Digest for Monday, October 18, 1993

There are 33 messages totalling 917 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Offensive to innocent Red Riding Hoods
  2. just one post each day
  3. offensive to limbless people
  4. Beer festival...
  5. Latin Humor (the language)
  6. "do it",+more Jewish mothers
  7. Grafitti
  8. more offensive to limbless people jokes
  9. graffitti humor -- sexual content
  10. Re: Latin Humor
  11. Dog by cat
  12. Re: offensive to limbless people
  13. offensive to limbless people
  14. pussy poem - [G]eneral audiences (yes! really! [G]!)
  15. medical texts
  16. Top Ten Lists (fwd)
  17. Limerics (sexual content)
  18. Gruesom punsy
  19. X does it with B
  20. Redneck
  21. Mildly Offensive
  22. x does it y
  23. OLD ... ETC.
  24. Old ... who
  25. humorous headlines.....
  26. Re: medical texts
  27. Re: call for waitress jokes (mildly offensive language)
  28. Signs (G)
  29. Life 2.P A collection of clean humor gather on: 1 Feb 88
  30. straight from the South--trucker jokes--sexual content
  31. Netiquette
  32. Who is the boss


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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 08:52:30 MET
From:         Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject:      Offensive to innocent Red Riding Hoods

Before Little Red Riding Hood went through the forest to see her granny,
Mother warned her: "There is a Wolf in the woods. Be careful and if you
happen to meet him hide where you can."
So Little Red Riding Hood went through the forest. Suddenly she heard
something move nearby. As she saw no place to hide she hid her face in her
skirt. As she wore no underpants, it was a magnificient view for a young
hunter who appeared on the path. And he said to himself: Why not to make
use of the opportunity that is offering to me? And he began - you know what.
After a while Little Red Riding Hood dared to ask? "Are you the Wolf?" still
hidding her face. - "Of cource I am," answered the hunter. - "And what are
you doing? Are you eating me?" - " Yes, I am." - "So go on, wolf. I like it
very much."
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 10:28:08 +0100
From:         Christoph Ehrendorfer <christoph.ehrendorfer@ITC.UNIVIE.AC.AT>
Subject:      just one post each day

I have a small problem concerning my post-box. Since the amount of humors
increased significantly my box is full every day.

Some weeks ago I read a post that described the possiblity to receive only
one big post each day (something with DIGEST). Looking through m<y files I
could not find thist post. Please send this information to me or post it
again.

Thanks in advanve.

Joke:

How to pack 5 elefants in a VW beatle??

2 in front and 3 in the rear.
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 09:31:43 GMT
From:         Adrian Littler <littler@GATWICK.SGP.SLB.COM>
Subject:      offensive to limbless people

Q)      What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the sea?
A)      Bob!

Q)      What do you call a similarly disabled woman in a river?
A)      Flo!

Q)      What do you call an Arabian man with a pig on his head?
A)      Hammed!  (Ham-head)

Q)      What do you call the same gentleman cutting the grass?
A)      Mohammed!

Q)      What do you call a blind deer?
A)      No idea!

Q)      What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
A)      Still no idea!

Q)      What do you call a blind deer with no legs or dick?
A)      Still no fucking idea!

These are worse....

Q)      What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A)      Cliff!

Q)      What do you call a man with a spade/shovel on his head?
A)      Doug! (dug)

Q)      What do you call the same man without his spade?
A)      Douglas! (dug less)

I used to know more, thank goodness I forgotten the rest!
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 11:50:06 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Beer festival...

Here at Sheffield University, we have a beer festival every year.
I have misplaced the list of beers available, and I will print
em when I do find em, but the ones I cannot forget are:

        Headbanger's Ball
        Brewer's Foreskin.

Derryck.
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 06:36:51 -0600
From:         Steve Gorelick <smg@AQUILA.GC.CUNY.EDU>
Subject:      <No Subject Given>

A old man in Miami Beach gets hit by a car.

A policeman approaches him lying on the ground and asks: "Mr., Mr. are you
comfortable?"

