Digest for Tuesday, October 19, 1993

There are 25 messages totalling 511 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Wish
  2. Re: latin humor + misc crudish stuff
  3. Animals & eyes (Clean, un-offensive, not sick, really!)
  4. RE:Latin Jokes
  5. Old ... never die
  6. Re: Oscar Meyer (LANGUAGE)
  7. Re: Signs (G)
  8. chemists
  9. Golf Joke (G)
  10. Latin humor
  11. Fem Offensive
  12. Offensive to virtually everyone (dead babies)/do-it/political humor
  13. bumper sticker -clean -
  14. Re: offensive to limbless people
  15. Sexist (clean) Q&A
  16. Re: Latin humor
  17. Re: offensive to limbless people
  18. CLEAN JOKE
  19. disney joke (offensive to fans)
  20. Descartes
  21. older folk
  22. bumper stickers
  23. Never told the truth
  24. Lightly Offensive to Homosexuals
  25. West Virginia living (mildly offensive to that states residents)


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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 03:07:40 SAT
From:         Tariq Mohammed Al-Yahya <STU1A41@SAUPM00.BITNET>
Subject:      Wish <Racist>

i would like to post this but please i am not trying to hurt anyone and fool
of anyone it is only a jok ..ok?! there was a black man who called his God and
said "God please turn me white color and let me see the ass's of the people"

After a few days God respond to his call and turned him a TOILET SEAT !! :)
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 11:01:54 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Re: latin humor + misc crudish stuff

A source of pseudo Latin humor could be the Asterix books, wherein
the Gallic tribesmen are the heroes, and the occupying Romans are
the (universally dumb) villains.

In an Italian version of these books, the Roman legionary "motto"
SPQR (I forget what this really stands for) was rendered as:

"Sono Pazzi Questi Romani" ("They are mad, these Romans")

(and apparently, in Italy, this is not an inappropriate  joke :-) )

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the definition of a Mistress?

A. Something that comes between a master and a mattress.

Did you hear about the truck driver who pulled out suddenly to avoid a
child? - He fell out of bed.

Two friends are talking: "Hey, you're looking a bit down; what's the matter?"
"I was taking my girlfriend home last night on the motorbike, and ran out
 of gas; while I was pushing it home, someone stole my motorbike..."

Two girls from a convent boarding school have stayed out late, way beyond the
curfew hour, and have to sneak in, over the wall and somehow get back to the
dormitory. They find a ladder in the garden, and get up to the dormitory
window, which fortunately, is not locked, and they are able to clamber in.
As they are doing  this, one says to the other: "Hey, I feel like a fireman"
"Yeah, so do I but where would we get one at this time of night?"
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 12:55:03 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      Animals & eyes (Clean, un-offensive, not sick, really!)

Q: What do you call a prehistoric one-eyed reptilian lizard?
A: A D'ythinkysaurus.

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: P-I-I-I-G.
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 08:40:10 -0400
From:         Stan Planton <PLANTON@OUACCVMB.BITNET>
Subject:      RE:Latin Jokes

My favorite was one I saw on a men`s room wall at Ripon College, many years
ago:

COITO, ERGO SUM

Stan Planton
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 09:00:00 -0400
From: Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642 <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      Old ... never die

Old generals never die, they just lose their privates.
Old programmers never die, they just lose their memory.
Old netters never die, they just lose their bandwidth.
Old computers never die, they just lose their MIPs.
Old grave diggers never die, they just smell like it.
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 09:06:46 EST
From:         John Wichers <wichers@SMTPLINK.TFN.COM>
Subject:      Re: Oscar Meyer (LANGUAGE)

my baloney has a first name
it's C-O-W, cow
my baloney has a second name
it's L-I-P-S, lips

I like to eat it every day
and if you ask me why I'll say
that Oscar Mayer has a way
of getting 'round the FDA

--John
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 10:43:25 EST
From:         Tim Moslener <F036@MUSIC.FERRIS.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Signs (G)

A good sign that I saw in Michigan was:

On I-75, there is an exit #69.  It is officially called:

Exit 69, Big Beaver Road!
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 11:32:22 EDT
From:         Anissa Holman <anissa@UNIX.CAMPBELLSVIL.EDU>
Subject:      chemists

Hello all,

I saw this in the Science department at my college:

        Todd was a chemist.
        Todd is no more.
        What Todd thought was H2O,
        Was H2SO4.

Gruesome, but cute.

