Digest for Friday, October 15, 1993

There are 37 messages totalling 932 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Who is the boss!!
  2. M15+
  3. R rated sort of.
  4. Sick joke....Well for some maybe
  5. A does it with B
  6. Rabbi playing golf
  7. Misc Stuff
  8. Offensive to I dont know who
  9. Re: Offensive to I dont know who
  10. From the Daily Collegian
  11. A politically correct story
  12. mildly ethnic+language, not offensive unless you look for it
  13. mildly ethnic
  14. Latex
  15. very dirty, and messy too.
  16. Limericks (offensive - R)
  17. Things Ive seen posted on restroom walls
  18. Politically un-correct Little Red Riding Hood (Caution: Language)
  19. In the midst of beauty
  20. "do it"
  21. Do it with...
  22. Limerick, sexist, mildly offensive
  23. Vile, disgusting, Im ashamed of myself
  24. Offensive to ... non-smokers ?
  25. speaking of dogs...a pet story (harsh language!!)
  26. its a psyc joke
  27. another version of Theresas dog joke
  28. A dog by any other name
  29. Re: Politically un-correct Little Red Riding Hood (Caution: Language)
  30. Re: silly jokes
  31. Gay nun joke
  32. A Day Off (clean)
  33. Re: Things Ive seen posted on restroom walls
  34. daisy the camel (sexual content)
  35. oops!
  36. Re: Gruesome punsy


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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 02:49:05 SAT
From:         TomCat <STU1A41@SAUPM00.BITNET>
Subject:      Who is the boss!!

Hi All
When Lord made man. The body parts get togather and argued "who will be
the boss of the body". The stomech countered since i degisted the food i must
be the boss. The brain say since i am controlling the body parts i must be the
boss. The eyes explained since i can see the enviormont i must be the boss.
The legs countered since i take the body to whereever he needs i must be the
boss. Then the asshole applied and say since i let the body feel good by
taking out everything not needed i must be the boss.

The body parts laughed and laughed from the asshole. The asshole get crazy and
made then the asshole get shut up.

Three day lefts and the body parts get sick since the asshole didn't get
anything out. The brain got foggy, the legs wablle, the eyes get crossed,
stomech get sick. Then the body parts get togather and agreed to make the
asshole boss! :)

THIS IS  APPROVE YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A BRAIN TO BE A BOSS JUST AN ASSHOLE!!
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 13:52:18 GMT+10
From:         Alex Williams <ALEX_WIL@ASGARD.CLARE.TASED.EDU.AU>
Subject:      M15+

There was a guy stuck in the desert he'd been there for months and
months maybe a year.  Well he hasn't had sex for ages and is really
desperate then all of a sudden he sees a camel, he is so desperate
that he would even have sex with a camel.  Well he walks up behind
the camel and puts down his back pack and is just about to lob it in
when the camel moved.   He then again walks over to the camel and
trys again.  The camel moves again.  This goes on for about an hour
or to when he comes across an oasis and he sees the most beautiful
woman he has ever seen and she is tied naked to a tree.  The woman
says that she was captured by some Arabs and left there to die she
then says that if he unties her she will do anything for him.  The
man thinks "Wow!" "This is my big chance" So he unties her and she
says "Thank you how can I repay you?"  The man replies "Could you
hold this damn camel still?"

From Alex_Wil@Asgard.clare.tased.edu.au
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 14:19:27 GMT+10
From: The Laughing Letter. Ha Ha Ha. <ALEX_WIL@ASGARD.CLARE.TASED.EDU.AU>
Subject:      R rated sort of.

There was an inventor who crossed a cucumber and a mexican jumping
bean.
The result: The first organic vibrator.
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 14:40:50 GMT+10
From:         LIFE IS FUNNY AINT IT-- <JAMIELOK@ASGARD.CLARE.TASED.EDU.AU>
Subject:      Sick joke....Well for some maybe

I came across this joke whilst listing to our local radio station!
Here is the joke as follows.....

