Digest for Wednesday, October 20, 1993

There are 41 messages totalling 1007 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Subjects Wanted!
  2. limerick (clean)
  3. Re: limerick (clean)
  4. limerick-=dirty
  5. Latin innuendo
  6. Kentucky Moms letter to her son
  7. Dolphins/Elvis
  8. Rooster Bob
  9. A dirty joke
  10. A ship at sea.....
  11. Psychology pun
  12. Re: West Virginia living (mildly offensive to that states residents)
  13. Birthday
  14. offensive to those in monastic orders
  15. Bumper stickers
  16. Limrick (not meant to offend anyone, ok? *Smile* )
  17. in a perfect world...
  18. Favorite bumper sticker
  19. Bud scale (offensive to feminists)
  20. bumper stickers
  21. Symptoms of being an authority...
  22. Jack Schitt
  23. Crude sex joke!!
  24. POPEYE JOKE
  25. Re: "Beavis N-Buthead
  26. Re: GRUESOME PUNSY
  27. answers to the third "phrase game"
  28. limerick (sexual)
  29. Netiquette
  30. B & B
  31. old
  32. Hotel
  33. Re: limerick (NOT clean)
  34. Butthead and flaming and first-post and netiquette (but funny)
  35. Life 2.Q A collection of clean humor gather on: 8 Feb 88
  36. Re: Latin Innuendo...
  37. Redneck Christmas
  38. Then Dont Read It!
  39. Offensive Japanese
  40. Worm Problem (slightly offensive language)


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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 01:01:24 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Subjects Wanted!

I just saw this header:

From: jmatejko@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (matejkowski jason c)
Newsgroups: uiuc.classifieds
Subject: !!!SUBJECTS WANTED!!!
Date: 20 Oct 1993 01:35:25 GMT

Took a double-take... I wondered if it was complaining about people not
putting subjects in their posts... turns out it's "Subjects are needed
for a Psychology experiment investigating visual selective attention."
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 09:01:59 MET
From:         Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject:      limerick (clean)

This is a limerick I received from Linda "Snowhite" White who had to sign off
our list:

There was a young fellow of Ealing,
Endowed with such delicate feeling,
  When he read on the door,
  "Don't spit on the floor,"
He jumped up and spat on the ceiling.

--
Jan Kucera:  kuc@fce.vutbr.cz (or .cs)
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 12:17:24 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Re: limerick (clean)

On Wed, 20 Oct 1993 09:01:59 MET Jan Kucera said:
>
>This is a limerick I received from Linda "Snowhite" White who had to sign off
>our list:
>
>There was a young fellow of Ealing,
>Endowed with such delicate feeling,
>  When he read on the door,
>  "Don't spit on the floor,"
>He jumped up and spat on the ceiling.
>
>--
There was a slightly different version which Spike Milligan used to
tell:

There was a young girl from Darjeeling
Who got on a bus towards Ealing
It said on the door
Don't spit on the floor
So she got up and spat on the ceiling

Another of his:

I must go down to the seas again
to the lonely sea and the sky
I left my vest and socks there
I wonder if they're dry?

(apologies to John Masefield)

And:

Hush hush!
Whisper who dares!
Christopher Robin has fallen downstairs!

(apologies to A.A. Milne)
:))
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 07:27:54 CDT
From: Mike Boswell Mfg 4-6881 ~BHOSVWZ#097 <boswell@TIDALWAVE.MED.GE.COM>
Subject:      limerick-=dirty

There once was a man from Nantuckett
whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin as he wiped off his chin,
if my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it!
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 14:50:54 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      Latin innuendo

...and there's always the transposition of J Caesar's words on
conquering Britain: Veni vidi vici (I came, I saw, I conquered).