    Anissa  <anissa@unix.campbellsvil.edu>
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 09:18:21 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Golf Joke (G)

A golfer's ball had landed just left of the fairway.
As he searched for it in the weeds, he noticed a police
car parked across the road.  "I don't know where your
ball went," the police officer yelled to him, "but for
what it's worth, it was going 42 miles an hour!"
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 11:10:00 CST
From:         Steve Bell <BELL_SW@BRUTUS.VOUGHT.COM>
Subject:      Latin humor

Everyone knows that Descartes is famous for his axiom
        Cogito ergo sum.
It took a lot of work to develop this little homily.  Among his earliest
efforts was:
        Cogito ergo spud.
(I think therefore I yam.)
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 10:34:37 -0600
From:         Chuck Carter <CARTERC@ZIAVMS.ENMU.EDU>
Subject:      Fem Offensive

                I know a girl who wears red shoes,
                she smokes my pot and drinks my booze,
                shes got no cherry, but thats no sin,
                shes still got the box the cherry came in!
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 09:50:40 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU>
Subject:      Offensive to virtually everyone (dead babies)/do-it/political humor

Greetings and Fellicitations, One and All!

I hope, for your sakes, that none of you have eaten.  Here goes!
-What's worse than a dead baby?  A pile of dead babies.
-What's worse than a pile of dead babies? The same pile, thirty days later.
-What's worse than a thirty day old pile of dead babies? The same pile,
        with the one on the bottom eating his way out.
-What's white, blue, and green? A dead baby in a plastic bag.
-What's white, blue, green, red, and goes Mach Two in a hundred directions?
        The same baby, thrown into a Concorde engine.

I warned you!!
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--
-------
It occurs to me that science fiction is a great area for "do-it" humor.
Any Star Trek and Star Wars fans will enjoy these.
-Jedi Knights do it forcefully.
-Corellians do it in hyperspace.
-Helmsmen do it at warp speed.
-Time Lords do it in the fourth dimension.
-Sith Lords do it any way they want!
-Vulcans do it logically (but only every seven years).
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--
------
I heard this in the seventies, when Pierre Trudeau was Prime Minister of
Canada. It helps if you've seen or heard of the old "Six Million Dollar
Man" television series.

        There was a convention of bionic engineers in Geneva. It was late,
everyone had had a few drinks, so all the assembled engineers felt loose
enough
to
to reveal a few secrets and boast a bit. The russian engineer rose, downed his
vodka in a single swallow, and said,"We took an engineer who'd had an arm
blown off and made him able to lift eight hundred pounds."
        "That's nothing," said the british engineer.  We took a scientist who
had lost a lung in a fire and made him able to breathe underwater."
        The american scientist favored them all with a superior smile.
"We can top you all. We took an astronaut who'd lost an arm, two legs, and
an eye and made him able to run sixty miles an hour, lift half a ton, and see
in total darkness!" The others murmered among themselves, impressed.
        The canadian, who'd been sitting quietly all this time, shaking his
head sadly, finally spoke up.  "Is that the best you can do? I'm really
disappointed in you guys."
        The engineers glared in disbelief.  The american snarled," What the
hell

could you have done that could possibly top us?"  The canadian engineer simply
s
miled
smiled and said," We took a french canadian asshole and made him prime
minister."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
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Re: Dorithy Parker
I GIVE!!!
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--
-
Re: Re:Gruesome Punsey
To be pondered: Is embalming a dead issue?
-Personally, I find all this rather draining.
-Doesn't this sort of humor leave you cold?
-If I were a trochar, I'd get the point.
-The secret to enduring this is not to keep one's humor, but to keep a stiff
        upper lip (apologies to Derryck).
-I think we pretty much have this all sewn up, but let's not wax morbid
        (eg, mortician's wax).
(I have noone to blame but myself.I started this thing)
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 10:23:26 -0700
From:         NADAV 666-2973 (415) <AHARONOV@STU.ADMIN.USFCA.EDU>
Subject:      bumper sticker -clean -

 I don't care how you do it,
 where you'd rather be,
 what you rather be doing or
 what your other car is
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 13:30:56 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: offensive to limbless people

what do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.

What do you call him if he falls onto the floor?
Matt.

What do you call him if he's bald?
Dick.

What do you call him if he's got fifty rabbits up his ass?
Warren.

--Riff
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 12:33:17 CST
From:         Weasel <JEFF@CODVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Sexist (clean) Q&A

Q. Why don't women like to play Frizbie?               /\ /\
A. It hurts their teeth too much when they catch it.    . .
                                                        /"\
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 13:33:43 -0400
From:         Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Latin humor

On Tue, 19 Oct 1993, Steve Bell wrote:

Decartes goes into a bar one day, and the bar tender says to him:
"Bonjour, M. Decartes, would you care for something to drink?"

Decartes looks up and replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears!
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 14:01:48 -0400
From:         Scott J Holman <sholman@UOGUELPH.CA>
Subject:      Re: offensive to limbless people

More NO ARMS/ NO LEGS jokes......

