the doctor.  After the examination, the doctor
takes the man aside and says: "I've got some bad news for you.  Your wife
either

has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease, but I can't tell which."  "That's terrible,"
says the man, "what should we do?"  "Well," replies the doctor, "I'll give you
a

thirty minute head start before I send her home.  And if she makes it, don't
fuck her!!!"
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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 07:52:00 -0400
From: Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642 <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      Groaner - Clean

Before the groaner, a few days ago I put up a post regarding what famous or
well known people would say regarding the question "Why did the chicken cross
the road?" I don't know about you folks, but I find such things humorous and
would like to see what you guys can come up along similar lines.

This Native American chief had all of his sons take sailing lessons. When
asked why he did this, he replied, "I've always wanted red sons in the sail
set."
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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 07:32:16 -0400
From:         Dale Schroyer <SCHROYE@HSDWL.UTC.COM>
Subject:      Punny jokes and a dirty limerick

A set of monks with a cart of flowers comes to a devout town in Italy. Being
good catholics they buy all the flowers. The next week the monks are back with
another cart of flowers which again the townspeople purchase. One town leader
named Hugh gets wary and checks into the monks. He finds out they are fakes.
So
when the monks come back the next week with their cart of flowers, Hugh runs
them out of town.

The moral to the story?

ONLY HUGH CAN STOP FLORIST FRIARS.

A king deciedes to bring culture to his kingdom by having his daughter learn
the

piano. A famous piano teacher is hired and soon teaches the princess to play
devinely. So the king wants to have a concert for all the people. The piano
teacher tells him before the concert the piano should be tuned and tuned by
the
most famous piano tuner Oper Knockity. Also Oper Knockity doesn't make castle
calls so you have to send the piano to him. The king has the piano loaded on a
wagon, taken to Oper Knockity, and tuned. But on the way back, the wagon hits
a
bump, and the jerking of the wagon drives the piano out of tune. "Well just
send

it back to Oper Knockity" says the king. "You can't do that" says the piano
teacher, "EVERYONE KNOWS OPER KNOCKITY ONLY TUNES ONCE!"

There once was a young man from trent.
Whose cock was exceedingly bent
What was he to do
He folded it in two
And instead of cuming he went.
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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 10:09:40 +0100
From:         Matthew James Ellis <matthew@CORAL.CSB.KI.SE>
Subject:      response to Limerick abot Venus

        Bleh! I was offended to see the lyrics of a great sex pistols song
misquoted and put on this list as a Limerick...:-

The correct version is:-

        We were on the good ship Venus
        By christ you should have have seen us
        The figure head was a whore in bed
        and the mast was the Captains penis

        and the another verse:-

        The captain of the saga
        He was a dirty bugger
        He wasn't fit to shovel shit
        From one place to another

and now gor a decent joke:-

A burgular was wandering round the living room of a house, collecting
swag, as burgulars do...when he heard a voice say "STOP THAT OR JESUS WILL
PUNISH YOU...", he thought nothing of it and carried on collecting swag,
and the the voice spoke up again..."STOP THAT OR JESUS WILL PUNISH
YOU"....The burgular was now worried and looked wildly around the room
spotting a cage with a cover over it. He preocedded to lift the cover and
saw, to his relief, a parrot inside...

BURGULAR: Whats your name?

PARROT: Cecil

BURGULAR: Thats a funny name for a parrot

PARROT: Yes, and Jesus is a funny name for a Rottweiler too
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Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 09:34:35 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Re: GRUESOME PUNSY

I usually prefer to hang about and take the occasional *stab*
I am somewhat mortified that this list can carrion (Ooops! that was
 "carry on") such a limbless discussion... Can't we see its drowning
 all the other discussions?

]-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--

On a new subject, what sort of drive ins are there..?

We came up with...

        Drivr in movies (classic)
        Drive in fastfood (MacDon, etc)
        Drive in Banks
        Drive in Weddings,

Anymore, please. If it is not so easy to see how it works, please
describe!
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