                   - Vidi vici veni -
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 10:10:06 -0400
From:         SSgt Sel Scott C. McClaren <mcclars@WPDIS01.WPAFB.AF.MIL>
Subject:      Kentucky Mom's letter to her son

Letter from a Kentucky Mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm alive.  I'm writing this letter
slowly cause I know you can't read very fast.  You won't know the
house when you come because we've moved.  I won't be able to send you
the address as the last Kentucky family that lived here took the
numbers off for their next house to they won't have to change their
address.  About your fater, he has a new job.  He has over 500 men
under him.  He's cutting the grass at the cemetary.  There was a
washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn't
working too good.  Last week, I put 14 shirts in it, pulled the chain,
and I haven't seen them since.  Your sister Mary had a baby this
morning.  I haven't found out if it's a boy or girl, so I don't know
if you're an aunt or an uncle.  Your uncle Dick drowned last week in
the distillery.  Some of the workers dove in to save him but he fought
them off bravely.  He had his body creamated and it took three days to
put out the fire.  Your father didn't have too much to drink this
Christmas.  I put a bottle of caster oil in a pint of beer.  It kept
him going until New Years Day.  I went to the doctor on Thursday and
your father came with me.  The doc put a small tube in my mouth and
told me not to open it for ten minutes.  Your father offered to buy it
>from him.  It only rained twice last week.  Three days the first time
and four the next.  Monday was so windy that one of our chickens laid
the same egg four times.  We got a letter from the undertaker
yesterday - he said that if the last statement isn't paid on your
grandmother's funeral within seven days, up she come!

Love,

Mother

P.S.  I was going to send you ten dollars but I had already sealed the
envelope.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 08:18:00 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Dolphins/Elvis

Three trained dolphins escaped from their performing pen
at a resort in Key Largo, Florida.  They were discovered
several days later in a lagoon off Key Biscayne, some
55 miles distant.  At 10 a.m., 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. they
performed tricks, apparently hoping to be fed on their
Key Largo schedule.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Industry Fact:  When Elvis Presley died in 1977 there were
                37 Elvis impersonators in the world.

                Today there are 48,000.

If the current trend continues,
by the year 2010, one out of every three
people in the world will be an Elvis impersonator.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 11:13:15 ADT
From:         Chris Turrell <C1VO@ACAD1.UNBSJ.CA>
Subject:      Rooster Bob

    Willy the farmer decided to buy a rooster for his 500 hens. He
asked for an energetic one to keep his hens happy. He went home with
Rooster Bob. Willy put Bob with the Hens for the night and went to
bed. When he came out the next morning there were 500 dead hens.
"Bob!", shouted the farmer, " you better slow down or you will fuck
yourself to death! ". " No way ",  replied Bob. " We'll see ", said
the farmer and he went out and bought 500 more hens. Then next day,
same story, 500 dead hens. " Bob! slow down or you will fuck yourself
to death! ", said the farmer. Bob only asked for more. The farmer ,
fed up now, went out and bought 1000 hens. " This will show him. He
can't  kill all these! " he thought to himself. The next morning
Willy went out to check on the hens. Sure enough, 1000 dead hens.
He ran over to Bob and found him laying back , wings spread, vultures
flying overhead. Bob was dead. " I told you Bob, you would fuck
yourself to death." Bob said," SSSSHHHHHHHHHH! The vultures might
come down! "
------------------------
C1VO@acad1.unbsj.ca
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 10:20:38 -0400
From:         Dale Schroyer <SCHROYE@HSDWL.UTC.COM>
Subject:      A dirty joke

A father approached his 14 year old son and asks him what he wants most for
his birthday. The son replies, "I want to get laid Dad." The father says, "You
are still a bit young for that." He takes him out to the backyard and shows
him a tree with a knot hole in it. "Practice on this and we'll see next year,"
says the father.

The next year the father asks the same question and gets the same reply. The
father tells the son to practice on the knot hole for another year.