There was a bear that had been walking for a very long time and
decided to call in to the local bar, Well he goes into the bar, sits
himself down and says to the bar tender "I would like a beer thanks"
The bartender replies "Sorry mate we do not sell beer to bears in Big
Bill Burger Bar"
Now at this point the bear is getting angery so he thumps the bar and
repeats "I would like a beer"
Once again the Barman replies " Sorry mate we do not sell beer to
bears that bang on the bar at Big Bills Burger Bar!"
Now by this time the bear is getting pretty angery and starts to bash
to costomers that was sitting next to him!
And the bear says again " I would like a beer please"
and once again the barman replies "sorry we do not sell beer to bears
that bash the bar and bistanders!"
Now by this time the bear was anger than hell so the bear picks up
some empty bottles and starts to throw them at the barman.
The bear repeats "I would like a beer please"
The barman replies "sorry we do not sell beer to bears that bash the
bar and the bistanders and also thow bottles around the bar at Big
Bills Burger Bar"
Well that did it for the Bear, so the bear gets up off of the seat
opens his mouth and takes a chunk out of the bar!
"Now give me my blasted beer!"
The Barman replies with "Sorry we do not give beer to bears that bash
the bar and bistanders and also throw bottles around the bar and that
are also on drugs!"
The bear replies with "what do you mean DRUGS??? I admit to Bashing
the bar and the bistanders and throwing the bottles, but what is this
about me being on drugs!"
and the barman replies with "well what about the Bar-Bit-You-ate!!

If you are not sure if you get that joke read it again and say Bar-
Bit-You-Ate fast and then see if you get it or not!!
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:01:58 BST
From:         Paul Heraty - CAD <Paul.Heraty@ANALOG.COM>
Subject:      A does it with B

Hackers do it with all sorts of characters...
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 10:39:45 +0100
From:         Oesterlich Tapfer <TAPFER@FRLIM51.BITNET>
Subject:      Rabbi playing golf

The great Rabbi of a big city is a golf addict. He likes nothing like
playing golf on a warm sunny afternoon. Unfortunately, on shabbat, he
has to refrain himself. This is a big dilemma for his soul : the temp-
tation to play golf, and the consciousness of doing wrong if he tries
to do it on shabbat.

On a summer saturday afternoon, his soul is in dire straits : he was
never so tempted of playing golf. The sky is blue, the grass is green,
his clubs look at him with sardonic eyes (metaphor :-)) ... Finally,
with great self-reproach and bad consciousness, he yields to
temptation.  He puts a fake beard on, sun glasses, and goes to the
tee.

As he does this, the Lord is in the sky, looking at him very angrily.
The first Angel is at the Lord's side, protesting : "Lord, look at
this great Rabbi who goes playing golf on shabbat ! This is shameful !
This is a disgrace ! This is a scandal ! You MUST do something !".
God, in cold rage, answers : "Oh, don't worry, you bet I will do
something."  And on they look on earth ...

After a while, the Rabbi is about to shoot the first ball. He raises
his club, and .... five hundred meters away, sends DIRECTLY THE BALL
INTO THE HOLE !

The first Angel, astonished, looks at God : "What ... what are you
doing ? This is the great Rabbi, playing golf on shabbat, which is a
terrible sin, and you let him make the best shoot he ever did ... ?!?"
To which the Lord answers : "Yes ... and to whom will he be telling
it, eh ?"

Oesterlich
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 08:43:00 -0400
From: Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642 <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      Misc Stuff

I always give credit where it is due and the credit for the below must go to a
local "WIZZO" named Bob Preville. What's a "WIZZO" you ask? Literally, it is
an Airforce term for Weapons System Officer (WSO), but, since I spent a few
years working on a contract that involved the Airforce, "WIZZO" has come to
mean anyone in a technical computer job in my vernacular. Bob Preville is one
of our networking types. Well, on to Bob's humor.

There was a young girl from Anheiser
Who said that nought could surprise her
Till Old Overholt
Gave her a jolt
And now she is sadder, budweiser

There once were these to caliphs. One was named Abdul and the other Hornia.
Well, Hornia was heir to the thrown but Abdul was stronger and had a larger
following. When their father passed away and Abdul was to mount the thrown,
Hornia mounted a coup, took the thrown by force, and sent Abdul into exile.
After many years, Abdul was able to raise an army stronger than his brother's
and began marching back on his country to take his rightful place on the
thrown. As Abdul marched with his army, he sang "Caliph Hornia, here I
come...". (California here I come...).