The man think for a second and responds: "I make a good living."
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 07:27:47 -0400
From:         JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV
Subject:      Latin Humor (the language)

B00000000000000
B00000000000000

Subject: latin humor

Funniest latin joke I can remember is from _Life of Brian_, the
Monty Python movie.
      Brian has been assigned by his radical Jewish organization
to paint Roman's go home on the side of the colliseum.  He is
aprehended by a roman soldier who, at swords point corrects his
grammar, in exactically the manner of a latin teacher.  When his
script is correct, the soldier makes him write it 100 times
across the colliseum.
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 12:08:48 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      "do it",+more Jewish mothers

Automatic drivers do it with a foot to spare
IBM salesmen do it behind a corporate image
Irish voters do it early and often
Polish Popes do it lying down on the runway
Real programmers do it in machine code
Relay junkies do it at the terminal
Surfers do it standing up
Systems programmers do it in assembler
Milkmen do it early in the morning to housewives everywhere
Politicians do it all the time to everyone

"Oedipus smoedipus....so long as the boy loves his mother...."

A J.M. is holding her new twin grandchildren, one in each arm:
"This one here is zer doctor, und dat vun is der lawyer"

A social gathering, and Abe has had a few: "No, nothing more for me
Mrs Bloomstein; I've had two drinks already"
"Ach, you've had nine drinks actually, but whose counting?"

:)
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 12:24:35 BST
From:         Gary Stephens <stephens@SSE.IE>
Subject:      Grafitti

Grafitto spotted recently (give or take a word or 3) in men's
room of Dublin pub :

    "If the blonde in the blue dress who was standing at the bar
     is reading this, then my suspicions are confirmed."

Gary
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 07:45:00 -0400
From: Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642 <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      more offensive to limbless people jokes

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pot?
A: Stew (Stu).

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on a wall?
A: Art.

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
A: Eileen (I lean).

Q: An suppose she is Japanesse?
A: Irene.

Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in an envelope?
A. Bill.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a toilette?
A. You guessed it, John.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and legs on a hot dog roll?
A. Frank.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done...
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 07:54:53 -0400
From:         JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV
Subject:      graffitti humor -- sexual content

Subject: political bathroom humor

     Bill Rauscher's post of political bathroom graffitti brought
back one from 1975. Someone had drawn this picture of Golda Maier
(the prime minister of Isreal) and had put under it, "There will
be no peace in the middle east until Golda Maier sucks Yasser
Arafat's cock." The appropriate parts of Yasser had been added to
the drawing.
   A third hand had added, "Fine, but first it has to be circumcized."
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 08:37:15 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: Latin Humor

>      Brian has been assigned by his radical Jewish organization
>to paint Roman's go home on the side of the colliseum.  He is
>aprehended by a roman soldier who, at swords point corrects his
>grammar, in exactically the manner of a latin teacher.  When his
>script is correct, the soldier makes him write it 100 times
>across the colliseum.

I loved this bit, too.  They way it actually went was, Brian wrote
"ROMANES, EUNT DOMUS," using the wrong noun case and verb conjugation;
the Roman soldier makes him correct it to "ROMANI, ITE DOMUM."

Theresa

"Denuone Latine loquebar?"
                Henry Beard, "Latin for All Occasions"
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 08:41:33 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Dog by cat <poem>

THE DOG (AS SEEN BY THE CAT) by Oliver Herford

The Dog is black or white or brown,
     And sometimes spotted like a clown.
He love to make a foolish noise,
     And Human Company enjoys.

The Human People pat his head
     And teach him to pretend he's dead,
And beg, and fetch, and carry, too;
     Things that no well-bred Cat will do.

At Human jokes, however stale,
     He jumps about and wags his tail,
And Human People clap their hands
     And think he really understands.

They say "Good Dog" to him.  To us
     They say "Poor Puss," and make no fuss.
Why Dogs are "good" and Cats are "poor"
     I fail to understand, I'm sure.