On his 16th birthday the son says, "Enough with the knot hole already, I am
ready for a woman!" The father agrees and takes the son into town to the local
cathouse. He tells the madam, "One for me and one for my son." The madam
replies

"You go up the stairs and turn left, your son goes up the stairs and turns
right." At the top of the stairs the father pauses to wish the son good luck
and then goes into the room with the whore. All of a sudden he hears terrible
screaming coming from the room where his son went. He runs over and bursts
into the room. There he sees his son with shoving a broomstick in and out of
the whore while she is screaming at the top of her lungs.

"What the f**k are you doing son?" yells the father.

"Checking for squirrels Dad" replies the son.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 11:46:04 -0400
From: Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject:      A ship at sea.....

        A Steamer developed trouble in one of its pressure valves in its
 engine room that caused an explosion.  The ship was sinking fast, but the
 crew acted swiftly to get the passengers off onto life rafts.  Finally,
 the crew started piling into the rafts.  When it got down to the last 3-man
 lifeboat, only the Captain and three of his crew were left behind.
        The Captain turned to his crew:  "I don't believe these stories
 about the captain going down with his ship, and since there is only enough
 room in this lifeboat for three of us, I'm going to aske each of you one
 question.  Whoever answers correctly can get into the lifeboat."
        The Captain addressed the first sailor: "What famous 'Unsinkable'
 ship went down after striking an iceburg?"
        The first sailor immediately responded, "The Titanic, sir!" and
 climbed into the lifeboat.
        Then the Captain asked the second sailor:  "How many people went
 down with the Titanic?"
        The second sailor immediately responded, "One thousand, three
 hundred and fourty-seven, Sir!" and climbed into the lifeboat.
        Turning to the last sailor, the Captain asked:
           "And what were their names?"
                                - James Bologna @ Bentley.Edu
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 11:02:44 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Psychology pun

  The great psychologist Dr. Horst Zilber was the first person to do a
  scientific study on the fundamental principle of human psychology that
  causes the herd instinct -- you know, the tendency of people in large
  groups to do the same thing that they would not do individually. He
  called it the "rinding" effect, because just as the rind of a fruit
  keeps it together as a cohesive whole, this psychological effect keeps
  mobs together. Well, western science being what it is, this effect got
  Dr. Zilber's name tacked on to it. So,

                  every crowd has a Zilber Rinding.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 12:23:51 EDT
From:         Tiffany Martin <tmartin@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: West Virginia living (mildly offensive to that state's residents)

In Reply to the "You Know You're From West Virginia WHEN:"

*The House Plans for your DREAM Home include the dimensions of 40 by 70.*
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 11:45:26 -0500
From:         Uwgb Bbs System <CSMAIL01@GBVAXA.UWGB.EDU>
Subject:      Birthday

A Beech tree and an Oak tree who had been living next to each other for some
time notice that a sapling has started growing between them.  They did not
like this so they called the wise old woodpecker over to give them a hand.
After they explained the situation to the woodpecker he flew down to
investigate.  A short time later he flew back and the trees asked if he could
help.  The woodpecker smiled and sayed he could not because he was now
involved with the sapling.  The tree's asked what he meant and the woodpecker
replied: "That is the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in."
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:05:41 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET>
Subject:      offensive to those in monastic orders

There was an order of cloistered monks who took a vow of silence. But
every year, once a year, on the same day, they were permitted to utter
aloud a single brief statement.

Well, one year, when the day arrived, Brother Dominic said, "The food
here really stinks, doesn't it?"

A year later, on the same day, Brother Francis said, "You know my cell
is really drafty."

Another year goes by, and Brother Benedict says, "You know, geting up
for services at three in the morning is a real drag."

Yet another year goes by, and on the great day, Abbott Bernard stands up
and says:
"That's IT! I've had it with this constant whining!"