Remember, these are Bob Preville's. Don't balme me.
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 12:47:24 GMT
From:         Adrian Littler <littler@GATWICK.SGP.SLB.COM>
Subject:      Offensive to I don't know who

Q)      Why do dogs lick their balls?
A)      Because they can!!!!!!
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:17:12 LCL
From:         Andy Mavrias <ANDYM@550SHERB.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject:      Re: Offensive to I don't know who

Q) Why do dogs lick their balls?
A) because they can't make a fist with their paws.
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:33:48 -0400
From:         SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET
Subject:      From the Daily Collegian

Annapolis MD -- A former teacher who had sex with students in school and
spoke about it on national TV was sentenced to 26 years in prison yesterday
after being scolded by a judge for robbing his victims' childhood.  Three
girls testified about having sex with the teacher in classrooms, offices,
dressing rooms, the football stadium press box and a catwalk above the school
auditorium. "You had sex all over a public institution. It's almost
unbelievable," said Judge Eugene Lerner.
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:40:00 EST
From:         HARSH <HARSH@CRNLGSM.BITNET>
Subject:      A politically correct story

                          by Jim Garner
              copied by Andy Tiarks  April 24, 1993
       originally appeared in "Comic Relief"  April, 1993

          There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who
lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood.  One day her
mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water
to her grandmother's house -- not because this was womyn's work,
mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a
feeling of community.  Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick,
but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully
capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.
          So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food
through the woods.  Many people she knew believed that the forest
was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it.  Red
Riding Hood, however, was confident in her own budding sexuality
that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her.
          On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was
accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.  She
replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is
certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult."
          The Wolf said, "You now, my dear, it isn't safe for a
little girl to walk through these woods alone."
          Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark
offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your
traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which
has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview.  Now,
if you'll excuse, me I must be on my way."
          Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path.  But,
because his status outside society had freed him from slavish
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a
quicker route to Grandma's house.  He burst into the house and ate
Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as
himself.  Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what
was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and
crawled into bed.
          Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma,
I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you
in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."
          From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child,
so that I might see you."
          Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically
challenged as a bat.  Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
          "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
          "Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of
course, and certainly attractive in its own way."
          "It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
          "Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
          The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am,"
and leaped out of bed.  He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws,
intent on devouring her.  Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of
alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but
because of his willful invasion of her personal space.
          Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person
(or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called).  When he
burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene.
But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
          "And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding
Hood.
          The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but
no words came to him.
          "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your
weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said.  "Sexist!
Speciesist!  How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve
their own problems without a man's help!"
          When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped
out of the Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut
his head off.  After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the
Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose.  They decided to set up
an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation,
and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 14:43:54 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      mildly ethnic+language, not offensive unless you look for it

In Ireland, a queer is someone who doesn't like Guinness.

Abe was given two nice ties for a Passover present by his mother.
First opportunity, he goes round to see her, wearing one of them.
"Mazeltov Momma - hey look, I'm wearing one of your ties; it's beautiful;
 gimme a big kiss".

"Mazeltov, smazeltov; so you didn't like the other one?"

There is a tribe in Africa called the Fakhawi tribe.
They are small, like pygmies, but live in grassland, not jungle.
Really long grass actually. They are always getting lost, and having to
jump on each others shoulders crying: "Where the Fakhawi?"
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:39:32 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU>
Subject:      mildly ethnic

                A lovely young maid of Kilglass,
                Wore intimate garments of brass.
                Pat, one night on the porch,
                With acetylene torch,
                Just melted resistance, alas!

                Ancient Jewish Proverb:

                Razors pain you, rivers are damp,
                Acid stains you, drugs cause cramp,
                Guns aren't lawful, nooses give,
                Gas smells awful, you might as well live.

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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:40:57 CDT
From:         Rachel Dvoretzky <RACHEL@RICEVM1.RICE.EDU>
Subject:      Latex

Q.  What's the difference betewen a used tire and 365 used condoms?
A.  One is a Goodyear.  The other is a very good year.