To Someone very Good and Just
     Who has proved worthy of her trust,
A Cat will sometimes condescend--
     The Dog is Everybody's friend!
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 08:46:32 -0400
From:         Dawn M. Shotts <dawns@ALPHA.ACAST.NOVA.EDU>
Subject:      Re: offensive to limbless people

Q)      What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your front
        doorstep?
A)      Matt

Q)      What do you call the same guy hanging on a wall?
A)      Art.

Q)      Same guy in your mailbox?
A)      Bill.

Q)      Same guy in a hole?
A)      Phil.

This is getting bad.  I must end it here.  Bye for now.
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 12:59:16 GMT
From:         Adrian Littler <littler@GATWICK.SGP.SLB.COM>
Subject:      offensive to limbless people

One final one.........

Q)      What do you call a man with no arms/legs who can swim?
A)      A clever dick!
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 10:19:00 EDT
From:         Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      pussy poem - [G]eneral audiences (yes!  really!  [G]!)

i remember, from my childhood, that this poem is actually lyrics which are
directly associated with the same tune that is used in the oscar mayer
bologna commercial as seen here in the united states (and elsewhere?).

you know...

my baloney has a first name
it's O-S-C-A-R
my baloney has a second name
it's M-A-Y-E-R

i like to eat it every day
and if you ask me why, i'll say
"'cause oscar mayer has a way
with B-O-L-O-G-N-A"

so.  if you know the commercial, you can fit the pussy poem to the tune.

i know a little pussy
her coat is silver grey
she lives down in the meadow
not very far away

although she is a pussy
she'll never be a cat
for she's a pussy-willow
now what do you think of that?

be seeing you,

oxo
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 10:39:10 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <ORTIZ@DCSMSERVER.MED.SCAROLINA.EDU>
Subject:      medical texts

I came across this today and thought some of you might appreciate the
humor in this, although admittedly this is a painful and serious
condition. . .

 from US GOVT CURRENT BIBLIOGRAPHIES IN MEDICINE;

 Gold D Jr. Justino JD. "Bicycle Kickstand" phenomenon:  prolonged
erections associated with antipsychotic agents.  South Med J 1988
Jun;81(6):792-4
p.s.
(wonder if it has the kink at the top?)

p.p.s.
(so, just who names these conditions anyway--someone with a sense of
humor,  I suppose)
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 12:26:08 -0400
From:         Amy L. Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten Lists (fwd)

---> October 15, 1993 <---

=================================================================
Top Ten Reason's Hillary Won't Be Invited Back to "Sesame Street"
=================================================================

10. Announced government plans to rid the nation of talking frogs by 1996
 9. Asked if she could spell "cat", she snapped "I'm a Yale graduate, you
    felt-faced freak!"
 8. Two words:  "Puppet Tax"
 7. Mistook Oscar the Grouch for a rat.  Beat him to death with a rake
 6. Insisted on wearing totally inappropriate cone bra
 5. She squeezed Big Bird a little too hard during the health care "Turn Your
    Head & Cough" segment
 4. Demanded dressing room fridge be stocked with malt liquor
 3. Told behind-the-scenes puppeteers "That's pretty much how I handle Bill"
 2. She pulled one of those Ted Danson deals
 1. Kept saying "Where the hell's Barney?"

---> October 14, 1993 <---

==================================================================
Top Ten Sign of Trouble in the Darryl Hannah/JFK. Jr. Relationship
==================================================================

10. She was overheard saying "Wait--you're not President Kennedy?"
 9. Loud public arguments over who's prettier
 8. Lots of finger-pointing after they lost People magazine's "Sexiest Couple
    Alive" title
 7. All of a sudden she doesn't want to wear the mermaid outfit in bed
 6. Madonna's at the Garden
 5. He keeps confusing her with Fabio
 4. Every day, big fights over mirror time
 3. He's jealous because she does better on Bar Exam
 2. She's sick of him saying "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask if
    you can get me another beer"
 1. Loni's available

---> October 1, 1993 <---

==================================
Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date
==================================