Theresa Muir
tfd@cunyvms1.gc.cuny.edu
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:05:52 +0501
From:         Penny S. Ward <crunchy@GIBBS.OIT.UNC.EDU>
Subject:      Bumper stickers

Saw this bumper sticker this morning, which people from North Carolina
should be able to appreciate:

           N.C.:  First in Pavement
                  Last in Education

Also... You know those bumper stickers that say "I [heart] my poodle" (or
corgi or dachsund or doberman)?  I saw an ad for a mail order company
where you could buy stickers with a picture of a "screw" on them, to cover
up the "heart" and give the stickers a whole new meaning.

Penny
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 12:48:21 -0400
From:         SARAH M. LIBERMAN <LIBERMSA@HUGSE2.BITNET>
Subject:      Limrick (not meant to offend anyone, ok? *Smile* )

The credit for this one goes to my husband.  I thought it was cute when
he told me:

        There once was a man from Calcutta
        Who spoke with a terrible stutter.
        At dinner he said,
        "Please pass me the bread,
        and the b, b, b, b, b, b, butter."

Ooooh, just thought of another one I haven't seen posted on this yet:

        There once was a man from Quine
        Who had 3 wives at a time;
        When asked why a third,
        He said, "One is absurd!
        And Bigomy, dear sir, is a crime!"

Take care!

Sarah L.  *smile*
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:36:54 LCL
From:         Andy Mavrias <ANDYM@550SHERB.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject:      in a perfect world...


Most moral majorities I've seen, are neither moral, nor a majority.

On a George Carlin video I rented once, he made this comment in
reference to a southern baptist minister who was trying to ban a
certain radio program - "Lemme tell you something father, there are
two knobs on a radio; one of them changes the station, the other -
TURNS IT OFF!"
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 10:52:30 -0800
From:         LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU
Subject:      Favorite bumper sticker

A recent bumpersticker I saw may have some relevance to recent flames on this
list.

"If you can't change your mind,
    Are you sure you still have one"

Larry Richards
Internet: lrichards@ewu.edu
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:11:46 -0500
From:         Zinger Zahorik <943277AZ@GBVAXA.UWGB.EDU>
Subject:      Bud scale (offensive to feminists)

these three guys are sitting at a bar bored as hell so they decide to rate the
women as they walk by. So a good looking woman walks by and the first guy says
"she ain't bad. I give 'er a 7" Second guy explains "Ya hey, about a 8 for me"
And the third guy says "you're right, she is nice I give her a 1" The other
two look at him in shock. Another lovely struts by...."Wow, she's great, a 10
in my book"...."you got that right a 10 here too"....."yup, she's definitely a
2"....again they look at the last guy confused. Down the bar a former
centerfold hears what's going on and struts her stuff...."Oh my god!! She's
off the scale...a 12!"...."Man, she is way better than that....15!"......"Is
that all you can give her?  From me she gets a 4!" Now the centerfold heard
this and says "How can you sit there and give me a 4?!! I'm a former
centerfold for 3 different magazines! And you go and give me a 4!" So the man
explains "I don't use the same system they do. I use the Bud scale."  "So
what's the Bud scale?", she asks. "The Bud scale consists of the number of
Clydesdales it would take to pull you off of my face!"
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:00:00 CST
From:         Steve Bell <BELL_SW@BRUTUS.VOUGHT.COM>
Subject:      bumper stickers

        It's now official:
        Jimmy Carter is no longer the worst president the U.S. ever had.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:41:52 EDT
From:         Larry Kyrala <larry_kyrala@VNET.IBM.COM>
Subject:      Symptoms of being an authority...

The Medical Institute identified a strange new condition that
turns people into authorities.  Skeptics claim that this condition
has been around for some time, but unfortunately, there is still
no known cure for the condition.

A Samali doctor's alleged cure for the disorder was exposed as
a hoax earlier this week, in spite of his continued support for
the "decapitation" method.

If you suffer from any of the following symptoms, you should
see your doctor as soon as possible.  Although there is no cure
at this point, there is treatment availible that can prolong
the more serious side-effects of this illness.