Slides Wrangled ** Humidity Dispelled ** Beer Poured ** Satire Dispensed
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:47:06 CDT
From:         STACY BICHELMEYER <SBICHELM@OZ.UMB.KSU.EDU>
Subject:      <No Subject Given>

One more for the collection - from a country western song by David
Allan Cole (I think).

Cowboys stay in the saddle just a little bit longer!
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 11:07:15 EDT
From:         David_Douglas <DHDAD@ACADVM1.UOTTAWA.CA>
Subject:      very dirty, and messy too.

       Knock knock!
               Who's There
                        Arch!
                             Arch Who??
                                     Gesundheit!!

OK OK They are inane, but I think this is original, as inane as it
is. I have hay fever.

On an English train a man was sitting across from a lady in a
compartment minding his own business.

He then sneezed. Quickly he pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket,
opened his fly and wiped off his member.

The woman was shocked, but thought she was hallucinating, and went
back to her book.

He did it again. Sneezed, only this time pulled his member right out
and wiped it off.

It was no hallucination and the lady grumbled her disapproval.

When a third time he sneezed she was ready. When he pulled out his
penis to wipe it off she let him have it.

"You God Damned degenerate what do you mean doing that in public" she
blustered indignantly.

Sheepishly he apologized and stated he suffered from a rare
condition: that every time he sneezed he had an orgasm, and that if
he didn't clean up the mess immediately he would soon be a real mess
from his waste down.

"My goodness" she exclaimed sympathetically, " What are you taking
for this awful disorder?"

"Pepper" he answered.
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 11:06:56 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <ligas@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject:      Limericks (offensive - R)

                There once was a lady named Dinah
                Who had an enormous vagina
                One little shove in her tunnel of love
                And you'd come out at Queen's and Spadina!

                (note: Queen's and Spadina are streets in Toronto)

                There once was a man from St. Clare
                Who had an affair with a bear
                The surly old brute, with one snap of his snoot
                Left him only one ball and some hair!

              ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
             +    Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.      +
             +                         - Sigmund Freud    +
              ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 10:59:15 -0500
From:         JANET AMES <JANETA@PSC.PLYMOUTH.EDU>
Subject:      Things I've seen posted on restroom walls

Here I sit cheeks a-flexin
about to give birth to another Texan
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 15:07:20 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      Politically un-correct Little Red Riding Hood (Caution: Language)

Little Red Riding Hood goes as normal through the woods to see
her grandma.  On the way she see some bushes move, and she
leaves the track.  She parts the foliage and comes face to face
with the wolf, who is squatting motionless.  Little Red Riding
Hood begins "My, my, what Great Big Bulging eyes you have.."
The wolf yells "FUCK OFF I'M HAVING A SHIT".
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 11:21:37 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      In the midst of beauty <Mulla>

IN THE MIDST OF SUCH BEAUTY

     It was a wonderful morning, and the Mulla was walking home.
Why he thought to himself, should he not take a short cut through
the beautiful wild-land beside the dusty road?

     "A day of days, a day for fortunate pursuits!" he exclaimed to
himself plunging into the greenery.

     Almost at once, he found himself lying at the bottom of a
concealed pit.

     "It is just as well I took this short cut," he reflected, as
he lay there, "because if things like this can happen in the midst
of such beauty, what catastrophe might not have developed on that
uncompromisingly tiresome highway?"

Personal note: I hate to contribute to the decidedly unhumorous chatter
that has developed on this list this week, but I thought this was a
humor list. I also thought we were suppose to limit ourselves to one
post per day. My digest contained 37 entries for yesterday (over a
thousand lines). That's too much for nearly anybody. I wish more
people would state their subject or topic in the subject line. Nearly
everybody does a good job warning us about offensive content, especially
me with my warnings about the poems and the great Mulla Nasrudin. :-)
Peace, Joe Mole
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 11:33:57 -0400
From:         Thomas Rowe <trowe@UWSPMAIL.UWSP.EDU>
Subject:      "do it"

Bridge players do it with finesse
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 17:04:35 BST
From:         Paul Heraty - CAD <Paul.Heraty@ANALOG.COM>
Subject:      Do it with...