10. You can't think of anything else on your date except strangling Chuck
    Woolery
 9. He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine
 8. His multiple personalities begin arguing after dinner about splitting
check
 7. You find yourself spending an inordinate amount of time lifting his head
    out of the soup
 6. He's been on "Geraldo" three times
 5. After two beers he starts calling you "Mommy"
 4. All she wants to talk about is how much she loves working for her boss,
    Heidi Fleiss
 3. Every place you suggest for dinner, he says "Nah--there might be cops
    there."
 2. Insists that she was a virgin, but you know she was married to Sean Penn
 1. He takes you to a Met game
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 12:49:03 EST
From:         Tom Murray <F144@MUSIC.FERRIS.EDU>
Subject:      Limerics (sexual content)

Beware below:

     There once was a young man from Boston,
         Who drove a little red Auston,
     There was room for his ass and a gallon of gas,
         But his balls hung out so he lost 'em.

     There once was a couple from Bel-Aire,
         Who had an affair on the stair,
     When the banister broke he just doubled his stroke,
         And finished her off in mid-air.

     There once was a girl from Labeze,
         Who's cunt hair hung down to her knees,
     The fleas in her twat tied it up in a knot,
         As she flew on the flying trapeze.

Sorry for being so explicit, however, I believe that these are from
Cheech and Chong so please blame them.
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 12:31:18 EST
From:         Tom Rusk Vickery <VICKERY@SUED.SYR.EDU>
Subject:      Gruesom punsy

This is mortifying!
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 14:04:28 -0400
From:         Mike Shockley <MSHOCKLE@DREW.BITNET>
Subject:      X does it with B

George Burns did ti with Grace!
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 16:06:16 EST
From:         Mike Mooney <Mike_Mooney_at_800WFF@CCMAIL.GSFC.NASA.GOV>
Subject:      Redneck

A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy
a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a
100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and
picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one
will go a little over a 100". Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you
trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and
called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this
man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail
with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs
about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to
convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother
so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and
said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the
mailman".
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 16:21:25 EDT
From:         Whomeyayou Thatswho <whomeyayou@AOL.COM>
Subject:      Mildly Offensive <Anti-Female>

Hey Buthead...... ha ha ha ha ha ha......

Yeah Beavis ha ha ha ha ha ha.......

Did you know there are over 1 million battered women in Florida....ha ha ha
ha ha........And all this time I was eating them plain.....ha ha ha ha ha
ha........ha ha ha ha ha ha ha .....Coooool.......ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
......yeah cooool ....... ha ha ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 16:45:11 EDT
From:         Anissa Holman <anissa@UNIX.CAMPBELLSVIL.EDU>
Subject:      x does it y

Here's one I haven't seen:

        Pharmacists do it with a grinding motion.

How about some along the lines of

        Old (whatevers) don't die they just....

    Anissa  <anissa@unix.campbellsvil.edu>
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 16:47:02 -0400
From:         JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV
Subject:      OLD ... ETC.

Old Golfers never die, they just lose their balls ...
Old Electricians never die, they just lose their charge ...
Old Jews never die, they just begin buying retail ...
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 15:52:56 -0600
From:         NAME <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Old ... who

Old librarians never die, they just check out.
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 17:01:00 EST
From:         HARSH <HARSH@CRNLGSM.BITNET>
Subject:      humorous headlines.....

----------------------------Original message----------------------------
<forwards deleted>
Humorous headlines :
====================
Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents

Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

Smokers are productive.  But death cuts efficiency

Death causes lonliness, feelings of isolation

Stolen painting found by tree

Dealers will hear car talk Friday at noon

Victim tied, nude policeman testifies

Judge to rule on nude beach

Complaints about NHL referees growing ugly

Police discover crack in Australia

Caribbean islands drift to left

Women's movement called more broad-based

Men recommend more clubs for wives

Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE

TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

STUDENTS HEAR REPTILE LECUTRE

A few immortals from the English press:

From back in WW II sometime:

               EIGHTH ARMY PUSH BOTTLES UP GERMANS

And more recently:

               MOUNTING PROBLEMS FOR YOUNG COUPLES
               SMOKER MOTHERS HAVE LIGHTER CHILDREN
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 16:04:27 -0700
From:         pharlab@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU
Subject:      Re: medical texts

From Debra Ortiz we are told:
I came across this today and thought some of you might appreciate the
humor in this, although admittedly this is a painful and serious
condition. . .

 from US GOVT CURRENT BIBLIOGRAPHIES IN MEDICINE;

 Gold D Jr. Justino JD. "Bicycle Kickstand" phenomenon:  prolonged
erections associated with antipsychotic agents.  South Med J 1988
Jun;81(6):792-4
Painful and serious to be sure, but think of the possibilities -
For about 36 hours (before gangrene sets in) you could have a self
pedalling mad machine that can be parked on its side and ready for reuse
when wanted or needed.
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 17:16:32 EDT
From:         Dan Hotopp <tron!ami1.bwi.wec.com!HOTOPP@UUNET.UU.NET>
Subject:      Re: call for waitress jokes (mildly offensive language)

Q:  What's the difference between a waitress and a toilet seat?
A:  A toilet seat only sees one asshole at a time.
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 16:15:20 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Signs (G)

At the entrance to a residential area near Jackson,
Wyoming, there is a large log archway on which are
placed several prohibitory signs.  These include:
"No Snowmobiling," "No Fishing" and, most recently,
"No Loose Dogs."  Under this last warning sign,
someone had written in large letters:  "Dogs With
Good Morals OK."
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 17:31:23 PDT
From:         HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.P     A collection of clean humor gather on: 1 Feb 88

----------------------------------------------------

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.  While
several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the
customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their
wallets, watches, etc.  While this is going on lawyer number one jams
something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?", to which
lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

----------------------------------------------------

     A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three days
old.  He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.

     A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best friends,
Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown.  When asked by her father why she had been
on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today and I've
been telling it to the Maureens."

     Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene from
Don Quixote for a local TV show.  "I'll play the title role," proposed Tom.
 "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."

     Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, walkway,
the father spanked them.  His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."

     Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to part of the
ocean.  After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother
drop, "We've taught our son all he needs to know, he is now fit to be tide."

     After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed.  Later she was heard to
sing, "Some day my prints will come."

     A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
and her first name by her mother.  By the time she was ten, didn't know if
she was Carmen or Cohen.

His students planted a orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.

----------------------------------------------------

Seems that there was an auto race with just two entrants:  An American car,
and a Soviet car.  The American won.  The Soviet press announced the
results this way:  "The Soviet car came in second.  The American car came
in next to the last."

The head of government of a certain East European country had in his office
a telephone with an earpiece, but no mouthpiece.  "What's that?" asked a
visitor.  "That's my private hotline to Moscow", was the reply.

----------------------------------------------------

This was taken from the Jan 11, 1988 US News & World Report:

Donald Petersen, chairman of Ford:
Genius is lasting 5 minutes longer than the other side.

----------------------------------------------------

A not-very-bright shorthand typist (or maybe she wanted to
teach her boss a lesson?) presented the following letter for
signature:
   Dear Mr Tomlinson,
      Now let me see.  What shall I tell the old fool?  In
   reply to yours of the sixteenth we are surprised to learn
   that the car which you purchased from us is not giving
   perfect satisfaction.  We had to sell it quickly before it
   fell to bits.
      As you know, we inspect all cars thoroughly before
   putting them up for sale.  Your vehicle was in excellent
   condition when it left our showrooms.  That's a nice dress.
   New, isn't it?
      It is possible that your driver is at fault.  Five miles
   to the gallon is very poor milage for a car in such good
   condition as yours.  Five gallons to the mile would be about
   right.  I never noticed before you have a little dimple on
   your chin.  Please bring it round at your convenience and our
   mechanic will make the necessary adjustments.
                              Yours faithfully,