   *  You start taking yourself seriously

   *  You start taking others seriously

   *  You find yourself using more than 50 politically
      correct terms per day

   *  You no longer doubt your opinions

   *  You find yourself on the top of the evolutionary ladder

   *  Everybody listens to you

   *  Nobody understands you

   *  You're sure you've said something, but when asked,
      you can't remember what it was about

   *  You feel so confident about your own life, that
      you start to live other people's lives for them as well

   *  Talk is cheap, but you make other people pay for yours anyway

   *  You find yourself flying with only one wing...
      the left or the right, it doesn't matter

   *  You can't follow instructions anymore

   *  When people laugh at you, you say "that's not funny"

   *  You forget to post humor on the HUMOR list

______________________________________________________________________________
_

 "If people thought he wasn't half as funny as
  he thought he was, I think they wouldn't
  have thought to think..."
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:49:13 -0400
From:         Nigel H. Mendez <nhmen@MVAX.CC.CONNCOLL.EDU>
Subject:      Jack Schitt

Enough already about the "Bad taste" jokes....Buddy I hate to say it but
everything in this world is offensive to somebody.  The idea behind this
list is to provide humor to people, not to preach morals.  If you do not
agree with what is posted, signoff.  Most of the items posted are funny,
some you might think are out of line, and you might be right, but most are
indeed funny.  You are not required to be on this list, so deal with it or
get off.

Back to the point of this list, I am sure that some of you out there have
had somebody tell you that you do not know "Jack Shit"..but the problem is
that knowbody, until know, has introduced you to him..so here it is.
Enjoy.

                   So You Don't Know Jack Schitt?

Well, he's the only son of Awh and Oh Schitt.
Awh, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh, the owner of the Kneedeep Inn.
Jack, married Noe.
They produced six children. Holy, thier firs, passed on shortly after birth.
Next came twin sons, Deep and Dip, two daughters, Fulla and Giva, and
another son, Bull.
Deep married Dumb, a high school dropout.
Dip married Lotta, and they have a son, Chicken.
Filla and Giva married the Happens brothers.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horace.
Bull just married a spicy number, pisa, and they are awaiting the arrival of
a baby schitt.

Now you know Jack Schitt!

   Nigel Mendez                                        /T\
   Connecticut College                                /   \
   Voice: (203) 439-4713                             /  --*\
   Internet: nhmen@mvax.cc.conncoll.edu            _/___|___\_,
   Bitnet: nhmen@conncoll                       ~~~\L_A_S_E_R_/~~~
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 14:52:44 -0400
From:         Mike Shockley <MSHOCKLE@DREW.BITNET>
Subject:      Crude sex joke!!

Question:    Do you know what a pussy is?
Answer:  It's the box a penis *comes* in!!
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 12:53:10 -0600
From:         Debby Romero <D_ROMERO@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      POPEYE JOKE

What happened when Napoleon went to Mt. Olive?
Popeye got pissed!
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 14:50:00 -0400
From:         Eric Schmidt <SCHMIDT@UTKLIB.LIB.UTK.EDU>
Subject:      Re: "Beavis N-Buthead

    What do you get if you spill Chinese Food in Cherokee North Carolina?
    Lo Mein on the Totem Pole.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 09:10:40 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU>
Subject:      Re: GRUESOME PUNSY

<*Is embalming a dead issue?
-I don't know, but I'd really prefer humor in a different vein.
        (Okay, Derryck, you're next!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
Webter's dictionary entries that never made it past the editors:
-Shampoo : Winnie the Impostor

(Apologies to A.A. Milne)

I think I'll make like an escaping forger and get the fake out of here.