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms/legs laying in a hole??
A: PHILL (FILL)

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms/legs in a pool??
A: BOB

Q: What do you call a lafy with no arms, but one leg??
A: Peg

sholman@uoguelph.ca
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 14:43:37 -0400
From:         Ann Woods <woods@HRPI6.DNET.HCC.COM>
Subject:      CLEAN JOKE

WHY DON'T CANNIBALS EAT CLOWNS?
BECAUSE THEY TASTE FUNNY.
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 15:02:53 -0400
From:         TJMCKENNA@PSUCES.BITNET
Subject:      disney joke (offensive to fans)

                  I N T E R O F F I C E   M E M O R A N D U M

                                        Date:     19-Oct-1993 02:58pm EST
                                        From:     Tom Mckenna
                                                  TJMCKENNA
                                        Dept:     Audio Visual Services
                                        Tel No:   (814) 863-3102

TO:  Remote Network Mail User             ( _IN%HUMOR@UGA.BITNET )

Subject: disney joke (offensive to fans)

Mickey and Minnie succumb to the inevitable and become yet another statistic.
Mickey sues Minnie for divorce.  The Judge is distraught that the relationship
of two such beloved characters could come to such an awful conclusion.

Determined to keep the mouse couple together, the Judge asks Mickey, "Now why
would you want to divorce Minnie?"

"Because she's fuckin' goofy, your honor," replies Mickey.

"But Mickey, replies the Judge, you can't just divorce Minnie because she's
crazy!"

"I didn't say she was *crazy*, your honor.  I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"

(courtesy of ellen g.)

tom mckenna
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 16:41:36 -0500
From:         DEATH ANGEL <RER7691@TNTECH.EDU>
Subject:      Descartes

One of his unsuccessful experiments was with animal intelligence. He tried to
see if horses thought... However, face to face confrontation proved to be
impossible. You can't put Descartes before the horse.
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 15:05:01 -0700
From:         Robert.D.Reynolds@ASU.EDU
Subject:      older folk

        There was a more than middle-aged lady who decided she needed a
breast examination. Her husband, however, did not like the doctor nor want
him examining his wife. Nevertheless, she went to the examination.When she
returned home she had to tell him of her experience.
        "He said my breasts were like those of a 20-year-old girl"
        The husband grumbled, "What did he say about that 55 year-old ass?"
        "Oh," she replied, "we didn't talk about you at all."
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 18:27:04 -0400
From:         JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV
Subject:      bumper stickers

Nuke the unborne gay whales.
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 18:46:58 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Never told the truth <Mulla>

NEVER TOLD THE TRUTH

     "They say your jokes are full of hidden meanings, Nasrudin.
Are they?"

     "No."

     "Why not?"

     "Because I have never told the truth in my life, even once;
neither will I ever be able to do so."
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 20:48:54 EDT
From:         Beavis N-Buthead <bevsnbuthd@AOL.COM>
Subject:      Lightly Offensive to Homosexuals

Hey Beavis....ha ha ha ha ha ....yeah Buthead ha ha ha ha ha .....What's one
of the first obvious signs of AIDS? ha ha ha ha ha ha ......I don't know ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha .......A throbing pain in your asssshole....asshole......ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha .......ha ha ha ha ha ha .......ha ha ha ha ha ha
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Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 21:19:35 -0400
From:         SSgt Sel Scott C. McClaren <mcclars@WPDIS01.WPAFB.AF.MIL>
Subject:      West Virginia living (mildly offensive to that state's residents)

                    YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM WEST VIRGINIA WHEN:

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper "quality entertainment".
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
When someone asks you for your I.D., you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior and Senior Prom had a day care center.
Your Mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before she tells
the State Patrolman to "kiss my ass".
You have used lard in bed.
The primary color of your car is "Bondo".
The directions to your house include, "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your kids go hungry tonight because you just "had to have" those Yosemite Sam
mud flaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth trying to open a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired" people.
Your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You see no need to stop at a "rest area" because you have an empty milk jug in
the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag taped to the passenger window of your car.
You bar-b-que "SPAM" on the grill.
You have to scratch your sister's name off the message that says, "For a good
time call ________________"
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
REDMAN chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your Dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it "attractive".
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
You prominently display the gift you bought at Graceland.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
Your front porch falls in and kills more than 3 dogs.
You call your boss "dude".

You think Volvo is part of a woman's body.
You consider your license personalized because your Father made it.
You were fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card that gets you a "freebee" at the
"House of Tattoos".
Your Dad encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the
lube rack.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a hair cut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
You stated a petition in North Carolina to put the dimmer switch back on the
floor board because you keep getting your foot stuck in the steering wheel
when you try to dim your headlights.
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