                              Just sign it yourself.
=========================================================================

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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 21:56:41 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <ORTIZ@DCSMSERVER.MED.SCAROLINA.EDU>
Subject:      straight from the South--trucker jokes--sexual content

I know that there is a limit of one post per day, but since I am
going to be away for a week, I would like to share one more:

There was a young couple from the country who had been out beer-
drinkin' with their friends on a Saturday night.  As they headed home
on one of the lonely country backroads (some of which can go for
miles without ever passing a sign of civilization--except for
fencing) they decided to stop and consummate their relationship.  So
they did.  They pulled the car over and laid a blanket out in the
middle of the road and began to "do the deed."

    Well, at about that same time, a trucker was headed down that
same road, trying to make better time on his run.  As he rounded the
corner, he saw the couple lying in the middle of the road, the man
never missing a stroke.  He pulled on the air horn time and time
again, slamming on the brakes.  Finally, he managed to stop the
truck within a foot of the couple.  The trucker jumped out of the
truck in a rage:

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN, WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU.
DIDN'T YOU SEE ME COMING??"

To which the man replied--"Yeah, I saw you coming.  And I saw her
coming, and I saw me coming, and  I figured you were the only ones
with any brakes."
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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 22:56:49 EST
From:         Bill Edwards, Columbus College, Georgia <EDWARDS@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Netiquette <satire>

Original-author: brad@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton)
Last-change: 30 Nov 91 by brad@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton)

"Dear Emily Postnews" Emily Postnews, foremost authority
on proper net behaviour, gives her advice on how to act
on the net.
-----------

Dear Miss Postnews: How long should my signature be? -- verbose@noisy

A: Dear Verbose: Please try and make your signature as long as you
can.  It's much more important than your article, of course, so try
to have more lines of signature than actual text.

Try to include a large graphic made of ASCII characters, plus lots of
cute quotes and slogans.  People will never tire of reading these
pearls of wisdom again and again, and you will soon become personally
associated with the joy each reader feels at seeing yet another
delightful repeat of your signature.

Be sure as well to include a complete map of USENET with each
signature, to show how anybody can get mail to you from any site in
the world.  Be sure to include Internet gateways as well.  Also tell
people on your own site how to mail to you.  Give independent
addresses for Internet, UUCP, and BITNET, even if they're all the
same.

Aside from your reply address, include your full name, company and
organization.  It's just common courtesy -- after all, in some
newsreaders people have to type an *entire* keystroke to go back to
the top of your article to see this information in the header.

By all means include your phone number and street address in every
single article.  People are always responding to usenet articles with
phone calls and letters.  It would be silly to go to the extra trouble
of including this information only in articles that need a response by
conventional channels!
                                ------
Dear Emily: Today I posted an article and forgot to include my
signature.  What should I do?  -- forgetful@myvax

A: Dear Forgetful: Rush to your terminal right away and post an
article that says, "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last
article.  Here it is."

Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice,
juicy signature) this will remind them of it.  Besides, people care
much more about the signature anyway.  See the previous letter for
more important details.

Also, be sure to include your signature TWICE in each article.  That
way you're sure people will read it.
=========================================================================

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Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 23:46:24 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Who is the boss <CRUDE>

THE BOSS

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The Brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the
thinking, I should be boss."

The Feet said, "Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him
in position to do what the brain wants, I should be boss."

The Hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to
keep the rest of you going, I should be boss."

The Eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you
where danger lurks, I should be boss."

And so it went, the Heart, the Ears, the Lungs all made their case
why they should be the boss.  Finally the A**hole spoke up and
demanded to be made the boss.  All of the other body parts laughed
at the idea of and a**hole being the boss.  The A**hole was so
angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function.  Soon
the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were
to weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at the sides, the Lungs and
Heart struggled to keep going.  All pleaded with the Brain to
relent and to let the A**hole be boss.

And so it happened, all the other parts did the work and the
A**hole became the Boss and passed out a lot of sh*t.

THE MORAL

You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an a**hole.
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