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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 14:42:31 -0500
From:         Forrest Baulieu <BAULIEUF@GBVAXA.UWGB.EDU>
Subject:      answers to the third "phrase game"

(a)   20 = Q. (A.,V., or M.)
            questions (animal, vegetable, or mineral)
(b)   10 = L.I.
            Little Indians
(c)   7  = Y. of B.L. for B. a M.
            Years of bad luck for breaking a mirror
(d)   3  = P. into which A.G. was D.
            Parts into which all Gaul was divided
(e)   2000  =   P. in a T.
            Pounds in a ton
(f)   4  = S. on a V.
            Strings on a violin
(g)   76 = T. that L. the B.P.
            Trombones that led the big parade
(h)   2  = G. of V.
            Gentlemen of Verona
(i)   3  = L.K. that L.T.M.
            Little kittens that lost their mittens
(j)   18.5  = M.E. from the W.T.
            Minutes erased from the Watergate tapes
(k)   1  = R.A in E.B.
            Rotten apple in every barrel
(l)   20 = C. in a P.
            cigarettes in a pack
(m)   6  = P. on a P.T.
            players on a polo team (?)
(n)   66 = B of the B. (in the K.J.V.)
            books of the Bible (in the King James version)
(o)   9  = J. of the S.C.
            justices of the supreme court
(p)   10 = D. in a T.N. (including the A.C.)
            digits in a telephone number (including the area code)
(q)   7  = D. with S.W.
            dwarfs with Snow White
(r)   30 = S. over T.
            Seconds Over Tokyo
(s)   8  = D. a W.  (in the B.S.)
            Days a Week (in the Beatles song)
(t)   15 = M. on a D.M.C.                 (I'm not sure this isn't a typo)
            Men on a Dead Man's Chest     (I thought it was 16....       )
(u)   4+20= B.B. in a P.
            Blackbirds baked in a pie
(v)   9  = S. in T.-T.-T.
            squares in Tic-Tac-Toe
(w)   3  = S.Y.O. at the O.B.G.
            strikes-- you're out!-- at the old ball game
(x)   5  = T. on a C. (including the S. in the T.)
            tires on a car (including the spare in the trunk)
(y)   0  = M.
            Mostel!
            (or  "no more")
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 17:26:56 EDT
From:         David_Douglas <DHDAD@ACADVM1.UOTTAWA.CA>
Subject:      limerick (sexual)

'Twas on the good ship Venus
M' Gawd you should have seen us
the figure-head was a whore in bed
and the bow-sprit was a penis.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 17:36:35 EDT
From:         Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      Netiquette <SATIRE>

Original-author: brad@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton)
Last-change: 30 Nov 91 by brad@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton)

"Dear Emily Postnews" Emily Postnews, foremost authority
on proper net behaviour, gives her advice on how to act
on the net.
-----------

Dear Ms. Postnews: I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another
site.  What should I do? -- eager@beaver.dam

A: Dear Eager: No problem, just post your message to a group that a
lot of people read.  Say, "This is for John Smith.  I couldn't get
mail through so I'm posting it.  All others please ignore."

This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their
collective time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of
checking through Usenet maps or looking for alternate routes.  Just
think, if you couldn't distribute your message to 30,000 other
computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call directory assistance
for 60 cents, or even phone the person.  This can cost as much as a
few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!

And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
money distributing the message then for you to have to waste $9 on an
overnight letter, or even 29 cents on a stamp!

Don't forget.  The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
so post it as many places as you can.

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner   BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
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SET HUMOR DIGEST if you only want to receive mail once a day; SET
HUMOR NOMAIL if you only want posting privileges or if you prefer to
to access HUMOR by downloading archieved files; or SIGNOFF HUMOR to
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numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR to LISTSERV@UGA
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 17:05:42 -0500
From:         Victor Jockin-2 <jockin@MAROON.TC.UMN.EDU>
Subject:      <No Subject Given>

Two guys who really like baseball made a bet:  When the first one of them
would die, he would come back and tell the other whether there is baseball
in heaven.  Years passed, and one night one of the guys was woken by the
ghost of his friend.