Hi all, more of the same :

Hackers do it with bugs.
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
Politicians do it to everyone.
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).

        and now for something completly different :

The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
chance to prove it.
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
Draft beer, not people
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
now.

Oh, enough for now,

-------------------------------------------------------
STRESS : A psychologically damaging condition resulting
         from the conscious supression of the biological
         need to choke the living shit out of some
         asshole who really needs it.
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 18:00:59 +0200
From:         Ajay K. Vachhani <ajayvac@BGUMAIL.BGU.AC.IL>
Subject:      Limerick, sexist, mildly offensive

There was a young man named Pete
Who was gentle, and shy, and discreet ;
But with his first woman
He became inhuman
And constantly roared for fresh meat.
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 11:58:15 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET>
Subject:      Vile, disgusting, I'm ashamed of myself

I would be flattering to think that the last joke referrring to the
un-selfconsciousness of canines, may have been provoked by my own
posting on that subject last week.  Anyway, this last one certainly
provoked this one.

Two friends are walking down the street, one with a large dog on a
leash. In mid-pavement, the dog sits down and busily begins cleaning
(in the usual doggy way) his private parts (which are pretty public on
a dog).

The guy without the dog, observes a few minutes, and says, "Boy. I
wish I could do that."

The dog's owner replies, "Oh, he's very friendly.  Just let him smell
you first."

(Ba-dum-bum!)

Theresa
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 17:42:05 +0100
From:         Oesterlich Tapfer <TAPFER@FRLIM51.BITNET>
Subject:      Offensive to ... non-smokers ?

Another silly one on the theme of "attentats a la pudeur" :

A young woman is seated in a plane next to a businessman. Shortly
after the take off, the businessman quietly unzips his pants and
begins to masturbate. The young woman pretends not to see. See-
mingly far less self-conscious than her, the businessman merrily
wanks, and comes with a little grunt of pleasure. Then - still ve-
ry calmly -, he gets a handkerchief out of his pocket and wipes
his penis. After what he quietly zips his trousers, arranges his
tie and jacket so that they look perfect, and sighs with delight
as he gets a cigar out of his attache. Courteously turning to his
neighbour, he smiles and asks : "Do you mind if I smoke ?"
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 12:48:00 EDT
From:         Harry Weis <Harry.Weis@MVS.UDEL.EDU>
Subject:      speaking of dogs...a pet story (harsh language!!)

A guy who lives in my neighborhood owns a german shepard that he lets run free
at night.  One night his dog comes back with a gift for his master - a rabbit
in his mouth.  The rabbit was obvisously dead but it wasn't just any old
rabbit, it was HIS neighbors pet rabbit named Bun Bun.  Well, he didn't want
to get blamed for his dog killing their rabbit so he uses the cover of
darkness to sneak into their yard and put Bun Bun bach in her cage - in the
hopes that they'll think Bun Bun died of natural causes.  A month goes by and
nothing happens so he thinks he got away with his trick.  He then attends a
block party where he overhears Bun Bun's owner talking to another lady where
she states "There are some sick bastards in this world.  Our rabbit died and
somebody dug it up after we buried it and put it back in her cage."
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 12:30:14 CDT
From:         Lesley Hite <LHITE3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      it's a psyc joke

 In response to the request for x does it y lines:

A couple of years ago I took a seminar in Behaviorism.  The main focus of the
course was B.F. Skinner.  One of the students asked our professor to sum up
Skinner in a sentence, i.e. what would Skinner's bumper sticker say.
The best that I could come up with was:
Behaviorists do it for reinforcement.

The camel joke reminded me of one I heard earlier this year.

There was this really horny ant in the jungle.  One day he saw an elephant
just standing there and looking kinda sexy.  So the ant climbed up the
elephant's leg and began to do her.  All of a sudden a coconut fell and
landed on the elephant's head.  "Ouch!" she yelled.  The ant kept going
strong.
Another coconut fell.  "Ouch!" she yelled louder.  At which point the ant
shouted back, "Take it ALL, bitch!"

Hope these were somewhat amusing.  C ya.