"Oh my God!  Ralph!  What are you doing here?!"
"I've come back with some good news, and some bad news, Frank."
"Yeah?"
"There's baseball in heaven."
"And?"
"You're pitching Friday."
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 18:32:48 -0600
From:         Tom Perry <taperry@RS6000.CMP.ILSTU.EDU>
Subject:      B & B

"If I laugh at any mortal thing, tis that I may not cry."  Quoth The Bard
:} Tom Perry
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 19:27:00 EDT
From:         Greg Allen <A1319@UFCC.BITNET>
Subject:      old

Old fishermen never die, they just smell that way.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 20:27:37 -0400
From:         SSgt Sel Scott C. McClaren <mcclars@WPDIS01.WPAFB.AF.MIL>
Subject:      Hotel

How is a cheap hotel like a tight pair of jeans?
No ballroom.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 19:16:53 EST
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <X7FV@SLUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: limerick (NOT clean)

There once was a girl from Darjeeling
Who awoke with a very strange feeling
She lay on her back
And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling...

Not exactly anatomically possible, but fun to sing when you're
a young lad on the playground.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 20:43:57 -0400
From: Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA <fowler@PALRES.DNET.SANDOZ.COM>
Subject: Butthead and flaming and first-post and netiquette (but funny)

Perhaps a good new rule of netiquette for the ranters on this list
would be that flaming and discussion should at least be in verse, for
the partial amusement of the innocent bystanders. If your flaming is
not worth the trouble of composing into verse - surely the thoughts are
not worthy of our time reading. Therefore re. the "first-posting"
earlier today....

        There was a young dork in pre-law
        Who was sure he hadn't a flaw.
        To .humor he sent "wit"
        That wasn't worth shit,
        Without thinking the list wasn't for

        Mindless Greetings.

(Ok. It nearly scans.)
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 18:44:45 PDT
From:         cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.Q  A collection of clean humor gather on: 8 Feb 88

----------------------------------------------------

     Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
 "What happened?"  "I was struck by the beauty of the place."

     A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these stops
and starts get you pretty worn out?"  "It isn't the stops and starts that
get on my nerves, it's the jerks."

     An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time.
 One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they had
the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll
teach you that you cann't have your Kate and Edith, too."

     A young husband with an inferiorty complex insisted he was just a little
pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save
your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

     During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.  She had
him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
     Real-estate man:  Would you like to see a model home?
     Man:  I sure would, when does she get off work?

     A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun:
     He sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. one.

     Penn's aunts made great pies at low prices.  No one else in town could
compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.

     A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
 The chef answered, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
never reveal our sauce."

     The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission
Chips."

     The women at one college called a would be romeo a great natural athlete.
 He makes every broad jump.

     A reverend wanted to call another reverend.  He told the operator, this
is a parson to parson call.

     A farmer with lots of chickens posted the following sign.  "Free
Chickens.
 Our Coop Runneth Over."

     Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail.  Mort is the expert.  Bill
is not the rigger Mort is.

     A man who keep stealing mopids was an obvious cycle-path.

     Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover.

     A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge
was recluse driving.

     What do they call a man who builds twenty boats a month?  Sir Launchalot.

     A swami stopped in at the butcher shop and asked for butcher for a pound
of liver, but the dishonest butcher weighed down upon the swami's liver.

     A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two huge
nuggests
on the counter.  "Well, don't just stand there, assay something!"

     Indian Chief Shortcake died, so Squaw bury Shortcake.

     An Indian family with sixteen kids was just one big Hopi family.

     A fortune-teller started laughing seconds after looking into his crystal
ball.  The client hit him.  "Why did you do that"  "My mother always told
me to strike a happy medium."

     An American family sent some poor cousins in East Germany a package
of food.  Weeks later when they heard it still had not arrived, cabled the
cousins with "Cheer up, the wurst is yet to come."
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 21:41:00 EST
From:         Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858 <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Latin Innuendo...

Veni Vidi Visa

I came.  I saw.  I shopped.