                              -Les
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 14:20:32 -0400
From:         JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV
Subject:      another version of Theresa's dog joke

The Colonel had been stationed to the most god forsaken post in the entire
French foreign Legion.  He was trying to make the most of it and was
conducting
a series of inspections.  In one of the stables he say the most disreputable
looking camel he'd ever seen.
  "Get rid of that disgraceful animal," He told his Sargent.
  "But sir," the sargent protested, "The men are stationed here without women
for months at a time.  Without that camel, they'd go mad."
  Being an old army hand, the Colonel realized he'd touched a thorny subject
and let the matter pass.  Months pass by.  The colonel is beginning to see
the place get to him.  finally, he decides his time has come.  He asks the
sargent to prepare the camel for him.  He goes to the stable and has sex
with the camel.  Looking at the sargent, he asks, "Is that how the men
usually do it?"
  "No, sir," came the reply, "Usually they just saddle it up and ride into
town."
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 10:57:44 +0000
From:         Tony Fantillo <tfantill@CLN.ETC.BC.CA>
Subject:      A dog by any other name

What not to name your dog

Everyone who owns a dog calls him Rover or Boy or some such common name. I
call mine Sex.  Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.  When I went to
renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex.  He
said, " I'd like one too."  Then I said, "But this is a dog."  He said he
didn't care what she looked like.  Then I said, "But you don't understand,
I've had Sex since he was nine years old."  He said I must have been quite
a boy.

When I married and went on my honymoon, I took the dog with me.  I told the
clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.  He
said every room in the place is for Sex.  I said, "You don't understand.
Sex keeps me awake at night."  The clerk said, "Me too."

One da I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition started, the
dog ran away.  Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there
looking around.  I told him I was planning to have Sex in the contest.  He
said I should have sold my own tickets.  "But, you don't understand," I
said.  "I had hoped to have Sex on television."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog.  I said, "Your honour, I had Sex before I was married."  The judge
said, "Me too."  Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me.  He
said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran away again.  I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at four
o'clock in the morning?"  I said that I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up Friday.

Hope you all got a hearty chuckle...Tony
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 12:01:05 PDT
From:         Josh Choen <joshc@NETCOM.COM>
Subject:      Re: Politically un-correct Little Red Riding Hood (Caution: Language)

> Little Red Riding Hood goes as normal through the woods to see
> her grandma.  On the way she see some bushes move, and she
> leaves the track.  She parts the foliage and comes face to face
> with the wolf, who is squatting motionless.  Little Red Riding
> Hood begins "My, my, what Great Big Bulging eyes you have.."
> The wolf yells "FUCK OFF I'M HAVING A SHIT".

or... the wolf stops Little Red Riding Hood in the woods and says, "I'm
going to steal all your goodies, little girl!"  To which, Little Red Riding
Hood throws the basket on the ground, lies down on the forest floor and
replys, "No your not!  Your going to eat me like it says in the book!!!"
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 15:20:57 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: silly jokes

aw, hell, now you've got me started on Deep Thoughts...

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.  No, wait... not me, you.

If you're in a time machine, and are eating corn on the cob, I don't
think it would affect things much.  But my point is this: Corn on
the cob is good, isn't it?

One reason I believe in UFO's is, sometimes I lose stuff.

--Riff
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 16:05:54 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Gay nun joke <crude>

I copied this joke from the tasteless newsgroup. Writing this joke
took some imagination.

This guy is trying to pick up a nun on a bus. She freaks out and
jumps off the bus at the next stop. At this point the bus driver
turns to the guy and says" That was a fucking low thing to do,
mate. Have you no respect for holy orders?"

The guy says "Yeah but I've always wanted to fuck a nun. It's
always been my biggest fantasy to have sex with a nun."

The bus driver gives the guy a sly look and says "Well have I got
something to tell you. That very nun that you tried to grope, on
the last Friday of every month, goes up to the big tree on the hill
overlooking town and begs for Jesus Christ to come to Earth to make
love to her. All you have to do is wait in the trees disguised with
a mask and tell her that you are Jesus Christ and you'll get to
fuck her, no problem."

Our guy is in rapture just thinking about it and thanks the bus
driver heartily.

On the last Friday of the month, this guy is up in the tree on top
of the hill, wearing his robes and a mask. Sure enough, here comes
this nun and she lies down beneath the tree and prays for her Lord
Jesus Christ to come to Earth and make love to her. The guy hears
his cue and leaps down and proclaims himself to be Jesus.

"Oh, my Lord" says the nun, "you have arrived during my time of the
month. Will you use the less travelled route?" (For all you
fuckwits who don't know what's going on she just asked Jesus to
fuck her up the arse)

"Not a problem at all" says the guy and proceeds to do a fine
impersonation of two Greek friends who haven't seen each other in
a long time.

Just after this guy finishes the dirty deed, he leaps in the air
and pulls off his mask and yells "Ha, it's me, the guy on the
bus!"

The nun jumps up and pulls off her headpiece and yells " Ha,
it's me ... the bus driver!
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 15:32:13 CDT
From:         Serita Blankenship <SBLANKEN@OZ.UMB.KSU.EDU>
Subject:      A Day Off (clean)

So you want a day off?  Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.  There are 52 weeks
per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261
days available for work.  Since you spend 16 hours each day away from
work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 available.  You
spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks that account for 23 days
each year, leaving only 68 days available.  With one hour lunch
period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22
days available for work.  You normally spend 2 days per year on sick
leave.  This leaves you only 20 days available for work.  We are off
for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15
days.  We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves
only 1 day available for work, and I'll be damned if you're going to
take that day off!!!

Serita Blankenship
Extension Professional Development
Kansas State University
101 Umberger Hall
Manhattan, KS.  66506-3411
sblanken@oz.umb.ksu.edu

*Be kind - eat beans, not beings!*
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 19:01:03 -0500
From:         Bulletin Mail Account <BULLMAIL27@VAX1.BEMIDJI.MSUS.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Things I've seen posted on restroom walls

Date sent:  15-OCT-1993 18:56:30

       I saw this sign on a restroom wall in Bitburg, Germany.

        ====================================================
        =    Please don't throw toothpicks in the toilet   =
        =                                                  =
        =       The crabs have learned to pole-vault       =
        ====================================================
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 20:55:00 EDT
From:         Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      daisy the camel  (sexual content)

a new lieutenant was just assigned to a remote desert outpost of the foreign
legion.  after a few months, he was feeling the loss of female companionship
and asked his ranking sergeant what the men did about the situation.

the sergeant replied that the men used daisy, the only female camel in the
stable.
completely revulsed by the thought of having intercourse with a camel, the
lieutenant continued to take matters into his own hands, as it were, until
one dark night he could stand it no longer!

making sure that none of the men saw him, he snuck to the stable in the
middle of the night.  there, he found a wooden crate which he took into
daisy's stall, planted firmly on the ground,
behind her, mounted the crate, and then proceeded to mount daisy in a most
primal fashion.

the deed completed, the lieutenant sauntered back to the barracks with a
look of deep satisfac- tion on his face.  as he rounded the corner of the
barracks, he happened upon the sergeant who was making his rounds of
checking on the sentries at the front gate.

pleased with himself for having accomplished what surely the lowliest
private in the regiment had done, the lieutenant couldn't wait to tell the
sergeant of his feat!

having heard the lieutenant's story, the sergeant said, "that's odd, sir.
 usually the men saddle her up and ride her to the brothel in town!"

be seeing you,

oxo
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 22:11:00 EDT
From:         Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      oops!

i just got to the bottom of my stack of 37 (!) pieces of mail and discovered
that someone had already sent in a version of my "daisy the camel" story
(albeit obtusely more crude in wording), so...

here's a limerick, instead.  :)

a lady from boston, mass.
had a most magnificent ass.
it was not round, and pink,
as you plainly might think.
it was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!

:)

be seeing you,

oxo
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Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 23:28:54 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <ligas@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject:      Re: Gruesome punsy

ponder: Is embalming a dead issue?

I'd rather not get *wrapped up* in this!!    (UGH!)

I can't take all this <*sob*>, -I'm calling my mummy!

Hmmm .... this subject is beginning to *decay* somewhat. I find it hard to
read this with a *stiff* upper lip. Maybe it's just best to *glue my
eyelids shut*.
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