Shirl
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 16:09:50 EDT
From:         Eric Unger <Eric=J.=Unger%Comp1%ESD-TG@TERRA-VS1.HANSCOM.AF.MIL>
Subject:      Redneck Christmas

Obligatory humor attributed to Randy and the Rednecks.

On the nth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 pack of Bud,
11 wrasslin' tickets,
tin of Copenhagen,
9 years probation,
8 table dancers,
7 packs of Red Man,
6 cans of Spam,
5 flannel shirts,
4 mud-grip tires,
3 shot-gun shells,
2 hunting dogs,
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 10:39:29 MDT
From:         Scott Unrein <scounr@YOGI.AUTO-TROL.COM>
Subject:      Then Don't Read It!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Fornication.
Fornication who?
Fornication like this I should've worn a tie!
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 10:08:04 LCL
From:         Rafael Lacaz Ruiz <RAFLRUIZ@TUVIRA.CIAGRI.USP.BR>
Subject:      Offensive Japanese

At night, a japanese guy took the bus. He was very tired; He would
like to get off  in Sao Paulo, but the bus should go thru Rio
de Janeiro. So, he politely asked to a passenger to call him when
crossing Sao Paulo. The jap fell asleep, and when he woke up, he
noticed the bus arrived in Rio, and he had missed Sao Paulo. He got
upset, and complained to the other passanger. -"Why didn't you call
me when we were crossing Sao Paulo?" The passenger said "I did!..."
The discussion went on 'till another passenger says: "Man, this jap
is much more nervous than that one we drop in Sao Paulo  resisting
to get off..."

Conclusion: Japanese are like rice: all the same
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Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 22:39:56 EDT
From:         Dan Hotopp <tron!ami1.bwi.wec.com!HOTOPP@UUNET.UU.NET>
Subject:      Worm Problem (slightly offensive language)

There was this guy who was bothered by a worm in his ass (don't ask how it
got there).  He had seen many doctors and no one could kill it or take it
out.  As days passed he couldn't walk properly, sleep peacefully, s#!t, etc.
Finally he found out about a doctor who was supposed to be good.  So he went
to this doctor and told his problem.  The doctor said "well, this is not a
simple problem.  But I can cure it, and it will be a 30-days treatment."
The man was willing to take any pain for another 30 days and agreed.  The doc
asked him to bring a banana and a cherry every time he comes for the clinic
and said that he shouldn't ask any questions about the treatment. The man
agreed.  The next day he showed up with a banana and a cherry.  The doctor
asked him to remove his pants, while he put on his gloves.  When the guy has
undressed, he took the banana and inserted it up his ass. After about 3
minutes he inserted the cherry.  Then the doc said 'thats it for today. See
you tommorrow.  Don't forget the banana and cherry.'  The man was confused as
hell.  Anyway he didn't ask anything.

Then the 2nd day, 3rd day....yeah, you guessed it right, every day the doc
inserted the banana and waited for 3 minutes or so and then inserted the
cherry and asked the guy to come next day with the fruits.  Now the 29th day
came and the doctor did the same banana, cherry treatment.  The poor guy
couldn't resist this time.  He said "hey doc, what the hell you think you are
doing...I ain't getting better.  That damn worm is still giving me lots of
trouble, and you...".  "C'mon" said the doc, "I said not to question
me...just one more day of treatment....Trust me.... and by the way tomorrow
just bring a banana.  We don't need the cherry anymore."  More confused, the
guy left.

Next day our friend showed up with a banana.  As usual the doc pushed the
banana up his ass and waited.   After about 5 minutes a worm poked its head
out of this guy's a-hole and said,  "What, No Cherry today?!!".
"psssskkkkk...."  the doc pulled the worm out of the guy's ass and said
"there you go!".

Thought for the day:
    Intuition (n): an uncanny sixth sense which tells people
    that they are right, whether they are or not.
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